Sunday, March 28, 2010

Paul McKenna's 'I Can Make You Thin'

When I saw this book in my local public library, I forgot that I watched the author's TLC tv series by the same title. I hesitated to open the book, because I disliked the title. The notion that anybody can 'make' anyone else thin seems ridiculous! We choose to eat less and/or exercise more. Nobody can force us to make those choices. Nevertheless, I opened the book and was pleasantly surprised to read the '4 Golden Rules' which were the same guidelines proposed by almost every other intuitive eating book I previously read. So I checked out the book and continued reading.

This book is short--only 7 chapters with few 'success stories' and Q&As for each chapter. The author tells readers why they succeed with his approach in the first chapter. Then he proceeds to explain in detail his approach in the next 6 chapters.

The second chapter introduces those 4 Golden Rules: (1) When you are hungry, eat; (2) Eat what you want, not what you think you should; (3) Eat consciously and enjoy every mouthful; and (4) When you think you are full, stop eating. He later explains that following rule (3) will help you easily follow the other rules. I appreciated his detailed description of the physical sensations and experiences associated with 'fullness', which many IE authors omit. He also includes a memory exercise which teaches readers to mentally 'recalibrate' their inner hunger/fullness signals. So they can recognize those sensations at moderate, rather than extreme, levels. Above all he warns readers to avoid weighing themselves daily and preferably weigh only once every 2 weeks.

The third chapter describes the author's unique technique for implementing the IE guidelines: visualization. Likewise this book contained a CD which was a guided, relaxed visualization exercise. That exercise suggests that the listeners envision themselves at their ideal weight, going through a typical day, following the 4 eating guidelines, and coping with stress effectively without eating. I listened to that visualization CD at least once daily for the past 19 days and noticed immediate changes in my self-talk, eating habits and how I coped with stress. So that CD helped me actually utilize the information this book presents.

The fourth chapter provides solutions for the "number-one reason people eat when they're not hungry (which) is to cover up a negative emotion or fill an emotional hole." I especially like his friend's quotation: "There aren't enough cookies in the world to make you feel loved and whole." The author describes recognizable differences between emotional and physical hunger. More importanly, he states: "Control your response to stress and you will no longer want or need to overeat." Then he describes 2 simple physical techniques which help the reader change how they respond to stress. However, I preferred to use the third visualization technique which he described on the CD.

The fifth chapter described the importance of physical exercise and specific ways to increase motivation to exercise. I didn't gain much from that chapter, because I already love physical exercise. I know that I feel better (less pain, more energy) after exercise. So I have no problem with motivation. I can easily recall how much better exercise makes me feel.

The sixth chapter addresses specific food cravings. These techniques seemed contradictory to golden rule 2 (Eat what you want). However many of the author's clients requested techniques to 'control cravings'. Perhaps suggestions on the CD that the listener will prefer healthier, fresher foods might eventually influence some good food/bad food cravings. I don't consider cravings problematic (I eat what I crave). So I didn't consider the 'craving buster' techniques presented in that chapter. I especially disliked the 'aversive' visualization technique for preventing cravings.

The last chapter about self-sabotage was very helpful. The author discussed how people can sabotage their own weight loss efforts in order to protect themselves from what they believe might happen when they lose weight. Both weight loss and self-protection are positive intentions. So the author explained how to unite those disparate intentions and eliminate that internal struggle and self-sabotage.

When I began reading this book and listening to the CD, I was already at my ideal weight. However, I would like to firm up my muscles and improve my gastrointestinal health. So during the CD visualization exercise, I saw myself at my ideal weight (easy for me) with firm muscles and a healthy body. I have lost almost an inch around my waist (without losing weight) and improved my upper arm muscle tone during the past few weeks. Visualizing myself with a healthier gastrointestinal system helped me get past memories of years of struggling with symptoms of celiac disease, food allergies and various gut infections. I had difficulty believing that I would ever feel well or have normal digestion. This CD helped me convince myself that I could feel healthy and strong again. I've recently noticed improved gastrointestinal health.

