Sunday, March 29, 2009

Subjugation Schema

Acccording to Tara Bennett-Goleman, author of "Emotional Alchemy", the SUBJUGATION schema "revolves around the feeling in an intimate relationship that one's own needs never take priority. The other person always rules. The core belief is 'It's always your way, never mine.' ... While people with this pattern give in easily, they build up a hidden resentment that can smolder into anger ... This suppression breeds frustration that can build into rage."

"This schema typically originates in a childhood dominated by controlling parents who give the child no say ... For children whose parents are too powerful and domineering, passivity--the avoidance strategy--keeps at bay the fear of being punished or disapproved of ... Frustration and anger over being trapped or having no autonomy are typical in people with the subjugation schema ... Reactions to being subjugated can (take the form of) rebellion particularly in childhood and adolescence, typically bringing even greater efforts at subjugation by their overbearing parents. Such rebels can become free spirits, hyperreactive to the least sign of being controlled, quick to express anger at those in authority."

"Their main focus is pleasing other people while ignoring their own wants and needs ... This propensity to please others is out of balance: such people are unable to set limits on what's expected of them, and they end up doing far more than their share of the work or doing too many things for others ... Despite (their) easygoing exterior, (they) feel used or controlled, and (they) think that people take advantage of (them)."

"If you see the subjugation schema in yourself, you need to get in touch with your resentment and frustration over being controlled. You need to assert your own wishes and needs. Mindfulness can be a useful tool to help you track the automatic reactions, the anger, and the thoughts primed by the fear that you are being controlled again."

As a small child I regularly rebelled against my mother's dietary restrictions for me, by eating whatever I was forbidden (usually cookies or other sweets), when I was home alone after school. I was not overweight at age 6 when she wanted to put me on a weight loss diet. My pediatrician advised her to just switch my whole milk to skim. However she instituted even more food restrictions. I reacted by regularly sneaking restricted foods and actually gained weight, which made my mother restrict even more foods.

Even more abusive was my mother's habit of giving me enemas when she didn't like the appearance of my stools. Due to undiagnosed dairy allergy I had chronically hard stools. The enemas did nothing to change that condition, but regular enemas made me feel ashamed of my elimination habits for many years afterwards.

As a teenager I rebelled secretly against subjugation, rather than risk further controlling actions by my mom. During my senior year of high school, at least weekly I snuck out my bedroom window late at night, met my boyfriend and returned before sunrise. After hearing my mother repeatedly tell me that she was proud that she kept her virginity until marriage, I slept with my boyfriend regularly that year. I also started smoking during my senior year of high school. Although my mother discovered my smoking habit, she never discovered my late night trysts.

As an adult thoughts about my childhood, how my mother physically and emotionally abused me and how she tried to control everything that went into and/or came out of my body, triggered rage for me. I tried 'forgiveness' exercises to let go of my resentment and rage about how she treated me, but only felt more rage. During most of my adult years I bounced between a logical 'understanding' that she abused me, because she also was abused as a child, to deep sadness as my inner child grieved an abusive childhood.

I still resent anyone who tries to 'control' me. For years I also rebelled against my own attempts to change my eating habits and other behaviors. Only recently did I begin to understand the source of my rebellious nature and begin to openly assert my rights and desires to others.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's me--and I never knew why!! I tried, I went to therapy, I've had 2 failed relationships to prove it. What do I do next????

sue said...

Hi Carol:
I'm soooo glad to read that you identified with my post. I'm amazed that you found that post from March 2009.

Was one of your parents controlling or narsicistic or even abusive? My mom was all 3. My husband's mom was narsicistic but not abusive. She was more passive aggressive than anything. However both my husband had the 'subjugation schema'. We've kinda helped one another overcome those over the years.

Have you read the book "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett Coleman, whom I quoted in that post? She explains how to overcome that 'schema'. If you experienced any childhood abuse, you might also like books by Alice Miller.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unknown said...

This post was very good. Thank you. I'm happy to know that my parents weren't the only crazy ones ;).

sue said...

Reading the book "Emotional Alchemy" would help you understand even more than reading my post.