Pancakes to Celebrate 2009

I wanted to make a special New Year's Eve dinner tonight. So I made buckwheat with shredded apple pancakes and chicken apple breakfast sausage. I only ate 2 pancakes, 1-1/2 sausage with about 1/4 cup of real maple syrup and Earth Balance dairy/soy free margarine. However, I was thoroughly satisfied (and full). That was a perfect year end dinner to celebrate a year of legalizing (making peace with?) all nonallergenic foods.

Years ago I would fear that pancakes with syrup would disrupt my blood sugar so much that I would binge the rest of the night. I so feared any sweet foods that I either binged on them or adamantly avoided them. 5 years ago I learned that I was allergic to pancake ingredients (wheat, milk, egg, cane sugar), but the maple syrup was perfectly safe for me. However, I still needed several years to completely 'legalize' all foods to which I didn't have diagnosed allergies, like the buckwheat pancakes made from allergy free ingredients, which I ate tonight.

2009 was a year of unbelievable changes for me. First of all, I went from bingeing and throwing up an average of once a month during 2008 to bingeing and purging once in January 2010, just eating and throwing up because I was sick with undiagnosed c-diff infection in late March, to not bingeing or throwing up for the rest of the year (over 9 months). Now bingeing seems as gross as purging ... no maybe worse. I did wake up with uncontrollable nausea and dry heaves on the first night I took flagyl for c-diff. However, I don't consider dry heaves from drug induced nausea 'purging'. Nevertheless, I controlled the nausea by drinking ginger tea during the next 3 weeks of flagyl treatment.

The next big change was 'regularity'. Before I contracted the c-diff bacteria (and still don't know how or where), I had chronic constipation unless I ate lots of fiber and took lots of magnesium. I only had relief from that irregularity when I took massive doses of probiotics after eradicating an intestinal bug. However, that 'relief' usually only lasted a month or 2, usually during Maui vacations. Ever since I began treating c-diff with first flagyl and then vancomycin, I've had lots of diarrhea, but sometimes normal regularity. Although c-diff is a dangerous and sometimes lethal bacteria with side effects of headache, nausea, cramping pain, passing mucous and, of course, diarrhea, that last side effect 'cured' my irregularity.

The c-diff infection was the most dangerous and prolonged change. I've previously blogged about how my naturopath initially discounted my symptoms until I insisted on a stool test. Then he treated an infection I'd already had for over 2 months with a 'mild infection' drug, flagyl, which made me sicker than the c-diff infection. When c-diff symptoms returned (because flagyl really wasn't strong enough), he gave me another flagyl 10 day treatment prescription. I didn't finish that prescription, because I was sooo sick from both flagyl and c-diff symptoms. Then he told me to take a 3 day treatment break before starting vancomycin. I later learned that 3 day break allowed the c-diff spores to morph into even higher levels of bacteria.

However my doc only gave me a week's worth of vanco, when the usual treatment was for 10 days. So I should have expected that I would get another recurrence of c-diff. Then I asked for a 2 week treatment dose, but before I finished that dose I discovered online the most successful treatment regimen for recurrent c-diff (tapered and pulse dosing). Unfortunately I didn't do the pulse dose long enough and got another (6th) c-diff recurrence while on vacation in Maui.

After jumping through many medical bureaucratic hoops, we were finally able to get a month's (full dose) prescription for vanco. I took that 4x daily for 17 days, then tapered to 2x a day for a week, once a day for a week, once every other day for 8 days, once every 3rd day for 2 weeks and then once every 4, 5th and sometimes 6th day for awhile. About that time I read about taking stronger doses every 4-6 days. So when I reexperienced some c-diff symptoms I took a stronger dose. That approach worked twice to relieve the symptoms. Then I returned to one vanco every 3, 4 or 5 days.

Thereafter I didn't notice any 'recurrence' symptoms. So I took my last vanco last Sunday (5 days ago). Tomorrow I will go off all meds, digestive enzymes and probiotics for 3-4days before taking another stool test to determine whether I'm finally free of c-diff. I struggled with c-diff for over 9 months, like pregnancy. I wonder what that 9 month struggle did for me, besides resolve my irregularity problems?? I'll consider that in another post. This post is already too long.

Benefits of Mindful Eating

During the past few days of mindfully eating meals, I did not want to stop eating when I felt comfortably full, perhaps because I focussed on how much I enjoyed the food, RATHER than how my stomach felt. So in the future I plan to pay more attention to my stomach cues than the taste and textures of food. When I really enjoy the tastes and textures, I don't want to stop eating before my plate is empty. So I need to serve myself comfort conscious portions in order to feel comfortably full after I finish my plate. I'm still not always comfortable with stopping and leaving food on my plate at home, even though I usually do that in restaurants. I suspect some childhood connection. LOL

HOWEVER, mindfully enjoying the food during the meal prevents after meal nibbles, tastes, and 'on second thought' desserts. I really get tired of tasting and chewing after focussing ONLY on the food (without distractions of tv or reading) during a 15-30 minute meal. So when I'm finished with the meal, I don't want to taste anything else.

Another benefit of mindfully enjoying every bite of food is that I slow down, which does wonders for my already challenged digestive system. When I try to eat slowly, I seem like I'm following some 'diet rule'. However when I get lost in the tastes and textures of my food, I just naturally eat slowly. Obviously, 'getting lost in the taste of food' is something I do when I eat alone, rather than with others. I'm still learning how to balance conversation and socializing with eating and enjoying my meal.

I've tried mindful eating several times during my IE journey. I will eat mindfully for a few meals (usually when I eat alone) and notice the benefits. However, after a few days or weeks, I eventually return to mindless eating while I watch tv or read. Amazingly during this attempt at mindful eating, I noticed that I really LOVE just focussing on the food and my stomach sensations. Now I feel 'cheated' when I can't just focus on the food, because I eat with someone else. I guess that says a lot for 'try, try again'. LOL

Positive Intentions

I often 'resolve' to eliminate habits or stop using habits that cause problems for me. However, I realized that NOT doing something is much more difficult that simply replacing a habit with another habit. After spending the past 3 days considering how I eat past comfortable fullness, as well as how I mismanage my time during the day, and what I want to do differently, I've developed an 'intention' list for 2010:

(1) Continue eating without distractions (tv and/or reading) as often as possible. (I can't focus as well on my food and stomach sensations when I eat with my husband--he's a great distraction!! LOL)

(2) Read and reply to emails, post here or on other sites, etc. during late afternoon, when I'm tired and want to sit, rather than in the morning when I'm energetic and have other things to do and errands to run.

(3) Go off probiotics, digestive enzymes and all meds (esp. vancomycin) so that I can do another DNA Microbial stool test to determine whether I still have c-diff. (I'm tired of guessing. 10 days off vanco should be enough time to let the spores morph into bacteria if I still have spores. Then the test will measure the bacteria, if I had spores which morphed during those 10 days.)

(4) Write SHORTER posts and/or blog entries. LOL (Rather than trying to say it all in one long, confusing post, I'll try to think about what I want to say and/or edit my comments to achieve brevity.)

That's enough for now. If I list any more than 4 'intentions', I probably won't consistently keep them. Maybe after I send my stool test sample, I can consider another intention. However, those 4 'intentions' will keep me busy for the next week or so.

Apparently Irrelevant Decisions

In my recent quest to eat only until I feel comfortably full, I noticed that a few habits almost guarantee that I will feel overly full when I stop eating. A few years ago I read "Relapse Prevention" by Alan Marlatt. In that book he described "Apparently Irrelevant Decisions" (AIDs) which lead to eventual slips or relapses back into using undesirable habits. So I realized that a few of my food preparation and eating habits actually set me up for almost inevitable overeating at my meal.

One of those habits is just serving myself too much, rather than remembering that my empty stomach is only about the size of my loosely clenched fist. Experience has taught me that I can eat more salad containing meat and vegies (maybe 2 cups) than I can bread, peanut butter and fruit. So I now know about how much I need of almost any food to feel satisfied, if I start eating when I'm moderately hungry. Yeah, Perhaps eventually I will consistently recognize my fullness, stop eating and leave food on my plate. However, I don't always feel comfortable with doing that.

However another AID habit is eating standing up while preparing my meal. Often I enter the kitchen starved, because I don't want to be bothered with food until I feel hungry. Then I want to grab and eat something to reduce hunger pain while I prepare the meal. Then I forget all those tastes and nibbles when I sit down to eat my meal. I also want to enjoy what I served myself without feeling too full. Because I'm not totally hungry when I begin the meal, I can overestimate how much I need to feel comfortably full.

So I committed for awhile to not eat anything while preparing a meal to save my hunger for that meal. Being moderately hungry when I start the meal will enhance my enjoyment. Above all, I will have a clear starting point (moderately hungry) to assess how full my stomach feels as I eat.

Eating What I Want Eventually

I played mind games with my cravings before lunch today. I planned to have a peanut butter/banana wrap (on a brown rice tortilla), but I decided to substitute leftover apple slices for the satsuma, because I didn't want anything acidic. Likewise I decided to eat the glazed brownie at dinner, rather than risk reflux (from chocolate) at lunch, because I planned to walk after lunch. Ironically I found my way to those brownies after finishing the wrap and 3-1/2 slices of apple.

I rationalized that I needed to repackage them into a smaller container, now that the glaze had hardened. LOL Of course I had to sample one small brownie (1"x1"x2"). Obviously, I use portion control with treats by cutting them into small pieces. However, I could easily stop after one and a half of those brownie pieces. I felt satisfied. Unfortunately I also experienced the dreaded reflux. Fortunately I don't have 'last supper' reactions to treats. I know I can have them, when I want them. So when I finally let myself have what I want, I can stop after eating a small portion.

However, that mind game avoidance and then eventually eating the brownie tells me that I still restrict somewhat. I'm not concerned with calories, but I am still affected by all those rules about what causes reflux, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, etc. So I'm going to experiment with decreasing the Betaine Hydrochloride I take for digestion.

