Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Feeling Appreciated vs. Feeling Effective

My current ambivalence about moderating or posting on intuitive or normal eating boards reminds me of many previous volunteer leadership experiences. I start every position enthusiastically with the belief "I can do this". However I soon realized my intentions for the group don't quite match the intentions of others in the group. For example, I started a ThinWithin group at my church in order to teach people, who struggled with overweight, TW's approach to 'normal' or nondiet eating. So they could not only lose weight, but lose their obsession with food, eating and their bodies. I soon learned that many group members did not want to change their beliefs or eating habits. They just wanted sympathy for their struggles with weight and dieting. They wanted to vent about, rather than find solutions for, their problems.

Habit change gurus would say they are in the 'contemplation' mode of change, because they know they are unhappy, but they are ambivalent about changing their habits. Nevertheless those group members thanked me for starting and leading the group. I felt appreciated, but not effective. I wasn't doing what I intended to accomplish. I didn't think my efforts made any difference in the lives of the group members.

Now I realize that I can only coax people to view their problems differently. I can't force them to change before they are ready. So why would I choose to lead nondiet groups for people who struggle with weight loss diets? Why would I choose to moderate websites for people who struggle with overeating and overweight? How could I ever feel 'effective' about changing people who are ambivalent about change? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results, then I must be insane to believe I can ever convince people that they can learn to eat 'normally' from hunger/fullness cues, lose weight and maintain their ideal weight like I did.

As I typed that first paragraph, I realized I feel ambivalent about encouraging people who are ambivalent. LOL If they don't know whether they want to change their habits, I don't know whether I want to respond to their posts, encourage them or help them find what works for them to solve their problems. In 'Brief Therapy for Eating Disorders' Barbara McFarland suggests that asking people who feel ambivalent about change to visualize their 'miracle day' to help them realize change is not only possible but within their grasp. However those fanatasies don't convince some people that they could resolve their eating problems.

When I created my FTGF board I stipulated in the board description that members actively seek solutions for their problems. I didn't stipulate that they use intuitive eating or a nondiet approach. Several members really wanted support to follow their restrictive diets, which influenced them to binge occasionally, rather than give up dieting altogether. Eventually I found myself trying to dissuade them from following restrictive diets, which they believed were the only way they could lose weight. I now realize that their goals for themselves were different from my goals for them. Although I initially tried to support their goals, I slipped into telling them what worked best for me, which caused my current frustration.

Maybe my ambivalence is really about wanting to encourage them to work toward nondiet, intuitive eating goals, rather than supporting their efforts to reach their own goals. However, one member's initial stated problem (fantasizing about food) actually was the way she obeyed her very restrictive diet most of the time. Also most board members thanked me for telling them what worked for me (which was intuitive or hunger/fullness eating) even though they were counting calories and restricting certain foods in order to lose weight.

Perhaps my ambivalence stems from a general confusion about everyone's goals. Do they just want to lose weight as quickly as possible and then worry about learning how to eat intuitively after they lose the weight? Or do they want to learn to eat intuitively while they slowly lose the weight? Do they value intuitive eating more or less than weight loss? Some prefer IE and some prefer rapid weight loss with restrictive diets (despite slips).

I think I need to post some questions about: Where are you now (after 2 months of participating on this board)? What was the initial problem eating habit you wanted to change? Have you changed that habit? Have you changed the goal you originally said you wanted to reach? Have you decided to work on a different problem eating habit? Do you believe you can reach your goal or resolve that eating habit? Why or why not?

I realize that this post is full of 'maybes'. LOL So obviously I'm still undecided about what I want to do about my FTGF board. I'll start by asking those 'where are you now?' questions. However, I still hesitate to post on the IE board. One board is enough for me right now.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Letting Go to Move On

Ironically after my previous post about 'Time to Move On???', I read on Karen Koenig's 'Normal Eating' blog her latest post entitled "When to Let Go and Move On". She begins:

"The life skill of knowing when you’ve had enough and it’s time to let go and move on from situations—eating, relationships, jobs, groups and organizations, beliefs—is an essential one. In fact, the more you practice sensing when to let go and move on in non-eating situations, the more you’ll gain competence and confidence with eating just the right amount."