I recommend this book and CD for:

(1) Anyone who accepts intuitive eating guidelines, but has difficulty consistently following those.

(2) Anyone who has difficulty believing that they can actually lose weight or improve their health.

(3) Anyone who has a bad body image.

(4) Anyone who consistently sabotages their weight loss or intuitive eating efforts.

I disliked certain techniqes presented in this book. I also noticed and disliked some theoretical inconsistencies, i.e., the author initially suggested one idea and then later presented ideas which conflicted with the intial idea. However, someone, who is familiar with IE guidelines and wants new ways to implement those guidelines, may learn some useful techniques and insights from this book.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

One Day Spring Break

Today was a really warm, spring like day. Seattle weather hitting 70 degrees felt like spring had finally arrived. Fortunately my husband planned to take today off work to watch an online educational presentation. After that late morning presentation, he was free for the rest of the day.

So we played tennis for the first time this year. However I seemed to have forgotten how to even hold the racquet, although we played briefly in Maui last October. Unfortunately, at that time I was taking high doses of vancomycin to treat c-diff. That treatment depleted my good bacteria enough to deplete my vitamin K production. That depletion caused me to bruise very easily. Clapping my hands bruised my palm so badly that I could barely hold the racquet. Then I absentmindedly walked into a metal bench and bruised my shin so badly I could barely walk, much less run. Needless to say I didn't play much tennis during our Maui vacation. Earlier last summer I was so nauseas from taking flagyl for c-diff that I didn't play tennis at all in Seattle.

Despite not having played tennis for so long I eventually started connecting racquet to ball and even continuing long volleys. I wore my biking gloves to protect my palms and fingers from bruising. Although I take lots of probiotics daily, I still can bruise easily. We usually don't play real games with scores during the first few times we play. My husband and I aren't very competitive. We would rather just keep the ball in play and get as much exercise as possible, rather than keeping score. Surprisingly my backhand was as good as my forehand or my forehand was worse than usual, but my backhand was better than usual.

After an hour or so in the warm sun we were hungry and decided to get lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. With my food allergy restrictions I only feel safe at a few local restaurants. I always order the same dish at that Mexican restaurant. That entree gives me enough for 3 meals. So I eat enough to feel satisfied and take home enough for 2 more later meals. In fact, we usually enjoy at least one more meal from restaurant leftovers.

Then we walked home, put our leftovers in the freezer and headed back outside to do some gardening. Because the seeds I planted earlier have come up, I could see where seeds failed to sprout or birds pulled up the tiny seedlings. So we reseeded those areas. We also did some much needed pruning on blueberry bushes, roses and camelias.

Because we had dinner food (meat, vegies, rice and beans with sauce) for lunch, we just had a light meal (supper?) while we watched the "September Issue" netflix about the preparation of one very large issue of Vogue Magazine. I ate a rice tortilla filled with deli turkey and hummus. My husband had a peanut butter and homemade peach jam sandwich. We both had apples for dessert. Afterwards I had another bite of an allergy free fudge sicle ("Sweet Nothings"), because I crave fudgesicles (or any ice cream flavor) on warm days.

The weather gurus predict a couple of rainy days, one warm day, followed by several more rainy days. So I'm glad my husband and I could enjoy today's sunshine. I enjoy simple activities like tennis, restaurant lunches and gardening as much as I enjoy any other activity, at least during sunny days in Seattle.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Geneen Roth's Newest Book

"Women, Food and God" summarizes what Geneen Roth learned from her workshop participants over the past 30 years. I enjoyed reading her descriptions of workshop participants' reactions to her workshop exercises and ideas. While her previous book "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" explains the guidelines to intuitive eating, "Women, Food and God" describes how people resist using those guidelines and how they can use their resistance to learn about themselves and resolve eating problems.