During the first 2 years HCl improved my digestion and protein absorption. However, this year, when I began taking vancomycin for my c-diff infection, I also began to have more reflux, which was actually ACID reflux for the first time in my life. Before I took HCl I had no obvious stomach acid in reflux. So I suspect the vancomycin hydrochloride antibiotic either increased my stomach acid too much OR eliminating the c-diff infection eliminated my need for additional HCl for digestion. I'm uncertain which, but I need to stay off all digestive supplements and probiotics for 3 days before I do another stool test for c-diff (or other bacteria, parasites and/or fungus).

So I'll just taper off the HCl tomorrow and begin abstaining for the first 3 days of January. Then I can take the test early next week. I just hope that's long enough after my last vanco to allow the c-diff spores to morph into bacteria for the test, IF I still have any spores. I HOPE I don't have any spores or bacteria now, after 9 months of c-diff treatment, tapered treatment and pulse treatment. However, only that test will tell me for sure.

Do More of What Works

As I sat to eat my breakfast this morning, I realized I almost always feel comfortably full AND satisfied after breakfast. I don't struggle with eating past fullness at EVERY meal. Then I recalled what I learned from solution-oriented brief therapy principles: Nobody uses disordered eating habits EVERY minute of the day. So in order to decrease using those habits, they can look for and learn from their exceptions. In other words, they can do more of what work, rather than focus on what doesn't work. So I asked myself, what helps me stop eating when I feel comfortably full at breakfast and realized:

(1) I eat what I love at breakfast. I have either a peanut butter and fruit topped muffin or a bowl of hot cereal with almond butter, hazelnut milk and chopped fruit. Those foods are easy to digest vegan protein (nuts and grains), sweet, fatty and starchy foods.

(2) I serve myself the amount of those foods which usually makes me comfortably full. Do I feel like I'm dieting when I eat the same 2 breakfasts? No, because I love those foods. However, I have reduced the amounts over the years so that I feel comfortably full.

(3) I'm hungry when I start breakfast. So I know when I reach my full point.

(4) More recently, totally focussing on the food and my body sensations lets me enjoy the food so much that I don't want more 'tastes' and want to do something else.

How can I use 'what works' at breakfast to help me stop when I feel comfortably full at lunch and/or dinner?

(1) I need to seriously consider before preparing the meal: what I really want to eat, what would feel good in my stomach, which means what would digest easily, what would keep me unhungry for awhile, as well as what 'needs to be eaten', 'what I planned to eat at the next meal' or what is 'healthy' when I have a cold, fatigue or nutrient deficiency symptoms.

(2) I can usually visualize how much would feel good in my stomach. So I feel comfortable after eating with a small petit pan full of soup, casserole or even mixed foods for dinner. However I think I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied while eating any size of plate full of food. I can usually 'eyeball' a restaurant meal and plan to save a certain amount to take home. Why don't I do that at home? I consider restaurant meals excessive and always expect to take home some of my entree. At home I don't serve myself grossly large portions, just a bit too much, but enough to make me uncomfortably full. So I can either plan in advance to save some of that meal at home or I can take some off my plate and store in the refrigerator before I sit down to eat. Alternatively, in the future, when I store leftovers in individual frozen meals, I can use petit pans, rather than plates. Although that seems like 'cheating', because I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied, I want to do whatever works. Besides telling myself to stop eating when I still have food on my plate reminds me of all the 'fat' teasing from my dad and brother who said "You'll get fat if you eat more of that." So I rebel against stopping with food on my plate.

(3) I need to be moderately hungry, but not starved before a meal, in order to stop at comfortably full.

(4) Focussing at lunch helps me resist more 'snacks' or 'tastes' after lunch. However, eating dinner with my husband is more of a challenge to focussing. Tonight I'll try the netflix during dinner again, but with more comfort conscious portions.

Realizing that I don't overeat at every meal gives me the confidence to do more of what works when I stop at comfortably full: Eat satisfying foods, eat when I'm comfortably hungry (not starved), serve myself comfort conscious portions and focus on tastes, textures and stomach sensations. I'll try those ideas at lunch and dinner.

Surprising Results

In my last post I described how I committed to do whatever seems necessary to stop eating when I feel comfortably full, rather than painfully full. So I first decided to eat mindfully or eat meals sitting down without any distractions, like tv or reading material. Although I previously tried 'focussed eating', I didn't try to resolve my conflicts between focussed and distracted eating. I didn't consider what distracted eating gave me and then try to get that while I ate without distractions. I already described what overeating does for me and how to get that even when I stop at comfortably full. However, I didn't previously realize the similarities between benefits of overeating and distracted eating 'benefits'. Now I realize those are the same.

At breakfast I noticed how much I really enjoyed eating with no distractions. I really got lost in the tastes and textures of my meal. I also let myself watch tv before and after the meal, without eating while the tv was on. I was not acutely aware of my stomach sensations while I ate, but I felt comfortably full when I finished my meal. I didn't want any more 'tastes', because I was 'tired of eating and ready to do move on.

At lunch I observed that I felt disappointed by the sandwich I prepared. The cranberry relish wasn't sweet enough. Yet the overall sandwich ingredients (deli turkey, margarine, lettuce, relish, bread) worked well together. (Note to self: add more sweetner to relish before next use. LOL) I only eat 2-1/2 slices of apple so that I could 'save room' for the cooky I chose for 'dessert', my favorite fruitcake refrigerator cooky. As with breakfast, I felt comfortably full when I stopped eating and felt comfortable until the dinnertime.

Then came dinner ... with my husband ... sitting at the dining room table with candlelight and no tv ... yet with those awkward silent moments when I wanted to just eat and my husband wondered why I wasn't talking ... and those questions I needed to answer just after I took a bite which I wanted to enjoy ... and those comments I needed to make after taking bites which I wanted to savor. SIGH Now I know why I chose to watch tv or Netflix movies during meals with my husband. I have never learned to stop eating long enough to talk, unless the food is supposed to be cold, because I HATE cold food, which is supposed to be hot (another side effect of being forced to sit at the table until I 'cleaned my plate' as a child). Given all that, I ate everything on my luncheon sized plate (saurkraut with apples and carrots over sausage) which could fill my stomach, but not satisfy me without the addition of a starchy (cooky) dessert.

However, I noticed I was feeling full a little over halfway through my plate, but I didn't know what I'd do with 2/3 cup of saurkraut and sausage ... not enough for a meal, but not my kind of 'snack' and certainly not something I'd want to 'throw into' casserole or soup. So I ate the WHOLE PLATE FULL, felt full but not satisfied. So I ate one tiny datenut bar (1"x1"x1") and felt STUFFED! Of course taking a high dose probiotic (127 billion good bacteria per packet) before dinner always makes me feel fuller than just eating food. Whatever ... I still feel uncomfortably full, not what I wanted to feel after a meal and especially not what I planned. However, I realize this is a learning process. Progress, not perfection ...

What I learned from dinner is:

(1) Watching tv while eating with my husband does help me eat less, because I can enjoy each bite without having to quickly swallow to talk. However, I need to find a way to stay aware of my stomach sensations. I also need to find a way to assert my need to tell my husband to stop the tv or movie, before I feel too full so I can put the rest of my food away, rather than continuing to eat. Then I can 'save room for dessert or just feel comfortably full, rather than stuffed.

(2) If I eat a 'distracted meal', I need to serve myself a 'comfort conscious' platefull of food. I feel much more comfortable with a petitpan full of food (about 1-1/2 cups) such as soup, stir fry or casserole. Even when I have separate foods, such as meat, vegie and starch, I usually mix the meat and vegie together as I eat them, because I don't like dry meat (or maybe I just don't digest meat as well?). So maybe I could prethaw my freezer dinners and serve them in a petit pan, which is all I can comfortably eat. Ironically, I don't have problems with overeating in most restaurants, because the portions are so ridiculously huge that I can easily divide my plate in half and save half for another meal. However, at home I often dish up about 50% more than I need, when I freeze individual meals for myself.

What I learned from all 3 meals is that I need to plan to include something really sweet in every meal in order to feel satisfied, at least for now. My cravings may change after I have sweet foods at every meal for awhile. Breakfast is usually not a problem, because sweet fruit on peanut butter and a muffin or sweetened cereal with fruit is very satisfying. So I just need to plan a satisfying dessert for lunch and dinner. Then dessert won't be an 'after thought' or 'after full' food.

Above all, I realized I want to journal about each eating experience for awhile. So I can observe and record what works and what doesn't work in my quest to stop eating when I feel comfortably full. Anyone who has read my previous blog entries will know that I have grappled with the 'stop when satisfied and comfortably full' issue several times. I write about what I intend to do and go into great detail about how I intend to do that. I even quote several authors' suggestions about accomplishing my intended habit change. Then I 'try out' the new habit for a few days or even a few weeks. Then I rationalize how 'normal' eating includes using the habit I wanted to eliminate (like occasional overeating). Finally, I return to using that habit so often that I realize I never changed anything. SIGH

My strongest rationalization for letting myself overeat at meals is that I don't gain weight. I also seldom feel hungry between meals. So I don't have to snack. However, I make myself uncomfortable everytime I overeat. I cause reflux by overeating. I could consume the same amount of food with smaller meals and 1-2 snacks as I consume with my one comfortable meal and 2 uncomfortable meal. Ironically, I eat a small breakfast, because I'm not that hungry after I just ate a early morning snack 1-2 hours before breakfast. Perhaps I could have a similar fruit snack late afternoon and not feel as famished before dinner. Lots to think about.

Meanwhile I intend to blog about my mindful eating attempts for awhile to see what I can learn from both my successes and my mistakes. Right now stopping at 'comfortably full' seems a lot more difficult than resisting bingeing. Maybe I need to conside my rationalizations for overeating, just like I examined my self-talk and rationalizations for bingeing, before I eliminated that habit.

