The ThinWithin community message board finally approved my registration. So I'm allowed to post there and receive replies to my posts. However after reading posts by other members who struggle with overweight, diagnoses of food allergies which they question, and anorexia, I doubt any TW member can relate to my situation, but I may be wrong. I just feel very isolated right now. I value TW principles and intend to apply them to my eating and renewed relationship to God. However I'm neither a newcomer to TW nor a recognized longterm member (I left over 4 years ago.) I thoroughly worked through all the TW workbooks and TW books the first time around. I led a TW support group and taught the material over 2 years. I didn't regain a lot of weight after I left TW. I didn't resume frequent bingeing and purging. I still averaged 1-2 episodes a month. However, I did neglect my relationship with God. I slowly stopped daily prayer and Bible study. I didn't see my CD and food allergy diagnoses as answered prayer (about why I suffered so much gastro pain). I was angry, because I previously believed I caused those symptoms with my disordered eating and now wanted to believe that my food allergies caused my disordered eating. So my relationship with God changed as I threw myself into celiac research and group leadership.
However, I couldn't completely relate to most celiacs in my group or to online CD support groups. I felt grateful to learn what caused my symptoms and I gladly abstained from gluten, then dairy, then soy, then each of my other diagnosed allergies. I wanted to eliminate anything that caused pain. I didn't feel sorry for myself, like many newly diagnosed celiacs, because I had to abstain from gluten containing foods. However the pain and impaired digestive symptoms continued even after I abstained from all 7 allergies and was treated for bacterial imbalances, fungus, a parasite and hypochloridia. Few of my CD support group members could relate to all my dietary restrictions. Actually most believed that I 'had it all figured out', because I led the group. They believed I should have all the answers and sympathy for them, because they were newly diagnosed, even though I assumed leadership only a year after my diagnosis. Above all, many CD group members either dieted to lose weight or ate gluten free 'junk food' to regain weight they lost before diagnosis. Members who didn't have additional food allergies restricted foods to avoid excess calories. Most couldn't imagine eating only when hungry and stopping when satisfied.
As I forgot what TW taught about seeking God's comfort and guidance when I felt stressed, I saw myself bingeing more often to cope with stress. Rather than return to TW which taught me about God's grace, I read books about normal eating and completed a 'Food & Feelings Workbook', which taught me more effective ways (than eating) to cope with feelings. So I knew how to change beliefs that motivated me to use food to cope and I knew more effective ways to cope with feelings. However, I didn't feel motivated to replace bingeing with better coping habits, because I was not overweight. Eating responsibly most of the time, exercising daily and purging after binges possibly prevented weight gain. So I didn't relate to many members of the Food & Feelings board who wanted to change how they coped with feelings so that they could lose weight. I was thin and had been thin for over 40 years. I didn't believe a monthly binge/purge episode was that harmful.
However, my gastrointestinal symptoms persisted despite abstinence from allergens and treatment for other gastro problems. I can only conclude that occasional binge eating and purging does disrupt my gastrointestinal system enough to perpetuate those symptoms. So here I am an ex-TW member and support group leader, an ex-celiac support group leader and reluctant member of the Food & Feelings board who doesn't seem to fit into any of those groups. Hence, I'm writing this blog to sort out fact from fiction, truth from fantasy, honesty from self-delusion. By God's grace, His presence, power and provision, I believe I will eventually understand and resolve my gastrointestinal and faith related challenges.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Insights from ThinWithin Review
As I review my old ThinWithin (TW) workbooks, I understand how I went from trusting 'the spirit' (God's guidance) for my eating choices (what, when, how much) to trusting the 'law' (food allergy info) for those choices. After my CD and food allergy diagnoses, I believed I could eat any 'safe' (nonallergenic) foods in unlimited amounts, with no regard for hunger and/or satisfaction. I still had some malabsorption problems and gastrointestinal pain from bacterial imbalances and a still undetected parasite. So I couldn't eat much without experiencing pain. Yet I chose to believe that I didn't have to worry about eating past satisfaction, because I couldn't trust my impaired digestive process. I thought I felt full only because I had digestive problems. I wanted to believe that I could overeat and not gain weight, because I didn't digest food very well.