Those comments corroborate my decisions to leave jobs, relationships, retire from my own business, create and delete blogs, and even start, lead or moderate and resign from leading groups or delete message boards. Unfortunately I often wait so long to decide to leave that I feel unhappy, stuck but scared to leave, because I fear disappointing people to whom I freely gave my time for so long. I may no longer receive any benefits or receive less appreciation than complaints and criticism, but I stay in volunteer positions because I don't want to disappoint people, while the position continues to disappoint me.

Karen Koenig's post also said:

"For instance, how long do you stay in a relationship which is unloving or abusive before getting out? How long do you cling to the hope that a parent will love or approve of you when every shred of evidence throughout your life points to the fact that they won’t? How long do you remain in a group (political, religious, sports, therapy, hobby, message board, etc.) when your heart says you’ve outgrown it? How long should you stay in a job you hate? The sense that it’s time to move forward even may hold true with identities, as we shift from being disregulated to more “normal” eaters."

Although I have finally consider myself a 'normal eater', I have to answer Karen's 'How long do you stay ...' question: "TOO LONG." Nevertheless, I'm beginning to hear my heart saying 'enough already', when I consider posting on an 'Intuitive Eating' board, as well as moderating my Find Truth Get Free board. Furthermore, I want to limit my online time. So I have more time this summer for gardening, harvesting and storing produce from my garden, sewing and enjoying summer outings (like biking) with my husband.

I also relate to what Karen said about giving up something:

"My guess is that you generally think of giving up something—food, a person, a group, a geographical location—as a negative thing, something to be avoided ... Your goal should be neither to stay connected nor to disconnect, but to do what is right for you. Leaving food on your plate or not isn’t right or wrong. What matters is whether you are satisfied, ie, did you get the best so that you can now leave the rest ... When things are no longer as good as they were, sure, explore what might be wrong and try some strategies to right them. But when that doesn’t work, consider that the balance has shifted and it’s time for a change."

I wonder whether I should approach my FTGF board differently. I initially began with a brief therapy 'solution oriented' approach. However, the more I noticed that members' solutions for solving their eating problems actually perpetuated their problem habits, the more I wanted to challenge their beliefs about eating, food and their bodies. Especially after I realized that my belief about certain foods influenced my vicious cycle of bingeing on those foods, getting them out of the house, feeling more confident about not bingeing, purchasing some of my former binge foods, occasionally eating those in restricted amounts, feeling stressed enough to want to binge to distract myself from emotional pain, bingeing on my restricted foods, and restarting the whole cycle. I realized my beliefs about those food perpetuated my cycle.

After over 40 years of regular (average once a month) binge/purge episodes, I finally realize what I did to perpetuate those episodes, despite a strong desire to eliminate that habit. So I now try to help FTGF board members see the 'truth' about what perpetuates their habits. However, some members do not want to believe their beliefs perpetuate their habits. They prefer to believe the food makes them binge, rather than they decide to binge and blame the food. So I have become impatient and want to move on or at least minimize how much I post on boards where members talk about 'normal eating' but struggle with habit change.

So I'm encouraged by Karen's comments:

"Disconnection can be scary, but it is necessary and, in the long run, for your own good. Think of how proud you are when you leave half a sandwich on your plate because you’re full or satisfied. The relief you feel when you bow out of an organization because you’re no longer passionate about its mission or don’t care as much about its members ... How right it feels when you know that enough is enough!"

I still feel an obligation to continue moderating my board. However, I suspect that I need to minimize my frustration, but spending less time posting long comments to clarify my viewpoint. Perhaps I can simply ask a few probing questions (which frustate some members of my board but help others). So I need to seriously consider Karen's last paragraph of her post:

"Letting go and moving on is the natural order of life. We have to wave goodbye over here to say hello over there. When you begin to view life as a series of ongoing changes, this process becomes easier. Take a minute and think: where have you been hanging on too long?"