One Conflict to Resolve in 2010

Our guest minister at this evening's service pointed out that when we make resolutions for the new year, we resolve to do certain things. However, we also decide to RESOLVE conflicts in our lives or resolve to resolve. When I consider what I have 'resolved to do' in past years, I usually want to do something that I don't consistently do. For example, during the past year, I wanted to replace bingeing with normal eating or eliminate my former binge eating habit. I had been conflicted between eating normally and binge eating. Most of the time I ate normally, but occasionally (1-2 times a month) I binge ate foods I didn't eat often enough and felt deprived of those foods. So I had to resolve my conflict about whether or not to binge. I resolved that conflict by considering what was positive about binge eating or what it did for me, as well as what was bad about binge eating. I learned to eat former binge foods regularly and resolved the conflict

With that same approach I want to resolve another eating conflict during 2010. I usually eat to the point of comfortably full. However I regularly (sometimes once a day but usually once every other day) eat to the point of uncomfortably full. In order to resolve my conflict between eating just enough and overeating, I want to consider how overeating 'serves me' or what overeating gives me, which I don't believe I will get if I eat just enough. Here's what overeating allows me to do:

(1) 'Clean my plate' so I don't feel guilty about serving myself too much and 'wasting food';

(2) Eat what I REALLY wanted after I eat the foods I thought I wanted (or thought I should eat to get/stay healthy);

(3) Eat enough so that discomfort made me not want to bother with preparing food for a long time after overeating;

(4) Keep my husband company as he overeats his meal;

(5) Not have to get up and put away leftovers (from my plate) while watching a Netflix movie during dinner.

Here's what I dislike about overeating:

(1) Overeating makes me feel uncomfortably full;

(2) Overeating causes reflux;

(3) Overeating turns a potentially satisfying experience into an unpleasant experience;

(4) Overeating creates discomfort that keeps me thinking about (and regretting eating too much) food for at least an hour after the meal;

(5) Overeating makes me so uncomfortable that I don't want to sit or sleep for several hours afterwards;

(6) Overeating stretches my stomach, which already seems disproportionately large, compared to the rest of my thin body.

Although I don't like the results of overeating, I didn't previously realize what overeating allows me to do. How can I do same things without overeating?

(1) Rather than feeling stuffed after 'cleaning my plate', I can either serve myself less or keep a 'leftovers container' by my plate to remind me to put extra food away in the freezer, rather than make myself uncomfortable.

(2) Seriously consider what I REALLY want and what would feel good in my body before I prepare my meal. (Often I try to prepare for dinner what I think my husband would like, but he is happy with separate meals.)

(3) I KNOW I can snack on fruit if I feel hungry before the next meal. Fruit can restore my blood sugar but not ruin my appetite for an upcoming meal, like heavier foods might do.

(4) My husband is no longer overeating. He is storing leftovers for another meal while I continue to stuff myself. LOL

(5) I can eat more mindfully (without TV?) so that I enjoy my meal so much that I don't want more tastes after I'm full.

Above all, I need to 'get real' with myself and not discount overeating. During the past 9 months, I rationalized as I overate, "Well, at least I'm not bingeing and purging." However, at least one meal a day was a mini binge, because I overate. I may not have thought 'Oh what the heck, I might just as well binge'. However, I did rationalize that I'm thin and can 'get away with' overeating. Nevertheless discomfort from overeating told me that I didn't 'get away with' anything.

When I committed to stop bingeing (which helped eliminate purging), I agreed thgat I would do whatever was necessary to prevent binges. I need to take that same approach with overeating. I need to do whatever is necessary to prevent overeating. I don't need to rate my hunger and fullness. I know when I stop feeling hungry and start feeling full. I just need to heed that slight fullness as a serious sign to stop eating, rather than wonder how much more I can stuff into my body before I feel uncomfortable. I need to stop at the crosswalk when I see the yellow light, rather than halfway into the intersection after I notice the red light.

I need recognize uncomfortable fullness as a problem which I create by choices. I don't need to make myself uncomfortable. I need to focus on eating when comfortably hungry to the point of comfortable fullness. Any eating beyond that point is counterproductive and self-destructive.

Nine Months Without Bingeing

Christmas Eve Day marked 9 months of my abstinence from binges. 10 years ago I abstained for almost 6 months. However during the next 10 years I struggled to abstain 3-4 months in a row. So I averaged a little more than one binge a month until last March, when I committed to do whatever was necessary to eliminate binges. Initially I counted weeks without bingeing. Then I counted months. Eventually not bingeing, no matter what or how else I ate, became my norm. Now I focus on eating just enough to feel comfortably full, when I feel comfortably hungry. I resist eating past 'full'. I also resist eating just because the food is there. However, I don't condemn myself when I do eat beyond full or before I'm hungry.

Above all, during the past 9 months I committed to not let myself throw up no matter how much I refluxed or felt nauseas after eating any amount. I realized that giving myself permissioin to throw up, when I felt uncomfortably full or nauseas, also gave me permission to continue to overeat or even binge. I only threw up once during the past 9 months, when I was so sick from flagyl side effects that I woke up with extreme nausea at 3am (long after dinner had digested) and couldn't fight spontaneous heaving as my body reacted to that drug. However, I learned to cope with flagyl induced nausea and didn't throw up again during flagyl treatment.

However, allowing myself 'antideprivation eating' also prevented me from wanting to overeat great amounts of any one food. Antideprivation eating allowed me to eat a few bites of dessert, even when I felt full after a meal, so that I wouldn't feel 'deprived of' that dessert food. I don't often want 'sweets' or desserts when I feel hungry. Nevertheless, I crave a 'sweet ending' to lunches and dinners.

Also I stayed aware of my 'self-talk', especially when I was in former binge situations. I avoided 'all or nothing' decisions. When I felt too full after a meal, I didn't let myself say "I blew it. I might just as well binge." When I snacked between meals, I tried to stay aware of my stomach fullness. So I would stop eating when I felt full, whether or not I started eating when I was hungry. I didn't think "I'm eating standing up between meals. This is a binge. I might just as well eat everything I haven't let myself eat for awhile" because there were no foods I restricted unless those contained my diagnosed allergens. However, my allergens are mostly ingredients. So I can still enjoy tasty 'treats' made from allergen free ingredients.

However, I also consider what I really want to eat and don't feel driven to overeat foods I previously restricted. Right now I have in my house 4 kinds of cookies, 3 different flavors of ice cream, 2 kinds of candy, leftover frosted birthday cake, zucchini bread, jam, nuts, crackers, chips. I've eaten small amount of every one of those foods within the past month. I know I can eat those anytime I want them. So I don't crave sweets or snack foods any more than I crave other foods. It's all just food now.

I wish I could say at the end of this year that I haven't binged for a year. However, I know that time will come in a few months. Meanwhile, I continue to practice grace, tolerance and moderation with my eating habits.

C-Diff Update

I didn't mention in my last 'preChristmas' post that my husband bought me one expensive Christmas gift, a $350 DNA Microbial stool test to determine whether I still have c-diff. That gift seems more like a health related necessary expense than a Christmas gift. However, I often said that all I want for Christmas is freedom from C-diff.

Nevertheless, the test results won't necessarily guarantee that I'm well, even if the test is negative for bacteria. Given my experience with spores, which hide out in gut lesions and later morph into bacteria in the absence of antibiotics, I fear the test will only show that I have no bacteria, while I still may have c-diff spores. I want to wait until I have no c-diff symptoms, after I stop taking vanco at least a week. However I experienced obvious c-diff symptoms when I delayed taking a 'pulse' dose for 6 days. I only took one vanco after 6 days. Then I felt better for a day, but got more c-diff symptoms 2 days later. So more recently I only skipped 3 days and took 2 vanco on the 4th day. Then I took high dose probiotics last night. I fear that if I wait too long between doses to take the stool test, I will have such a high amount of bacteria that I can't kill those with 'pulse doses' of vanco. I really have no idea what's going on in my gut, but I recognize know my c-diff symptoms when they occur.

Meanwhile I keep getting vancomycin side effect symptoms, specifically a plugging and ringing in my ears, which is a precursor to hearing loss, a common side effect of long term vanco use. I defintely want to stop taking vanco before I lose my hearing. However, I want to kill off the spores before they morph into bacteria which causes pseudomembraneous colitis which could destroy my colon. What to do? What to do?

My naturopathic doc is totally clueless about how to treat recurrent c-diff. However, traditional docs only use diagnostic tests which require the patient be very ill, i.e., (1) the toxin test, which measures toxins (which cause symptoms) produced by large amounts of bacteria (toxin test) or (2) a colonoscopy to look for signs of the 'pseudomembrane' on the colon. I don't want to wait until I'm sick enough for their tests. I want to keep killing off the bacteria as they morph from spores, since I can't really kill the spores with antibiotic. I want to keep killing the bacteria until there are no more spores. Unless, I have spores on the surfaces of my bathroom counters, I most likely can kill all the spores and erradicate this c-diff infection. The question is when ...

PreChristmas Update

I haven't posted for awhile, because I've been busy with Christmas decorating, baking, cards and visiting with friends and neighbors. This year my husband and I decided to not give Christmas presents to each other, because we both have difficulty deciding what to buy for each other. 2 years ago we just gave each other gift certificates to our favorite stores. However, I love shopping, but he doesn't. I used all my gift certificates within a few months. My husband, who warned me that the certificates would soon expire, kept his unused certificates for almost a year.

Last year we decided to buy each other one expensive gift. I wanted to buy my husband a new bicycle. However, he's very attached to his old bicycle, which needed lots of repairs and part replacements. So we took his bike to REI and I paid for a complete overhaul of that bike. I had a sewing machine which requires tricky installation of a special attachment to evenly feed both layers of fabric (a walking foot). So he bought me a new sewing machine with a dual (even) feed option. Then we just stuffed each other's Christmas stocking with edible gifts.

This year I decided to give my time, rather than spend money on presents, so that my husband didn't have to shop for presents. I baked 4 different kinds of Christmas cookies, decorated most of the house, spent a day cooking a preChristmas dinner and will spend this afternoon preparing winter (butternut squash) soup. We originally planned to eat that on Christmas Eve. However we also plan to attend an early evening Christmas service. So I decided to just cook the soup today and put away the leftovers after dinner, which we can't easily do, if we need to rush off to an early evening church servicee.

However I kept looking at those empty stockings until I decided to buy and wrap a few edible gifts for my husband. Then I added a few snack bags full of Christas cookies (to remind him of all the cookies I baked for him?). Today I want to buy for him one more 'stocking' gift of warm socks for our cold Seattle winter. Although I told my husband that I didn't need anything, I'm glad I received gifts from friends and relatives. I suspect my husband will do some last minute shopping for gifts to fill my 'sock'.