Now I realize that during that time I often underate, because my stomach hurt after eating. I heard many other celiacs say they could eat so much food without gaining weight, because of 'malabsorption'. However I also met overweight celiacs who could not overeat without weight gain. Eventually I realized the weight control factor was PAIN, not malabsorption. Even the overweight celiacs had malabsorption symptoms, from not getting enough of certain nutrients. Nevertheless they STILL absorbed enough CALORIES to maintain excess weight. Only celiacs (like me) who suffered constant gastrointestinal pain stayed thin, because they actually ate much less or less often to avoid pain.
However, as I eliminated each of my food allergens, resolved bacterial imbalances and eventually treated (killed) the parasite, my gut pain almost disappeared. Yet I still didn't feel well after eating, until I recognized and began to resolve digestive issues caused by hypochloridia (low stomach acid). Later I realized overeating contributed to reflux as much as foods which relaxed the lower esophogeal valve. So how I eat (beyond satisfaction) influenced reflux as much as WHAT I ate. Again I could not rely on the 'law' (a list of safe foods) to prevent digestive problems. I needed to listen to spirit which guided when and how much I ate through my hunger/satisfaction sensations.
I didn't exactly return to 'dieting' to control my weight or maintain a healthy body, but I did trust lists of safe foods (to avoid allergy reactions and reflux) to protect me from gastrointestinal pain. That's similar to trusting weight loss diet laws to guide my eating behavior, rather than trusting physical sensations of hunger, satisfaction and how I felt after eating certain foods to guide my eating decisions. Granted, I had MANY (7) food allergies and needed to know which foods contained those allergens. So allergen information helped me understand which foods caused discomfort after meals. However, I chose to ignore physical sensations of hunger, satisfaction and reactions to other 'safe' (nonallergen) foods, while I trusted that avoiding food allergens was enough to keep me healthy and comfortable. Rather than trust or even seek God's guidance, I trusted food allergy tests and research to tell me what to eat and often ignored my physical sensations about when and how much to eat. I even felt angry with God, because he didn't reveal the source of my gastrointestinal pain sooner. I was angry that He let me suffer so long. That anger turned me away from ThinWithin and toward celiac support groups.
Now I realize that during that time I often underate, because my stomach hurt after eating. I heard many other celiacs say they could eat so much food without gaining weight, because of 'malabsorption'. However I also met overweight celiacs who could not overeat without weight gain. Eventually I realized the weight control factor was PAIN, not malabsorption. Even the overweight celiacs had malabsorption symptoms, from not getting enough of certain nutrients. Nevertheless they STILL absorbed enough CALORIES to maintain excess weight. Only celiacs (like me) who suffered constant gastrointestinal pain stayed thin, because they actually ate much less or less often to avoid pain.
However, as I eliminated each of my food allergens, resolved bacterial imbalances and eventually treated (killed) the parasite, my gut pain almost disappeared. Yet I still didn't feel well after eating, until I recognized and began to resolve digestive issues caused by hypochloridia (low stomach acid). Later I realized overeating contributed to reflux as much as foods which relaxed the lower esophogeal valve. So how I eat (beyond satisfaction) influenced reflux as much as WHAT I ate. Again I could not rely on the 'law' (a list of safe foods) to prevent digestive problems. I needed to listen to spirit which guided when and how much I ate through my hunger/satisfaction sensations.
