As I continue to explore what motivates me to eat beyond satisfaction at meals, I realize that I want to do one thing, but instead do the opposite, just as Paul wrote in Romans 7:15: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." That reminds me of Karen Koenig's comments about 'confusion' in her "Food and Feelings Workbook", which say:
"A hallmark of mixed or conflicting feelings is repeatedly SAYING you want to do one thing, but not DOING it, or doing its opposite. For example, let's say you're sick of focusing on how much you weigh, but can't quite bring yourself to put away the scale. You've been battling with this dilemma for ages. The problem is that you're in touch with only one set of emotions, the 'positive' ones (the pros) telling you that it's a healthy move to ditch the scale. The other set of feelings, which is comprised of your fears (the cons) is hidden out of awareness. When you think about it, there are real reasons you'd be scared to stop weighing yourself: dependence on a number to tell you what and what not to eat, lack of trust that your body can take over the job, fear of getting fat or of no longer being thin."
While I have no problem with scales (I weigh about once a month), I can understand how fears about what could happen when I stop eating at 'just enough' keep me eating past comfortable satisfaction. Most of those fears originated from actual experiences. At the time, overeating seemed like a valid way to prevent reoccurence of those situations. However, those fears are no longer valid. So here are my 'FEARS' and the truth about those situations. IF I STOP EATING WHEN I FEEL SATISFIED, I FEAR:
(1) I WILL GET LOW BLOOD SUGAR SYMPTOMS RATHER THAN FEEL 'HUNGRY' BEFORE MY NEXT MEAL. Like my other fears, this fear is based on actual experiences when I experienced scarey low blood sugar symptoms, especially when I was away from safe (non allergic) foods. However, I learned to prevent low blood sugar reactions by eating balanced meals with fats, proteins and fiber. At home I can drink apple juice or hazelnut milk to restore my blood sugar without ruining my appetite for the next meal. On walks away from home, I carry money to buy fruit or juice which can restore my blood sugar quickly. Above all I've learned that WHAT I eat (enough protein, fiber and fats) will keep my blood sugar balanced more than HOW MUCH I eat. So I can just stop when I feel satisfied, rather than overeat to prevent low blood sugar symptoms.
(2) I WILL FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WASTING FOOD. I try to serve myself portions that I've learned from experience are just about enough to satisfy hungry. If I have much more than I need, I can store that for another meal. If the food won't keep well for a future meal, then I can store the food and throw it out after it takes on a life of its own (mold!) in the refrigerator OR I can throw it out after the meal. I can't always predict how much my body needs to satisfy hunger, but I don't have to abuse my body by overeating, when I misjudge how much I need.
(3) I WON'T CONSUME ENOUGH HIGH FIBER FOODS. That fear is based on years of confusion about what caused my chronic irregularity and misinformation from clueless docs who didn't understand the cause of that irregularity. Diagnoses of my 7 food allergies and subsequent abstinence from allergy foods helped somewhat resolve that irregularity. However my problems were caused more by impaired gut motility, rather than lack of fiber in my diet. Some of that impaired gut motility was caused by hypochloridia (insufficient stomach acid). So taking HCl with meals improved stomach digestion. More of my slow gut motility was caused by various bacterial, fungus and parasitic imbalances in my intestines, also linked to hypochloridia (because normal stomach acid kills those 'critters' in the stomach). After treatments for each of those imbalances killed bad bacteria, fungus and a parasite, I always experienced improved gut motility (and regularity) for awhile. More recently I took really high dose probiotics which really improved intestinal health, by flooding my gut with good bacteria to crowd out those other bad guys. So I can choose higher fiber foods, but not needlessly overeat for fear of becoming irregular.
(4) I WILL FEEL DEPRIVED AND EVENTUALLY BINGE ON FOODS I DON'T LET MYSELF EAT FOR DESSERT WHEN I STOP AT SATISFACTION. Again that fear is based on real experiences. As I described in previous posts, I did cycle between restricting and bingeing on sweet foods. When I allowed myself to eat my former (allergy free) binge foods at meals, I changed how I viewed those foods. They became 'just food', rather than binge foods. I stopped bingeing. However I then feared that I would binge when I felt stressed, if I didn't eat 'dessert' after lunch and dinner. Even when I felt satisfied by the meal, I rationalized eating dessert, because I feared I would feel deprived and later binge, if I didn't have 'dessert'. I definitely didn't want to return to bingeing (and purging). So I continued to overeat at meals to include my dessert. Eventually I realized I just wanted a sweet 'taste', not a whole portion. So I began to eat just a bite or 2 of something sweet to satisfy my craving for 'taste'. Now I can often just stop when I feel satisfied. If I miss that sweet taste, I include that sweet in my next meal. I no longer fear 'deprivation' induced binges, because I realize I previously to cope with feeling overwhelmed with physical and emotional challenges, not just because I felt 'deprived of sweets'. I also realized overeating to include a sweet dessert deprives me of physical comfort when I leave the table.
