Sabotaging My Best Intentions?

Shortly after I participated in a ThinWithin 4 Life discussion about whether gluttony influences overeating, I discovered 2 separate articles about how we can sabotage our own best intentions to change habits, whether those be eating habits, health habits or any behaviors.

The first article entitled "Setting Intentions" was a post by Karen Koenig (author of "Food and Feelings Workbook") in her blog "Normal Eating". In that post she described how to identify what we want to do (our intentions) and then how we might react when we say that intention out loud. She then explained how to deal with those voices which can sabotage our intentions:

"Is there a voice in your head laughing at you, insisting you’ll never succeed, or admonishing that you’re prideful in wishing for such an unattainable goal? Try to understand where these voices come from, then silence them. They’re protecting you from disappointment, hurt, or wounding from the past. At one point in your life they were helpful and adaptive, but no longer. Next, write down your intention and again notice and analyze your reaction. Keep repeating and writing your intention until the negative messages stop.

Intentions aren’t negotiable. They’re goals set in the cognitive part of your brain to enhance your life. Don’t get derailed by feelings about your intentions. In fact, for once, forget emotions. They don’t belong in the equation. Once you’ve already made a decision, your emotions have no place in turning it into action. Avoid debating with yourself. Don’t allow discussion to begin because, when you do, your intentions will get lost in the shuffle and it’s more than likely that your heart will over-rule your head.

What if you’re in the moment and totally forget that you had an intention to say, stop agreeing to do things that aren’t in your self-interest? Well, you have to back track and think about whether you really want to have that intention. If it’s healthy for you, then redouble your efforts and next time someone asks something inappropriate of you, say no. Now hear this: If you continually “forget” about or don’t follow through with an intention, it means you have an equally strong (hidden) intention that’s getting in the way. In the case of saying no and speaking up, maybe the unconscious intention is to never have people angry at you. If so, you have to undo the unresolved, underlying conflict before you can succeed at putting your intention into consistent action."

On the same day I read an article in the January 2009 OPRAH magazine entitled "You Don't Need More Willpower". The author (Holly Brubach) reported on the work of 2 Harvard educators who "argue that our best-laid plans often fall through for smart, self-protective (and ingeniously hidden) reasons." They say "Our flat-out failure to bring about the change we desire is not for lack of good intentions ... While we beat ouirselves up over our lack of willpower ... our dark side that wins out time and again ... those change-resistant behaviors have a very good reason for being ... What you see as demonic is actualy in some ways a very tender expression, a protection of something you feel vulnerable about ... The behavior you're trying to extinguish is just the tip of the iceberg ... And until you get below the waterline, you can't see why this behvaior is brilliant. What lies underneath the surface is anxiety which (is) the most private emotion in public life."

The 2 educators "see anxiety as our brain's background noise, revving up when we're confronted with something new, unfamiliar, or threatening, and operating most of the time at such a low volume that we don't even hear it ... We don't think of ourselves as continually fearful, because we've figured out how to manage this undercurrent of anxiety." In order to illustrate how our background 'anxiety' noise operates they describe the following exercise to help us see how we sabotage our intentions with fears about what might happen if we carry out our intentions. Here's their exercise "What's Holding You Back?":

"1a) CHOOSE THE RIGHT GOAL. Our goals are often disguised as chronic complaints--basically your biggest gripes complain information about what you most want. Start with what's bothered you most this year.

(1b) Now think about how you might turn that general dissatisfaction into a specific goal and write out that goal.

(2) ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PART IN THE PROBLEM. List what you do that works against this goal. Ask yourself "WHAT AM I DOING (OR NOT DOING) TO UNDERMINE MY PROGRESS? Be as honest and precise as possible--and avoid self-flagellation.

(3a) DISCOVER YOUR COMPETING COMMITMENTS. Ask yourself: WHAT FEARS COME UP WHEN I THINK ABOUT DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WROTE IN (2)? Someone whose goal is to lose weight, but who knows she ignores portion sizes, might realize that she's most worried about turning into a calorie-counting control freak.

(3b) Consider how your current behavior (in part 2) reflects your determination to keep what you fear most from happening. Competing commitments are often rooted in secret anxieties. In the case of weight loss goal, the woman might write "I want to be fit" vs. "I don't want to become totally neurotic." Then explain how you've used competing commitments to manage your life or emotions.

(4a) IDENTIFY YOUR UNDERLYING ASSUMPTIONS: Start by looking at the secret fears you wrote in (3a). These are driven by assumptions you've made (e.g. anyone who monitors protioins MUST be controlling) To unearth your hidden beliefs, answer the following questions: What have you convinced yourself will happen if you overcome your bad habit? Is this true?

(4b) Identifying the thoughts that sustain our immmunity to change is important, but insight alone will not result in lasting change. Most of us operate as if our assumptions are facts. Write ways that you can test whether your beliefs are true, starting with smaller experiments."

Although the 'Willpower' article offers a specific exercise to identify and challenge competing commitments or anxieties that sabotage our intentions, Karen Koenig's blog entry also addresses the same phenomena. This process of identifying underlying beliefs which hold us back is also described by the authors of the "ThinWithin" book which I'm studying in the "ThinWithin 4 Life" facebook group. I seem to be getting this message about how I sabotage my best intentions from all directions. I did that "What's Holding You Back?" exercise last night, but I suspect I need to reconsider my answers for 2 separate goals which now seem to overlap as competing intentions. I need to 'unearth (my) hidden beliefs' and list ways to test the assumptions which create my secret anxieties. I MAY share more in a later post.