I need to add that my impressions of this book are colored by my perspective: I've read every book Geneen Roth wrote. So I love her ideas and style of writing. I've eaten intuitively for 8 years.I am fairly thin, but want to improve my health and well-being. I'm a Christian, but I'm open to other's concepts of God, religion and spirituality.

As a Christian I was confused about Geneen Roth's concept of God and how that relates to food and eating. Eventually I understood her explanation that people often begin to eat emotionally after they stop believing that they deserve love and goodness in their life. They stop believing in what the concept of God offers and begin to numb their desperation, fears and hopelessness with food.

I especially liked the chapter entitled "Those Who Have Fun and Those Who Don't". Geneen observed from her students that "roughly half of them had never been successful on a diet. They weren't interested in rules or order or being told what to do. They told me about the nether world of glazy-dazy eating uninterrupted by restriction ... It became clear that not all bingeing is dirven by deprivation; in half of emotional eaters, bingeing (or, at the very least, consistent overeating) is a way of life punctuated by sleep, work, time with family."

Then Geneen goes on to differentiate the two most common types of compulsive eaters: permitters and restricters. I'd heard previously about those categories in GR workshop CD. However in this chapter Geneen explains why some people LOVE the 'eat whatever you want' part of intuitive eating but resist 'eat when hungry, mindfully savor each bite and stop when full', while others fear freedom to eat anything but feel safer when they obey hunger, fullness boundaries. Permitters hate rules and boundaries. Restrictors love rules and obundaries. Permitters numb. Restrictors control.

That difference helped me understand why people are drawn to different intuitive eating approaches. Some may LOVE legalizing food ala Overcoming Overeating and Intuitive EAting. Others prefer "Thin Within", "7 Secrets of Slim People" and even Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating", because those books emphasize the importance of obeying guidelines about hunger/fullnes cues and eating mindfully. Yet Geneen emphasizes that we can swing between permitting and resticting, but "both are subtypes of compulsive eating which is the metadefense."

In my opinion the most eye-opening chapter was "It's Not about the Weight and It's not NOT about the Weight". There Geneen says:

"Most people are so glad to read about, hear about and then begin any approach that doesn't focus on weight loss as tits main agenda that they take it to be license to eat without restraint. 'Aha!' they say, 'Let's eat. A lot. Let's not stop.'

"The bottom line, whether you weigh 340 pounds or 150 pounds, is that when you eat when you are not hungry, you are using food as a drug, grappling with boredom or illness or loss or grief or emptiness or loneliness or rejection. Food is only the middleman, the means to the end. Of altering your emotions. Of making yourself numb. Of creating a secondary problm when the orginal problem becomes too uncomfortable."

"Sometimes people will say, 'But I just like the taste of the food ... I overeat because I like food.'

(Geneen responds to those comments by saying:) "When you like something, you pay attention to it ... You want to be present for every second of the rapture. Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love; that's suffering. Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life ... It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way--and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it."

I recommend this book to anyone who knows how to eat intuitively, but still struggles with intuitive eating; to anyone who loves legalizing foods, but resists waiting for hunger before eating and stopping when full; to anyone who has read Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" but still eats emotionally; and especially to anyone who wants to use their struggles with food to improve their lives, health and well-being.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Visualizing Eating Habit Changes

I recently read Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin". Initially I hesitated to open that book, because I believed it was another weight loss diet approach. To my surprise, the author promoted all the intuitive eating principles (eat when hungry, foods you enjoy, stop when full) that I have used for the past 8 years. However, he also presented visualization techniques and includes with his book a CD which describes a relaxed visualization technique, reminiscent of weight loss hypnosis. I really liked his suggestions about visualizing my body at my ideal weight, visualizing myself eating very slowly and savoring each bite, but especially feeling calm in situations where I normally felt stress and wanted to eat to cope with emotions. Those suggestions covered my 3 eating challenges, (1) motivation to practice new habits; (2) believing I can actually eat differently (slowly and focused); and (3) coping with emotional stress without using eating to calm myself.

