Letting Go to Move On

Ironically after my previous post about 'Time to Move On???', I read on Karen Koenig's 'Normal Eating' blog her latest post entitled "When to Let Go and Move On". She begins:

"The life skill of knowing when you’ve had enough and it’s time to let go and move on from situations—eating, relationships, jobs, groups and organizations, beliefs—is an essential one. In fact, the more you practice sensing when to let go and move on in non-eating situations, the more you’ll gain competence and confidence with eating just the right amount."

Those comments corroborate my decisions to leave jobs, relationships, retire from my own business, create and delete blogs, and even start, lead or moderate and resign from leading groups or delete message boards. Unfortunately I often wait so long to decide to leave that I feel unhappy, stuck but scared to leave, because I fear disappointing people to whom I freely gave my time for so long. I may no longer receive any benefits or receive less appreciation than complaints and criticism, but I stay in volunteer positions because I don't want to disappoint people, while the position continues to disappoint me.

Karen Koenig's post also said:

"For instance, how long do you stay in a relationship which is unloving or abusive before getting out? How long do you cling to the hope that a parent will love or approve of you when every shred of evidence throughout your life points to the fact that they won’t? How long do you remain in a group (political, religious, sports, therapy, hobby, message board, etc.) when your heart says you’ve outgrown it? How long should you stay in a job you hate? The sense that it’s time to move forward even may hold true with identities, as we shift from being disregulated to more “normal” eaters."

Although I have finally consider myself a 'normal eater', I have to answer Karen's 'How long do you stay ...' question: "TOO LONG." Nevertheless, I'm beginning to hear my heart saying 'enough already', when I consider posting on an 'Intuitive Eating' board, as well as moderating my Find Truth Get Free board. Furthermore, I want to limit my online time. So I have more time this summer for gardening, harvesting and storing produce from my garden, sewing and enjoying summer outings (like biking) with my husband.

I also relate to what Karen said about giving up something:

"My guess is that you generally think of giving up something—food, a person, a group, a geographical location—as a negative thing, something to be avoided ... Your goal should be neither to stay connected nor to disconnect, but to do what is right for you. Leaving food on your plate or not isn’t right or wrong. What matters is whether you are satisfied, ie, did you get the best so that you can now leave the rest ... When things are no longer as good as they were, sure, explore what might be wrong and try some strategies to right them. But when that doesn’t work, consider that the balance has shifted and it’s time for a change."

I wonder whether I should approach my FTGF board differently. I initially began with a brief therapy 'solution oriented' approach. However, the more I noticed that members' solutions for solving their eating problems actually perpetuated their problem habits, the more I wanted to challenge their beliefs about eating, food and their bodies. Especially after I realized that my belief about certain foods influenced my vicious cycle of bingeing on those foods, getting them out of the house, feeling more confident about not bingeing, purchasing some of my former binge foods, occasionally eating those in restricted amounts, feeling stressed enough to want to binge to distract myself from emotional pain, bingeing on my restricted foods, and restarting the whole cycle. I realized my beliefs about those food perpetuated my cycle.

After over 40 years of regular (average once a month) binge/purge episodes, I finally realize what I did to perpetuate those episodes, despite a strong desire to eliminate that habit. So I now try to help FTGF board members see the 'truth' about what perpetuates their habits. However, some members do not want to believe their beliefs perpetuate their habits. They prefer to believe the food makes them binge, rather than they decide to binge and blame the food. So I have become impatient and want to move on or at least minimize how much I post on boards where members talk about 'normal eating' but struggle with habit change.

So I'm encouraged by Karen's comments:

"Disconnection can be scary, but it is necessary and, in the long run, for your own good. Think of how proud you are when you leave half a sandwich on your plate because you’re full or satisfied. The relief you feel when you bow out of an organization because you’re no longer passionate about its mission or don’t care as much about its members ... How right it feels when you know that enough is enough!"

I still feel an obligation to continue moderating my board. However, I suspect that I need to minimize my frustration, but spending less time posting long comments to clarify my viewpoint. Perhaps I can simply ask a few probing questions (which frustate some members of my board but help others). So I need to seriously consider Karen's last paragraph of her post:

"Letting go and moving on is the natural order of life. We have to wave goodbye over here to say hello over there. When you begin to view life as a series of ongoing changes, this process becomes easier. Take a minute and think: where have you been hanging on too long?"

Did I hang on too long to helping others while I was really trying to help myself? Do I really feel connected to and appreciated by members of my board? Or do I feel frustrated and misunderstood as I try to explain my point of view and what helped me change my disordered eating habits? Why do I need to explain my 'recovery process' to anyone? Does telling 'my story' really help someone who doesn't believe they can do what I did? Am I hanging onto a dream of encouraging people who aren't ready to change? Is it time to let go and move on?