Changed Perspective

Fighting a potentially lethal bacteria (c-diff) changed my perspective about what is important in my life. While I took flagyl to fight c-diff, I felt too sick to do much more than post on my FTGF board. When I finished the first round of flagyl, I no longer wanted to feel obligated to moderate a board. I also felt less sympathetic toward people who complained about overeating, going off their weight loss diets or fantasizing about food, when I was struggling to eat anything, while flagyl made me so nauseas. When my c-diff symptoms returned and I realized the flagyl didn't eliminate the c-diff, I was scared that I would never recover from c-diff and could develop life-threatening complications. My health problem was much bigger than my appearance or my weight. Some people who posted about overeating on message boards just didn't relate to my fears or struggle to keep eating to take medication. Because I didn't have the emotional energy to support others, I decided to delete my board.

After I got even more c-diff symptoms while taking the second round of flagyl, I felt even more frightened and hopeless about recovery. So I asked several friends and my church congregation to pray for me. Fortunately my doc switched me to vancomycin, which had good side effects (no more constipation). Meanwhile the flagyl side effects (nausea and horrid metallic taste) slowly disappeared. Although I was afraid to hope for complete recovery, because my hopes had been dashed so many times, I felt stronger while I took vanco.

When I finished vanco and began high dose probiotics, I developed a new set of symptoms which made me doubt whether I would recover from c-diff. However, I soon recognized those as signs that my body was adjusting to a larger population of good bacteria in my intestines. So I decided to suspend judgment about my recovery until I finish the high dose probiotics.

This 5 month struggle with c-diff (symptoms, stool test, diagnosis, treatment and probiotic followup treatment) reduced my goals to just getting through each day, taking each treatment dose with meals, exercising, doing minimal chores around the house or garden, and getting enough sleep at night. I knew I was gaining weight, because I ate when I was nauseas as well as when I was hungry and needed to take pills. I also ate to distract myself from the taste of flagyl. Then while on vanco, I ate a 4th small meal to prevent stomach irritation from vanco with my last bedtime dose. I did not eat much less at the other 3 meals to compensate for the 4th meal. However, I chose to focus on doing what I needed to take drugs to treat c-diff. I believed I could lose weight after finishing those drugs.

Now I would like to lose 3 pounds before we go to Maui, IF I am well enough to go to Maui in October. I don't need to cut back much to lose 3 pounds in 7 weeks. I just need to focus on eating comfortable amounts when I feel hungry and not eating when I no longer feel hungry. My garden almost dictates what I eat. We have soooo much lettuce, zucchini and cherry tomatoes that we need to eat salads almost every night for dinner. I have sooo many blueberries and still some strawberries that I need to eat berries on my peanut butter and muffin for breakfast every day. Larger tomatoes suggest tomato and ham sandwiches for lunches. Maybe I will tire of my 'garden harvest' diet after a month or so, but right now I LOVE eating fresh picked berries and vegies at every meal.

Nevertheless, my c-diff experience has taught me to 'not sweat the small stuff'. I'm calmer. When I know what I need, I can confidently ask for that. At other times, I'm open to suggestions and go with whatever my husband wants. I no longer get upset or feel threatened by differences of opinion or viewpoints. Maybe wondering whether I would recover from a potentially fatal bacteria made me appreciate simpler pleasures, like sunshine, gardening, preparing a meal, playing my piano, walking or biking with my husband. Meeting my physical needs for exercise, food, elimination and rest seem more important than accomplishing anything really meaningful with my life. Just being a supportive wife or friend or neighbor seems like enough for now. Maybe a year from now my c-diff experience will seem like a bad dream. Maybe I will work toward bigger goals or accomplishments. However, right now I prefer the most peaceful path I can find through each day's challenges. If I'm healthy, nothing else really matters that much.