Above all, Paul McKenna's approach focusses on changing beliefs about eating by encouraging the reader to visualize themselves actually doing something different. However, I didn't previously didn't realize I lacked motivation to change. So I waffled between eating intuitively (only when hungry and stopping when full) and eating to distract myself from emotional pain, because I AM fairly thin. Nevertheless, I realize consistently eating according to hunger/fullness keeps me thin. When I increase my emotional eating, I gain weight or develop other health-related problems (like headaches or candida after bingeing on sugar too often). So visualization can motivate me to continue doing what I know works. Also visualization allows me to practice focussing while I eat and coping with stress without eating, even before I confront food or feelings.

I've listened to the CD visualization exercise for the past 3 days. I noticed that I now prefer to eat without distractions. I'm eating much more slowly. I no longer crave more after I finish my meal. I don't 'need' desserts or something sweet after I feel full. When I'm upset about something, I don't want to eat something or crave specific foods. I feel my emotions and experience sadness, frustration, confusion, or anxiety, rather than hunger. However, I don't feel so overwhelmed by those feelings that I want to eat to distract myself. I recall specific suggestions from the CD addressed situations like eating slowly, focusing on my meal, and feeling calm rather than scared of emotions.

I'm beginning to appreciate the importance of not only visualizing goals, but also visualizing myself practicing specific steps or new habits to reach those goals. I don't endorse all the techniques in Paul McKenna's book. I prefer to acknowledge the source of my emotional stress and challenge the beliefs and self-talk that increase my stress, rather than use the 'tapping' technique. However, the visualization exercises on the CD certainly influenced my attitude and eating habits during the past few days.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Legalizing Childhood Foods

When I began using IE principles 8 years ago, I legalized many foods I previously restricted according to calories or 'unhealthy eating' rules. Most of those foods were desserts or sweet treats. I recall that my mom restricted me from eating sweet foods when I was very young. She believed I was 'getting fat' because I had a bloated (celiac) tummy.

However, my brother and father also teased me about eating starchy foods like breads and potatoes. During the 50s starchy foods were considered 'fattening', rather than fats per se. Maybe fats like butter, etc. were still used as condiments or just totally overlooked as a source of extra calories. Nevertheless, I grew up believing that breads and potatoes were 'fattening' and restricted those when I began dieting during college.

Despite believing that I could eat all foods within hunger/fullness boundaries, I hesitated to eat white potatoes. I knew I loved bread and searched diligently for wheat bread substitutes after my CD diagnosis. Yet I continued to believe that potatoes were a waste of my appetite (calories?) and prefered yams or sweet potatoes. When I was diagnosed with CD I learned to love brown and wild rice varieties. I also tried and loved quinoa and amarath. Yet I continued to avoid corn (except on the cob), peas (except snap peas on salad) and potatoes (except potato salad), which my mom frequently prepared for family dinners.

Recently I began to prefer different kinds of potatoes with certain foods. For instance, I like red potatoes with pork or chicken, yukon gold potatoes with white fish (like basa), russet potatoes only as French fries, but sweet potatoes with anything except beef. As I prepared Yukon gold potatoes for our fish dinner tonight, I realized that I continued to 'restrict' potatoes, after I legalized dessert foods which are less satisfying than potatoes.

After my very satisfying dinner, I recognized that I restricted the vegies that my mother served so often, because I wanted to forget my painful childhood memories and all the foods I associated with traumatic childhood dinners. I STILL don't like mashed potatoes, which my mom often served. However, I LOVE potato salad which she often took to my aunt's house when my aunt bar-be-qued chicken. I associated potato salad with eating with my aunt, uncle and cousins, who all loved me.

