Store or Toss?

Readers of my blog tell me how much they appreciate my honest posts about my self-talk and insights from each meal. So here are more insights from today's breakfast:

I prepared oatmeal with a few slices of dried apples, 3 slices of chopped fresh apple, a tablespoon of rice bran, cinnamon, hazelnut milk and a 2 teaspoons of almond butter. I wanted to try flax meal again. I had a previous bad experience, when I added flaxmeal to another hot cereal and made it too gooey. However, I like 'gooey' oatmeal. So I added 1 heaping teaspoon of flaxmeal midway through cooking (microwaving) the oatmeal.

I was definitely hungry when I began to eat. I finished dinner over 14 hours earlier. However, my experience with being very hungry for each meal helped me appreciate how intense hunger just makes food taste and feel sooo much better. So I wasn't desparate, just hungry.

However the first bite of oatmeal didn't seem sweet enough. I tasted more apple, cinnamon, oatmeal and flax than anything else. I contemplated adding more sweetner. OK, I want to honestly admit (especially for readers who disdain artificial sweetners or believe all the negative hype, probably written by the sugar industry, about aspartame and saccharin): I USE ASPARTAME AND SACCHARIN to sweeten beverages. I USE ASPARTAME on hot cereal. I also use STEVIA, but that's more expensive. I started using those first mentioned artificial sweetners years ago, when I didn't understand why consuming cane sugar gave me tachycardia (rapid heart beat). I also hated how cane sugar sunk undissolved to the bottom of a bowl of cereal or cup of tea. So ... having said all that ... I considered adding more sweetner to my oatmeal, but decided to first observe my reactions to the tastes. Here's what my parent (P) and child (C) voices said:

(C): I like the chewiness of the oatmeal and apples, but this isn't sweet enough. Maybe the flax ruined my oatmeal.

(P): Just eat. Flaxmeal is good for you.

(C): I'm not that hungry. I'd rather not eat food that doesn't taste good.

(P): But you haven't eaten since dinner last night, almost 15 hours ago.

(C): I'm bored. I want to do something else.

(P): Aren't you still hungry?

(C): Yeah, but not for bland oatmeal and apples.

(P): OK, I'll add a little more sweetner.

(C tasting oatmeal with more sweetner): Ahhh ... much better. I like this.

(P) Maybe you can finish this oatmeal ...

(C after a few more bites): No, I can't. I'm TOO full now. You tricked me into eating too much. I don't want anymore.

(P) Well, we can save this for another breakfast. If we save all the cereal you leave everyday, you will have enough for whole other bowl.

(C) UGGGGGGHHHHH!! THROW IT OUT! NO REHEATED OATMEAL!!

I really did contemplate saving the oatmeal. I save small amounts of dinner vegies, meats and casseroles and freeze them away. Then I combine them into a new casserole for another lunch or dinner. I suspect I really do that because I eat dinner with my husband, who seldom throws away any food. He will store 2 bites of food from his plate. When we first met, I often saw in his refrigerator large containers with 2-3 bites of food which had taken on new (often moldy) forms. During the past 14+ years of our marriage I have almost never seen him eat small amounts of leftovers. I usually have to throw out his LGBs (leftovers gone bad). So I feel embarrassed when I don't want to save something that I was too full to eat. I think I 'should' have served myself less, like my husband, who takes small first servings and goes back for 'seconds'. However, I'm just still learning how much my body needs after years of either eating too little or too much. My husband knows I'm trying to be more attentive to my 'enough' sensation and applauds me for stopping, but favors saving leftovers.

I almost always eat breakfast alone. My freely throw away food I no longer want to eat, because I've eaten enough. I don't purposely prepare too much breakfast. I suspect I believe I need more because I'm hungrier. As mentioned in a previous post, much hungrier doesn't necessarily mean I need more food. The more often I throw out leftover breakfast food, the more I can adjust what I prepare for breakfast. The more often I toss leftover cereal, the more my 'normal eater' inner child voice emerges from the shadows of my 'controlling' parent voice. That inner child is teaching me how I would have eaten, if I had not been forced to clean my plate, eat foods I hated, ignore 'hunger' until mealtime, and to ignore many other bodily needs, which 'bothered' my mom.