If I Never Again Binged

I hate the consequences of bingeing and purging. I know that allowing myself to purge gives me permission to binge. Yet part of me holds onto that purging 'option' for when I find myself overeating. Then I can binge to avoid painful emotions or distract myself from physical pain. With one quick 'oh what the heck', a grazing/overeating episode can become a binge/purge episode. I suspect my 'failure schema' thoughts sometimes interpret 'overeating' as 'failure'. So I decide "Oh what the heck, I might just as well binge".

A recent thread on the "Food & Feelings" board discussed "Action and Intent" or why we end up overeating or even bingeing when we intend to eat normally. In her "Confusion" chapter in "Food & Feelings Workbook", Karen Koenig wrote:

"A hallmark of mixed or conflicting feelings is repeatedly saying you want to do one thing, but not doing it, or doing its opposite ... The problem is you're in touch with only one set of emotions, the 'positive' ones (the pros) telling you that it's a healthy move to (for example) ditch the scale (or only eat when hungry, stop when full, etc.). The other set of feelings, which is comprised of your fears (the cons), is hidden out of awareness. When you think about it, there are real reasons you'd be scared to stop weighing yourself: dependence on a number to tell you what and what not to eat, lack of trust that your body can take over the job, fear of getting fat or of no longer being thin."

I recently developed a great exercise, which helped me discover the hidden fears and beliefs which kept me overeating (and sometimes bingeing), when I intended to eat normally and especially stop eating when full. I asked myself what I would miss if I never again binged. Here's what I learned about the 'benefits' of bingeing. (I'll ask myself that same question about purging in another post.)

IF I NEVER AGAIN BINGED, I WOULD MISS ...

'Getting rid of' all the tempting foods, which I enjoy but often overeat;

Procrastinating unpleasant chores;

Freedom to eat as much as I want of anything I want anytime I want;

Standup eating (especially bingeing) at the kitchen counter to entertain myself while I do boring kitchen chores, especially food preparation;

A release from pent up emotions, which I don't want to acknowledge ...

Entertainment on a boring day;

Temporary relief from gas and constipation;

Distraction from guilt about overeating prior to the binge;

Nurturing myself with food, when I feel 'deprived';

The fantasy that my life and physical health will be great after I stop bingeing;

Taking a time out from planned activities as well as painful thoughts and feelings;

Distraction from painful physical symptoms;

Relief from feeling deprived of anything in my life;

Working toward a lifelong goal of normal eating without overeating or bingeing.

(I'll add more items as they occur to me.)

NOTE: I'm not looking for advice about how to change my binge habits. I'm just sharing this list to clarify how I did the exercise. Results of this exercise revealed my unacknowleged 'benefits' of bingeing. So I understood that I often chose short term benefits of bingeing, rather than long term benefits of normal eating. I hope this exercise helps anyone else who wants to honestly acknowledge conflicting feelings which sabotage their intent to eat normally.

My answers to that question suggest that I BELIEVE that bingeing offers relief from negative emotions like boredom, anxiety (esp. fear of failure), frustration, sadness (about 'deprivation') and even hopelessness. (As long as I binge, I can hope for a perfect life after I stop bingeing.) So if I never again binged, I would need to find other ways to cope with painful emotions and perhaps change beliefs that trigger those emotions.

I also BELIEVE (and sometimes observe) that bingeing offers temporary relief from constipation as well as distraction from gastrointestinal discomfort from unknown causes. (Bingeing provides an obvious explanation for gastrointestinal discomfort.) If I never again binged, I may need to reframe my beliefs about ongoing gastrointestinal symptoms. After many years of searching for a cure and only finding solutions to relieve a few symptoms, I may need to consider acceptance. Perhaps my search for a cure for gastrointestinal symptoms is similar to my belief about life without bingeing, i.e., that life will be wonderful if I never again binged or suffered gastrointestinal symptoms. Yet I repeatedly observe that those symptoms persist after 3-6 month periods of abstinence from bingeing.