After receiving encouragent to continue this blog, a post from one reader, realization that one person officially 'follows' this blog, and memories of comments by several others, I realize people do read this blog. So my hesitancy to continue blogging really stems from not wanting to reveal my current eating struggles. After abstaining from bingeing (and purging) for 9 months, I binged twice in January and twice in February. The second episode occurred 3 weeks after the first binge in January. The third and fourth episodes occurred 2 weeks apart. I was able to get back on track the next day and continue to abstain from bingeing for a few weeks before next episode. However, the more I practice bingeing (and purging), the more easily I can rationalize the next binge episode.
The bad news is that I consumed a lot of sugar (frosted cookies) during that last binge. That was enough to make my blood sugar very unstable for about a week afterwards. I experienced hypoglycemic symptoms (headaches, anxiety, lightheadedness, weakness) before I actually experienced stomach hunger all day every day for a week. So I have snacked between meals much more than usual. Fortunately, I maintained my 'moderate fullness' boundary each time I ate. However, I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm uncertain how to proceed. I can't seem to remember what 'normal eating' is/was for me.
The good news is that I realized how often my binges are driven by emotional eating, rather than deprivation per se. I binge to distract myself from fear of failure at sewing projects, from frustration about almost anything (from sewing projects to gastrointestinal infections), and to procrastinate unpleasant tasks or 'shoulds'. I thought I had resolved 'emotional eating', after completing the 'Food and Feelings Workbook'. Obviously, I still occasionally use bingeing to cope with emotions. That in itself frightens me.
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2 comments:
Hi, Sue. I'm reading back, and it sounds like you have figured out what is going on... you are a huge inspiration to me. I think the great thing about normal eating/intuitive eating is that we can gently nudge ourselves back into it.
Thanks, Lisa. I appreciate your drawing my attention back to that post. I denied how much I struggled during the first 2 months of this year. I had been posting on the IE board and was caught up in 'legalizing foods'. Little did I realize I had just switched addictions again ... from frequently posting online to baking and eating lots of treats during December, January and February.
Perhaps I believed the most popular IE board theory, which suggests that legalizing (learning to eat moderately) all foods (esp. previous binge foods) will resolve and eliminate previous binge habits. Little did I realize that I STILL binged to cope with emotions, just like I fantasized about legalizing to cope with emotions, etc. etc.
I don't consider myself a 'sugar-sensitive' person or even an 'addictive personality', although the second seems more appropriate than the first. I agree with Geneen Roth's view that 'pain and the attempt to avoid it make people compulsive'. She says that when she binges, "It is acutally an indicator that (she) is unwilling to feel, express, or act on what (she's) feeling."
I believe compulsion drives addictive habits or behaviors. Also my beliefs about what will relieve my pain (like eating will make me feel better) influence those habits.
So when I try to eliminate a compulsive behavior habit, without learning to cope with the feelings I try to avoid when I use that habit, I can easily switch addictions.
Right now I'm focussing on moderation ... not so much online posting or reading, more sewing and gardening, eating when I'm hungry, not eating when I'm stressed or full, walking to absorb vitamin D from sunshine and feel better, rather than burn calories, stopping earlier whatever I'm doing early enough to get to bed for 8 hours of sleep, etc. Less of some activities, more of others and trying to balance, rather than letting one behavior overwhelm my life.
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