Did I hang on too long to helping others while I was really trying to help myself? Do I really feel connected to and appreciated by members of my board? Or do I feel frustrated and misunderstood as I try to explain my point of view and what helped me change my disordered eating habits? Why do I need to explain my 'recovery process' to anyone? Does telling 'my story' really help someone who doesn't believe they can do what I did? Am I hanging onto a dream of encouraging people who aren't ready to change? Is it time to let go and move on?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Time to Move On???

I always wondered whether people, who posted on message boards about eating habits, were still struggling with their own disordered habits or whether they had actually 'recovered', ate 'normally' and just wanted to help or encourage people who still struggled. While I moderated a previous board about disordered eating habits, led a 'Temples' group for people with eating issues and later a ThinWithin group at my church, and even when I created my current 'Find Truth Get Free' yahoo board, I still held beliefs which influenced my disordered eating habits of bingeing and purging. When I started FTGF board, I had not binged/purged for about 6 weeks, but I had begun to think differently about those habits. Nevertheless, I still hung onto a few beliefs about food and eating that had previously set me up for inevitable binge/purge episodes.

More recently while I experienced side effects (chronic nausea, lack of appetite, strong metallic taste) from flagyl treatment for c-diff, I realized that I still feared the consequences of eating some non allergen foods. Perhaps because I had undiagnosed health problems (CD, food allergies and most recently bacterial dysbiosis) for so long, I wanted to eat the healthiest foods possible. However, I also learned from food allergy diagnoses that what the food industry and 'healthy eating' gurus considered 'healthy' wasn't always healthy for me (like dairy, eggs, whole wheat and soy). Nevertheless, my longterm struggle with constipation made me believe I should eat more fiber to resolve constipation. Even though I ate LOTS of high fiber foods at every meal and drank lots of liquids, I still suffered constipation for years. Abstaining from food allergies helped somewhat but didn't completely resolve that problem.

Every time I treated a bad gut bug and then took high dose probiotics, I experienced regularity for awhile, before my 'normal' constipation returned. I suspected lack of gut motility, rather than lack of fiber, due to bacterial dysbiosis from bad bacteria, parasites or fungus, cause my constipation problem. My suspicion proved true, after I treated for c-diff with a very strong antibacterial (flagyl), took probiotics during treatment and really high dose probiotics after treatment. For the past 3 weeks I have eaten much less fiber, had absolutely no constipation, and maybe had diarrhea while taking flagyl. I feared that soft stool side effect would disappear like the other flagyl side effects (metallic taste, nausea, etc.). However 11 days later I'm still quite 'regular', cutting back on magnesium and eating much less high fiber foods. Maybe I'm still in my post treatment honeymoon phase. Nevertheless I believe my obsessively sanitary food preparation habits will prevent contracting more 'bad' food born bugs and subsequent constipation from impaired gut motility. Only time will tell ...

So my belief that low fiber or even high glycemic foods were 'bad' for my body was a myth based on advice that I should eat high fiber foods to correct constipation. That belief made me feel guilty when I ate sweets, treats and other foods which were low fiber but high glycemic. So I occasionally bought those foods, ate them initially, but still feared eating them on a regular basis. My fear made them 'forbidden' foods even though I kept them in my house. While I still believed that bingeing was a great way to cope with stress, I regularly (average once a month) binged on those forbidden foods, which I enjoyed, but felt guilty about eating. During my binge, I let myself eat those foods in unlimited quantities. That binge just reinforced my belief that those foods were 'bad' for me, because I overate them. I actually reinforced an all or nothing belief about those foods by either avoiding them or bingeing on them.

When I realized, after flagyl treatment, that my constipation problem was caused more by bacterial dysbiosis, instead of consumption of low fiber foods, I began to see all my non allergenic foods as 'just food'. I also freely ate any food which appealed to me, because nausea and the strong metallic taste from flagyl destroy my appetite and normal stomach hunger signals. I ate low fiber, high glycemic foods regularly, but did not experience constipation or uncontrollable urges to overeat those foods. That experience disproved my fears and fantasies about my 'binge' foods.

