Deprivation vs. Helplessness

Yet another comment by Karen Koenig on her "Food & Feelings" board about feeling 'deprived'. Karen wrote about 'healing deprivation':

"Once you've identified areas in which you feel deprived (love, attention, food, opportunities), understand that the primary, underlying feeling you're dealing is helplessness. Make sure to read the chapter on helplessness in my FOOD AND FEELINGS WORKBOOK and try to complete all the exercises in the chapter. Focus on how you now have power and can make choices. When you feel deprived, stop and attend to the feeling, ie, recognize it and remind yourself that that was then and this is now. Remember that you can't make up for or change the past. Having "more" now will not erase the distress of having "less" then. Reframe your beliefs on deprivation and keep in mind thoughts of abundance. If you're having difficulty with this issue, browse through my blog archives at"Normal" Eating and reread the ones that discuss deprivation and abundance. How 'bout posting a list of rational thoughts from reframed beliefs about choice and abundance?"

When I reviewed the helplessness chapter in my "F&F Workbook", I realized how I often focus on secondary emotions, like anger, anxiety, guilt and disappointment, rather than the primary feeling of helplessness, especially during the past 2 weeks. I know I feel helpless about my ongoing gastrointestinal symptoms. 2 weeks ago I read a study which suggested Splenda inhibited beneficial intestinal microflora (or 'good' gut bacteria). Although I don't use Splenda, I wondered whether the 2 artificial sweeteners I use (aspartame and saccharine) could affect gut motility. So I decided to abstain from those sweeteners (and substitute natural sweeteners). Initially my symptoms decreased, but they returned a few days later. Because I expected better results (decreased symptoms), I felt very disappointed when my symptoms returned after that initial decrease.

I experienced similar disappointments after every treatment for gastrointestinal dybiosis. I get a test which indicates bad bacteria, fungus or parasites. I endure treatment (and side effects of nausea, cramping pain, bloating, etc.) to kill off the 'bad guys' in my gut. I take probiotics (more bloating) after the 'treatment' to restore normal gut bacteria. I feel better (less bloating, gas and irregularity) for awhile (1-3 months), but slowly all my uncomfortable symptoms return.

So I keep looking for causes for those symptoms. I've exhausted my naturopath's 'bag of tricks'. I know mainstream docs would run all the tests for diseases they KNOW how to treat (cancer, gallstones, etc.). However, my symptoms and history are not indicative of those 'mainstream' diseases. My symptoms are consistent with damage from long misdiagnosed (by mainstream docs) celiac disease. I know I'm not consuming any food allergens. I know gut dysbiosis treatments help for awhile. So I had hoped aspartame (which is implicated in soooo many symptoms) might have caused my gut symptoms.

Maybe I haven't abstained from aspartame long enough. My headaches (which I attributed to sleep deficit or low blood sugar) disappeared within 3 days after avoiding aspartame. However, getting worse gut symptoms, rather than feeling better, doesn't seem like a good sign. So once again I feel disappointed, angry that my naturopath has 'given up' on me, scared that I may feel worse and worse, but mostly helpless. I'm also tired of feeling disappointed. Maybe I should change my expectations from hoping that I can find and treat the cause of my symptoms to accepting that I will always struggle with gut cramps, bloating, gas and irregularity or that I will always have a love/hate relationship with food. I enjoy the taste and experiencing satisfaction from hunger, but I hate digestive problems.

So how did I jump from disappointment to helplessness to deprivation? Helplessness and disappointment were familiar emotions during my childhood. I don't like to think about the ongoing anxiety I experienced about my mom's unpredictable mood swings. I felt powerless (helpless) to defend myself against her physical attacks. I continually felt disappointed when I obeyed my parents and excelled in school but was never praised, only punished or scolded for less than perfection. I felt disappointed when I was denied what my older brother was given. I felt disappointed when I was compared to him or my cousin and judged to be never good enough. So disappointment and helplessness are familiar, yet uncomfortable feelings.

As Karen Koenig mentioned in her F&F Workbook chapter about helplessness, I prefer to focus on an action-oriented emotion, like anger or anxiety, which motivate me to DO something, anything, rather than acknowledge feelings of helplessness. Likewise, because I experienced lots of helplessness during childhood, I quickly jump to anger or anxiety as adult, rather than let my 'helpless' feeling remind me of all the times during my childhood when I experienced helplessness. I can easily overreact to adult 'helpless' feelings, because I never acknowledged or resolved all the situations which made me feel helpless as a child. So the adage "That was then and this is now" reminds me to focus on current emotions like helplessness, not let unresolved childhood emotions overwhelm me.

When I began abstaining from aspartame, I hoped that would resolve my symptoms. However, I also realized I felt deprived when I added more familiar foods (artificial sweetners) to my ever growing list of restrictions. Rather than focus on what I can't eat, I always try to focus on what I can eat. So I celebrated Valentine's day with allergy free (naturally 'agave' sweetened) brownies and nonalcoholic wine with dinner. I don't mind doing without, when I believe abstinence will help me feel better. However, when I didn't feel better, I just felt deprived ... deprived enough to continue overeating for the next several days. Now I realize I was not only deprived of a familiar sweetener, but hope of recovery from gut symptoms. So I tried to distract myself from hopeless, helpless feelings by feeding my sense of deprivation with 'food'.

Obviously feeding my 'deprivation' didn't work. Rather than feeling fulfilled, I just felt too full. When I cleared away my disappointment, I was left with familiar feeling of helplessness about my body. Now I need to consider what I CAN do, whether or not aspartame abstinence resolves my gut problems. I'm not totally powerless over my health. So I will contemplate what I can do to feel better.