I totally enjoyed yesterday. I delivered plates of Christmas cookies to 2 different neighbors and spent time chatting with each of them. During the early afternoon an old friend came to visit me. We walked around the lake and fed crows, coots and squirrels. Then I made lunch which we enjoyed, while we continued to share our latest news.

I'll post more later about how we actually celebrated Christmas ...

Mortality and Memories

After my cousin's husband received my Christmas card, he called to tell me that she died on November 6. He knew my cousin and I had been very close, but he couldn't find a phone number or email address for me at the time of her death. When her health was seriously deteriorating before she died, I was in Maui. So she died within a week after I returned. I wish I had known so that I could have attended the funeral.

I'm still in shock. My cousin was like a sister to me. She was 6 months younger than I am. Her mom was my mom's only sister and my closest aunt. That aunt encouraged and supported me more than anyone else in my younger years. When my mom would criticize me for being 'fat' (because I wasn't as thin as my older brother), my aunt would defend me. My aunt was the mother I wished I had. When I was in junior high every Sunday I walked 4 miles to attend Sunday school at a church which my cousin also attended. After Sunday School I went home with my cousin and spent the rest of the day at her house until my dad drove over to pick me up, because my mom didn't want me to 'bother' my aunt. My aunt NEVER considered me a 'bother'. My cousin treated me like her twin sister, although we didn't look exactly alike.

I talked to my cousin on the phone during early September, before I went to Maui in October. She had just come home from a long hospital stay where she struggled with congestive heart failure, contracted c-diff and began regular kidney dialysis. She had been overweight and had diabetes for years. So the heart and kidney problems were results of long term diabetes. When we talked on the phone, my cousin couldn't remember much of her recent hospital stay, because she was in and out of consciousness. However, she did remember getting treated for c-diff, tested and treated for a recurrence of c-diff. So we shared our c-diff experiences. Even though my cousin had just spent several months in the hospital literally fighting for her life, she eagerly listened to my c-diff experience. I wanted to know about her hospital experience and health challenges, but she wanted to hear about my health challenges. She had always been interested in me, no matter what struggles she endured.

I can hardly believe my cousin died, even though I mentally know the extent of her health problem from diabetes, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, etc. She had just turned 62 in late August. I've been 62 for almost a year and don't feel old. Most people tell me that I don't look my age. They guess that I'm 15-20 years younger than I am. Even though I read obits about women who die during their 40s, 50s and 60s, I just can't believe my cousin died of diabetic complications at age 62.

My father also died of diabetic complications in his 60s (age 65). In fact most people in his side of the family over the age of 40 developed type 2 diabetes and later died of diabetic complications. So I know I would be susceptibleto diabetes if I let myself become overweight. That spectre of diabetes partly influenced my decision to lose 40 pounds after I gained the 'freshman 25' and stay on the 'thin side' for the past 40+ years. However, I must admit that my commitment to never give anyone reason to tease me about being 'fat' again initially had a greater influence on my decision to stay thin for the rest of my life.

When I was in junior high and high school I was average weight and intelligent. I also had many close friends. However, I wasn't in the 'popular clique'. I belonged to the 'brainy' clique of students who took all the honors classes in high school. Nevertheless, my mother regularly chided me for not being 'thin, pretty and popular' like my cousin. Fortunately I didn't let my mother's attitude (that I was never good enough) interfere with my relationship with my cousin. When we attended the same high school, we were in different social circles. However, she always was friendly to me.

When my parents decided to move across the state during the middle of my senior year, I was devastated. I had attended grade school, junior high and high school with many of the same friends. I loved my high school and looked forward to graduating with a class of almost 1,000 students. So my aunt asked my mom if I could live with their family (and graduate with my cousin) for the remainder of my senior year. I really wanted to live with them and graduate with my class. However, true to form, my mother said she didn't want to 'burden' my aunt. So my mom insisted that I move during the middle of my senior year and finish the year at a new school 600 miles away from my friends and cousin. My mother rationalized that she had done that as a high school student (and was still bitter about her move), so I should be able to also adjust. I DID adjust. I graduated with a 3.95 average (one B in the latter part of my senior year in the new school but all As for the rest of high school). However, I didn't make many close friends at my new school. I did find ways to secretly rebel against my mom during the rest of my senior year.

After high school I saw my aunt and my cousin infrequently. My cousin and I went our separate ways until her father's unexpected death in his early 50s. I saw my cousin at that funeral and 2 years later at the funeral of her mom and my aunt, who committed suicide after struggling with grief for 2 years after her husband's death. Then I saw my cousin only a few more times, once after my mom's death and another time when she and her husband and 2 children visited Seattle. I met her and her girls for shopping and then again in the evening for a long dinner. Thereafter I talked to my cousin at least once a year on the phone. I called her on holidays, like her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Occasionally she called me. She always loved to talk when I called, but I eventually suspected that I missed her more than she missed me.

Now I miss her painfully. The shock is wearing off and the pain is setting in. Maybe her death triggers all the pain from other deaths of my aunt, my ex-husband's mom, my own mom and dad. Perhaps my pain comes from regret about missed opportunities to get together. I regret not calling my cousin again after I got back from Maui. However, I also realize that she may have not been available to talk. At the end of October her health was rapidly deteriorating. During one of her last hospitalizations, she contracted MRSA. Her husband told me that she recovered from MRSA after getting antibiotic treatment. However she also had been put on a c-pap machine to facilitate her breathing which was diminished by congestive heart failure. Soon thereafter she developed pneumonia. She never recovered from that and died November 6, one month and one day before I learned of her death.

Perhaps because I look younger than I am and because I actively work to stay healthy, I seldom think about death from illness. I eat healthy foods, because I abstain from my food allergies (which eliminates junk and fast foods) and eat mostly a vegan diet. I exercise daily, get enough sleep, don't smoke, drink alcohol or take any OTC drugs. I've never used 'recreational' drugs. Despite having CD and 6 food allergies, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, high HDLs (the good cholesterol) and healthy CBC test results. I initially feared complications from c-diff, when I was first diagnosed with that bacteria. However, I now believe I will eventually eradicate all the c-diff spores with 'pulse dose' vancomycin treatment. I don't feel 'old'. I feel healthier than I felt 10 years ago. However, the death of my cousin, who was 6 months younger than I am, vividly reminded me of my own mortality.

Now What?

Last Wednesday was my 15th day of 'every 3rd day' pulse dose vancomycin treatment for c-diff. I never previously continued that far in the 'pulse dose' phase of treatment. This morning (3 days later) I experienced nausea, cramping pain and diarrhea again. I wonder whether my c-diff spores have 'morphed' into bacteria again right on schedule with the every 3rd day treatment plan. However, I had planned to go 4-5 days before taking more vanco. So I may just ride out these symptoms and take a vanco or 2 tomorrow.

I wonder whether the diarrhea is related to increased fiber during the past 3 days. I've eaten hot cooked cereal (with rice bran) for breakfast and soups or casseroles (with rice bran thickener) for dinners during the past 3 days. However, that doesn't explain the nausea and cramping pain, which are my usual c-diff symptoms. I want this long c-diff nightmare to be over YESTERDAY. I wish I had a doctor who knew how to treat c-diff recurrences. I can only rely on online articles about studies which successfully treated recurrences.

I observe that my symptoms appear about every 3 days and disappear after taking 1-2 vanco on that third day. Also daily taking 2 probiotic capsules seems to eliminate the diarrhea. I had thought that taking vanco caused the diarrhea, because vanco destroys the good bacteria. However I noticed after not taking vanco for 3 days that my c-diff symptoms and diarrhea returned today. I'm rather confused. I wish I knew for sure what's going on.

I could get another $350 DNA Microbial Stool Test which could confirm whether or not I still have c-diff. However, I prefer to wait until I'm symptom free before taking that test. As long as I have symptoms, I still suspect I have newly 'morphed from spores' bacteria which are creating toxins and causing those symptoms. Here I go again ... I told my husband that the only thing I want for Christmas is to be free of c-diff by Christmas. He told me to get that expensive test to tell me for sure.

Additional Reactions to Food, Inc.

The documentary didn't specifically mention the following ideas, but we (my husband and I) intend to:

(1) Eat more vegan meals. We already eat vegan breakfasts daily, vegan lunches 2-3x a week, and vegan dinners twice a week. We can easily increase the number of vegan lunches and dinners (from legumes and grains or legumes and nuts or seed combination foods) which we consume.

(2) Limit our consumption of poultry to organic, free-range, antibiotic free poultry, but at least turkey once or twice a year.

(3) Limit our consumption of other meats to organic, free-range, antibiotic free animal sources.

(4) Mostly eat local or homegrown products. Some of our foods come from Pacific Northwest companies like Bob's Red Mill in Portland, which produces many of our gluten free grains and cereals. However, we buy most of our gluten free sandwich breads from Ener-G foods in Seattle. My husband drives right by their bakery on his way to work. I make all of our quick breads and pastries, like fruit breads, cakes and cookies. We previously made all our own dairy/soy free icecream. However, we recently began buying Truly Decadent coconut milk based frozen desserts. I intend to either investigate that company's location and practices or resume making my own vegan 'vice' cream.

(5) Continue to freeze whatever we don't immediately consume from our produce garden harvest and other farmers' market purchased produce for later use.

(6) Try some local vegan restaurants. Perhaps that will introduce us to more vegan entree ideas. I already found many great vegan meat substitute recipes in my allergy free cookbooks.

(7) Finally, continue to eat nonallergenic foods that are healthy for our bodies. Above all, eat no more than we need according to physical hunger/fullness sensations. Serve ourselves only as much as we can comfortably consume. Then freeze leftovers for future meals. Cook in quantity to save food for future meals. We can waste less food by only serving ourselves what we need. If we feel overly full or even stuffed after a meal or if we eat more than necessary to maintain our ideal weight, WE ARE WASTING FOOD. Obviously weighing more than our ideal healthy weight means we wasted food just as effectively as throwing away good food. The solution is not to serve ourselves more than we need.

The "Food, Inc." documentary really opened our eyes to unhealthy practices in the food industry. We now better understand all the 'fuss' about non GMO foods, free range raised animals, antibiotic free meat and organic produce. We're glad we belong to and shop at a local food coop. Most of all, we appreciate what that coop is doing to support local farmers and oppose big food industry conglomerate practices.