Now I wonder what other nutritious, satisfying foods I avoid, because they remind me of my childhood. Maybe I like yukon gold and red potatoes because my mom never served those and my brother and dad never told me I'd get fat from eating those kinds of potatoes. I don't have many pleasant memories of family dinners. I only miss my mom's potato salad. I could certainly make that now, but I can't have the hard boiled sliced eggs (because of egg allergy), which were an integral part of her recipe. Although my mom made my favorite potato salad, I'll still remember my aunt everytime I eat potato salad.

Nevertheless, I plan to reexamine the 'potato' cookbook my husband bought me several years ago. He probably thought buying me a cookbook would make me prepare potatoes more often. Little did he know potatoes triggered painful emotional memories for me. I never knew what I missed by linking painful childhood memories with potentially satisfying foods.

4 Stages of Learning

My minister recently described in his sermon the 4 stages of learning. That description reminded me of how I learned to eat intuitively. Here's the stages and how those related to my intuitive eating journey.:

(1) UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPENTENCE: You don't know how to do something and you don't even recognize that you don't know how. You just struggle. You may not even admit to yourself that you struggle.

I struggled with restricting certain foods, bingeing, purging, but I didn't know how to change my disordered eating habits or fears about food and eating. I didn't even know that my beliefs about food and eating perpetuated my disordered habits.

(2) CONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE: You know that you don't know how to do what you want to do. At this stage you are teachable and open to new ideas and change.

I learned about eating intuitively, according to hunger cues, starting when hungry and stopping when comfortably full. I learned that restricting according to external indices like calories, rather than choosing foods that I enjoyed eating, influenced my rebellious bingeing. I learned that people could actually trust their bodies to tell them when, what and how much to eat. However, I didn't know the exact skills I needed to eat intuitively.

(3) CONSCIOUS COMPENTENCE: You get instructions. By imitation or insights, you consciously do something differently. You practice new skills over and over.

I allowed myself freedom to eat whatever I wanted to taste, but also considered what my body wanted. I imagined how foods would feel in my body when I felt hungry. I practiced waiting until I felt hungry before eating. I practiced eating mindfully, slowly and without distractions, to sense my fullness cues so that I could stop eating when I felt comfortably full. I paid attention to how food felt in my body in order to choose foods that felt good after eating as well as tasted good during eating.

(4) UNCONSCIOUS COMPENTENCE: You don't have to think about using the skills. You just do whatever you learned without thinking.

I'm not completely to this point yet. However, I often forget about eating until I feel hunger cues. I prefer eating without distractions and slowly tasting and savoring each bite. I sense my point of 'enough' and then comfortable fullness. However, I still overeat when I'm distracted by conversation while eating with others. With food restrictions from 7 diagnosed food allergies, I still struggle with feeling free to eat anything. Nevertheless, I try to match the qualities I crave (sweet, sour, warm, cold, chewy, creamy, dry, juicy, etc.) to the foods available within my allergy restrictions. I'm somewhere between stages 3 and 4.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Habit Change Insights

After almost 2 days of eating only when sitting down, this afternoon I struggled with wanting to eat between meals when I was not hungry, but was tired and headachey. I wonder how often I previously 'medicated' my fatigue, headaches or even gut pain with food. Today was especially difficult, because Tylenol would not relieve my sleep deprivation headache. However, I kept my resolve to only eat at meals. I felt like I overate a large vegan salad at dinner. However, I also took 2 probiotics before dinner. Those make me bloat and feel 'full' no matter what or how much I eat.

I looked forward to meals, enjoyed what I ate and noticed when I felt full. I didn't want to eat past full, because I didn't want to make myself uncomfortable. I can understand how only eating at meals helped me previously, easily maintain my weight no matter what I ate.

I'm currently rereading Geneen Roth's chapter "Distracted Eating" in her book "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating". That explains how distracted eating often leads to overeating. I have returned to distracted eating (while watching tv or reading even when I sit to eat) repeatedly. I totally understand how distracted eating makes me feel unsatisfied when I feel full. Feeling unsatisfied makes me consider what additional food might make me feel satisfied. So I often crave and eat sweets, especially low fiber sweets, after I feel full. When I'm fully present as I eat, I don't feel unsatisfied when I feel full.

