Self-Trust Helps Me Let Go

Many 'normal eating' gurus say that we can more easily stop eating when satisfied IF we trust that we will feed ourselves whenever we feel hungry again. For example, Geneen Roth in Breaking Free from Emotional Eating says in her chapter about "Knowing When to Stop Eating": "Decide that you want to know what it's like to consistently be comfortable with your food intake, to feel powerful and in charge of your eating ... It's not always going to be easy. But you can get through the hard moments by reminding yourself that (1) you can eat anytime you get hungry and (2) you are taking care of yourself even though it may not seem like it at the moment."

Susie Orbach in 'On Eating" says in her chapter "Stop Eating the Moment You are Full": "If you aren't hungry for very much, don't worry. You will be hungry again soon ... Promise yourself that you will eat what you want the next time you are hungry."

Even Gwen Shamblein in "Weigh Down Diet" says in her chapter "How to Stop When You are Full": "Why in the world would we ever want morethan we need? ... We eat as if there is no tomorrow, thinking we had better 'get while the getting is good.' Perhaps we are not sure that we believe there is a God, especially a caring Father/Creator ... God is going to let you get hungry again and ... He is going to feed you again!"

Although I trust that God will provide food for me when I'm hungry, I don't trust that I will let myself eat when I'm hungry. After years of binge/purge episodes, which usually started after 'stand at the kitchen counter' between meal snacks, I feared any between meal snacks could turn into a binge. So I tried to limit all my eating to meals. Sure enough, I regularly binged after I ate while I prepared food between meals or when I continued to snack at the kitchen counter after an unsatisfying meal. Maybe my belief created a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Eventually I taught myself that I could snack or taste foods I prepared between meals WITHOUT feeling so guilty that I would say 'Oh what the heck! I might as well binge" and follow that self-talk with a binge/purge episode. I replaced that 'between meal snack' binge trigger by accepting that I wouldn't always perfectly abstain from eating between meals, but I didn't have to feel guilty, distract myself with a binge and try to undo the guilt with a purge episode.

Then I talked to my orthodontist about getting Invisiline retainers to straighten my lower front teeth and 'underbite' (my top teeth didn't close over the bottom teeth). When I learned that I could NOT eat while wearing Invisiline retainers, I decided that would be a great deterrent for between meal snacking. I regretted the few times I tried to snack with those retainers, because I spent a lot of time and effort brushing them afterwards to remove stuck on food particles. So Invisilines eventually helped me abstain from all between meal snacking.

However never snacking meant I often felt VERY hungry by the time I prepared the next meal. When I approached a meal after being hungry for a long time, I didn't want to stop eating until I was painfully full. I regularly ate from the pain of 'starved' to the pain of overly full. Actually I started that habit of eating from painfully hungry to painfully full long before Invisilines, when I feared snacking would lead to bingeing.

I had repeatedly read Geneen Roth's and Susie Orbach's suggestions about reminding yourself when you felt satisfied at a meal, that you could eat anytime you felt hungry again. However I could NOT trust myself to eat when I was hungry. I believed eating between meals meant bingeing between meals. Then after I got Invisilines, I convinced myself that either (1) snacking between meals when I felt hungry was too much hassle or (2) snacking would ruin my appetite for a meal (usually dinner) which I planned to eat with my husband.

Eventually I realized I would not let myself stop at 'just enough' if I could not trust that I could eat again when I needed food. I experienced a few scarey low blood sugar episodes, because I didn't anticipate getting hungry as soon as I did. I had to remove the retainer to eat something during one of those episodes. However, I still didn't want to 'snack' between meals, because I wanted to enjoy the meal I planned and eat foods I really enjoyed. I dislike most dry snack foods, although I enjoy fresh fruit which can bring up my blood sugar until I prepare a 'real meal'.

Nevertheless, the Invisiline retainer was a hassle. Then I got both upper and lower retainers, which made me even less inclined to snack. However, I repeatedly resisted stopping at 'enough' because I feared hunger and low blood sugar at inconvenient times. Nevertheless, I knew I needed a safe, easy to consume snack for those times I needed to prepare food when I was hungry or needed to run an errand shortly before my next anticipated meal. So I tried nourishing liquids, which didn't get food stuck under my retainers. First I tried apple or pear juice, but I didn't get much staying power from those. Then I tried hazelnut milk (which I use with cereals). That had enough fats, protein and natural carbs to bring up my blood sugar and sustain me for long enough.

After several experiences of drinking a little hazelnut milk, I finally began to 'let go' of food when I felt satisfied at meals. I could trust that I would give myself some nourishment if I felt hungry before the next meal. I didn't have to overeat to the point of 'painfully full' so that I wouldn't get hungry for a long time. I started leaving at least one bite of food on my plate or in my bowl at each meal, which made me feel even more sensitive to my body cues and comfortable when I stopped eating. I could FINALLY trust myself to take care of myself "even though it may not feel like it at the moment".

All those suggestions about stopping eating when I could trust myself to eat again anytime I felt hungry were absolutely true. I don't exactly eat anything I crave when I feel hungry between meals, because I usually crave a whole, sit-down meal when I'm hungry, rather than snack foods. However I found a few liquids which would resolve my hunger for a few minutes while I prepared what I really wanted or at least got home to food I liked. Trusting that I can use 'liquid snacks' when I feel hungry between meals helped me 'let go' of food when I feel satisfied. So I no longer eat until 'painfully full'.