Time to Move On???

I always wondered whether people, who posted on message boards about eating habits, were still struggling with their own disordered habits or whether they had actually 'recovered', ate 'normally' and just wanted to help or encourage people who still struggled. While I moderated a previous board about disordered eating habits, led a 'Temples' group for people with eating issues and later a ThinWithin group at my church, and even when I created my current 'Find Truth Get Free' yahoo board, I still held beliefs which influenced my disordered eating habits of bingeing and purging. When I started FTGF board, I had not binged/purged for about 6 weeks, but I had begun to think differently about those habits. Nevertheless, I still hung onto a few beliefs about food and eating that had previously set me up for inevitable binge/purge episodes.

More recently while I experienced side effects (chronic nausea, lack of appetite, strong metallic taste) from flagyl treatment for c-diff, I realized that I still feared the consequences of eating some non allergen foods. Perhaps because I had undiagnosed health problems (CD, food allergies and most recently bacterial dysbiosis) for so long, I wanted to eat the healthiest foods possible. However, I also learned from food allergy diagnoses that what the food industry and 'healthy eating' gurus considered 'healthy' wasn't always healthy for me (like dairy, eggs, whole wheat and soy). Nevertheless, my longterm struggle with constipation made me believe I should eat more fiber to resolve constipation. Even though I ate LOTS of high fiber foods at every meal and drank lots of liquids, I still suffered constipation for years. Abstaining from food allergies helped somewhat but didn't completely resolve that problem.

Every time I treated a bad gut bug and then took high dose probiotics, I experienced regularity for awhile, before my 'normal' constipation returned. I suspected lack of gut motility, rather than lack of fiber, due to bacterial dysbiosis from bad bacteria, parasites or fungus, cause my constipation problem. My suspicion proved true, after I treated for c-diff with a very strong antibacterial (flagyl), took probiotics during treatment and really high dose probiotics after treatment. For the past 3 weeks I have eaten much less fiber, had absolutely no constipation, and maybe had diarrhea while taking flagyl. I feared that soft stool side effect would disappear like the other flagyl side effects (metallic taste, nausea, etc.). However 11 days later I'm still quite 'regular', cutting back on magnesium and eating much less high fiber foods. Maybe I'm still in my post treatment honeymoon phase. Nevertheless I believe my obsessively sanitary food preparation habits will prevent contracting more 'bad' food born bugs and subsequent constipation from impaired gut motility. Only time will tell ...

So my belief that low fiber or even high glycemic foods were 'bad' for my body was a myth based on advice that I should eat high fiber foods to correct constipation. That belief made me feel guilty when I ate sweets, treats and other foods which were low fiber but high glycemic. So I occasionally bought those foods, ate them initially, but still feared eating them on a regular basis. My fear made them 'forbidden' foods even though I kept them in my house. While I still believed that bingeing was a great way to cope with stress, I regularly (average once a month) binged on those forbidden foods, which I enjoyed, but felt guilty about eating. During my binge, I let myself eat those foods in unlimited quantities. That binge just reinforced my belief that those foods were 'bad' for me, because I overate them. I actually reinforced an all or nothing belief about those foods by either avoiding them or bingeing on them.

When I realized, after flagyl treatment, that my constipation problem was caused more by bacterial dysbiosis, instead of consumption of low fiber foods, I began to see all my non allergenic foods as 'just food'. I also freely ate any food which appealed to me, because nausea and the strong metallic taste from flagyl destroy my appetite and normal stomach hunger signals. I ate low fiber, high glycemic foods regularly, but did not experience constipation or uncontrollable urges to overeat those foods. That experience disproved my fears and fantasies about my 'binge' foods.

My experience with flagyl also changed my beliefs about purging. Rather than consider throwing up a harmless way to cope with discomfort from overeating, I considered throwing up a horrible experience to absolutely avoid. Changing my belief about purging (as a way to compensate for binges) also changed my beliefs about bingeing (as a great way to cope with feeling deprived, overwhelmed or even guilty). Without purging, bingeing would be very uncomfortable. So rather than use self-control to prevent acting on urges to binge and purge, I changed the beliefs that made those habits attractive, viable or reasonable in my mind. Changing those beliefs completely eliminated urges to binge or purge.

I still overeat occasionally, because I'm still learning how to stop eating when I feel comfortably full, but I don't choose to overeat just to distract myself from feelings. I don't fantasize about eating unlimited quantities of forbidden foods. When I occasionally crave a certain food, I consider when and how I want to eat that food, whether as a snack or part of a meal. I try to satisfy those cravings the next time I feel physically hungry.

For the first time in my life (or maybe since age 6 when my mom put me on a weight loss diet) I think like a 'normal eater'. I enjoy cooking food more, because I don't fear overeating while I prepare food. However, I also don't want to spend hours talking about food or posting about eating habits anymore. I would love to share my 'recovery story' to help other people learn how to eat normally. However, I understand how beliefs about food, eating or my body kept me stuck for years in a cycle of overeating, bingeing and purging. So I know how difficult it may be for others to change the beliefs that trigger their disordered eating habits.

I also know how I thought about food and eating in all or nothing terms . So other people may also an have all or nothing perspective about certain foods or habits. Those kind of beliefs may keep them in the 'contemplation' mode of habit change. They know they have a problem, but they just aren't ready to risk change, because their beliefs make them fear the consequences of changing eating habits.

After moderating 2 message boards about disordered eating and leading 2 different eating habit groups at my church, I'm tired of trying to convince people that they can change their beliefs, eating habits and body to become normal eaters, free of previous problem eating habits. I'm tired of telling people that I'm not just one of those 'lucky' thin people who could always eat anything and be thin. I'm tired of trying to help people who want to believe that the food, rather than their beliefs or eating habits, made them gain weight and have difficulty losing weight. I'll just tell people who comment on my weight that I have food allergies which restrict what I can eat. Maybe they relate more to restriction than moderation.

Maybe most people on message boards which discuss Intuitive Eating or any other 'normal eating' practices really want sympathy for their struggles with dieting, extra weight or disordered eating habits. Maybe they fear the consequences of changing the habits which make them overeat or maintain extra weight more than they want to change those habits or lose weight. I know most don't want my unsolicited advice to try what worked for me, even though they say reading my 'recovery story' inspires them.

Maybe by 'inspire' they mean they believe overcoming problem eating habits is possible for SOME people, but not for them. I feel sad when I recognize that certain beliefs or habits keep people stuck in counterproductive habits and irrational attitudes about food, eating and their bodies. However, I no longer have patience to gently, slowly help them find a more logical perspective and change their habits.

I will continue to moderate my Find Truth Get Free board, for the 2-3 active members. However, when those members no longer actively post, I will probably delete another message board. Amazingly I have kept this blog for longer than I kept previous blogs. So I may continue to tell my story for anyone who is interested. Nevertheless, I am less inclined to encourage people to try what worked for me, until or unless they ask.