What I Would Not Admit

For years, while learning to eat 'normally', I still continued to binge and purge about once a month. I abstained from those habits for long periods (up to 6 months), but always returned to using those habits to cope with physical problems and/or emotional stess. I even tracked those episodes on calendars, which showed me how I reduced the frequency of those habits over the years, but I never got below a once month average.

I finally realized that my beliefs about my 'binge foods' perpetuated a vicious cycle of (1) binge on certain foods; (2) restrict those foods (by removing them to a downstairs freezer or throwing them out); (3) abstain from bingeing (and purging) for several weeks or months; (4) crave former binge foods; (5) begin to believe I could eat those binge foods moderately; (6) bring them back into the kitchen; (7) eat them moderately but with certain restrictions (tiny amounts only after certain meals), but still consider those foods nutritionally worthless (low fiber, low nutrition, etc.) and regret eating them; (8) feel guilty after overeating meals with binge food desserts several times; (9) encounter emotional or physical stress (gut pain or fatigue); (10) remember how bingeing distracts me from stress; (11) remember how I love my binge foods, but don't let myself eat them very often because I consider them 'worthless'; (12) decide to 'get rid of those worthless, tempting binge foods' in one large 'last supper' binge'; (13) begin the whole cycle again. (Notice I itemized 13 'unlucky' thought processes.)

For years I heard from 'nondiet' experts that stocking our kitchens and learning to eat our common binge foods as 'just food' without all the guilt would free us from cravings to binge eat those. I realized that I seldom binged on foods I really valued (enjoyed, believed were nutritious and consumed daily). Likewise, I NEVER ate foods which contained any of my 7 food allergens. I had absolutely no temptation to eat foods which I knew caused excruciating pain or other scary symptoms (like tachycardia). However, when I wanted to binge I chose foods I enjoyed, but didn't let myself have very often, because I believed those foods weren't as nutritious as my daily fare. I believed that if I ate anything, I should get as much nutrition as possible, since I couldn't eat much without feeling too full.

That "uncomfortably full" feeling sometimes motivated me to 'throw in the towel' and binge, with the understanding that I would purge afterwards. Although I tried to learn to eat my 'binge foods' moderately during one phase of my vicious cycle, I still felt guilty about eating those 'unnutritional foods', even in small amounts. Of course that guilt kept me from really enjoying those foods. So the only time I really let myself enjoy those without guilt was when I intended to binge and purge afterwards. Rather than teaching myself to view those binge foods as 'just food' and eat them moderately, I actually taught myself that I could only enjoy those foods during binges. As long as I had in my house foods which I enjoyed, but felt guilty about eating, I always had binge supplies.

Despite that viscious cycle I abstained from bingeing for long periods, from one month to 6 months. Before my last binge I had abstained over 3 months. However, during those 3 months I regularly overate at meals and fought urges to give into binge/purge episodes to distract myself from guilt by bingeing and relieve the discomfort by purging. I felt proud of my 'willpower' to resist binges when I felt too full. However, I knew I was not really preventing binges. I was just resisting urges to binge. I could do that only when I wasn't overwhelmed with physical and emotional stress. However, when I felt overwhelmed AND deprived of foods I loved but felt guilty about eating, I knew I could comfort myself with all the foods I only ate during binges. Usually after long abstinence periods, I again wanted to learn to eat those foods in moderation. (Steps 5-6 of my cycle) So I had begun to purchase and occasionally eat a few of those. (Step 7 of my cycle) Perhaps if I had only eaten those at restaurants or only purchased and eaten one serving at a time, I would never accumulate a small supply of binge foods. However, overconfidence and desire to learn to eat normally kept me restocking small amounts of binge foods as part of my cycle.