Above all, limiting my eating to sit down meals (I haven't tried sit down snacks yet) gives me boundaries, which allow me to anticipate and enjoy meals when I'm actually hungry and resist eating when I'm physically uncomfortable from fatigue, headaches, etc. or emotionally uncomfortable. Nevertheless, maintaining that 'sit to eat' boundary will be easier when I'm fully rested and feel physically well.

Digestive Challenges Without HCl

About 2 weeks ago I stopped taking betaine hydrochloride supplements for digestion. Almost immediately I stopped refluxing acid. I still refluxed sometimes, but didn't hurt my throat with the acid burn. The throat irritation and cough slowly decreased. However, I still feel that tickle and cough when I feel tired or cold. Nevertheless, I also immeidately noticed that my stomach digested food much more slowly. So I didn't feel satisfied as soon as previously. I often overate until I realized that eating slowly would give my stomach enough time to digest enough food for me to experience satisfaction or 'fullness'. I suspect those sensations are related to blood sugar stabilization as much as quantity consumed.

Nevertheless I've decided to abstain from all digestive supplements for awhile. I'm tired of taking extra supplements. I suspect my digestion was previously challenged by intestinal problems from celiac disease, food allergies and 6 different intestinal 'bugs' (4 bacteria, one parasite, candida). Maybe, just maybe, my gut can digest what I eat, provided I don't overeat.

I seem to still have enough stomach acid to digest meats, even though high protein meals seem to stay in my stomach for at least 4 hours. I digested proteins and fats more easily and quickly, when I took HCl supplements. However, I don't want to risk continual acid reflux, which can cause esophageal cancer. I worry that insufficent stomach acid allows bad bugs to enter my intestines. So I keep taking daily probiotics to maintain a high good bacteria population and crowd out the bad bugs.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Change One Habit: Sit to Eat

I remember previously blogging about committing to one habit change, but I can't find that post. Maybe I deleted the blog where I posted that comment. However, I remember committing to eat only when sitting, most often at a table or counter (breakfast nook). However that doesn't exclude eating lunch while watching a movie or eating dinner while sitting in the living room watching netflix. Nevertheless, I realize how eating standing up influences my overeating and even bingeing.

When I feel overwhelmed and confused (as I currently feel about my eating habits), I need a simple solution. I don't want to change my whole life style. Furthermore, I have fairly intuitive eating habits most of the time. I eat when hungry, foods I love, focus on the tastes and textures when I eat, and stop when I feel moderately full MOST OF THE TIME.

However, I eat standing up usually when I feel emotional, not physical, hunger. Also I'm influenced by environmental cues, like free food in grocery stores, a specific corner of my kitchen counter, food I'm preparing for a meal, the food in my refrigerator, and even food in my freezer. When I'm not in the kitchen, I never think about eating unless I 'm physically hungry. However, when I only feel slight hunger, entering the kitchen triggers extreme cravings to eat anything tasty and convenient while I prepare the meal. I suspect I developed, 'Pavlovian' response to food samples in stores, preparing food in my kitchen and even opening the refrigerator or freezer. I practiced eating in response to those cues so many times that I believe I'm hungry when I see those stimuli.

Previously I practiced only eating when sitting and experienced fantastic results. I enjoyed the food more when I sat to eat. I felt satisfied by what and how much I ate so that I didn't want more when I finished. I stopped feeling 'hungry' when I prepared food. I resisted all those 'Pavlovian' habit responses long enough to differentiate true physical hunger from environmentally cued cravings. So how, when and why did I resume eating standing up, while preparing food or other times when I responded to environmental cues? I rationalized that:

Normal people don't restrict where they eat.

I'm thin. I can eat anytime and anywhere I want.

