Mortality and Memories

After my cousin's husband received my Christmas card, he called to tell me that she died on November 6. He knew my cousin and I had been very close, but he couldn't find a phone number or email address for me at the time of her death. When her health was seriously deteriorating before she died, I was in Maui. So she died within a week after I returned. I wish I had known so that I could have attended the funeral.

I'm still in shock. My cousin was like a sister to me. She was 6 months younger than I am. Her mom was my mom's only sister and my closest aunt. That aunt encouraged and supported me more than anyone else in my younger years. When my mom would criticize me for being 'fat' (because I wasn't as thin as my older brother), my aunt would defend me. My aunt was the mother I wished I had. When I was in junior high every Sunday I walked 4 miles to attend Sunday school at a church which my cousin also attended. After Sunday School I went home with my cousin and spent the rest of the day at her house until my dad drove over to pick me up, because my mom didn't want me to 'bother' my aunt. My aunt NEVER considered me a 'bother'. My cousin treated me like her twin sister, although we didn't look exactly alike.

I talked to my cousin on the phone during early September, before I went to Maui in October. She had just come home from a long hospital stay where she struggled with congestive heart failure, contracted c-diff and began regular kidney dialysis. She had been overweight and had diabetes for years. So the heart and kidney problems were results of long term diabetes. When we talked on the phone, my cousin couldn't remember much of her recent hospital stay, because she was in and out of consciousness. However, she did remember getting treated for c-diff, tested and treated for a recurrence of c-diff. So we shared our c-diff experiences. Even though my cousin had just spent several months in the hospital literally fighting for her life, she eagerly listened to my c-diff experience. I wanted to know about her hospital experience and health challenges, but she wanted to hear about my health challenges. She had always been interested in me, no matter what struggles she endured.

I can hardly believe my cousin died, even though I mentally know the extent of her health problem from diabetes, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, etc. She had just turned 62 in late August. I've been 62 for almost a year and don't feel old. Most people tell me that I don't look my age. They guess that I'm 15-20 years younger than I am. Even though I read obits about women who die during their 40s, 50s and 60s, I just can't believe my cousin died of diabetic complications at age 62.

My father also died of diabetic complications in his 60s (age 65). In fact most people in his side of the family over the age of 40 developed type 2 diabetes and later died of diabetic complications. So I know I would be susceptibleto diabetes if I let myself become overweight. That spectre of diabetes partly influenced my decision to lose 40 pounds after I gained the 'freshman 25' and stay on the 'thin side' for the past 40+ years. However, I must admit that my commitment to never give anyone reason to tease me about being 'fat' again initially had a greater influence on my decision to stay thin for the rest of my life.

When I was in junior high and high school I was average weight and intelligent. I also had many close friends. However, I wasn't in the 'popular clique'. I belonged to the 'brainy' clique of students who took all the honors classes in high school. Nevertheless, my mother regularly chided me for not being 'thin, pretty and popular' like my cousin. Fortunately I didn't let my mother's attitude (that I was never good enough) interfere with my relationship with my cousin. When we attended the same high school, we were in different social circles. However, she always was friendly to me.

When my parents decided to move across the state during the middle of my senior year, I was devastated. I had attended grade school, junior high and high school with many of the same friends. I loved my high school and looked forward to graduating with a class of almost 1,000 students. So my aunt asked my mom if I could live with their family (and graduate with my cousin) for the remainder of my senior year. I really wanted to live with them and graduate with my class. However, true to form, my mother said she didn't want to 'burden' my aunt. So my mom insisted that I move during the middle of my senior year and finish the year at a new school 600 miles away from my friends and cousin. My mother rationalized that she had done that as a high school student (and was still bitter about her move), so I should be able to also adjust. I DID adjust. I graduated with a 3.95 average (one B in the latter part of my senior year in the new school but all As for the rest of high school). However, I didn't make many close friends at my new school. I did find ways to secretly rebel against my mom during the rest of my senior year.

After high school I saw my aunt and my cousin infrequently. My cousin and I went our separate ways until her father's unexpected death in his early 50s. I saw my cousin at that funeral and 2 years later at the funeral of her mom and my aunt, who committed suicide after struggling with grief for 2 years after her husband's death. Then I saw my cousin only a few more times, once after my mom's death and another time when she and her husband and 2 children visited Seattle. I met her and her girls for shopping and then again in the evening for a long dinner. Thereafter I talked to my cousin at least once a year on the phone. I called her on holidays, like her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Occasionally she called me. She always loved to talk when I called, but I eventually suspected that I missed her more than she missed me.

Now I miss her painfully. The shock is wearing off and the pain is setting in. Maybe her death triggers all the pain from other deaths of my aunt, my ex-husband's mom, my own mom and dad. Perhaps my pain comes from regret about missed opportunities to get together. I regret not calling my cousin again after I got back from Maui. However, I also realize that she may have not been available to talk. At the end of October her health was rapidly deteriorating. During one of her last hospitalizations, she contracted MRSA. Her husband told me that she recovered from MRSA after getting antibiotic treatment. However she also had been put on a c-pap machine to facilitate her breathing which was diminished by congestive heart failure. Soon thereafter she developed pneumonia. She never recovered from that and died November 6, one month and one day before I learned of her death.

Perhaps because I look younger than I am and because I actively work to stay healthy, I seldom think about death from illness. I eat healthy foods, because I abstain from my food allergies (which eliminates junk and fast foods) and eat mostly a vegan diet. I exercise daily, get enough sleep, don't smoke, drink alcohol or take any OTC drugs. I've never used 'recreational' drugs. Despite having CD and 6 food allergies, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, high HDLs (the good cholesterol) and healthy CBC test results. I initially feared complications from c-diff, when I was first diagnosed with that bacteria. However, I now believe I will eventually eradicate all the c-diff spores with 'pulse dose' vancomycin treatment. I don't feel 'old'. I feel healthier than I felt 10 years ago. However, the death of my cousin, who was 6 months younger than I am, vividly reminded me of my own mortality.