Deleting FTGF Board

After over a month of deliberation, I decided to close my Find Truth Get Free board late on July 20. Several reasons for this decision come to mind:

(1) I created that board after I left Karen Koenig's 'Food & Feelings' board. There one very active member became angry after I and several other members mentioned specific foods in our posts (despite the fact that the board was a FOOD & feelings board). That angry member preferred to just talk about feelings (i.e. VENT about her life and eating difficulties), but not talk solutions. So I wanted to start a board where people talked about specific problems and considered specific solutions for those problems. I also wanted to inspire members to DO something different to effect change, rather than talk about thinking about change. At first everyone who joined my board was very excited about resolving problem eating habits.

Little did I realize at that time that most people who post on boards are in the CONTEMPLATION mode of habit change. They know they have difficulties, but they are ambivalent about change, despite the difficulties their problem habits cause. All but one member of my FTGF board was very heavily entrenched in the contemplation (but resist change) mode. Now I know why therapists charge exorbitant fees to patiently listen to people who want to complain about their problems, but aren't ready to change. SIGH

(2) When I created my board, I felt sick and chronically tired. So sitting in front of the computer posting on the board let me believe I was accomplishing something, when I was too exhausted to do anything more active. Little did I realize that I was suffering symptoms of a yet undiagnosed C-diff (clostridium difficile) potentially fatal bacterial infection in my gut. After I FINALLY convinced my doc that I needed another DNA microbial stool test, despite his belief that 'stress' caused my gut symptoms, I still had to wait another 3-1/2 weeks for the results of that test. So I felt really sick during most of May. After I finally got the test result (high levels of c-diff) in June, I soon began taking one of the worst drugs I've ever taken to treat bacteria (flagyl). The flagyl side effects of headaches, nausea, fatigue, stabbing gut pain, strong metallic taste and lack of hunger cues (other than more intense nausea when I needed to eat) lasted for over 2 weeks (although the treatment was only 11 days). So I didn't start to feel more energetic until early July. Then I no longer wanted to sit in front of this computer for long hours posting on my board.

(3) Even before I finished taking flagyl and recovered from c-diff, warm summer days had arrived in Seattle. We don't have many sunny days, so we go crazy when the sun shines. We have to get outside, wear shorts and flipflops and soak up the rays while we can, rather than rely on vitamin D supplements. LOL However this summer was like no other. It started in late MAY. We went almost 2 months without measurable rainfall. My garden vegies and berries flourished. Even when I was so sick with undiagnosed C-diff that I could hardly stay awake, I did a 20 mile bikeride, just to be in the sun, albeit riding very slowly.

So after I recovered from c-diff and flagyl side effects, I resented every minute I spent in front of this computer, when I could have been outside in my garden, or walking or biking around our local lake, or even being in any other (sunnier) room of the house (my computer is in a north facing room). As the summer progressed I needed to harvest and freeze produce. I needed to prune flowers and vegies. I wanted to eat dinners and sit talking with my husband after dinner on our front porch. I wanted to spontaneously stop to gab with my neighbors on my walks. I wanted to do anything but be in the house in front of this computer on sunny days. So I often answered posts early in the morning or late at night. Either way I didn't get enough sleep, for someone who just recovered from c-diff.

(4) Finally I started reading the classic "Intuitive Eating" by Tribole and Resch after trying to describe intuitive eating to diet oriented FTGF members. That book reassured me that many of my eating habits WERE intuitive eating. However that book also revealed that I still struggled with some diet mentality and unnecessary food restriction. Above all, I realized that the FTGF board members who struggled the most actually caused their problems with their diet (restriction) mentality. I could no longer support their restrictive diets, which caused overeating and food fears.

Although I began the board with the intention of encouraging members to find their own solutions, I could no longer support one member whose 'solutions' actually caused her problems. When I told her in no uncertain terms that her restrictive diet caused her problems, she left the board. At that point I realized how much she reminded me of myself, my own longterm struggle with bingeing and purging habits, because I continued to unnecessarily restrict what I ate. I knew that I could only offer intuitive eating, rather than support for members who wanted to lose weight by restrictive dieting. I considered changing the board description to explain that I supported intuitive eating, but not restrictive weight loss oriented dieting. However, by that time I just wanted to be free of the board so I could enjoy summer, gardening, freezing produce and outdoor recreational activities (like biking, playing tennis, walking and paddleboating).

I finally learned that many people who post on the internet are NOT out enjoying life. They are NOT actively solving their problems. Some want sympathy for enduring difficulties with problems they are ambivalent about solving or habits they feel ambivalent about changing. They love to talk about change, but they always have excuses about why they are not ready to change. They love to hear how I changed my habits, but they think they are different and can't do what I did. Maybe someday, they say, they will change, but right now they can only do what works for them, which often means using the same habits which make them unhappy and posting about their unhappiness on message boards.

Although many people suggest that I write books, rather than moderate message board, to inspire others with problem eating habits, I know how I collected 'intuitive eating' books while I continued to restrict myself, feel deprived, then binge, purge and start the whole cycle again. So I wanted to help people actually change their habits, rather than think about but feel ambivalent about change. I've learned not to expect more than microscopic change from people who post on message boards or online support groups. I guess I found the truth about message boards and now I want to free myself of obligation to moderate a board. Enough already ...