Holiday Sweets and That Next Bite

I have a history of post holiday binges. I suspect I binge after my husband returns to work and I'm alone with holiday sweet treats, because I don't enjoy them enough during the holidays. Actually I have a history of bingeing on sweet foods. So I both crave them and fear I will overeat them. I don't have much history of eating sweets moderately. So I can't easily convince myself that I CAN eat sweets moderately. Since beliefs affect behavior, I often repeat history and binge on sweet holiday treats, which I either entirely avoided or only ate in moderation in the presence of other people during the holidays.

During some previous years I chose to completely abstain from sweet holiday foods (cookies, fruitcake, ice cream, candy, etc.), because I thought I wouldn't miss them if I just didn't eat them. I believed one taste would just make me crave more and more. I ignored the fact that I HAD eaten most of those foods or similar foods previously and I had NOT forgotten how they tasted and how much I enjoyed those tastes. Nevertheless, I felt self-disciplined and healthier, while I abstained from sugary treats.

After I learned I had a cane sugar allergy (which explained the rapid heartbeat I experienced after eating sugary treats), I believed I had previously binged on cane sugar containing foods because my tachycardia reaction made me keep eating to try to calm myself down. Thus I thought my binges were allergy related. I decided foods from any other 'safe' sweetners (honey, agave, maple syrup, etc.) would not influenced my binges ... UNTIL I started bingeing on the 'safe' sweet treats. Perhaps my history with bingeing on cookies or ice cream prevented me from REALLY believing that I could moderately eat cookies or ice cream with 'safe' (non allergenic) ingredients.

Nevertheless, during Christmas seasons after allergy diagnoses, I eliminated sources of each food allergen (first year: gluten and dairy, next year: soy, next year: cane sugar and eggs and last year: vanilla and nutmeg). So I thought I could moderately eat holiday treats prepared with safe, nonallergic ingredients. In fact I DID eat small amounts of those treats in the presence of other people at meals. I feared eating those foods when I was alone, as a snack, or even a taste while preparing them (like cooky dough). I really didn't trust myself. I still believed I would binge on those foods, if I were not very, very careful and eat them within certain boundaries. With those beliefs, I usually binged after the holidays when I was alone in the house with sweet treats, which I had eaten in moderate amounts during the holidays.

Furthermore, I developed even more good/bad food beliefs about sweets when my naturopath suspected I might have candida. The candida treatment diet recommends the patient abstain from all sources of sugar (even fruits), except stevia, and strictly limit grains. Since I really didn't trust myself around sweets, I jumped at the chance to restrict sweets, even before I got results from my candida test (which was normal on 3 subsequent tests). The last test (a DNA bacteria/fungus/parasite test) indicated that I had enough Candida to cause problems and treat, as well as a bad parasite. After my doc treated the parasite, he started me on a 2 month regimen of Nystatin to kill the candida fungus. When I previously followed the candida diet, I still ate eggs, before that allergy was diagnosed. When I received the last test results I already had 7 food category restrictions. So I decided I'd limit sugar, but continue eating fruits, while I treated the Nystatin. After 3 months of Nystatin (which had uncomfortable side effects), I decided that was enough to get rid of Candida. I also didn't want any more (unnecessary) restrictions. I realized unnecessary 'good/bad food' or 'diet mentality' restrictions influenced my regular (about once a month) binges.

Sooo this Christmas I focussed on normally eating anything I wanted or craved. Normal for me means I wait until I'm hungry to eat; I eat foods which (l) I enjoy, (2) feel good in my body during and after eating, and (3) keep me 'unhungry' for long periods; and I stop when I'm satisfied or comfortably 'full'. Karen Koenig in "Rules of Normal Eating" differentiates 'satisfied' as an emotional sensation and 'full' as more of a physical sensation; whereas, ThinWithin differentiates satisfied as 'just enough' or not hungry, not full and 'full' is more than satisfied, beginning to feel uncomfortable. After attempting to eat to the point of not hungry, not full at most meals, I noticed I ate until I felt 'full' and satisfied at least once a day, usually when I was VERY hungry when I started eating.

This year I wanted to once and for all learn to view holiday treats as 'just food', not 'bad' or unhealthy foods. I can certainly create 'healthy' cookies from allergen free sources. However, if I believe those cookies are 'bad' because I should be eating foods with higher fiber or more nutrition or less sweets, I can set myself up for 'famine then feast' post holiday binges. I know that if I don't eat certain foods regularly, I tend to overeat them, if I really enjoy them, the first time I eat them after a long period of not eating them. Maybe I don't believe I can eat them again anytime I want them. Maybe my past history of bingeing on certain foods and then restricting myself makes me feel like every opportunity to eat those foods is my 'last chance'. So I also decided this year that I wouldn't 'guilt' myself if I overate certain holiday foods that I haven't eaten for a long time. I'm not overweight; I'm not worried about gaining a few pounds during the holidays. However, I also got a lot of additional daily exercise trudging through snow and ice to 'walk' errands during the past 10 days. So I haven't gained anything yet.