However, on the day of my binge/purge episode, I experienced after a nutritious dinner which I didn't want to lose, uncontrollable dry heave vomitting and then horrible reflux which continued for 3 days, no matter how what or how little I ate. That horrible experience made me honestly look at how I viewed 'binge foods' and what I had taught myself about eating those foods over the years. I vowed to change how I ate and viewed those foods. I knew in my heart that when I could view them as 'just food', like the foods I ate for most meals, I would no longer categorize foods as 'unnutritional binge foods', 'safe' foods and allergen source foods. I will always view my allergen foods as 'unsafe', because they cause painful symptoms and physical damage. However I believed that viewing my former binge foods (and any sweet, low fiber 'treat' foods) as just foods, equal to what I commonly ate at meals, I would no longer turn to certain foods when I felt physical or emotional pain. Food would become the solution for hunger, rather than painful feelings. (For readers who still struggle with overeating and/or binges, those ideas may sound a little far-fetched. However, I knew in my heart that what I believed made certain foods appealing, but 'bad', rather than just 'foods'.)

My last 'horrible binge/purge to uncontrollable vomitting and reflux' day occurred a few days before Thanksgiving, after my husband's birthday when I drank a glass of wine at a restaurant. I suspect the alcohol caused the hangover which cause the nausea, which made me want to throw up anyway, before drank coffee to cope with hangover fatigue, and then craved chocolate to go with the coffee, before I binged and purged, which led to horrible reflux, more nausea and uncontrollable vomitting 3 hours after a small meal, which led to 3 more days of chronic reflux. All that motivated me to never choose purge again. However, I knew just teaching myself to resist purging when I overate, didn't really resolve the problem. I had gotten into my vicious cycle too many times before. I needed to (1) prevent overeating and (2) eliminate the need for and attractiveness of bingeing.

So rather than continue to let myself overeat and try to resist bingeing or purging, I focussed on learning to stop eating when I was satisfied, not stuffed or uncomfortably full. I won't describe that here, because I already devoted many of my previous posts to insights from that learning process.

In order to eliminate the need for and attractiveness of bingeing I had to convince myself that I would never again restrict foods I enjoyed. With the holiday season rapidly approaching I knew I would have plenty of opportunities to practice eating my former 'binge' foods without guilty or restraint. For Thanksgiving dessert we made pumpkin ice cream. From the batch of cranberry relish I made for dinner, I also baked a loaf of sweet cranberry relish bread. A few weeks later my husband and I baked cookies. I baked gingerbread people and he made rice crispy treats, which I wouldn't eat because he used his soy based margarine. Fortunately we both loved the gingerbread cookies. Then we found a maple sugar candy which I love and which is only availabe during the holidays. Because I had been craving pancakes with syrup (more the latter than the former) for MONTHS, we planned to make those for Christmas Eve. We ate those again for a breakfast and then again on New Year's Eve. Then we received some coupons for my favorite vegan (nondairy) ice cream. So we stocked up on chocolate and passionate mango flavors. I also bought one large gingersnap cookie, which was conveniently broken into smaller bite size pieces. I ate some of all of those 'treat' foods, whenever those sounded good to me, but usually as desserts at lunch or dinner, except for pancakes, which were dinners. Today, 7 weeks after this binge food transformation odessey began, I STILL have some of all of those foods, except the pancakes which we finished on New Year's Eve. (Next time I vow to make waffles, because they hold more syrup. LOL)

I won't describe my irrational beliefs which made me consider all my former binge foods 'bad', especially because some of them were VERY nutritional and high fiber. However I will say that I now eat small portions of sweet foods as dessert after almost every lunch and dinner, if not the entire meal occasionally. Besides pancakes, I also loved the cranberry bread so much that I ate that topped with almond butter and cranberry relish for 2 breakfasts, one lunch and one dinner. I'm still uncertain which meal was the appropriate time for that treat.

I never wanted to admit that my beliefs about my 'binge' foods, not the foods themselve, made me think I could only eat those when I planned to purge afterwards. I acted on that belief so many times over the years that I automatically turned to those foods when I wanted to rebel against what I perceived as 'unfairness' of life, painful physical symptoms or how others treated me. Only after I honestly admitted that I had trained myself to binge on certain foods, did I realize I could train myself to eat them as 'just food' just like I ate any other nonallergy foods. Today bingeing no longer appeals to me, because I enjoy my former binge foods too much to just mindlessly stuff them into my mouth, when I'm preoccupied with emotional or physical stress. I prefer to slowly, mindfully savor the foods I wouldn't let myself enjoy for too many years. So I'd rather eat when I'm hungry, foods I enjoy and stop when I'm comfortably satisfied. I finally get 'normal' eating.