Yesterday morning I awoke from a disturbing dream. I remember that I wanted to throw up. I wanted to get away from other people to find a private bathroom. I didn't feel sick, but I was aware of too much food in my stomach. Maybe I felt guilty about what I eat. I sensed I had eaten cookies and felt full of doughy, sweet food. When I finally found an empty bathroom, I tried but could not throw up. Then I woke up.
My first reaction to the dream was to wonder why I even wanted to throw up when I felt no discomfort and was not refluxing from being overly full. After 8 months of successfully resisting bingeing and purging, I felt alarmed about even dreaming about wanting to purge. Over the past 8 months I have endured discomfort of overeating and resisted throwing up, no matter what.
Later I realized that dream had a positive message, because I had wanted to throw up but physically could not. That's dramatically different from my experience over the past 10 years. More often than not, I had not intended to throw up, but I felt painfully full after consuming moderate amounts of allergens and the food was already refluxing, when I decided to throw up. However, many years ago, I decided to throw up after feeling guilty about eating too many calories or too much high fat food. Usually I decided to continue overeating after I decided I would eventually throw up. Nevertheless, more recently food allergies and other intestinal problems caused discomfort and severe reflux before I considered throwing up.
Ironically I overate later that evening at my husband's 'birthday dinner'. Then I experienced severe reflux which showed me why I could so easily throw up after eating too many sweet foods. My husband requested liver and onions, french fries and green beans for his birthday dinner. I had already baked and frosted a carrot cake, which we planned eat for dessert after dinner. So I intended to eat only a small serving of the liver, fries and beans. However, the liver was SOOOOO tender and tasty, that I decided to eat the whole portion. I also recalled how good I always felt after eating liver, because I had borderline anemia for many years. So I felt obviously full after the meal BEFORE dessert.
Nevertheless I planned to eat a small amount of cake with ice cream with my husband. I served myself and ate about 3 bites of cake and 2 spoonfuls of ice cream. However, that small amount took me from obviously full to painfully full. I knew from experience that sipping ginger tea and just distracting myself from the discomfort would give my stomach time to digest the food, which would relieve my discomfort. However, while putting away the birthday candles, I bent over to reach a bottom draw. Bending over when I was overly full made me reflux my dessert. So I quickly stood up to prevent throwing up. I swallowed some tea to wash the food back down. Then I recalled reading that foods with high amounts of sugar and fats (like frosting) caused the lower esophageal valve to relax, just like caffeine or alcohol (which I avoid). I know I can eat small amounts of high sugar/fat containing foods and not reflux. However overeating foods that relax the lower esophageal valve almost guarantees reflux for me.
Then I understood why years ago I could easily throw up after drinking too much alcohol or overeating sweets or chocolate. I never forced myself to throw up. I just 'went with the flow' because the food was coming up anyway. That all makes sense now ... especially the panicky sensation I experienced after eating some sweet foods. I now know that I have a cane sugar allergy, which causes immediate rapid heart beat (tachycardia), which can seem like a panic attack. Even when I wanted to eat moderate amounts of sweet foods those tachycardia symptoms would make make think I was overly excited or frightened by the food.
I also felt out of control around foods which I restricted until the next binge eating episode. I believed I could avoid binges by abstaining from those 'binge' foods. However, I eventually learned that restriction actually influenced me to binge eat those foods, rather than eat them moderately. Although refluxing and rapid heart beat symptoms influenced me to throw up, fear, restriction and feeling deprived influenced me to binge.
That was then and this is now. Now my diagnosed allergies restrict me from eating certain ingredients (like wheat, dairy, eggs, cane sugar, soy, vanilla and nutmeg). However I can still eat all pastries (cake, cookies, pies, breads) which are prepared from allergen free ingredients. For example, I made a carrot cake with beet sugar, palm kernal shortening, cinnamon, flax meal (instead of eggs) and gluten free flours like rice, tapioca and bean flours. I can still eat sweets made from allergen free ingredients. So I don't feel deprived of favorite foods. I just prepare (or buy) any foods with safe ingredients.
I no longer fear I will 'lose control' and binge, because I know I DECIDED to binge and I DECIDED to throw up, when I could have resisted even when I felt painfully full and was refluxing. Above all, I can trust my body to stay in a healthy weight range when I usually eat only when hungry and stop eating when I'm moderately or comfortably full. After an overeating episode, I just don't want to eat as much, because I remember the discomfort and don't want to suffer that pain again.
