New Attitude Makes 0-5 So Easy Now

I didn't realize how much a week of painful reflux would change my attitude about overeating, bingeing and purging. For many years I tried to stop bingeing, but I knew I could use purging to avoid discomfort from being overly full. During several long periods, when I resisted purging after overeating to the point of uncomfortable fullness, I also resisted an all out binge, where I would eat to the point of painful fullness. However, I still relished the freedoms of bingeing, of eating with abandon, and of forgetting everything else but eating during that binge. I often chose to binge after a long period of abstinence which included many episodes of simple overeating, because I was tired of feeling guilty about overeating. I just wanted one more episode of eating anything and everything I wanted without feeling guilt, so I could get back to more responsible eating. Of course that all out eating episode just reminded me how much I loved the freedom of irresponsible eating, despite the physical discomfort.

Before I began to treat low stomach acid, throwing up within an hour or so after eating, especially eating starchy, creamy foods, was NOT at all painful. It came up the same way it went down, because I did NOT have much stomach acid. After I started taking HCl capsules to increase my stomach acid and better digest proteins, that all changed. I also began to experience painful reflux if I consumed foods which relaxed my lower esophageal valve, which keeps food and stomach acid in the STOMACH, rather than allow it to reflux up the esophagus.

My last experience with uncontrollable nausea and vomiting, followed by a week of reflux totally changed my attitude about bingeing and purging. Now I'm scared that consuming alcohol and caffeine can trigger uncontrollable nausea, vomitting, and relentless burning reflux. I also learned that if I don't take HCl capsules with meals, I won't have as much reflux, but I will have horrible bloating and cramping pain as undigested proteins and fats travel through my intestines. Above all I fear overeating which can also cause reflux, as I experienced for 3 days after my first hangover/nausea day. So maybe I think like a normal person now, because I believe: Vomiting is painful and gross. Overeating just facilitates painful reflux. Bingeing is a direct route to discomfort, uncontrollable vomiting and prolonged reflux.

So how do I eat now? Simply 0-5 meals. I wait until I'm obviously hungry. Then I choose a comfortable sized (about a loosely clenched fist) meal of foods which I know will feel good in my stomach, as well as taste good, and leave me feeling satisfied for 4-5 hours afterwards. I've learned over the years which foods actually satisfy me vs. which foods look, smell or even taste good, but leave me feeling unsatified or even uncomfortable an hour later. I've also eliminated all the foods which cause me physical pain either through allergy antibody reactions or simple intolerance (like sorbitol). Hunger/satisfaction eating seems sooo simple now. I look forward to meals, but only eat when I feel hungry. I enjoy the food, but only until I feel satisfied. I know continuing to eat past satisfaction only causes discomfort and possibly reflux. No tasty food is worth that discomfort.

For years I tried to eat like a normal person. One physically painful week dramatically changed my beliefs about overeating, bingeing and throwing up. During that week I only wanted to eat when I was truly hungry, because I didn't know whether I could keep the food down. I also feared eating beyond satisfaction, because I feared reflux from overeating. After I recovered somewhat, so I no longer refluxed, I did overeat on Thanksgiving and at dinner the next day (after I made a great turkey soup and pumpkin ice cream for dessert). However, I had 'practiced' eating only when hungry and stopping when I was satisfied often enough during that physically painful week, that I knew the difference between 'satisfied' and full. I also learned that I preferred 'satisfied'. I preferred feeling comfortable over feeling 'free' to eat as much as I could. I began to value really savoring a few bites of food more than quickly eating many bites of food, which I really didn't enjoy, because I didn't focus on the taste and texture of the food.

Sometime last week I seem to have crossed some kind of invisible line between disordered and 'normal' eating. Maybe everything I learned previously led me to that 'crossing' point. However, I prefer to believe that God answered my prayers and carried me over the chasm between distracted, pain-filled, disordered eating and focussed, enjoyable, responsible eating.