My experience with flagyl also changed my beliefs about purging. Rather than consider throwing up a harmless way to cope with discomfort from overeating, I considered throwing up a horrible experience to absolutely avoid. Changing my belief about purging (as a way to compensate for binges) also changed my beliefs about bingeing (as a great way to cope with feeling deprived, overwhelmed or even guilty). Without purging, bingeing would be very uncomfortable. So rather than use self-control to prevent acting on urges to binge and purge, I changed the beliefs that made those habits attractive, viable or reasonable in my mind. Changing those beliefs completely eliminated urges to binge or purge.

I still overeat occasionally, because I'm still learning how to stop eating when I feel comfortably full, but I don't choose to overeat just to distract myself from feelings. I don't fantasize about eating unlimited quantities of forbidden foods. When I occasionally crave a certain food, I consider when and how I want to eat that food, whether as a snack or part of a meal. I try to satisfy those cravings the next time I feel physically hungry.

For the first time in my life (or maybe since age 6 when my mom put me on a weight loss diet) I think like a 'normal eater'. I enjoy cooking food more, because I don't fear overeating while I prepare food. However, I also don't want to spend hours talking about food or posting about eating habits anymore. I would love to share my 'recovery story' to help other people learn how to eat normally. However, I understand how beliefs about food, eating or my body kept me stuck for years in a cycle of overeating, bingeing and purging. So I know how difficult it may be for others to change the beliefs that trigger their disordered eating habits.

I also know how I thought about food and eating in all or nothing terms . So other people may also an have all or nothing perspective about certain foods or habits. Those kind of beliefs may keep them in the 'contemplation' mode of habit change. They know they have a problem, but they just aren't ready to risk change, because their beliefs make them fear the consequences of changing eating habits.

After moderating 2 message boards about disordered eating and leading 2 different eating habit groups at my church, I'm tired of trying to convince people that they can change their beliefs, eating habits and body to become normal eaters, free of previous problem eating habits. I'm tired of telling people that I'm not just one of those 'lucky' thin people who could always eat anything and be thin. I'm tired of trying to help people who want to believe that the food, rather than their beliefs or eating habits, made them gain weight and have difficulty losing weight. I'll just tell people who comment on my weight that I have food allergies which restrict what I can eat. Maybe they relate more to restriction than moderation.

Maybe most people on message boards which discuss Intuitive Eating or any other 'normal eating' practices really want sympathy for their struggles with dieting, extra weight or disordered eating habits. Maybe they fear the consequences of changing the habits which make them overeat or maintain extra weight more than they want to change those habits or lose weight. I know most don't want my unsolicited advice to try what worked for me, even though they say reading my 'recovery story' inspires them.

Maybe by 'inspire' they mean they believe overcoming problem eating habits is possible for SOME people, but not for them. I feel sad when I recognize that certain beliefs or habits keep people stuck in counterproductive habits and irrational attitudes about food, eating and their bodies. However, I no longer have patience to gently, slowly help them find a more logical perspective and change their habits.

I will continue to moderate my Find Truth Get Free board, for the 2-3 active members. However, when those members no longer actively post, I will probably delete another message board. Amazingly I have kept this blog for longer than I kept previous blogs. So I may continue to tell my story for anyone who is interested. Nevertheless, I am less inclined to encourage people to try what worked for me, until or unless they ask.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Somehow I Became a Normal Eater

Throughout my experience with extreme nausea while taking flagyl, I only threw up once in the middle of the first night about 7 hours after taking my first flagyl dose. Although I tried to distract myself, I could no longer control the physical urge to throw up. Fortunately I wasn't so ill that I continued to throw up or dry heave the rest of the night, as I often do when I'm ill.

After getting sick that first night with flagyl, I did everything I could to prevent getting so nauseas that I threw up again. The metallic taste and nausea caused by flagyl were strongest when my stomach was almost empty and I needed to eat. So I wanted to keep whatever I ate in my stomach. Also throwing up might make me lose the flagyl pills as well as endure even strong metallic taste for hours afterwards. So I drank ginger tea, put fresh ginger into my food, drank lots of room temperature water, and exercised in fresh air every day to reduce the nausea. All that got me through the next 29 doses without throwing up.