Suggestions from "Food, Inc."

Here are suggestions from Food, Inc. to help us avoid illness from foods we eat and to avoid supporting big food industry conglomerates which promote dangerous and inhumane techniques to raise produce and meat products:

(1) Proper handling of meats: We already sterilize cutting boards and wash our hands thoroughly after handling raw meats. However I intend to abstain from poultry that isn't organic, not fed antibiotics or isn't raised free range. Of course 'free range' can merely mean the door of the chicken coop was left open the day the food inspector came to the farm. So we intend to ascertain how our meat was raised before we buy chicken or other meat in the future. We're considering buffalo.

(2) Read labels: We already read the ingredients on everything we buy, because we have multiple food allergies.

(3) Buy locally: We already buy many local products, but we can do better.

(4) Buy organic, non GMO products: We can easily do that at PCC. However, some fruits, which we peel, don't need to be organic. Nevertheless, we can still buy local 'farmers' market more than store bought produce.

(5) Raise your own produce: We already do that and store much of our harvest in the freezer for later consumption. We grow strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and grapes. We also grow lettuce, kale or spinach, carrots, leeks, green beans, peas, zucchini or crookneck or spaghetti squash (depending on the year), brocolli, tomatoes and 20 different herbs. After watching 'Food, Inc.' we discussed increasing the size of our gardens to raise even more produce.

In another post, I will describe how we plan to implement some suggestions from "Food, Inc."

Reactions to Food, Inc.

Last night we finished watching the Netflix DVD of the documentary "Food, Inc." I was both shocked by what I saw and embarrassed because I didn't know how big food companies controlled how farmers raised animals and plant crops for maximum yield in minimum time. Ironically before I watched that DVD, I had read a "Consumer Reports" article about how most raw chicken meat in this country contained high amounts of salmonella and campylobacter. As someone who has struggled with several intestinal bacterial infections, that article introduced me to what I saw in 'Food, Inc.'

I was most shocked to see how farmers for huge poultry conglomerates raised chickens for slaughter. Multitudes of chickens were crowded into chicken houses with overhead feed mechanisms. So the chickens ate and defecated in the same area with little room to even move. So they constantly stood and layed in their excrement. If one chicken developed bacterial infections, they all got the same bacteria. Furthermore, they were fed antibiotics purportedly to keep them healthy. However those antibiotics sped up the growth rate and helped develop heavier birds. Many birds were so heavy they had difficulty walking or even standing. Heavier, sick birds died and lay in the coop with the healthy ones until the 'gatherers' came to take the chickens to market.

I won't describe the inhumane treatment of those chickens during that 'gathering' process, because they would be killed for market anyway. However that 'treatment' just increased the possibility of bacterial infection. Of course the poultry industry warns us to thoroughly cook poultry to kill the bacteria, as well as sterilize any utensils or cutting boards used in preparation. However, the presence of those salmonella and campylobacter bacteria in most chickens says the antibiotics in the chicken feed don't eliminate those bacteria. The antibiotics just create bigger, heavier chickens which can barely walk. Then we consume unnecessary antibiotics, which can make our bodies resistant to those antibiotics, should we ever need those drugs to fight an infection.

Then I watched how cows were raised for slaughter and saw similar situations where cows were crowded together and covered with their excrement. If one cow got bacteria, they all were susceptible. I never have liked beef that much anyway. So that portion of the documentary turned me completely against buying big name brand 'beef'.

However, we began watching that documentary a day after Thanksgiving. We had purchased and baked an organic, free range turkey from our local Puget Consumers Coop, mainly because they don't add sugar to their turkeys. However I had previous purchased some Foster Farms chicken drumsticks. The Consumer Reports article study showed that 'FF' chickens rated high salmonella and campylobacter. Those cute chicken commercials don't tell the whole story.

Another part of the documentary showed how big food industries (specifically corn and soybean) controlled how the farmers raised their crops. I don't eat soy anyway because I have a diagnosed allergy to soy. After my husband previously had a suspicious thyroid nodule, he also limits how much soy he consumes. However we both consume products made from corn, because we abstain from gluten to avoid gluten intolerance and celiac reactions.

My first reaction to the documentary was to decide to go 'vegan' and not eat any more meat. Then I recalled how difficult a vegan diet can be without soy, which we can't eat. So I decided to use only vegan protein combinations (like legumes and grains or legumes and nuts or seed) PLUS fish. Then my husband and I discussed whether we could find any 'free range', humanely handled, locally grown poultry. We will look for those 'labels' the next time we go to PCC or even Whole Foods. However, I doubt we will find many poultry products with those labels. I don't care whether I ever eat beef again.

I was pleased and intrigued by the suggestions at the end of the documentary about how to fight big food conglomerates' hold on farmers and prevent illness from store bought meat or other food products. In another post I will describe what the Food Inc. documentary suggested to avoid supporting big food glomerate tactics. I will also comment on what we already do.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This year we've simplified Thanksgiving dinner. Instead of making 'stuffing', we followed a recipe which uses chopped apples and onions to 'stuff' the turkey. We limited side dishes to 3, which are brussel sprouts (my favorite), corn (necessary for my husband) and yams (we both like). Instead of dessert, we'll just enjoy some nonalcoholic wine with dinner. If we want dessert later, we still have my husband's birthday carrot cake with orange/peach/ginger icing. YUMMEEE!!

Rather than eating later in the day, we're trying to have a mid afternoon meal. I'm usually hungry midday and not as hungry by evening, when I'm just tired and want to go to bed. Also we will have time and space after dinner to begin a new jigsaw puzzle on the dining room table. Hopefully we will finish that puzzle before we need the table for Christmas dinner. LOL

Rather than trying to fit in exercise sometime between food preparation or after dinner before darkness falls, we walked after breakfast this morning. I also prepared as much food as I could during the previous 2 days. So we only had to season and stuff the turkey and cook that along with the vegies. (I made cranberry relish 2 days ago to intensify the flavor.)

With simpler dinner preparation, we have more time to focus on the 'thanks' or gratitude part of Thanksgiving. So today I feel grateful for the following:

(1) I finally know how to eat normally any food that feels good (doesn't cause allergic reactions) in my body. Whether that food is considered 'healthy', high fat, high sugar, or whatever, I can listen to my body cues of hunger, satisfaction, fullness and comfort to tell me when, what and how much to eat. I no longer fear 'losing control' or overeating. I can easily maintain my ideal weight by eating intuitively.

(2) I feel healthy, even though I don't know whether 7 months of treatment has completely eradicated all my c-diff 'spores', and have none of the usual 'life style' maladies which plague people my age.

(3) I feel blessed by financial security, a house without a mortgage, an adequate health insurance plan, enough 'classic' clothes which flatter my figure, no matter what fashion dictates, and time to do whatever I want.

(4) I am continuing to learn and grow in my relationship with my husband, who has both taught me and learned from me during the past 15 years of our marriage.

(5) God's grace, both through salvation for the afterlife, and His daily presence, pardon and provision for my health and well-being in this life.

Then vs. Now

Yesterday morning I awoke from a disturbing dream. I remember that I wanted to throw up. I wanted to get away from other people to find a private bathroom. I didn't feel sick, but I was aware of too much food in my stomach. Maybe I felt guilty about what I eat. I sensed I had eaten cookies and felt full of doughy, sweet food. When I finally found an empty bathroom, I tried but could not throw up. Then I woke up.

My first reaction to the dream was to wonder why I even wanted to throw up when I felt no discomfort and was not refluxing from being overly full. After 8 months of successfully resisting bingeing and purging, I felt alarmed about even dreaming about wanting to purge. Over the past 8 months I have endured discomfort of overeating and resisted throwing up, no matter what.

Later I realized that dream had a positive message, because I had wanted to throw up but physically could not. That's dramatically different from my experience over the past 10 years. More often than not, I had not intended to throw up, but I felt painfully full after consuming moderate amounts of allergens and the food was already refluxing, when I decided to throw up. However, many years ago, I decided to throw up after feeling guilty about eating too many calories or too much high fat food. Usually I decided to continue overeating after I decided I would eventually throw up. Nevertheless, more recently food allergies and other intestinal problems caused discomfort and severe reflux before I considered throwing up.

Ironically I overate later that evening at my husband's 'birthday dinner'. Then I experienced severe reflux which showed me why I could so easily throw up after eating too many sweet foods. My husband requested liver and onions, french fries and green beans for his birthday dinner. I had already baked and frosted a carrot cake, which we planned eat for dessert after dinner. So I intended to eat only a small serving of the liver, fries and beans. However, the liver was SOOOOO tender and tasty, that I decided to eat the whole portion. I also recalled how good I always felt after eating liver, because I had borderline anemia for many years. So I felt obviously full after the meal BEFORE dessert.

Nevertheless I planned to eat a small amount of cake with ice cream with my husband. I served myself and ate about 3 bites of cake and 2 spoonfuls of ice cream. However, that small amount took me from obviously full to painfully full. I knew from experience that sipping ginger tea and just distracting myself from the discomfort would give my stomach time to digest the food, which would relieve my discomfort. However, while putting away the birthday candles, I bent over to reach a bottom draw. Bending over when I was overly full made me reflux my dessert. So I quickly stood up to prevent throwing up. I swallowed some tea to wash the food back down. Then I recalled reading that foods with high amounts of sugar and fats (like frosting) caused the lower esophageal valve to relax, just like caffeine or alcohol (which I avoid). I know I can eat small amounts of high sugar/fat containing foods and not reflux. However overeating foods that relax the lower esophageal valve almost guarantees reflux for me.

Then I understood why years ago I could easily throw up after drinking too much alcohol or overeating sweets or chocolate. I never forced myself to throw up. I just 'went with the flow' because the food was coming up anyway. That all makes sense now ... especially the panicky sensation I experienced after eating some sweet foods. I now know that I have a cane sugar allergy, which causes immediate rapid heart beat (tachycardia), which can seem like a panic attack. Even when I wanted to eat moderate amounts of sweet foods those tachycardia symptoms would make make think I was overly excited or frightened by the food.

