Mealtime Self-Talk 12/28/08

For BREAKFAST I chose 1-1/2 buckwheat (with apple and walnut) pancakes, 1 strip of bacon and black grapes (5?). At first I heard myself saying: "I LOVE black grapes. These taste sooo good, but I'm eating too fast. I should slow down and try the pancakes." However I chose bacon next, as I recalled: "This bacon was soo satisfying last time I had it. Maybe I need the protein." My reaction to my first bite of the maple syrup soaked pancake (Is there any other way to eat pancakes?) was: "These are soooo sweet, more apple spice flavor than anything else. I can hardly taste the maple syrup. Next time I'll make blander, maybe banana, pancakes, so I can enjoy the syrup more." I didn't feel full, even after I finished the pancakes and bacon. I stopped eating grapes when I started eating pancakes, because those were sweeter than grapes. (I suspect some of my self-talk represented my fearful child and some came from my gracious parent voice.) However, I'm accustomed to feeling 'full', not just satisfied. So when I got up from the table, another more obvious conversation began between my fearful child (FC) and my gracious parent (GP) voices:

FC: I'm not satisfied. I need more. I feel unstable, like low blood sugar. Maybe I shouldn't eat syrup on pancakes for breakfast. Those can make me binge, you know.

GP: You did eat a little faster than usual, because you worried the pancakes would get cold. Maybe your body needs a little more time to register 'satisfied'.

FC: NOOOO! I need more ... more fats, more protein, more grapes ... I can't stand not feeling full. GIMMMEEE MORE FOOD!!!

GP: OK, if you really feel like you need a bit more fats and protein, how about a bit of nut butter or even a couple of salted nuts?

FC: I don't know. I think sweets are bad. Pancakes with syrup make me feel so unstable that I just know I'm going to binge. I'll start with salted nuts ...

GP: How about one half cashew and one half macadamia nut to see which you like better?

FC: (After eating 1/2 of 2 nuts) I feel fuller already. That's amazing. Maybe I feel too full now. I shouldn't have eaten so much.

GP: Each meal is another learning experience. Remember what you learned today.

I suspect my fearful child embodies all my food fears, guilt and shame about past binge/purge episodes. My gracious parent is like God telling me to focus only on the present moment, to observe how I feel after eating this food, right now, and forget any previous shameful experiences with overeating or even bingeing.

Before I post LUNCHTIME self-talk, I need to describe what happened before lunch. We left to walk around our local lake about 3 hours after I finished that 'iffy' breakfast. About 30 minutes in our walk I began to feel faint, light-headed, heavy limbs, my typical low blood sugar symptoms. Fortunately I brought a few peanuts in the shell for squirrels. So I at 3 little peanuts and hoped for the best. That did stop the shakiness, but I soon experienced obvious hunger. By the time I got to the kitchen to prepare lunch I wanted to grab some fruit to bring up my blood sugar. So I ate:

4-5 grapes, then a turkey sandwich with mayo, cranberry sauce and lettuce, 4 slices of a tiny apple, and a 2 spoonfuls of mocha almond fudge ice cream, while I heard my two self-talk voices saying:

FC (while preparing lunch): I'm STARVED, I need grapes NOW. GIMMMEEE!

GP: OK. Slow down. Save your hunger for what you really crave, that turkey sandwich.

Me (neutral voice): This apple slice tastes sooo good, but I want to enjoy the sandwich. OOOO!!! This sandwich tastes so good and feels sooo good in my tummy. (As I continued to eat the sandwich) Now I know what satisfaction is ... that point where I'm no longer desperately hungry, but the food still tastes good and all my senses are still keen enough to savor all the textures and tastes. No wonder I'm tempted to keep going past satisfaction. I keep thinking the food will continue to taste good, but it doesn't as I get more full. YUP, getting full now I've almost finished the sandwich. That will be just enough."

FC: But I STILL want something sweet. One more apple slice.

GP: Wait for your stomach to catch up and raise your blood sugar.

FC: NOOOOO! The apple wasn't enough. I want ice crean,

GP: OK. Use the tiny spoon and eat 2 bites very slowly.

FC: Look. It's too melted now. I'll have to finish this 1/4 cup of ice cream.

GP: Pour it back into the other container. You've had enough. You don't want to feel painfully full.

FC: (Feeling definitely full now) OK, You win.

I can see how letting myself get too hungry makes me desperate to cram anything into my mouth. I haven't felt faint like that for almost a year. I will think carefully about how I eat pancakes for breakfast (after fasting for 14 hours overnight). Maybe less syrup. Definitely less or no grapes before the meal. Maybe a higher fiber fruit, if I need fruit. Maybe more bacon. Or maybe just eat pancakes with syrup for dinner when I won't be burning so many calories while I sleep. I hate getting low blood sugar symptoms, but I don't need to overeat to prevent those. I just need to think about balanced foods at each meal (not too much carbs or too little fiber, fat and protein.)

1-1/2 hours after lunch when I ate 2-3 spoonfuls of mocha almond fudge ice cream, I got reflux again (3rd time after eating that ice cream). I decided I didn't really like what the ice cream did to my body (reflux). I also didn't like almonds in ice cream, too much mocha (caffeine which causes reflux) and too little fudge ribbon. So I threw the rest (1/2 cup) out and won't buy it again. Live and learn ...

For DINNER I prepared a salmon vegie salad with pineapple and sesame seeds. YUP, the same pineapple which was too sour for a sweet dessert was great on a vegie salad. I didn't have any huge battles between my 2 self-talk voices, but I thought as I ate: "I'm so glad to have a cooked vegie, easy to digest salad for dinner. I'm so tired of starchy sweets. Hmmm ... this dressing doesn't taste as good as I remember, so I'm glad I added the pineapple which makes it sweeter. I'm getting full but not really satisfied. I need a bit more sweet food. One medjool date would be just enough ... Who need's candy when I can eat super sweet dates? Now I'm full AND satisfied."