Coping with constant nausea and doing everything I could to prevent throwing up completely changed my beliefs about throwing up. My experience with flagyl plus changing my beliefs about food and eating over the past 3 months transformed me from being someone who previously chose to throw up when I felt uncomfortably full, nauseas or suffering cramping gut pains to someone who abhored vomitting and wanted to avoid it no matter what. Also I went from being someone who previously gave myself permission to overeat or even binge, because I knew I could threw up if I felt uncomfortably full, to someone who obsessively avoided overeating or getting too full, because I hated feeling overly full and I hated throwing up. My husband tells me that's how normal people think about throwing up. I also suspect improving my digestion by taking betaine hydrochloride capsules before every meal (which increased my stomach acid) also made me less apt to want to throw up.

Going from using vomiting to cope with discomfort to abhoring the thought of and avoiding vomiting no matter what is a major transformation for me. I previously counted days, weeks and months of 'abstinence' from bingeing and purging, because I hoped that time would change my perspective (or belief that I could binge because I could purge). Nevertheless, I regularly interrupted my abstinence periods with a binge/purge episode or 2.

However, I also still had good/bad food beliefs, which made bingeing attractive as a way to let myself occasionally eat with abandon all the foods I rarely ate without feeling guilty. I didn't worry about calories or fat grams, because I knew I could eat small amounts of anything and not affect my weight. However, my guilt was regret that I wasted my appetite on less than healthy foods (too high glycemic, too low fiber, not nutritious, etc.). My healthy food beliefs (such as 'always eat high fiber foods to prevent irregularity' or 'choose healthy fruits, vegies and meats instead of sweets or treats') kept me craving but fearing the foods I considered 'unhealthy'.

Before my experience with flagyl, I still doubted whether I could continue to 'abstain' from bingeing and purging. After all, I've only abstained 3 months since my last episode. (However I had many 3-6 months long abstinence periods before that.) Most people in 'recovery' only consider a year or more abstinence significant. However now I'm no longer hanging onto abstinence by my fingernails. I don't worry everytime I feel stressed that I might give into urges to binge (and purge).

Previously I chose to binged everytime I felt overwhelmed with physical, psychological and mental stress. Yet, while I did the flagyl treatment I also felt scared, angry and occasionally hopeless as well as very physically ill and overweight, but did not think about bingeing. (I gained a few extra pounds before I started the flagyl treatment, perhaps because I felt too tired while I had undiagnosed c-diff to be as active as usual or maybe because I did some comfort eating.) All those factors, painful emotions, horrible side effects and regret about weight gain could have motivated me to binge on 'forbidden' foods to comfort myself emotionally and then throw up to comfort myself physically.

However, I decided that I would not even think about weight during the flagyl treatment, because I had a potentially fatal bacteria (c-diff). Getting well was more important than a number on the scale. Also I only judged foods by whether they made me less nauseas. I didn't consider calories, fat grams, fiber or glycemic index. I only considered what felt good in my body, made me less nauseas and masked the metallic taste of flagyl. I had NO hunger signals to tell me when to eat. I only had nausea (after I ate) or extreme nausea (when I needed to eat again). Low blood sugar symptoms (headache, coldness and shakiness) also told me when to eat. Sometimes I ate just to cope with nausea, even though I didn't think I needed food. However, I could not overeat without suffering painful reflux and discomfort for hours afterwards. So I soon learned not to eat past just enough.

Now my hunger cues have returned, but I still don't like feeling full after eating. I prefer satisfied or just enough to full now. Amazingly I feel less inclined to eat, even when I notice hunger, because I don't HAVE to eat to treat nausea. I can choose to eat when I'm moderately hungry and will enjoy the taste of the food. Also I ate ice cream after 1-2 meals a day to mask the flagyl metallic taste after taking the pills. Now I have no cravings for ice cream. Instead I crave acidic foods I didn't like to eat while taking flagyl (like strawberries and tomatoes).

Ironically the extra pounds I gained before the flagyl treatment mysteriously disappeared, even while I ate ice cream and sweets to cope with nausea and the metallic taste. Best of all my clothes fit better (no matter what I weigh), because the flagyl killed the bacteria that caused chronic bloating. I still get bloating after taking probiotics at night, but that bloating disappears by morning.