After overeating birthday dinner and cake, I ate much smaller meals (and more snacks) so that I would not feel 'full' today. I enjoyed eating 'just enough', rather then reach full every time I ate. I initially thought I would not want any more birthday cake for several days, after the reflux incident. However after a small lunch I wanted to try another taste. So I sliced off a 1/4 inch sliver and enjoyed about 4 small bites without feeling overly full. I didn't want any dessert after dinner tonight. I plan to have a small salad and a larger piece of cake for lunch tomorrow. After that, I may return to fruit or ice cream for dessert. Besides, at the rate my husband is eating his cake, there won't be any left in few days. LOL
After 8 months of consciously training myself to eat foods I loved to prevent feeling deprived, stop eating when I felt full, rather than stuffed, resist throwing up no matter how sick I felt, I finally prefer feeling comfortably full or even just satisfied. I can confidently eat any foods I want and maintain my ideal weight. I can quickly recover from an occasional overeating episode and return to normal eating, without considering 'compensation' by purging or starving. Even with 7 diagnosed food allergy restrictions I eat more 'normally' now than I ever did before.
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2 comments:
Hi Sue,
I'm impressed with this post on your blog! By investigating your past discomforts and reasons for using destructive eating habits you learned the underlying issues. When I read about your dream I immediately thought about my own dreams and how I often had dreams about food when I used to binge and allow myself to purge. Even now as I don't binge or overeat anymore, I still have dreams similar to the one you described. Actually just recently I had a dream that I was eating my favorite chocolates (dried fruits covered in chocolate) and in the dream I felt uncomfortable because I had eaten too much and felt bloated.
Anyway, I want to comment on what you said...I took notes while reading this post:
- You had a dream where you experienced discomfort and tried to purge but your body would not do as you wanted it to act. This dream helped you realize that purging was actually easy for your body because you experienced reflux, and purging was almost like an immediate response. You're right, this dream was a sign that helped you learn this about yourself and understand that your body has difficulties keeping food down and it's not your fault because in the past you did not know you had food allergies.
- I think your reasons for drinking tea are very good: you drink tea when you feel your body is not keeping food down.
- You said you ate more than you planned, but you also did not deny yourself and I think that's good because as you yourself restricting only causes you to crave more food instead of eating in moderation.
- Also, I think the allergic reaction you experienced with eating sweets with cane sugar probably influenced your binges. When you felt "excited" or "frightened" you probably thought it was the emotions that lead to binging, while it was really the effect of your allergy.
I think it's great that you are aware of that allergy now. You know your body much better, you know yourself and you can take responsibility for your choices. I think it's impressive that you said it's a decision you make, I believe it truly is! When you know yourself you can make healthier decisions.
sorry I'm kind of all over the place, I though I would comment in an organized fashion but I guess I'm so excited with what you revealed in your post and I'm just saying everything like a disorganized rant.
Hi Olia: I agree. Your comments were 'all over the place' so much that I missed WHAT impressed you about my post. LOL
Also I need to clarify ... as I stated in my post ...
(1)In my dream I did NOT experience any discomfort while I wanted to purge. I only sensed a stomach full of cooky dough. So perhaps guilt about overeating or eating a specific food led me to want to purge. I really don't know, because I only remembered bits of the dream, but I had no discomfort.
(2) Not just any tea helps me cope with reflux. Only GINGER tea helps digestion. So I often drink that when I feel too full.
(3) I rarely dreamed about food during the past 7 years, since I began eating whatever I wanted. That's why my recent dream disturbed and perplexed me. True, I have food allergies, but those allergens are all ingredients in my favorite foods. So I can still moderately eat sweets and pastries, which I used to binge eat. Choosing allergy free sweets and pastries allows me to eat those without discomfort or guilt.
Finally, although I have food allergies, I can avoid the foods which cause reactions and discomfort. I'm still earning to avoid getting too full to avoid the discomfort of overfullness. However, no matter what causes me to reflux, I do NOT need to throw up. I learned that when I resisted throwing up while suffering extreme nausea during c-diff treatment. Of course, when I'm really sick, I can't control vomiting. However purging when I feel discomfort or reflux is a DECISION.
In order to stop bingeing, I had to train myself to not purge, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. As long as I knew I would let myself purge, I could easily binge. Once I committed not to purge no matter what, I had to endure discomfort after bingeing. I did not want to endure extreme discomfort. So my binges became mere overeating. Now I'm learning to overeat less and less often to avoid discomfort.
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