Nine Months Without Bingeing

Christmas Eve Day marked 9 months of my abstinence from binges. 10 years ago I abstained for almost 6 months. However during the next 10 years I struggled to abstain 3-4 months in a row. So I averaged a little more than one binge a month until last March, when I committed to do whatever was necessary to eliminate binges. Initially I counted weeks without bingeing. Then I counted months. Eventually not bingeing, no matter what or how else I ate, became my norm. Now I focus on eating just enough to feel comfortably full, when I feel comfortably hungry. I resist eating past 'full'. I also resist eating just because the food is there. However, I don't condemn myself when I do eat beyond full or before I'm hungry.

Above all, during the past 9 months I committed to not let myself throw up no matter how much I refluxed or felt nauseas after eating any amount. I realized that giving myself permissioin to throw up, when I felt uncomfortably full or nauseas, also gave me permission to continue to overeat or even binge. I only threw up once during the past 9 months, when I was so sick from flagyl side effects that I woke up with extreme nausea at 3am (long after dinner had digested) and couldn't fight spontaneous heaving as my body reacted to that drug. However, I learned to cope with flagyl induced nausea and didn't throw up again during flagyl treatment.

However, allowing myself 'antideprivation eating' also prevented me from wanting to overeat great amounts of any one food. Antideprivation eating allowed me to eat a few bites of dessert, even when I felt full after a meal, so that I wouldn't feel 'deprived of' that dessert food. I don't often want 'sweets' or desserts when I feel hungry. Nevertheless, I crave a 'sweet ending' to lunches and dinners.

Also I stayed aware of my 'self-talk', especially when I was in former binge situations. I avoided 'all or nothing' decisions. When I felt too full after a meal, I didn't let myself say "I blew it. I might just as well binge." When I snacked between meals, I tried to stay aware of my stomach fullness. So I would stop eating when I felt full, whether or not I started eating when I was hungry. I didn't think "I'm eating standing up between meals. This is a binge. I might just as well eat everything I haven't let myself eat for awhile" because there were no foods I restricted unless those contained my diagnosed allergens. However, my allergens are mostly ingredients. So I can still enjoy tasty 'treats' made from allergen free ingredients.

However, I also consider what I really want to eat and don't feel driven to overeat foods I previously restricted. Right now I have in my house 4 kinds of cookies, 3 different flavors of ice cream, 2 kinds of candy, leftover frosted birthday cake, zucchini bread, jam, nuts, crackers, chips. I've eaten small amount of every one of those foods within the past month. I know I can eat those anytime I want them. So I don't crave sweets or snack foods any more than I crave other foods. It's all just food now.

I wish I could say at the end of this year that I haven't binged for a year. However, I know that time will come in a few months. Meanwhile, I continue to practice grace, tolerance and moderation with my eating habits.