Will I stop counting weeks and months since my last binge/purge episode? Probably not. Even though I changed my perspective and removed all the 'reasons' I used bingeing and purging to 'cope' with stress, I plan to celebrate each day as a normal eater. I want to enjoy each day I spend free from irrational food, eating and body beliefs. Tracking those days on the calendar just reminds me how far I've come and to never take 'normal eating' for granted.

High Dose Probiotics

I'm beginning to wonder whether I should have titled this blog "It's Always Something", after I've gone from food allergies to bacteria to fungus to parasites and all the uncomfortable treatments for those gut bugs. I finished the awful flagyl treatment for c-diff (clostridium difficile) a week ago. However the side effects of nausea and strong metallic taste persisted for several more days. I can still taste metal when my stomach is empty. However the nausea was almost gone ... until today.

Now that I'm taking high dose probiotics (127 billion good bacteria per dose) to replace all the good bacteria killed by flagyl, I have a new set of side effects. High dose probiotics typically cause bloating and gas immediately after taking those. I experienced that at night plus new symptoms during the day, cramping pain, fatigue, slight nausea and feeling uncomfortable, but not overly full, after meals. I haven't taken the high dose probiotics for awhile. So I forgot all the side effects.

I sure HOPE these side affects are from the probiotics, rather than symptoms of remaining c-diff bacteria. I've read that some people need more than one antibacterial treatment to completely kill off the c-diff. However, after that horrible experience with flagyl, I decided to finish my 7 day probiotic treatment and then assess my symptoms. If I really do have c-diff symptoms, I will still have cramping pain and nausea after a few days off the probiotics. Nevertheless, I won't take flagyl again. If I need more antibacterial treatment, I'll ask for vancomycin, which is more expensive but has less uncomfortable side effects.

I believe I have 3 more doses of probiotics (which I take before my evening meal). So I'll post again several days after I finish the probiotics.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Never Hungry, Always Nauseas

After taking Flagyl to treat Clostridium D. for one week (2 pills 3x daily with meals), I've changed how I approach meals. I almost never feel hungry. However, after 4-5 hours, when I usually feel hungry, I feel incredibly nauseas. At first I did NOT want to eat with that nausea. Then I learned that eating actually decreased the nausea. I also had to eat to protect my stomach from damage from flagyl. I saw meals as a catch 22. If I didn't eat, I'd feel so nauseas that I might throw up. If I did eat a meal, I had to take the flagyl after the meal and start the increasing nausea cycle all over. Nevertheless, I kept reminding myself that I wanted to get well, to be well when I'm in Maui this October, and to kill that potentially fatal bug (clostridium difficile) in my gut which caused all those flu like symptoms for 2 months before I started treating with flagyl.

Flagyl causes a horrible metallic taste. I tried taking those pills in the middle of one salad meal. Every bite of salad thereafter tasted like metal. So I take the pills after I eat a meal to prevent ruining the taste of the meal. The nausea and gut pain starts immediately after I take the pills. Those symptoms peak (get most intense) 1-1/2 to 2 hours afterwards. However the nausea never goes away. I initiallly drank a lot of ginger tea, which greatly decreases the nausea. I still noticed nausea, but don't worry that I'm going to throw up all the time. Then I got so sick of the metallic taste of ginger tea with stevia (and reflux possibly caused by ginger tea) that I stopped drinking it. However extreme fatigue and nausea today motivates me to try more ginger tea tonight. If I can't control this nausea, I don't know how I'll survive the next 2 days of flagyl. Going to bed doesn't help relieve nausea. I actually get worse as I reflux even more.

