How Much Is Enough?

I haven't posted for almost 2 weeks. Several situations influenced me to ask myself "how much is enough". First, my treatment program for recurrent c-diff ... I just took the last 'every other day' dose and wonder how to proceed with an every third day pulse dose phase. Secondly I overate to the point of discomfort at lunch for the past 2 days. So I wonder how I decide 'enough' when I eat. I wonder whether I'm looking for emotional resolution, rather than merely physical satisfaction, when I eat. Finally, I hesitated to post on this blog, because not much has changed during the past 10 days. I'm still treating for c-diff, I'm still overeating to the point of discomfort once every few days or so. I'm still wondering how much time I want to spend online. So I'll elaborate on those 3 areas ...

When I first began this round of treatment for recurrent c-diff, I had not decided how long to continue 'pulse dosing'. Previously I stopped after 8 days of every other day. Then I took high dose probiotics for 7 days before we went to Maui. Unfortunately that treatment failed to eliminate c-diff. So I altered the treatment slightly this time. I took vancomycin 4x a day for 17 days, rather than 14 days. Then I started the tapered doses (2x a day, then once a day), followed by pulse (once every other day) doses. As previously, I took one daily probiotic capsule (8-12 billion viable good bacteria). However I continued to have diarrhea while doing the tapered dose phase. So I decided to take 2 daily probiotic capsules (to increase the 'good bacteria' to 16-24 billion) daily. That resolved the diarrhea almost immediately. I haven't had any diarrhea for almost 2 weeks.

However recently (for the past 2 nights) I've woken up with severe cramping pain in my intestines. The first time began with right sided pain which moved to left sided pain, then back right and left again, as though some allergen were moving through my gut. Since I had purchased and eaten some supposedly safe (allergen free) deli salads just before experiencing that pain, I suspected allergens. Then the pain seemed to disappear during the day. However, I experienced the same cramping but moving pain last night after having no discomfort during the day. Perhaps that pain is related to taking probiotics at night, because my usual allergy cramps continue during the day often for several days or weeks.

Today was my last every other day vanco. So I planned to skip 2 days before taking another vanco. However that nighttime pain plus the nausea I experienced this morning makes me wonder if I have some c-diff symptoms. I've also read that some pulse dose programs recommend a higher dose every 3 days. So rather than my usual 125 mg, I could take 250 mg. I'm also considering taking another vanco today (12 hours after my other vanco) to increase today's total dosage. I just don't know what those cramping and nausea symptoms mean. I sure hope this is not recurrent c-diff. However, if I do have c-diff symptoms, I certainly have enough vanco to increase the dosage on an every 3rd day pulse dose regimen. I'm going to pray about this decision.

As mentioned I overate to the point of discomfort for the last 2 days. Actually each situation was different. Yesterday I enjoyed a peanut butter with mango wrap and most of a small apple for lunch. However, I planned to walk to the mall (in the rain) after lunch. I suspect I nibbled on peanut butter out of the container, because I was anxious about getting wet and cold (after fighting a cold for the past few days). So I consider that extra tablespoon of peanut butter 'emotional eating'. I was eating to distract myself from anxiety about getting cold and wet.

Today I overate what I really wanted to eat after eating some grapes to 'stave off hunger' so that I could prune flowers before lunch, even though I was already hungry for lunch. Today was the first partly sunny (not rainy) day we've had for awhile. I wanted to prune overgrown hydrangeas for the past week. So I delayed lunch by snacking on grapes and went out to prune those flowers. However, I planned to have a tomato, lettuce and deli turkey sandwich for lunch (with a few more grapes). By the time I finished the sandwich and more grapes I was STUFFED, but I still wanted something sweet for desert. So I had one bite of an apple 'Lara Bar' (apples, dates, walnuts, almonds, raisins, cinnamon). I didn't want more after that, but I felt painfully full ... AGAIN. I wondered why I didn't stop at 'comfortably full'. I realized I planned to eat that sandwich, but spent my appetite on grapes. So I still wanted what I planned. The solution for that situation would be to just eat, when I initially felt hungry, what I planned to eat, rather than 'stave off' hunger with something I eat everyday (grapes), but doesn't appeal as much as the planned sandwich.

Still I wonder why I have such an emotional investment in 'lunch'. I usually eat 'just enough' at breakfast and dinner. Lunchtime (which can be anytime from 1:30-3pm) is when I most often overeat. I suspect I need to consider each overeating situation differently to resolve this problem, because I don't overeat for the same reasons each time. Maybe I feel most guilty about overeating at lunch, because I want to be hungry when my husband comes home so we can eat dinner together. When I overeat at lunch, he has to wait until I feel hungry enough again for dinner. I don't worry about weight gain, because that amount of overeating doesn't seem to effect my weight at all. Maybe I naturally compensate by eating less at the next few meals after overeating. However, I regret overeating at all, because I cause myself unnecessary discomfort.

Finally, blogging ... Should I post shorter comments more often? When I wait so long between posts, I tend to write longer posts. I know at least one person reads this blog. However, am I writing for myself or for 'silent' readers? Lately I've hesitated to write anything, because I STILL don't know whether I resolved the c-diff problem, I'm STILL eating past satisfaction an average of once every other day or so. The good news is I have abstained from bingeing (and purging) for almost 8 months now. Maybe the eating past full is the last disordered eating habit for me to eliminate. Time will tell with c-diff, overeating and this blog ...