With my goal of 'normal eating' any foods I craved, I ate either of 2 kinds of ice cream for dessert after dinner and/or lunches, I baked and ate cookies at lunches, I had a few salted nuts at the beginning of one lunch (but decided I eat some kind of nut butter every morning, so salted nuts aren't a 'treat'), I made and ate apple walnut buckwheat pancakes with maple syrup for Christmas Eve dinner, I baked and ate cranberry bread with almond butter and cranberry relish for Christmas morning breakfast. I ate most of those sweet foods moderately, but I also overate the first time I had a few of those (like the mocha almond fudge ice cream and the pancakes.) Nevertheless, I reminded myself that I needed to eat those foods at least a few more times to convince myself that I didn't need to overeat, because I could have those foods regularly.

I had craved pancakes with syrup for over a year, while occasionally bingeing on syrup soaked bread, because I didn't want to make a whole batch of pancakes. My first impression of those apple/walnut/buckwheat pancakes soaked in maple syrup was "These are awfully sweet. I don't know why I craved this for so many months. What's the big deal?" Then I thought, "OK, I'll eat them one more time, eat more slowly and really decide whether those pancakes are 'pleasers, teasers or whole body pleasers'". (Pleasers taste good and really satisfy hunger; teasers taste good but don't feel as good as they taste; total body pleasers taste good, feel good in your body and keep you unhungry for long periods.)

Then I realized I needed several 'normal eating' experiences with previous binge foods or sweet foods which I seldom ate, just to allow myself to decide whether I really enjoyed and felt good after eating those (pleasers) or whether I craved those foods, because they tasted good, but didn't really like how they made my body feel. I needed to eat those foods consciously but mostly without judgment, just to give them a 'fair trial' before I decided whther they were true 'pleasers' or just 'teasers'. Above all, I needed to replace my memories of binge eating certain foods with memories of normally eating those foods. If memories of binges influenced my fears that I would always binge on certain foods, then memories of normally eating those foods could challenge or even replace my fears with more rational beliefs about my ability to eat those in moderation.

As mentioned, I've recently overeaten (to the point of full or beginning to feel discomfort) some of those holiday sweet foods. I suspect I would have felt just right if I would have eaten less of the dinner, before I ate the holiday sweets as dessert. Nevertheless, I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after eating the sweets, which made me decide to (1) save room for dessert, especially when I try a new holiday treat food or (2) serve myself a much smaller portion of the dessert food, so that I would remember that food as a physically comforting 'pleaser', rather than a 'teaser' which made me feel worse, merely because I overate it.

Sometime during this process, perhaps as answered prayer, I distinctly heard the words "Will the next bite make you feel better or worse?" I have long struggled to stop eating at satisfaction or comfortably full. I usually succeed at 2-3 meals daily, especially when I eat familiar foods which I know how much I need to feel comfortably satisfied or full. However, with new foods or long avoided sweet treats, I don't know how much I need to feel satisfied. I need a 'mantra' to help me stop eating at satisfied. I don't have the spectre of overweight to help me check my eating. When I overeat, I simply don't want to eat until I feel hungry again or I eat much less at the next meal, because the memory of being uncomfortably full from the previous meal makes me eat less at the next meal. So I don't gain weight from overeating at 1 or sometimes meals daily.

However, eating to the point of discomfort affects my memory of whatever I eat. I tend to conclude that the food made me feel uncomfortable and therefore I shouldn't eat it again. Nevertheless I still remember how much I enjoyed the taste. So I have this inner push/pull between my beliefs about how the food 'made me feel' and how the food tasted, UNTIL I can eat just enough of the food or just enough of a meal which includes that food, so that I can objectively decide whether the food made me feel uncomfortable or the WAY I ate the food (or the amount I ate) made me feel uncomfortable. I suspect some of my beliefs about 'binge foods' were influenced by how I felt after eating the food. I know that other beliefs were influenced by physical reactions to allergen foods.

I eat in order to feel better, to relieve discomfort of hunger, as well as to enjoy the taste and textures of food. I DON'T want to make myself feel worse. I experienced enough feeling worse after meals, because of previously undiagnosed allergy reactions, to last for the rest of my life. I want to leave the table comfortable. I know I recognize satisfaction and 'beginning to feel full, but not uncomfortably full.' I sense that point at almost every meal. So I commit to ask myself, when I sense that 'enough' point, "Will the next bite make me feel better or worse?" to slow down and consciously choose how to proceed.