I began writing this post a few days ago. Since then, I rarely overeate. I stored or thrown away food still on my plate when I felt satisfied. The realization that I overate to feed FEARS, rather than my body, helped me 'let go' of food as I understood those fears are no longer valid. What I feared doesn't happen now. As I feed my body, not irrational fears, I prefer to stop eating before I feel uncomfortable, rather than rationalize overeating. Before I eat, I can choose foods with high fiber, fats and protein, and/or sweet tastes. However when I eat, I can stop, when I feel satisfied, no matter what I ate before that point. Rather than listen to fears in my mind, I can 'just say no more' and let my body choose when I stop.
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4 comments:
Sue, #1 really rings true to me. I eat smaller portions now because I am eating dense whole grains, some fat and dense protein. You are right... those things do fill us up and hold us, esp. when paired with water... I have noticed. I have felt that fear of being hungry, blood sugar drops, etc. but I know I carry snacks almost everywhere, and my body tells me what meals are most filling. I do notice, tho, that if I have more stress, etc. I use up blood sugar faster, and I really might get hungry faster (interesting, there is a published scientific article on just this thing... that thinking hard uses blood sugar very quickly and causes a sharp dip for many people). I had that experience today. I ate a lunch that should have held me for 5 hours or more. Instead, after about 4, I knew I needed a snack. I had been grading and opening/closing windows, filling out important stuff. So, I realized my blood sugar was used up quickly. I think it's neat to know about our bodies and how they work, and I know you really have that advantage since you are so in touch with yours! The fears do still rear their heads at times, though...
Does that study consider 'thinking hard' stressful? I suspect we 'think hard' when we obsess about stressful situations. However, I don't experience blood sugar deviations when stressed, as much as I experience when I haven't gotten enough sleep or when I ate very little the previous few days, like I did the past week when I had symptoms of nausea after almost every meal. (No, I'm too old to be pregnant. LOL) So I had not been eating as much as usual, because I felt overly full and nauseas after eating less than usual.
Today I felt better (almost no nausea), but I had nonstop hunger. I needed apple juice when I first got up, ate a regular (hot cereal, fruit and almond butter) breakfast 2 hours later, felt hungry 3 hours after that (I usually last 4-5 hours on breakfast) and ate lunch, then needed another snack 2 hours later and another one 2 hours after that, and finally ate dinner 2 hours after that. That was unusual for me, because I usually just eat 3 meals.
So I suspect my body was making up for not eating so much during the past few days when I felt ill. I was pretty surprised that my body would try to compensate all in one day. LOL However, I often eat much more on the following day after I eat very little. I don't need to lose weight. So my body works hard to maintain 'status quo' or my current weight, by making me hungrier when I finally recover from an illness.
I don't know if my body considers thinking hard stressful, but it does use up blood sugar. :) Taking tests, grading, etc. were all evaluated in the experiments. I have known or sensed that for a while, but when I read the article, I thought bingo. That has been my experience several times before.
Yes, my body knows when she has missed food, too. :) I suspect the same kind of thing would happen to me to if I were ill. I haven't been sick in a while, so I don't know. But she likes meals and snacks very regularly. LOL.
BTW, I just posted a blog in answer to your question about how I could get started with RR when my brain was such a mess. :) That was a good question... and a lot of SS folks struggle and push against eating a program breakfast until they do it and they feel so much better. Then, it's easier. I think it's scary though to go from eating nothing or eating something very unsuitable to really feeding your body nutrient dense (more calories too) meals in the mornings.
You said "... it's scary though to go from eating nothing or eating something very unsuitable to really feeding your body nutrient dense (more calories too) meals in the mornings." What's the belief behind that fear? Were you trying to limit calories by skipping breakfast? Or were you trying to only eat when hungry and stop when satisfied (as recommended by 'normal eating' approaches), but you weren't hungry in the morning because you ate more in the evening? My husband was a chronic breakfast skipper, but often snacked after dinner, late at night. When he stopped snacking after dinner, he woke up hungry and wanted breakfast. Is that what you did to start eating breakfast?
BTW I didn't have a cold or flu symptoms or anything. I just felt a little nausea and bloated after eating. That could have been from continuing to take high dose probiotics. Or maybe I'm trying to stay so aware of my hunger/satisfaction levels and other stomach sensations that I noticed the slight nausea and bloating. Whatever happened ... I ate less for a few days, which was probably a good thing, while I was adjusting to whatever ... However yesterday I felt overly full a couple of times. So today I'm back to 'loosely clenched fist' sized meals of very dense foods (like peanut butter with chopped pear on a gluten free half English muffin for breakfast). I just can't comfortably hold very much food at one time. So I get more staying power from those nutrient dense foods and feel 'comfortably full, rather than stuffed after meals.
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