I also felt out of control around foods which I restricted until the next binge eating episode. I believed I could avoid binges by abstaining from those 'binge' foods. However, I eventually learned that restriction actually influenced me to binge eat those foods, rather than eat them moderately. Although refluxing and rapid heart beat symptoms influenced me to throw up, fear, restriction and feeling deprived influenced me to binge.

That was then and this is now. Now my diagnosed allergies restrict me from eating certain ingredients (like wheat, dairy, eggs, cane sugar, soy, vanilla and nutmeg). However I can still eat all pastries (cake, cookies, pies, breads) which are prepared from allergen free ingredients. For example, I made a carrot cake with beet sugar, palm kernal shortening, cinnamon, flax meal (instead of eggs) and gluten free flours like rice, tapioca and bean flours. I can still eat sweets made from allergen free ingredients. So I don't feel deprived of favorite foods. I just prepare (or buy) any foods with safe ingredients.

I no longer fear I will 'lose control' and binge, because I know I DECIDED to binge and I DECIDED to throw up, when I could have resisted even when I felt painfully full and was refluxing. Above all, I can trust my body to stay in a healthy weight range when I usually eat only when hungry and stop eating when I'm moderately or comfortably full. After an overeating episode, I just don't want to eat as much, because I remember the discomfort and don't want to suffer that pain again.

After overeating birthday dinner and cake, I ate much smaller meals (and more snacks) so that I would not feel 'full' today. I enjoyed eating 'just enough', rather then reach full every time I ate. I initially thought I would not want any more birthday cake for several days, after the reflux incident. However after a small lunch I wanted to try another taste. So I sliced off a 1/4 inch sliver and enjoyed about 4 small bites without feeling overly full. I didn't want any dessert after dinner tonight. I plan to have a small salad and a larger piece of cake for lunch tomorrow. After that, I may return to fruit or ice cream for dessert. Besides, at the rate my husband is eating his cake, there won't be any left in few days. LOL

After 8 months of consciously training myself to eat foods I loved to prevent feeling deprived, stop eating when I felt full, rather than stuffed, resist throwing up no matter how sick I felt, I finally prefer feeling comfortably full or even just satisfied. I can confidently eat any foods I want and maintain my ideal weight. I can quickly recover from an occasional overeating episode and return to normal eating, without considering 'compensation' by purging or starving. Even with 7 diagnosed food allergy restrictions I eat more 'normally' now than I ever did before.

Taste vs. Stomach Cues

Every so often I reread "Appetite Awareness Workbook" by Linda Craighead. I suspect that book, more than any other, helped me stop bingeing and purging, but also learn to prefer feeling comfortably full rather than stuffed when I stop eating. I previously had read in 'Weigh Down Workshop' and 'ThinWithin' that the flavor of food diminishes as we become satisfied. So the authors of those 2 books suggest that diminished taste is a good signal to tell us stop eating. However Linda Craighead says:

"Taste, or rather anticipated taste, is not a good signal to use when deciding when to eat ... Taste is also not a good signal to decide when to stop eating. Most foods still taste good at the moderate fullness point. If you rely on the taste as your signal to stop, you will eat until the food no longer tastes good, or until the food is gone ... Since taste is a very powerful and natural signal, it is better to respect that signal and work with it rather than try to trick it ... Use taste as one of the signals you use to decide what type of food you are going to eat; doing so protects you from developing feelings of deprivation ... Balance the power of the anticipated taste with accurate predictions about how that food is going to make you feel once it gets past your mouth."

Linda Craighead also explains why relying on stomach cues, rather than taste, to decide when to start eating and when to stop eating, prevents inner struggles and/or feelings of deprivation. She says:

"When you listen more to your stomach and less to your mouth, you will find it easier to stop after moderate amounts of food. Your mouth is focused on taste, so you may end up feeling deprived is you don't eat as much as you want. Your stomach signal is based on fullness, not taste. Your stomach signal is the secret to eating less without feeling too deprived. You don't debate the issue or try to justify eating more. By using stomach signals, you take the decision to stop eaitng out of the psychological realm. If you focus on getting psychologically satisfied, anything less feels negative. When your goal is just to get food, you can feel good about stopping at moderate fullness."

Relying on stomach cues vs. taste or psychological 'satisfaction' simplifies for me the entire eating decision process. If I don't feel satisfied when I feel comfortably full, I can choose another food the next time I feel hungry and eat. If I enjoy how a food tastes, but feel comfortably full while I'm still enjoying that taste, I can always have that food the next time I feel hungry.

Habit Change: Observations

I'm amazed at how well I did during the past few days with eating 'just enough' at all 3 meals. I suspect motivation was key to my success. Rather than let rationalizations like, "I'll starve if I don't leave the table stuffed" or "I don't need to lose any more weight, so I should ignore fullness", I wanted to just see if I COULD stop at comfortably full. I doubted that I could even recognize 'just enough' or 'satisfaction'. I sometimes ate beyond 'no longer hungry', but I stopped at 'comfortably full' at each meal.

This experiment of stopping when I feel satisfied, 'just enough' and/or comfortably full reminds me of what Karen Koenig suggested in her "50 Tips to Help You Succeed at 'Normal Eating'". In the section about hunger, she said:

"14. Consider your hunger as a signal that you need fuel, not that you have to go out and seek the most fantastic eating experience of your life.

15. Practice believing that hunger is for fuel and pleasure, not for meeting emotional needs."

Those tips reminded me that eating can be pleasurable, but I have many other physical pleasures. However, overeating to the point of physical discomfort is NOT pleasureable. Above all, not every eating experience will be the 'most fantastic experience of (my) life'. Considering each meal as a way to nourish my body, rather than reward myself for enduring daily struggles or procrastinate unpleasant tasks, helps me stop eating when my BODY tells me (with slight fullness cues and absence of hunger) that the food served its purpose of nourishing my body.

This morning during my long hot shower, I contemplated what other physical pleasures I enjoy as much (or more than eating) and recalled the following:

Long hot showers

Wearing comfortable warm clothes on cold days and light clothes on hot days;

Long walks in any weather;

Aerobic exercises and/or yoga stretches;

Sound, restful sleep;

Drinking water when I'm thirsty;

Drinking ginger tea when I feel nauseas or have a cold;

Biking or playing tennis during the summertime;

Ice skating during the wintertime;

Active household chores when I feel energetic;

Smelling flowers in my garden or lavender scented pillows;

Restful activities (like blogging or sewing) when I feel tired.

I suspect I've overlooked other physical pleasures. However that list is enough to remind me eating is not my only physical pleasures.

Habit Change: Fears and Facts

Stopping at 'comfortably full' at breakfast and lunch seemed so easy that I wondered why I fall back into overeating at meals so easily. FEARS AND RATIONALIZATIONS influenced my slide back into overeating. Here are the fears and rationalizations, which I hear myself saying when I no longer feel hungry or even slightly full, but I still want to eat:

(1) If I don't leave the table feeling obviously full (or even stuffed), I'll get hungry before the next planned meal, like when I'm out walking or running errands, or even before my husband gets home for dinner. If I eat a snack when I feel that hunger, I either won't want to eat the meal with my husband or I'll eat what I really wanted to eat at the meal and feel too stuffed.

(2) I didn't get to eat enough of what I really wanted to eat.

(3) I took probiotics with this meal. So the fullness I feel comes from intestinal bloating, not 'enough' food.

(4) I don't need to lose weight. Why worry about stopping at 'just enough'? If I overeat at this meal, I can just eat less at the next meal.

In order to resist those rationalizations, here's how I can respond to thoughts which motivate me to ignore slightly 'full' sensations and keep eating to the point of physical discomfort:

(1) I can't believe I'm still listening to that silly rationalization. I now eat 4x daily. So my meals are no more than 4 hours apart after my early morning fruit snack. I'm seldom starved for meals unless I ignore my stomach cues. I also know which food combinations will keep me unhungry for at least 4 hours. Above all, my blood sugar seems to have stabilized (after 8 months on not bingeing). So I no longer get those blood sugar peaks and valleys. I also don't crave and/or consume sweet foods as often, perhaps because I finally eliminated candida overgrowth.

(2) I need to not only choose foods which I enjoy and which feel good in my body, but also decide which food (when I have more than one at a meal) I most want to eat. I already learned to prevent feeling psychologically deprived (to prevent binge cravings) by eating my favorite foods regularly. However, choosing to eat first the food I most enjoy usually ensures that I will feel physically satisfied, when I no longer feel hungry or even slightly full. In order to feel satisfied, I have to eat the most satisfying (for me) foods. That's a no brainer!!

(3) After taking higher dose probiotics for a while I treat c-diff, I can differentiate intestinal bloating from stomach fullness. However stopping at no longer hungry, rather than comfortably full, at dinners can only help me to sleep better, because we often eat within 3 hours of bedtime.

(4) The most important reason to stop at 'just enough' is to feel BETTER after eating, rather than worse. LOL For so many years, while I had food allergies, I grew accustomed to intestinal discomfort or even excruciating pain after eating, even though I no longer suffered discomfort from hunger. So eating and feeling better was a strange and new concept for me. Nevertheless, I'm now accustomed to feeling comfortable after meals, when I don't overeat. I DO deserve to feel comfortable after meals. Feeling comfortable frees me to think and do things unrelated to food or eating. Life is so much more than food or eating.

This is a great time to practice eating 'just enough' without fear of weight loss. For me the 'holidays' begin Monday with my husband's birthday, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by leftovers and holiday get-togethers, followed by Christmas and post holiday get-togethers. I've also learned that eating comfortable sized portions of those higher calorie density foods allows me to eat less volume, feel more satisfied (from fats) and then feel 'unhungry' much longer. What a great time to practice eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied!!

Habit Change: Acknowledgment

In order to change a habit, I need to nonjudgmentally acknowledging what I do. In order to acknowledge what I do, when I overeat, I need to define overeating. For me 'overeating' means continuing to eat past 'no longer hungry' or 'satisified'. However, 'satisfied' is elusive for me. Does that mean 'physically satisfied' or 'emotionally satisfied'? I often go for extra food because my 'mouth' (or my mind?) wants a taste of something sweet. Actually I can eat less when I stop at physically 'enough to no longer feel hungry' and then eat one or 2 bites of something sweet. Obviously I have difficulty with the notion of 'enough'.

Maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry AND I lose interest in the food I'm eating. Or maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry AND the food, which tasted WONDERFUL when I was hungry, just tastes 'so so'. Or maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry but begin to rationalize that I need to finish my vegies to get more fiber or finish my meat dish to get more protein or similar 'healthy eating' rationalizations. My confusion about 'enough' may influence my overeating.

Maybe I need to consider occasions when I do not overeat, when I feel stop eating at comfortably full. I seldom overeat at breakfast. I'm usually hungry before I eat that meal. So I decided to observe what I did at breakfast. Just deciding to observe myself made me more aware of my body sensations and my behaviors. I refrained from 'tastes' while I prepared my meal, which was a bowl of hot cereal with chopped pears and almond butter, one of my favorite meals. Although the tv was on while I ate, I paid attention to how each bite tasted, but mostly to how my stomach felt.

I noticed that I felt bored with eating toward the end of the bowl of cereal. I was glad when I took my last bite, because the cereal didn't taste as fantastic, I was bored and I was ready to move on to another activity. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed what I ate. I didn't scrape every last bit of cereal from my bowl, because I was motivated to stop when I felt satisfied, in order to observe how that happened. So I mindfully observed physical sensations and thoughts while eating.

I noticed at breakfast that eating mindfully by paying attention to physical sensations and thoughts and eating exactly what I wanted helped me stop at 'just enough'. So I decided to apply those ideas to lunch. I got home from running an errand late (after 2pm), but knew I had previously prepared tuna salad and a presliced apple in the fridge, plus a bit of apple Lara bar in the cupboard. I heated an English muffin and served the tuna salad atop the muffin. I knew I really would enjoy the muffin/tuna salad combo, but I also wanted a few bites of apple. So I started with 2 slices of apple, but wanted to save most of my 'hunger' for that tuna salad topped muffin. I observed how my stomach felt as I ate and REALLY enjoyed the tuna muffin. After I finished that, I no longer felt hungry, but still wanted another bite of apple. That's when I often start to overeat. However, I just ate another slice of apple and stopped when I felt slightly full. (I no longer wanted to eat any Lara bar.)

Getting up from the table without feeling obviously full seemed really strange. I must overeat so often that 'comfortable' seems weird. Nevertheless, I was committed to observe what I thought and felt after stopping at comfortably full at lunch. My motivation was not preventing weight gain or even preventing discomfort. I was just curious and wanted to see how stopping at comfortable full felt at that time of day. Although I thought I might get too hungry before the next meal (a fear which can influence my overeating), I enjoyed that comfortable, light feeling of 'just enough' in my stomach. I could easily bend over to pick threads from the rug without refluxing immediately after lunch. I wonder how often I cause reflux simply by overeating.

Stopping at 'just enough' seemed too simple. Why don't I do that more often? However, mindful eating (paying attention to stomach sensations) and eating first what I most enjoyed required conscious decisions. I also resisted 'tastes' while I prepared lunch, because I wanted to save my hunger for the most enjoyable part of my meal (the tuna topped muffin), rather than just poke food into my mouth to stop the hunger ASAP. Above all, nonjudgmental curiosity, rather than fear of weight gain or discomfort, motivated me to stop at 'just enough'.

I initially intended to discuss in this post what influences my overeating at meals. However, considering what works to help me stop at just enough seems more effective that focussing on what doesn't work. So at future meals, I'll try to: (1) decide what I really want to eat, (2) save my hunger for that food, (3) mostly eat that food, with only a few supplemental bites of lesser favorites, (4) pay attention to my stomach sensations and (5) stop eating at the instant I sense any fullness or stomach distention. Above all, I will let my stomach sensations tell me when to stop eating, rather than listen to fears or rationalizations about why I should continue eating.

Habit Change: Motivation

During an IM conversation a friend said she continued to overeat because she was 'addicted' to food. I prefer to view my overeating as a series of well-practiced habits, rather than 'addiction'. I practiced overeating for many years, especially while I binged and purged. So I have well-practiced overeating habit patterns in my brain. When I don't consciously try to stop eating at 'just enough' or 'comfortably full' or even 'satisfied', I can easily slip into old habits of eating until my plate is empty, getting up from the table to get a bite (or even more) of something sweets to satisfy my mouth cravings or even eat bites of leftovers while I put food in refrigerator containers. Obviously I don't just have one kind of overeating habit.

I also need to consider my motivation to replace overeating with eating just enough. I was VERY motivated to eliminate bingeing and purging, but only recently became motivated enough to do whatever was necessary to change those habits. After many years of regularly bingeing and purging, I slowly decreased my binge/purge episodes. Learning and practicing intuitive (hunger/fullness) eating helped me decrease those episodes by 50% (I went from over 40 episodes a year to under 20 a year when I learned to obey my stomach cues.) After a few years of averaging once a month, I committed to totally eliminate binge/purge episodes. I tried committing not to purge no matter what. However, I have a long history of reflux, nausea and vomitting from illness. I realized there are occasions when I get so sick (especially in the middle of the night) that I uncontrollably vomit and continue dry heaving for hours afterward. So I decided that I needed to commit to not binge, which can make me reflux and easily throw up.

I recognized that I DECIDED to go from overeating to bingeing when I told myself "Oh what the heck, I'm overeating anyway, I feel uncomfortably full, I might just as well eat whatever and as much as I want, get sick and throw up." So in order to prevent binges, I needed to commit to commit to STOP eating when I felt discomfort, rather than continue eating past the point of discomfort. After enduring several episodes of feeling uncomfortably full, I learned to stop sooner and sooner.

I also learned to eat foods I really enjoyed, so that I wouldn't feel so 'deprived' that I wanted to eat all the foods I missed all at once in a binge. So I did 'antideprivation' eating, which made me eat the foods I craved when I craved them. I didn't make perfect progress toward eliminating bingeing. After 5 months of abstinence, I binged once this year in January and 2x during March. However, those 3 episodes just motivated me to work even harder to examine how I decided to binge and change those thought and behavioral patterns. I also tracked on my calendar the days that I did NOT binge. The days turned into week, and then weeks turned into months. Now I have not binged (or purged) for 8 months. I believe with the same kind of motivation and conscious examination of my thought and behavior patterns I can eliminate overeating.

However, I have NOT always been motivated to change my overeating habits. I rationalize that I'm not overweight. I can overeat at one meal and then eat less at other meals that day and not gain weight. Although I know that continual overeating (and eating before I feel hungry) can cause weight gain, I can easily rationalize that I don't need to stop eating when I no longer feel hungry, because I don't need to lose weight.

Nevertheless, overeating causes reflux and that uncomfortable 'stuffed' feeling. When I take probiotics (usually with dinner), I get that 'stuffed' feeling more easily, because my intestines become bloated as they adjust to additional 'good bacteria'. I can feel uncomfortably full more quickly when I take probiotics. So I use that 'uncomfortable' feeling as my 'stop eating' signal. Unfortunately, I sometimes continue eating until I feel uncomfortably full at meals, when I don't take probiotics.

So my greatest motivation to stop eating at 'just enough' is comfort. I previously described that motivation in my 'comfort diet' post. However, I wonder whether that motivation is enough, because I continue to eat past comfort sometimes. So I may need to look at the specific situations where I overeat and the different kind of overeating habits I practice. Maybe I use different rationalizations for different situations or different overeating habits. I will discuss that in a futuret post.

How Much Is Enough?

I haven't posted for almost 2 weeks. Several situations influenced me to ask myself "how much is enough". First, my treatment program for recurrent c-diff ... I just took the last 'every other day' dose and wonder how to proceed with an every third day pulse dose phase. Secondly I overate to the point of discomfort at lunch for the past 2 days. So I wonder how I decide 'enough' when I eat. I wonder whether I'm looking for emotional resolution, rather than merely physical satisfaction, when I eat. Finally, I hesitated to post on this blog, because not much has changed during the past 10 days. I'm still treating for c-diff, I'm still overeating to the point of discomfort once every few days or so. I'm still wondering how much time I want to spend online. So I'll elaborate on those 3 areas ...

When I first began this round of treatment for recurrent c-diff, I had not decided how long to continue 'pulse dosing'. Previously I stopped after 8 days of every other day. Then I took high dose probiotics for 7 days before we went to Maui. Unfortunately that treatment failed to eliminate c-diff. So I altered the treatment slightly this time. I took vancomycin 4x a day for 17 days, rather than 14 days. Then I started the tapered doses (2x a day, then once a day), followed by pulse (once every other day) doses. As previously, I took one daily probiotic capsule (8-12 billion viable good bacteria). However I continued to have diarrhea while doing the tapered dose phase. So I decided to take 2 daily probiotic capsules (to increase the 'good bacteria' to 16-24 billion) daily. That resolved the diarrhea almost immediately. I haven't had any diarrhea for almost 2 weeks.

However recently (for the past 2 nights) I've woken up with severe cramping pain in my intestines. The first time began with right sided pain which moved to left sided pain, then back right and left again, as though some allergen were moving through my gut. Since I had purchased and eaten some supposedly safe (allergen free) deli salads just before experiencing that pain, I suspected allergens. Then the pain seemed to disappear during the day. However, I experienced the same cramping but moving pain last night after having no discomfort during the day. Perhaps that pain is related to taking probiotics at night, because my usual allergy cramps continue during the day often for several days or weeks.

Today was my last every other day vanco. So I planned to skip 2 days before taking another vanco. However that nighttime pain plus the nausea I experienced this morning makes me wonder if I have some c-diff symptoms. I've also read that some pulse dose programs recommend a higher dose every 3 days. So rather than my usual 125 mg, I could take 250 mg. I'm also considering taking another vanco today (12 hours after my other vanco) to increase today's total dosage. I just don't know what those cramping and nausea symptoms mean. I sure hope this is not recurrent c-diff. However, if I do have c-diff symptoms, I certainly have enough vanco to increase the dosage on an every 3rd day pulse dose regimen. I'm going to pray about this decision.

