Feeling Appreciated vs. Feeling Effective

My current ambivalence about moderating or posting on intuitive or normal eating boards reminds me of many previous volunteer leadership experiences. I start every position enthusiastically with the belief "I can do this". However I soon realized my intentions for the group don't quite match the intentions of others in the group. For example, I started a ThinWithin group at my church in order to teach people, who struggled with overweight, TW's approach to 'normal' or nondiet eating. So they could not only lose weight, but lose their obsession with food, eating and their bodies. I soon learned that many group members did not want to change their beliefs or eating habits. They just wanted sympathy for their struggles with weight and dieting. They wanted to vent about, rather than find solutions for, their problems.

Habit change gurus would say they are in the 'contemplation' mode of change, because they know they are unhappy, but they are ambivalent about changing their habits. Nevertheless those group members thanked me for starting and leading the group. I felt appreciated, but not effective. I wasn't doing what I intended to accomplish. I didn't think my efforts made any difference in the lives of the group members.

Now I realize that I can only coax people to view their problems differently. I can't force them to change before they are ready. So why would I choose to lead nondiet groups for people who struggle with weight loss diets? Why would I choose to moderate websites for people who struggle with overeating and overweight? How could I ever feel 'effective' about changing people who are ambivalent about change? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results, then I must be insane to believe I can ever convince people that they can learn to eat 'normally' from hunger/fullness cues, lose weight and maintain their ideal weight like I did.

As I typed that first paragraph, I realized I feel ambivalent about encouraging people who are ambivalent. LOL If they don't know whether they want to change their habits, I don't know whether I want to respond to their posts, encourage them or help them find what works for them to solve their problems. In 'Brief Therapy for Eating Disorders' Barbara McFarland suggests that asking people who feel ambivalent about change to visualize their 'miracle day' to help them realize change is not only possible but within their grasp. However those fanatasies don't convince some people that they could resolve their eating problems.

When I created my FTGF board I stipulated in the board description that members actively seek solutions for their problems. I didn't stipulate that they use intuitive eating or a nondiet approach. Several members really wanted support to follow their restrictive diets, which influenced them to binge occasionally, rather than give up dieting altogether. Eventually I found myself trying to dissuade them from following restrictive diets, which they believed were the only way they could lose weight. I now realize that their goals for themselves were different from my goals for them. Although I initially tried to support their goals, I slipped into telling them what worked best for me, which caused my current frustration.

Maybe my ambivalence is really about wanting to encourage them to work toward nondiet, intuitive eating goals, rather than supporting their efforts to reach their own goals. However, one member's initial stated problem (fantasizing about food) actually was the way she obeyed her very restrictive diet most of the time. Also most board members thanked me for telling them what worked for me (which was intuitive or hunger/fullness eating) even though they were counting calories and restricting certain foods in order to lose weight.

Perhaps my ambivalence stems from a general confusion about everyone's goals. Do they just want to lose weight as quickly as possible and then worry about learning how to eat intuitively after they lose the weight? Or do they want to learn to eat intuitively while they slowly lose the weight? Do they value intuitive eating more or less than weight loss? Some prefer IE and some prefer rapid weight loss with restrictive diets (despite slips).

I think I need to post some questions about: Where are you now (after 2 months of participating on this board)? What was the initial problem eating habit you wanted to change? Have you changed that habit? Have you changed the goal you originally said you wanted to reach? Have you decided to work on a different problem eating habit? Do you believe you can reach your goal or resolve that eating habit? Why or why not?

I realize that this post is full of 'maybes'. LOL So obviously I'm still undecided about what I want to do about my FTGF board. I'll start by asking those 'where are you now?' questions. However, I still hesitate to post on the IE board. One board is enough for me right now.