Here are some other 'fun' side effects within an hour after taking flagyl: A stabbing pain in my stomach for awhile; a slight headache, almost no hunger sensations so I only eat by the clock or when the nausea gets so bad that I have to eat something; cramping gut pains that feel like I might get diarrhea (fortunately I prevented actual diarrhea by taking a daily probiotic), refluxing that horrible metallic taste PLUS stomach acid. Maybe that was from drinking so much ginger tea to decrease nausea. Did I mention the nausea?? LOL

Despite all those awful side effects I've managed to eat 3 meals daily (in order to take the flagyl with meals) plus my morning glass of apple juice. I don't take the flagyl with juice, but the juice stops the nausea, gets rid of the horrible taste from either the flagyl or last night's poorly digested dinner and raises my blood sugar enough to wash my face and get dressed, rather than sit in front of this computer all morning.

During the past week while experiencing all those side effects, my food cravings dramatically changed. I actually craved fatty ground meat. So we had ground lamb patties one night. Then I craved FRENCH FRIES! I NEVER crave white potatoes, but do enjoy sweet potatoes. Last night I prepared for dinner, basa (fish) poached on a bed of sweet onions with garden fresh dill, oven fries (less oil and less chance of grease burning the cook), and coleslaw with pineapple. If I could find an allergy free fish stick product, I might have eaten that. (Unfortunately, Ian's fish sticks added cane sugar to their ingredients, which precludes me eating those now.) Tonight we're eating leftovers from our fish dinner. Right now I'm craving french fries so strongly I can taste and feel them in my stomach. Of course my meat and potatoes husband LOVES my new cravings. I don't know whether these cravings will continue after I finish the flagyl (6 more doses to go). However, I'm fantasizing about going to Outback for a steak and baked potato dinner in the very near future. As soon as I tell my husband, I know he will say, "Let's go tonight!" LOL

I really miss hunger cues. Before flagyl I relied on those to tell me when to eat (when I felt hungry) and how much to eat (enough to take away the hunger). Now I can only rely on intense nausea and a little full feeling in my stomach. I regret eating past full, because that causes burning reflux with the metallic taste and even more extreme nausea and discomfort. Before flagyl I often feared getting hungry (because I thought that meant low blood sugar). Now I look forward to feeling normal hunger again. It's difficult for me to eat only when I'm hungry and stop eating when I no longer feel hungry if all I feel is nausea.

However, I've noticed the nausea cue seems to work the same way hunger used to work. When I eat, the nausea goes away. The absence of nausea plus body comfort tells me I've eaten enough. However I always have one more bite of something (especially something sweet like ice cream) after I take the flagyl to mask that horrible taste. Fortunately I can stop after one spoonful of ice cream, because more will make me feel uncomfortable. I savor those times before flagyl hits peak intensity in my blood (and makes me nauseas) and when flagyl intensity decreases enough to let me feel normal before I have to eat another meal, because of nausea, and take another @#$%^& flagyl dose.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Metronidazole Side Effects

Late Monday afternoon my naturopath finally called into my local HMO pharmacy a prescription for metronidazole (flagyl) to kill the clostridium difficile critters. So I started taking 2 tablets 3 times a day for the next 10 days. Common side effects are similar to symptoms of clostridium d; (nausea, stomach pain, headache, vomitting, plus a few more which I haven't yet experienced). Well actually I haven't yet vomitted. However, I'm here typing this comment at 2 am because I feel so nauseas that I thought sitting up would prevent me from vomitting right now. I don't know how long I can fight off this nausea, before I start throwing up, which usually turns into hours of dry heaves.

Usually the side effects peak 1-2 hours after taking flagyl and then subside. However, tonight another common side effect, stuffy nose made breathing so difficult that I woke up after 2-1/2 hours of sleep. Then I realized I was so nauseated that I might vomit if I didn't get up. Now I seriously doubt that I'll go back to bed without throwing up.

I've read studies that suggest taking milk thistle can reduce the possibility of liver damage from flagyl (another nasty side effect). So I emailed my naturopath to ask whether I should take milk thistle while I took flagyl. (Unfortunately, milk thistle also causes side effects of nausea and stomach upset.) My doctor replied: "Milk thistle is a nice herb which also protects liver. You don't need it, but it won't hurt to take it." That reply was not helpful, especially the "you don't need it but ..." part. Of course this is the same naturopath who asked me whether stress might cause my symptoms and recommended I get talk therapy, accupuncture or massage for my symptoms, which were later diagnosed as Clostridium difficile, a pathogenic (occasionally fatal) bacteria. I lost confidence in my doctor.

