My Designated (Eating) Issue

Before I even read Martha Beck's article about 'designated issues', which I described in my previous post, I began to wonder what eating issue I should resolve this year. After 9+ months without bingeing during 2009, I wondered (and even blogged about) resolving my 'overeating' problem, now that I had eliminated my binge/purge habit. Rather than just continue doing whatever I needed to maintain freedom from bingeing, I needed to 'improve' my eating habits even more. I discounted that I already abstain from 7 food allergens, eat a fairly healthy diet and maintain a low (but healthy for me) weight. I thought I needed to improve my eating habits even more. I commmited to eat only to the exact point when I felt comfortably full or 'just enough' ... until I binged on January 6.

After that binge, I described the incident in a blog post, which I later deleted. Then I did a 'post lapse analysis' (ala 'Appetite Awareness Workbook') which I also described in another blog post, which I also deleted. I didn't really understand why I chose to binge after resisting bingeing for so long. However I suspected that I binged, because I had resumed restricting sweets, by putting the Christmas cookies in the downstairs freezer, purportedly to make more room in the upstairs side by side frig/freezer. So I brought the sweets back upstairs and did 'antideprivation' eating of cookies at lunch each day until 6 days after the binge. Then I consumed too many sweets standing at the kitchen counter, but stopped eating when I felt moderately full.

I began that 'almost' binge to prove to myself that I could eat sweets standing up at my usual binge location without bingeing. I consciously chose to eat and stayed aware of my body sensations as I ate. Nevertheless, when I stopped eating I felt nauseas after eating so many sweets and continued to feel ill for several hours afterwards. I just ate too many sweet foods without throwing up afterwards. That experience totally changed my beliefs about sweet foods. As long as I ate tiny portions, I obsessed about the great taste of sweets. However, eating mostly sweets as a meal just made me nauseas for hours afterwards. I did not purposely restrict sweets after that 'almost binge', but I just have not wanted anything sweet for the past few days.

After reading the 'designated issue' article, I recalled that I initially binged (breaking my 9+ month abstinence period) 2 days after I shipped my DNA microbial stool test sample to the lab to test for c-diff (or anything else). The morning of that binge, I verified via Fed Ex tracking that my test sample arrived at the lab. However, I had very mixed feelings about that test. If the results were positive for c-diff, I'm not sure my doc will continue to prescribe vanco for treatment. If the results are negative, I don't know how to explain the recurrent cramping and nausea symptoms I have between pulse doses of vanco. Either way I lose. I feel very out of control about c-diff.

The next 'almost binge' occurred after a phone conversation with my husband about his job. He worries about his job stability now. I can support and encourage him, but I feel powerless about his job situation. However, I CAN obsess about my eating habits, rather than worry about my husband's job or my c-diff infection.

In her 'designated issue' article Marth Beck's 'basic process' for resolving that issue really spoke to me. When she said "Imagine ... that your designated issue is gone ... Not even a memory", I thought "One binge in over 9 months does not mean I went back to square one. I could easily be a 'normal eater' now. I know how to eat according to my body cues. I'm thin. I really don't have to worry about how much I eat, because I don't like feeling too full. I really could just wake up tomorrow morning and not have an 'eating problem'. I did that for over 9 months already. Normal eating is MY norm now. I just have to focus on the real 'scary' issue."

So I asked myself (per the 'designated issue' article): "Now that I've fixed that, what problems do I still have to face?" My immediate answer was unmistakedly "C-DIFF!!!!" I'm scared I still have that bacteria, but my doc doesn't understand how c-diff recurs. He thinks I'm 'vancomycin resistant' (which only occurs with intravenous vanco). So I'm worried that he won't prescribe more vanco, but might want to try some other less effective drug, even though vanco worked for me. I'm even more scared that the test will be negative for c-diff, even though I still have c-diff symptoms. So I talked to my husband about my fears. He reassured me that my GHC doc would prescribe more vanco, if I just showed her the DNA microbial stool test results and told her my history.

Then I took my one step toward resolving my c-diff fears: I drafted a letter to my naturopath doc. I'll ask my husband to read that letter before I email that early next week. I've had more c-diff recurrence symptoms during the past few days. So I'm more focussed on that problem. Ironically, I haven't weighed or overeaten or let myself get too hungry between meals during the past 3 days. I'm more focussed on eating what makes me feel comfortable, because I have enough c-diff symptom pain without making myself uncomfortable with overeating or eating foods that taste good in my mouth, but don't feel good in my stomach.

I'm amazed at how easily I stopped eating when I felt moderately full since I read that article. I didn't obsess over needing a between meal snack when I ate a light lunch. I also didn't worry about 'antideprivation' eating. I'm just not interested in sweet foods (other than fruit) right now. However, I won't restrict those if/when I want them again. Now I just want to relish stomach comfort, because my intestines don't feel so great.