I didn't exactly return to 'dieting' to control my weight or maintain a healthy body, but I did trust lists of safe foods (to avoid allergy reactions and reflux) to protect me from gastrointestinal pain. That's similar to trusting weight loss diet laws to guide my eating behavior, rather than trusting physical sensations of hunger, satisfaction and how I felt after eating certain foods to guide my eating decisions. Granted, I had MANY (7) food allergies and needed to know which foods contained those allergens. So allergen information helped me understand which foods caused discomfort after meals. However, I chose to ignore physical sensations of hunger, satisfaction and reactions to other 'safe' (nonallergen) foods, while I trusted that avoiding food allergens was enough to keep me healthy and comfortable. Rather than trust or even seek God's guidance, I trusted food allergy tests and research to tell me what to eat and often ignored my physical sensations about when and how much to eat. I even felt angry with God, because he didn't reveal the source of my gastrointestinal pain sooner. I was angry that He let me suffer so long. That anger turned me away from ThinWithin and toward celiac support groups.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
New Perspective from Painful Lesson
A week ago I celebrated my husband's birthday in a local restaurant, which is a rare event, because I have celiac disease and 6 other food allergies. However, I had determined I would enjoy an allergen safe meal and treat him to a special dinner. I hate sitting in a restaurant with nothing except cold water on a winter night while waiting for the meal. So I ordered a glass of wine. Actually I sampled 2 different kinds of wine before I chose the sweeter wine. Alcohol relaxes my lower esophageal valve, which causes reflux. I seldom drink because I take betaine hydrochloride to enable me to digest proteins. I have very low stomach acid, possibly due to age, more likely due to misdiagnosis (of CD) and mis-treatment with acid blockers for too many years. I also become more sensitive to alcohol the longer I abstain. I rationalized that I would drink only one glass with food. So I didn't think I would react so badly. (I forgot that I reacted very badly to one glass with food about 6 weeks ago.) Unfortunately, I sampled the 2 wines WITHOUT food before the meal. My husband drank part of my ordered glass. So I probably consumed only one total glass. After the meal I felt a little tipsy, but very tired. So I went to bed early.
The next morning I felt a little nauseous, very tired and headachey. So I ate a bland breakfast, took Tylenol and finished a pot of decaf coffee (which is a lot for me). Mid morning I felt VERY nauseous and eventually threw up. I thought that was that, but I threw up later in the day. A few hours later I ate what I thought was a bland dinner, but as the evening progressed I felt more nauseous and extreme acid reflux. Over 2 hours later I could resist no longer and threw up again. Even after drinking lots of cool water, my throat burned with acid reflux off and on all night. I slept very little. I felt very scared about what was happening to my body.
During one of my sleepless moments I decided to get up and turn on my computer. Something led me to look at the ThinWithin website, although I had been inactive for several years after my celiac and food allergy diagnoses. Perhaps I realized I felt totally out of control. No matter what I had previously done to stay healthy, I made a few wrong choices during the past 24 hours and now suffered the consequences of those choices. I felt guilty about those choices and ashamed because I believed I should have known better. Although I had forgotten how much ThinWithin had taught me about God's grace, I desperately needed His presence, power and provision during those scarey moments.
The next morning I continued to reflux after eating very little. However I was determined to resist throwing up. I also skimmed my copy of "Why Stomach Acid is Good for You" to review which foods relaxed the lower esophageal valve and allowed stomach acid to reflux. I took much less betaine hydrochloride with meals that day, but I feared completely abstaining would cause even more malabsorption problems. I also attempted to register for the ThinWithin community message board. After I couldn't successfully register online, I later called their customer service number and spoke at length to a very caring director who updated me about all the great improvements at ThinWithin.
After 2 days of chronic reflux, sipping lots of cool water to control reflux, eating small, bland meals, while constantly fearing reflux and/or uncontrollable vomiting, and much prayer, I decided to abstain from HCl but take a digestive enzyme with lunch. I had almost no reflux after that meal and my throat began to heal. By dinnertime I could take a little HCL and digest some protein without much reflux. I felt soooo grateful that I could finally digest some food without refluxing or vomiting.
That experience changed my thoughts from wondering whether I should cut back my consumption before Thanksgiving to avoid weight gain during the holiday cooking and feasting to wondering whether I could eat anything without reflux or extreme nausea to finally feeling grateful for normal (for me, anyway) digestion. I did suffer some malabsorption symptoms (like mouth ulcers, fatigue, irregularity) during the next few days, because I had severely limited or even abstained from HCl which I need to properly digest proteins, absorb iron, magnesium and process fats. However, I knew that resuming proper amounts of HCl would eventually resolve those symptoms. Above all, I anticipated and enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner with a healthier digestive system. I also learned to avoid foods and/or beverages which relax the lower esophageal valve and irritate the esophagus. Most importantly, I understood that I need God's guidance and grace to relearn how to maintain a comfortable, healthy body, the temple of His Holy Spirit.