Relying on my internal cues of hunger and fullness should limit when, what and how much I eat, without worrying about where I eat.

I can't taste my soups, casseroles, etc. if I won't let myself eat standing up.

I will starve between meals if I can't snack standing up.

I will overeat at my meals if I don't let myself snack standing up between meals.

Here's how I challenge those rationalizations:

My recent bingeing habits were not 'normal eating'. I never binge while sitting down. I almost always binge while standing at the kitchen counter. In order to overcome my 'Pavlovian response' to the kitchen counter, my open refrigerator, etc., I need to practice doing those things there without eating. So choosing to eat sitting down creates a new habit to replace my old stand and binge habit.

I may still be thin. However, I gained 4 pounds, one for each binge, during the past 2 months. When I eat whatever I want without bingeing, I don't gain weight.

Many IE gurus recommend sitting to focus while eating. External cues for eating from my kitchen, refrigerator, meal preparation often seem stronger than my internal hunger/fullness sensations. I'm not limiting where I eat. I'm creating space between urges to eat and actually eating, so I can consider whether I'm actually hungry. Sitting lets me to relax, enjoy eating and focus my stomach cues without distractions of meal preparation or other standing activities.

I can ask my husband to taste what I prepare. Also I can take a small spoonful and sit at the breakfast nook on the other side of the stove while I taste my creation. Walking over to a chair creates enough effort that I won't want to continue tasting many times after I season the food 'to taste'.

When I previously limited eating to meals, I was always surprised at how long meals stayed with me, especially when I ignored external cues to eat.

When I sit, I can eat slowly and focus on how the food tastes, how my stomach feels and whether I feel satisfied. Usually when I focus on all that, I feel bored with eating before I feel moderately full and want to stop eating when I feel full.

So far today I ate 2 sitting meals and resisted tastes and snacks between meals. I enjoyed the food much more because I was actually hungry when I sat to eat. I also felt less environmental cues to eat the longer I resisted tastes and snacks before meals. Rather than lick my fingers or the utensils, I washed the food off my hands and utensils, just as I would do if I were to prepare an allergen.

After writing this post, I realize I'll need to watch my self talk and challenge rationalizations if I want to keep this commitment long enough to extinguish environmental stimuli to eat when I'm not hungry. However, I observed from today's and previous attempts that I did feel less pull from those cues the longer I ignored them and only ate while sitting.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Treading Water with Eating Habits

After receiving encouragent to continue this blog, a post from one reader, realization that one person officially 'follows' this blog, and memories of comments by several others, I realize people do read this blog. So my hesitancy to continue blogging really stems from not wanting to reveal my current eating struggles. After abstaining from bingeing (and purging) for 9 months, I binged twice in January and twice in February. The second episode occurred 3 weeks after the first binge in January. The third and fourth episodes occurred 2 weeks apart. I was able to get back on track the next day and continue to abstain from bingeing for a few weeks before next episode. However, the more I practice bingeing (and purging), the more easily I can rationalize the next binge episode.

The bad news is that I consumed a lot of sugar (frosted cookies) during that last binge. That was enough to make my blood sugar very unstable for about a week afterwards. I experienced hypoglycemic symptoms (headaches, anxiety, lightheadedness, weakness) before I actually experienced stomach hunger all day every day for a week. So I have snacked between meals much more than usual. Fortunately, I maintained my 'moderate fullness' boundary each time I ate. However, I'm struggling to stay afloat. I'm uncertain how to proceed. I can't seem to remember what 'normal eating' is/was for me.

The good news is that I realized how often my binges are driven by emotional eating, rather than deprivation per se. I binge to distract myself from fear of failure at sewing projects, from frustration about almost anything (from sewing projects to gastrointestinal infections), and to procrastinate unpleasant tasks or 'shoulds'. I thought I had resolved 'emotional eating', after completing the 'Food and Feelings Workbook'. Obviously, I still occasionally use bingeing to cope with emotions. That in itself frightens me.