As mentioned I overate to the point of discomfort for the last 2 days. Actually each situation was different. Yesterday I enjoyed a peanut butter with mango wrap and most of a small apple for lunch. However, I planned to walk to the mall (in the rain) after lunch. I suspect I nibbled on peanut butter out of the container, because I was anxious about getting wet and cold (after fighting a cold for the past few days). So I consider that extra tablespoon of peanut butter 'emotional eating'. I was eating to distract myself from anxiety about getting cold and wet.

Today I overate what I really wanted to eat after eating some grapes to 'stave off hunger' so that I could prune flowers before lunch, even though I was already hungry for lunch. Today was the first partly sunny (not rainy) day we've had for awhile. I wanted to prune overgrown hydrangeas for the past week. So I delayed lunch by snacking on grapes and went out to prune those flowers. However, I planned to have a tomato, lettuce and deli turkey sandwich for lunch (with a few more grapes). By the time I finished the sandwich and more grapes I was STUFFED, but I still wanted something sweet for desert. So I had one bite of an apple 'Lara Bar' (apples, dates, walnuts, almonds, raisins, cinnamon). I didn't want more after that, but I felt painfully full ... AGAIN. I wondered why I didn't stop at 'comfortably full'. I realized I planned to eat that sandwich, but spent my appetite on grapes. So I still wanted what I planned. The solution for that situation would be to just eat, when I initially felt hungry, what I planned to eat, rather than 'stave off' hunger with something I eat everyday (grapes), but doesn't appeal as much as the planned sandwich.

Still I wonder why I have such an emotional investment in 'lunch'. I usually eat 'just enough' at breakfast and dinner. Lunchtime (which can be anytime from 1:30-3pm) is when I most often overeat. I suspect I need to consider each overeating situation differently to resolve this problem, because I don't overeat for the same reasons each time. Maybe I feel most guilty about overeating at lunch, because I want to be hungry when my husband comes home so we can eat dinner together. When I overeat at lunch, he has to wait until I feel hungry enough again for dinner. I don't worry about weight gain, because that amount of overeating doesn't seem to effect my weight at all. Maybe I naturally compensate by eating less at the next few meals after overeating. However, I regret overeating at all, because I cause myself unnecessary discomfort.

Finally, blogging ... Should I post shorter comments more often? When I wait so long between posts, I tend to write longer posts. I know at least one person reads this blog. However, am I writing for myself or for 'silent' readers? Lately I've hesitated to write anything, because I STILL don't know whether I resolved the c-diff problem, I'm STILL eating past satisfaction an average of once every other day or so. The good news is I have abstained from bingeing (and purging) for almost 8 months now. Maybe the eating past full is the last disordered eating habit for me to eliminate. Time will tell with c-diff, overeating and this blog ...

Comfort Diet

During the past 7 years I learned to eat 'intuitively' or 'normally' (according to which book I read). However, I disliked obeying so many 'rules' for normal eating or 'guidelines' for intuitive eating. I actually liked the simplicity of obeying my body cues for hunger and satisfaction (or fullness). I preferred eating foods that felt good in my body, especially after learning I had celiac disease and food alleriges which caused extreme discomfort after eating certain foods. Nevertheless, I resisted obeying rules like 'focus on the food while eating', 'eat sitting down', 'eat in a calm environment', etc. Some of those 'rules' came from ThinWithin 'guidelines for conscious eating'. Other suggestions came from 'normal eating' gurus like Karen Koenig and Geneen Roth.

Rather than memorize and obey a checklist of eating behavior rules, I preferred a simpler, more physical approach. Above all I wanted to eat only when hungry, foods that felt good in my body and stop eating when I felt satisfied to resist feeling uncomfortably full. I didn't believe I needed to follow a list of rules about specifically where I ate and what I did while I ate in order to honor my body cues of hunger (or not) and physical comfort.

Evemtually I decided that I only needed to consider physical comfort. I followed a 'comfort diet'. I preferred to eat when I was moderately (or comfortably) hungry to avoid discomfort of extreme hunger and avoid discomfort of indigestion when I ate before I was hungry. I preferred to eat foods that didn't cause allergic reactions or other painful symptoms (reflux, cramping intestinal pain, etc.) in order to avoid gut discomfort. I preferred to stop when I felt satisfied or comfortable to avoid the discomfort from being overly full. When I did occasionally eat past 'comfortable', I interpretted that 'overly full' feeling to mean 'stop eating this instant' or 'not another bit', because more food would just make me feel worse, not better.

Obviously, my 'comfort eating' approach revolves around PHYSICAL comfort (or discomfort) sensations, rather than emotional comfort (or discomfort). I know that no amount of eating or not eating can resolve emotional issues. Actually I prefer to not eat when I'm emotionally upset. However, I also won't let myself get too uncomfortably hungry, when I'm coping with negative feelings.

I recently realized that my 'comfort diet' perspective can help me avoid weight and/or body image related eating behavior. When I returned home from my vacation, I weighed exactly the same 'ideal' amount as when I left. However, I decided to weigh again after a week and noticed that I lost 2 more pounds. Maybe that weight loss came from dehydration from vancomycin related diarrhea or from eating less roughage. Whatever the source of weight loss, I panicked (I don't need to lose weight) and overate for the next few days. I ate more high protein, healthy fat foods, like sardines, which are a great source of vitamin D, but I still overate to the point of physical discomfort.

Then I realized that I cared more about physical comfort than I cared about the number on the scale. I haven't weighed to see whether I gained back those 2 pounds, but I won't let myself overeat again to the point of discomfort. Overeating just doesn't feel good. I've had enough digestive pain from food allergies, CD and bacterial infections (like c-diff). I certainly don't need to cause more digestive pain by overeating.

Maybe I should weigh again to reassure myself that I regained those 2 pounds. However, I will just trust that my body will return to whatever weight is healthy for me as I eat when I'm comfortably hungry, foods that feel comfortable in my body and stop eating when I'm comfortably satisfied. Why complicate that 'comfort approach' with external measurements (like weight)? My internal body sensations are more accurate and reliable than any number on the scale.

Time and Temperature Adjustment

I've been back in Seattle for the past 8 days. My first big adjustment was temperature. We left 86 degree Maui weather and experienced 46 degree Seattle weather on our first day back. I didn't begin to feel warm for another 48 hours, when Seattle temperature rose to mid and upper 50s (and I took a 20 minute hot shower). Today was a relatively warm (high in mid 60s) day, just before a string of rainy, windy and cold days. Fortunately I found time today to plant crocus bulbs which arrived while we were gone. I don't need to plant the 'hardy cyclamen' until later, because those are actually summer blooming bulbs. Slowly I adjusted to Seattle weather as I found and wore my favorite winter jeans, sweaters and coats.

The other big adjustment was time. Maui time is 3 hours later than Seattle (PDT) time, before we set clocks back on Halloween. When we first got back I went to bed late and woke up late, because my body was still on 'Maui time'. Returning to Pacific Standard time helped me adjust more quickly. Then I got a cold, which made me feel tired enough to go to bed right after dinner. That really helped me reset my internal clock.

Fortunately drinking lots of ginger tea, taking vitamin C and extra zinc helped minimize the symptoms and extent of that cold. However, I took advantage of my cravings for spicy, tomato based foods. So we had spaghetti when I first got the cold. Even though I was feeling much better today, I made 'Bengal Lentil' rice casserole for dinner. I wanted to prepare a dish with a microwavable pouch of very spicy 'Bengal Lentils'. After reading the very spicy ingredients, I decided to add some recently harvested garden vegies (leeks, carrots, tomatoes) as well as chopped red peppers and celery, a microwavable pouch of brown rice and a can of chicken (more protein for my nonvegan husband) to spread the spices farther over additional ingredients. I also served that with bland cooked sliced zucchini to tone down the spiciness. I LOVED that dish and my husband 'liked' it. He doesn't like tomato based spicy foods as much as I do. In retrospect I should have omitted the garam masala I added to the casserole. The 'Bengal Lentil' pouch was spicy enough. LOL

I've been soooo busy during the past week, that I haven't updated this blog until tonight. Since we returned from Maui over a week ago, I

unpacked and put away clothes, jewelry and makeup;

shopped for groceries (so we had more than frozen spaghetti with sauce for dinners);

sorted, prepped and did the laundry;

harvested the rest of the carrots, green beans and zucchini, most of the tomatoes and thinned the leeks;

transferred my winter clothes and sweaters into my 'active' closet and stored lightweight/summer clothes in my 'inactive' (office closet);

pruned dead flowers;

went to the mall to pay bills which arrived while we were in Maui (I try to shop at stores which don't require me to mail payments);

cleaned bathrooms;

handwashed lingerie and kitchen sheers (valances);

did my daily yoga/aerobic/weight lifting and daily 60-90 minute walks;

voted by mail in local election;

answered emails;

finished one week of 2x daily vancomycin and began once a day vanco tapered dose treatment.

So I'm still taking vanco to treat c-diff 6 months after diagnosis. I sure hope I can eliminate that bacteria with tapered and pulse dosing this time. I'm actually doing very well symptom wise. A few days ago I started having constant diarrhea (over 5 times a day) and wondered whether I was really eliminating c-diff. However, I also realized that my probiotic (good bacteria) levels (which control gut motility) are very low. Now that I'm only taking one vanco daily, I decided to increase the amount of probiotics I take, because the lower antibiotic (vanco) level won't kill off all the good bacteria from the probiotic. So last night I took 2 probiotics with dinner. The diarrhea completely disappeared by morning. Normal stools today. YAYYYY!!! So I took 2 more probiotics with dinner tonight. Maybe I'll also stop bruising so easily. With only one daily vanco I can time that dose to give the probiotics enough time to work before I take more antibiotic and kill good bacteria.

Even though I have time and enough vanco to stretch out the tapering and pulse dosing treatment for a month, I still have nagging fears that c-diff will recur. Not that I have any obvious symptoms, but 4 recurrences shook my confidence in vanco treatment. So I reguested prayer (and annointment with oil) during a healing service at my church on Sunday night. I believe God can heal me (as well as guide me toward healing). However, I also believe that there is a lesson in every experience. I'm uncertain what lesson God intends to teach me with this c-eiff infection. Nevertheless, I'm much more sympathetic toward thin women with bloated tummies. I want to tell them to get allergy tests, celiac tests or stool tests for bacteria, fungus or parasites. They don't have to 'live with' IBS symptoms.