I also worry that flagyl will cause even more severe side effects, like constipation or, even worse, liver damage. If my nausea is this bad after only 4 doses, will my side effects increase in severity during the next 26 doses? I also wonder whether milk thistle will just cause more nausea, gut pain and vomiting, even if it protects my liver from flagyl damage?

OOPS!! I couldn't resist the nausea any longer. I guess my body knows better than I how to relieve the nausea. At least that didn't turn into dry heaves. Maybe I can finally go back to sleep now.

Friday, June 5, 2009

DNA Microbial Test Results

Yesterday I received the results of my last DNA Microbial (stool) Test. I requested by phone that my doctor's office email the results to me, because I knew my doc would be out of the office at a GIG conference until Monday. The results explained why I suffered flu-like symptoms for the past month or so. I have a high amount of a pathogenic bacteria (Clostrium difficile) and another parasite described as 'taxonomy unavailable'. The results say "A taxonomy unavilable finding indicates an ingested protazoan and not a human parasite. It does not indicate treatment unless patient symptoms and other inflammatory markers are consistent with parasitic infection." We'll see how my doctor interprets that.

When I emailed my doctor almost 2 months ago about my symptoms, he said he had run out of ideas (about causes?) and suggested I see either an eating disorder specialist, a massage therapist or an accupuncture therapist for 'stress'. Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with a bad parasite (cryptospordium) after my doctor previously recommended I visit a 'tummy temple' therapist for my gut pain which was actually caused by the parasitic infection. So I'm rather frustrated that my doctor discounted my symptoms AGAIN this year, rather than immediately recommending I take another DNA microbial test. Fortunately, after I insisted that I retake that test, he did agree to let me take the test. However, I waited a few weeks before I picked up that test, because my doctor's dismissal of my symptoms made me doubt myself. Nevertheless, as I felt worse even after taking daily probiotics for a few weeks, I decided that I needed to determine what was really happening in my intestines.

I'm glad I listened AGAIN to that inner voice (the Holy Spirit?) telling me that the DNA Microbial test could diagnose my problem. Nevertheless, I now anxiously await my doctor's response on Monday morning, while I cope with increasing nausea, cramping pain, and bloating. I feel like I will have diarrhea any minute now, but so far only softer stools than usual. Diarrhea is often a symptom of clostridium difficile.

Perhaps taking probiotics has prevented me from having worse symptoms from bacterial infection, because probiotics provide 'good' bacteria to fight off 'bad' bacteria like clostrium difficle. However, I suspect I will need a stronger antibacterial agent, hopefully an herbal supplement, to eliminate this bacteria. I've read about standard drugs for Clostriudium D, but I fear the side effects like loss of hearing, difficulty urinating and several very dangerous reactions. Patients with IBD or any inflammatory bowel conditions are cautioned against taking the standard antibacterial drugs. So I hope my naturopath has some herbal supplements I can take.

THE GOOD NEWS from my last DNA Microbial test is that I have NO measurable CANDIDA!!! YAAYYY!! Taking Nystatin for 5 months wiped out that fungus. It's nice to have some good news from a scarey report.

So I just need to endure these symptoms for a few more days. I will still take probiotics. I also may take a general purpose antibacterial herbal supplement, which my doc recommended for a previously suspected bacterial dysbiosis (imbalance) situation, which turned out to be really low good bacteria and higher than desirable bad bacteria. That herbal supplement has some nasty side affects, like nausea, bloating and cramping pain, but I already have those. LOL So I could take that supplement at night ... or not ... Right now I just have to wait and see.

Maybe the other good news is that I'm not rapidly losing weight, because I haven't felt nauseas enough to totally not to eat. (Anorexia is one symptom of clostridium d., probably because nausea makes people feel too sick to eat.) I wouldn't mind losing a few pounds. Nevertheless, drinking all that ginger tea for nausea keeps me feeling well enough to try eating. I've read that ginger also helps fight Clostridium D. Nevertheless, I just need prayer and distraction from discomfort for 2 days. If you read this post, please pray for me.