I'm going to Maui in a little more than 2 months. I suspect that I weigh a few pounds more than I did the last time I went to Maui. Never mind that I have abstained from bingeing and purging for over 4 months now. Never mind that I'm eating intuitively whatever feels good in my body, only when hungry and stopping when I feel satisfied most of the time. I forget all that progress when I look in the mirror and see my flabby waist and arms. I see (and measured) extra inches on my waist. However my arms just reflect muscle deterioration. My skin sags where I used to have toned upper arms. Didn't my skin used to fit? LOL All those bad body thoughts make me want to 'cut back' how much I eat.
I decided last night to resume using the ThinWithin Hunger Graph. That's a 0-10 scale where 0=very hungry and 10=very stuffed. On that graph I track when I eat, my hunger level before eating and my hunger level after eating. On my first day (today) I had my morning juice when I wasn't hungry, but didn't feel full afterwards (4-->5). Breakfast was 0-->5. Then I was really hungry at lunch. So I ate 0-->6. I actually served myself enough to feel comfortably satisfied, but I wanted a spoonful of ice cream after lunch.
My spoonful of ice cream turned into more than 1/2 cup!! As I was eating and feeling guilty, I recalled how I used to decide to binge after I overate. Feeling too full and feeling guilty about overeating previously motivated me to say "Oh, what the heck, I might just as well binge". Now, however, I HATE feeling uncomfortably full so much, that bingeing does not appeal to me. Nevertheless, I watched myself go from a few tiny spoonfuls of ice cream to 1/4 cup to over 1/2 cup as I regretted overeating. What was different today? G U I L T!!! Where did that come from?
My first thought, as I continued to eat ice cream, was that I need to put away all my dessert foods for awhile. So I will only have fruit or stevia sweetened tea available after meals. So my guilt led to DIET or restriction thoughts. Those restriction thoughts motivated my 'last supper' response to eating ice cream. By last supper I mean I wanted to eat all I could (before I felt uncomfortably full), before I restricted myself from eating ice cream. Fortunately, I rarely overeat, so 1/2 cup of ice cream seems like too much. Nevertheless, my thoughts of guilt, then restriction, then 'last supper' were very similar to my previous binge logic.
However, I need to consider whether the guilt preceded the restrict thoughts OR the restrict thoughts (I shouldn't be eating ice cream because I need to lose some inches around my waist) actually precede the guilt thoughts. I think my bad body thoughts preceded my restrict thoughts which preceded the guilt thoughts which preceded more overeating. If I had not decided that I needed to lose a few inches, I might not have felt guilty about a few spoonfuls of ice cream.
Am I wrong to want to lose a few inches around my waist or improve the muscle tone in my arms? I don't think so, but I can do both with exercise and activity, rather than restricting what I eat, before my vacation. Even a trip to Maui isn't worth undoing all the progress I've made with intuitive eating. I'd rather go with a flabby waist and flabby arms than return to restricting, bingeing and maybe purging. Rather than worry about toning up my slender body, I prefer to go to Maui after 6+ months of freedom from bingeing (and purging). So I need to keep using intuitive eating, which helped me abstain for over 4 months now.
I plan to review the 'Intuitive Eating' book tonight. However, right now I'm going out to get some exercise by planting flowers in my garden on this sunny afternoon.
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5 comments:
Just keep at it , don't give up,you know how to do it!!!!!!
I was actually thinking I should bring ice cream back into the house and try to eat 1/4 cup a day as dessert instead of the yogurt or one day yogurt and the other icecream....
Claudia
Thanks, Claudia. Yesterday's ice cream experience was a real surprise for me. I didn't realize how easily I could slip back into the bad body thoughts, restriction, overeating, guilt, more restriction cycle.
I think what stopped me from bingeing was (1) I HATE feeling overly full; (2) I won't purge, so I would have to endure painful fullness if I binged; and most important (3) I recognized that trying to restrict myself actually made me want to eat even more than I needed.
I have repeatedly overeaten and put all the tempting foods in my garage freezer. Out of sight, out of mind? Then I would binge eat all those foods when I felt stressed about something. Well, I no longer binge when I feel stressed, but I don't like to restrict myself either. So I don't want to repeat that cycle of restrict, overeat, binge, restrict.
The only way I can get my body in shape is with more activity and more exercise. Since I don't have to moderate a board, I spend much less time posting online. I'm much more active with gardening, household chores, walking, etc.
I can still eat less, but only when I trust that I won't take away any foods I like. When I have foods I like every day, I only need a taste, rather than a 1/2 cup to satisfy a craving for a taste.
I think that a good plan !!!!!
Claudia
This line stood out to me the most in your post: "I'd rather go with a flabby waist and flabby arms than return to restricting, bingeing and maybe purging."
I think you're right, why would you want to give in to these self criticizing thoughts after all the progress you've made?!
Is it really so terrible that you're body changed a little bit since the last time you went away to Maui?
So what if you ate more than 1/2 cup of ice cream one day? I think, even if you ate the entire pack just this one day doesn't mean you should reconsider all the work you've done!
This thought to restrict, to diet to look good for a vacation is definitely playing a major part in the guilt you felt about the icecream. I think, if there was no guilt you would not have wanted to eat more than the 1/2 cup. If you were not expecting to go to Maui soon, would you still think you'd feel this guilt?
Is it really guilt, or do you fear the way you think you look? Do you fear the way others see you?
Olia
Hi Olia: Actually I don't fear how others see me. I know most people think I'm very thin. I just don't like how my waist has gotten bigger. So I don't look as good in some of my dresses. I also can't button the waists on some of my short. I still have clothes I can wear, but they are too big everywhere except the waist.
Maybe I'm just angry because my stomach is STILL bloated and gassy part of every day, DESPITE enduring 2 weeks of horrible side effects of flagyl to treat for C-diff. While I took flagyl I felt nausea and stomach pain, but I had no constipation and no bloating for 2 weeks. Flagyl usually gives people diarrhea. Since I was already frequently constipated, Flagyl just gave me looser stools and a flatter stomach for a little over 2 weeks. Then I gradually returned to my normal bloated stomach. I HATE THAT!! I don't know whether I have bad bacteria in my gut which causes the constipation or I really need to eat more fiber.
More than just restrict calories, I wanted to restrict low fiber food (like ice cream). So I would eat more high fiber foods like fruits and vegies. I HATE worrying about how food affects regularity. I wish I could just eat anything and not worry about whether the food will cause gas, bloating, pain and constipation. However, I know I have to consider how every food will affect my body, not body weight, but stomach bloat.
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