Deprivation and 'Settling'

'Feeling deprived' has continually influenced my choices to either overeat or binge. So I liked Karen Koenig's post about childhood deprivation in response to a thread about 'greed and overeating' on her "Food and Feelings" board. Karen said:

"Growing up deprived of food/love/attention skews how you look at the world as an adult. You too often think: Will I get my fair share? I better take more in case I don't get later. Do I deserve more? Do I deserve enough? Is enough what I want or what someone tells me is right for me? Fear of being deprived drives decision making and since deprivation is a deep well, you feel as if there's never enough. Rarely do I meet disregulated eaters who don't have other sufficiency issues. In fact, I call the whole condition having an "enough disorder." The way to effective self-regulation is through asking yourself questions such as Am I satisfied, Would more or less be in my best interest, How will I feel with more, How will I feel with less. Doesn't matter if you're talking about food, work, doing for others, TV, shopping, spending. Knowing what's enough is called a life skill."

As I mentioned in a previous post about 'passions' I believe we crave as adults what we missed as children. My mom restricted what I ate, controlled what I wore and told me to stay in the house and do household chores after school, rather than play outside. I was deprived of love and respect, but as a child I mostly felt deprived of more obvious things. Now I have difficulty saying 'enough' to food, clothes, late night tv in bed, and being outside on sunny days. (I can easily say 'no' to household chores.) I may feel more deprived of foods, when I feel deprived in other areas of life.

Memories of childhood deprivation makes me resist and often rebel against my inner voice of reason, especially when I feel overwhelmed with currently feeling 'deprived'. My inner self-talk while overeating or even bingeing reflects that battle between a restricting parent self and a rebellious child self. Until I resolve my 'enough disorder', I may continue to obey and then occasionally rebel against perceived 'deprivation'. Asking myself Karen's suggested questions ("Am I satisfied?", "How will I feel with more?" and "How will I feel with less?") can help me thoughtfully explore 'how much is enough', when I eat, when I shop for clothes, when I do household chores. Those questions can help me feel like an adult making loving choices, rather than a restrictive parent controlling a rebellious child.

Abstinence from bingeing can seem like deprivation from freedom to eat whatever and as much as I want. Food allergies and gastrointestinal problems already limit what I can eat. Physical comfort limits how much I can eat. Hunger and fullness limit both when and how much I can eat. So I will never have total freedom with food or eating. I can never make up for deprivation in childhood by eating with abandon in the present. Nevertheless part of me rebels against that truth when I choose to binge, probably because I still believe at some level that 'purging' lets me ignore reality and 'get away with' total eating freedom. So I want to consider what other ways, besides bingeing and purging, can I 'plunge into oblivion' (as Geneen Roth labels binges in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating")?? What else can I do when I feel overwhelmed with life, gastrointestinal symptoms, and uncomfortable feelings like confusion, fear and even guilt? Can I let myself have a 'day off' when I feel like I need freedom?

I also realize that frustration about my chronic gastrointestinal symptoms lead me to rebel against restrictions about hunger/fullness eating, even while I still obey restrictions about food allergies, artificial sweetners, etc. How ironic that I can even binge on allergy safe foods. I fear the pain of allergy reactions more than I fear guilt and possibly worse irregularity after binges. So even when I choose to binge I don't rebel against all restrictions. I still accept the food allergy restrictions as necessary and helpful. I just rebel against stopping at enough food. I tend to go back and forth between listening to my body and stopping before I'm uncomfortably full and eating with abandon to the point of discomfort. I choose to binge, because I know I can resolve the discomfort of overeating when I purge. So why not binge and purge occasionally, like once every 3 months? Why not reward longterm abstinence with a binge/purge episode? BECAUSE ... I really don't enjoy the food after I feel overly full. I miss the flavor of food I eat after I'm full. Purging causes more regularity problems, although short lived, when I quickly return to 'normal eating'. Purging erodes dental enamel. (I already have crowns and composite 'backers' on several teeth. Purging exacerbates reflux (I continue to reflux very easily for a few days after purging). I actually see more negative purging than bingeing now. However I really dislike feeling uncomfortable after overeating. So I won't binge unless I plan to purge. Hmmm ... what would I 'give up' if I never binged again, besides the negative discomfort and problems from purging??? THE SENSE OF FREEDOM, the plunge into oblivion, permission to do or give myself whatever I want, when I want it.

What struck me as I considered how feeling 'deprived' influences my choice to overeat or binge was: EVERY TIME I CHOOSE TO OVEREAT OR BINGE, I AM 'SETTLING'. Instead of going for what I really want, I choose what's easily accessible, just as I did during my childhood. I couldn't make my mother love me or treat me equally or even stop abusing me, but I could eat the foods she restricted, when nobody was home. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be free to go outside and play after school. I wanted to be with friends and their parents who treated me better than my own mother treated me. However, I obeyed my mom who told me to stay in the house, do chores and school homework. Instead of doing what I really wanted, I 'settled' for eating forbidden foods. I rewarded myself for obeying my mom by eating the foods I liked, but was forbidden to eat. I knew my mom would never reward or even praise me for obedience. So I rewarded myself for doing what I really didn't want to do. I 'settled' for food instead of love. I still settle for less than I want and reward myself with excess food.

Every time I feel physically satisfied, but reach for more food, I want to ask myself, "Why am I settling? What do I really want? If I could have anything else, beyond food, what would I choose? If I leave this table or kitchen and go anywhere else, where would I go? If I could start today to live the life I want, would I continue to eat? If not now, when?