Full Circle

On this last day of 2008, I seem to have come full circle since I started this blog during November. My posts continually questioned my motivation for both overeating and eating just enough. I realized that despite restrictions from 7 food allergies and a few intolerances (like sorbitol types of sweetners and foods/beverages which exacerbate reflux like caffeine and alcohol), I STILL have freedom to eat many different foods. Last night I discussed my fears of deprivation everytime I considered stopping eating when I still had food on my plate. I realized that deprivation came from childhood experiences as well as years of dieting, bingeing, purging and unnecessary restriction. (I view my allergy restrictions as VERY necessary to prevent painful symptoms.)

I began this blog after an incident where a hangover made me so nauseas that I wanted to throw up, but I also craved bland foods to relieve the nausea. That was a perfect set up for a binge/purge episode. However after bingeing and purging twice that day, I committed to eat a healthy dinner and not throw up. I knew I needed the nutrition (and fiber for regularity). Nevertheless, I felt progressively more nauseas after dinner and experienced more and more reflux until finally, about 3 hours after dinner, I could not control the urge to throw up. That painful vomiting was similar to my previous experiences with continual 'dry heaves' when I had intestinal bacterial infections. I continued to reflux, no matter how little I ate, for the next 3 days. During that time I wondered if I would ever again normally digest food. That episode occurred over 5 weeks ago. During my night of uncontrollable vomitting, I realized I needed God's grace. I realized I couldn't overcome my beliefs about eating or my gastrointestinal problems on my own.

During the next 5 weeks I explored my beliefs about eating and worked on eating only when physically hungry, choosing foods that tasted good, felt good in my body and satisfied hunger for long periods, and stopping when I felt satisfied or comfortably full. Listening to my mealtime self-talk revealed my 'reasons' for not stopping when I was comfortably full or had eaten just enough to satisfy hunger. Some of those 'reasons' sounded pretty convincing and included:

(1)"I don't need to lose weight. I can get away with overeating."

(2) "If I overeat now, I just won't need to eat until I feel hungry again (WD's 'push the restart button' logic)."

(3)"I have ENOUGH restrictions from 7 food allergies, why should I restrict how much I eat at a meal?"

(4) "I serve myself small portions already. Leaving a few bites of food, even when I'm no longer hungry, makes me feel deprived."

(5) "I need more fiber for regularity, so I should consume all this high fiber food, even when I'm already full."

(6) "I feel too full, because my digestion is impaired by CD, hypochloridia, (fill in the blank), so I can ignore my stomach cues to stop eating."

One by one by God's Grace, I challenged each of those rationalizations. Here's what I now realize about those 'reasons to overeat':

(1) and (2) are "Overeating won't hurt me" rationalizations. Overeating at a meal and then delaying the next meal until I'm really hungry, as well as daily exercise, HAS kept my weight low over the years. However I DO experience reflux when I overeat, even if I don't eat foods that relax the esophageal valve. Overeating also erodes my self-trust. I sometimes concluded that I couldn't control myself around foods I overeat and decided to put those foods away for awhile. Of course, 'put those (tasty) foods away' sets me up for bingeing, when I experience emotional pain. Unnecessary restriction can lead me to rebellious feasts (or binges) of those foods I 'put away' because I fear I will overeat them. Overeating causes discomfort and stresses my gastrointestinal system. I suspect anything which causes discomfort may influence irregularity and other digestive problems. I already have enough gastrointestinal challenges from CD, food allergies and hypochloridia. Why create unnecessary pain by overeating?

(3) and (4) are 'deprivation' rationalizations. In my previous post I quoted Geneen Roth's comments about deprivation in her "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" book. Refusing to 'deprive' myself of unnecessary food after I feel satisfied actually deprives me of physical comfort and self-trust. I want to leave the table feeling comfortable, confident that I can take care of myself and delighted with the satisfying meal I just consumed, NOT painfully, unconfortably full, uncertain about whether I can eat certain foods responsibly and sad that I ruined a potentially great meal by making myself miserable through overeating.

(5) and (6) are my "I need to overeat to cope with gastrointestinal problems" rationalizations. Those seem logical on the surface, but upon reflection (and reading what I wrote about rationalizations (1)-(4), I realize that overeating causes pain, which indicates I'm not taking good care of my body. I can easily consume fiber in comfortable sized meals. Before I eliminated all my food allergies and started taking betaine hydrochloride to correct hypochloridia, I may have mistaken bloating for 'fullness'. However, 'not hungry' or 'the food doesn't taste as good as it did when I started this meal' is ALWAYS a sign that I'm satisfied and have eaten enough, no matter how I feel. If I'm really ill, I don't need to challenge my body with extra food. My body will tell me when I need more.

The previous 3 'answers' to my 6 rationalizatons sound pretty convincing. However, my actions, whether I can eat just enough at meals, after challenging those rationalizations, will show whether my answers convinced me to trust my body cues and eat in a way that nurtures rather than abuses my body. My next post about today's meals showed me that I could trust myself to take care of my body.

So I came full circle, back to my original motivation to eat when hungry, to consciously eat foods that satisfied my physical hunger for long periods and to stop when I felt comfortably full and satisfied, NOT because I need to lose weight (I don't), not because I want to save money on food, but because eating in a way that nurtures my body will improve my gastrointestinal health and overall well-being.