I'm uncertain at this point how active (if at all) I want to become with ThinWithin. My situation is very different from most posting members. I did notice some confusion about food allergies, which I could help resolve. However, I don't need or want to lose weight. I only want to review ThinWithin principles which taught me to honor my body with how, when and what I ate. I recently scanned my old TW workbooks. I also reread some of the TW book, which I taught as a TW support group leader 4 years ago. However, I'm in a different place now, emotionally and physically, from where I was 4 years ago. Since then, I healed considerably emotionally and physically, but I now need even more spiritual healing.
The next morning I felt a little nauseous, very tired and headachey. So I ate a bland breakfast, took Tylenol and finished a pot of decaf coffee (which is a lot for me). Mid morning I felt VERY nauseous and eventually threw up. I thought that was that, but I threw up later in the day. A few hours later I ate what I thought was a bland dinner, but as the evening progressed I felt more nauseous and extreme acid reflux. Over 2 hours later I could resist no longer and threw up again. Even after drinking lots of cool water, my throat burned with acid reflux off and on all night. I slept very little. I felt very scared about what was happening to my body.
During one of my sleepless moments I decided to get up and turn on my computer. Something led me to look at the ThinWithin website, although I had been inactive for several years after my celiac and food allergy diagnoses. Perhaps I realized I felt totally out of control. No matter what I had previously done to stay healthy, I made a few wrong choices during the past 24 hours and now suffered the consequences of those choices. I felt guilty about those choices and ashamed because I believed I should have known better. Although I had forgotten how much ThinWithin had taught me about God's grace, I desperately needed His presence, power and provision during those scarey moments.
The next morning I continued to reflux after eating very little. However I was determined to resist throwing up. I also skimmed my copy of "Why Stomach Acid is Good for You" to review which foods relaxed the lower esophageal valve and allowed stomach acid to reflux. I took much less betaine hydrochloride with meals that day, but I feared completely abstaining would cause even more malabsorption problems. I also attempted to register for the ThinWithin community message board. After I couldn't successfully register online, I later called their customer service number and spoke at length to a very caring director who updated me about all the great improvements at ThinWithin.
After 2 days of chronic reflux, sipping lots of cool water to control reflux, eating small, bland meals, while constantly fearing reflux and/or uncontrollable vomiting, and much prayer, I decided to abstain from HCl but take a digestive enzyme with lunch. I had almost no reflux after that meal and my throat began to heal. By dinnertime I could take a little HCL and digest some protein without much reflux. I felt soooo grateful that I could finally digest some food without refluxing or vomiting.
That experience changed my thoughts from wondering whether I should cut back my consumption before Thanksgiving to avoid weight gain during the holiday cooking and feasting to wondering whether I could eat anything without reflux or extreme nausea to finally feeling grateful for normal (for me, anyway) digestion. I did suffer some malabsorption symptoms (like mouth ulcers, fatigue, irregularity) during the next few days, because I had severely limited or even abstained from HCl which I need to properly digest proteins, absorb iron, magnesium and process fats. However, I knew that resuming proper amounts of HCl would eventually resolve those symptoms. Above all, I anticipated and enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner with a healthier digestive system. I also learned to avoid foods and/or beverages which relax the lower esophageal valve and irritate the esophagus. Most importantly, I understood that I need God's guidance and grace to relearn how to maintain a comfortable, healthy body, the temple of His Holy Spirit.
I'm uncertain at this point how active (if at all) I want to become with ThinWithin. My situation is very different from most posting members. I did notice some confusion about food allergies, which I could help resolve. However, I don't need or want to lose weight. I only want to review ThinWithin principles which taught me to honor my body with how, when and what I ate. I recently scanned my old TW workbooks. I also reread some of the TW book, which I taught as a TW support group leader 4 years ago. However, I'm in a different place now, emotionally and physically, from where I was 4 years ago. Since then, I healed considerably emotionally and physically, but I now need even more spiritual healing.
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