Emotional Pain, TW and Prayer

Yesterday I completed a facebook study of "ThinWithin: A Grace-Oriented Approach to Lasting Weight Loss". I previously (5 years ago) read, wrote chapter summaries and discussion questions, and led a study of that book for my local TW support group. However more recently, I wanted to review many of the TW principles, like their 8 keys to conscious eating, and support a friend who wanted to lose weight by following TW guidelines. However, ThinWithin offers so much more than a weight loss program. I knew rereading the book could help me draw closer to God, just as my original experience with the ThinWithin website and workbooks had. At that time TW also helped me decrease my use of bingeing and purging (b&p).

Before I describe how my recent TW study helped me, I want to share a little history: I came to TW from Weigh Down, another Christian (??) program which emphasized hunger/fullness eating and obedience to God who created our bodies and our stomach cues. While attending a local WD conference, I heard the founder interpret some scripture in a way that totally disagreed with what I had learned. After that conference I could hardly believe that group considered itself a 'Christian' group. While reading about others' experiences with WD, I learned about ThinWithin's online program. So by the time I joined TW, I had already practiced eating when I was physically hungry, foods I loved, and stopping eating when I felt full. I also used WD tricks to slow down my eating and consume less. However I was STILL bingeing and purging occasionally. Less often than once a month, but often enough to feel ashamed and powerless over triggers to b&p. Above all, WD taught me that God designed reliable bodies which could regulate our weight, if we obeyed our hunger and fullness cues.

However, ThinWithin described God's ongoing GRACE in a way that made me believe God loved and forgave me for years of bingeing and purging, as well as every other shameful act. I had heard about forgiveness for years in churches I attended (and was a member), but I didn't think God could forgive me, because I had thought, said or done so many things for which I felt shame. I believed God's grace applied to other people, but not to me. I loved TW's explanation about grace as not only God's pardon, but also His presence (guide me), His power (to strengthen me) and His provision (of people and circumstances to comfort and support me).

According to TW's definition of God's grace was their principle of 'observe and correct', similar to religious "confess and repent", without all the shame and ritualistic penances. 'Observe and correct' helped me lose the shame I felt about my struggles with bingeing and purging. Rather than feel overwhelmed with shame after each b/p 'slip', I could instead learn from what happend. I could 'observe' the situation, my thoughts and my physiological condition that preceded my binge and purge incident. Then I could ask God for guidance in how to 'correct' that habit, or what I could do in a similar situation, to prevent repeating my b&p behavior.

Understanding that God forgave my 'slips' allowed me to honestly acknowledge that I chose to binge and chose to purge. Those weren't automatic habits which occurred without my conscious decisions. Acknowledging, that I chose to use those disordered eating habits, empowered me to choose NOT to use those habits. I lost my fears about certain foods 'triggering' a binge, and learned to eat more foods between the boundaries of hunger and fullness.

Above all I learned to pray about painful emotions, rather than distract myself by binge eating and purging. I learned to take problems to God in prayer, before I felt overwhelmed by feelings about those problems. Talking to God (or even writing letters to God) helped me sort out what I really thought and eventually challenge whether my beliefs were true or irrational reactions to what I perceived happened.

ThinWithin uses the term 'Flesh Machinery' to describe all the irrational beliefs, habitual behaviors, past failures and past experiences with food, eating or our bodies. Those 'flesh machinery' influence us to eat when we aren't hungry and keep eating beyond satisfaction. TW taught me to challenge those beliefs, identify triggers to using disordered eting habits, and view past failures and experiences differently. Years later I read Karen Koenig's Food & Feelings Workbook, which taught me how to challenge irrational beliefs, which caused painful emotions, and then replace those beliefs with truth, in order to change my behavior. That process was easier to understand and implement after learning about challenging irrational beliefs through TW.

I suspect my recent success with learning to eat for physical needs, rather than eating to cope with emotions, is due in part to previously learning to acknowledge and work through painful emotions. My recent TW book study reminded me that I can most easily do that 'acknowlege and cope' process through prayer. I've learned to not carry painful feelings any longer than it takes me to take those emotions to God in prayer. I write a daily 'letter to God' in my prayer journal about my worries, frustations and regrets. I ask for His forgiveness about actions I regret. I describe my frustrations with myself, other people and life in general. I give Him all my fears, especially about ongoing physical symptoms. I often feel frustrated because I continue to experience gut symptoms which I can't understand or resolve, despite almost 5 years of treatments and diagnoses. So I give to God, those symptoms and any other burdens which I don't need to bear alone.

Above all, my prayer journal provided a place to honestly admit what I knew about my eating habits, but didn't want to acknowledge. Knowing that God accepts me as I am and forgives my faults, allows me to honestly write about counterproductive beliefs and habits and consider what I could do differently by God's Grace (especially His power). I'll post later more specifically about irrational beliefs that kept me returning to monthly binge and purge episodes. Here I just want to say that daily prayer and journalling helped me finally change those habits after I honestly admitted why I did what I did. "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)