Deprivation Schema

The author of "Emotional Alchemy", says that the DEPRIVATION schema develops "from a childhood where one or both parents were so self-absorbed ... that they simply did not notice or seem to care much about their child's emotional needs. In adults, the deprivation schema makes people hypersensitive to--and is often triggered by--signs that they are not being noticed or attended to, particularly in their closest relationships."

"The core emotions of the deprivation schema are a deep sadness and hopelessness stemming from the conviction that one will never be understood or cared for ... as adults, people with deprivation schema often feel angry about their needs being ignored. That anger in turn covers an underlying loneliness and sadness."

Some people with deprivation schema can get very angry and resentful attacking anyone who make them feel let down. "No matter how much others give to people with underlying deprivation schema, it never seems to be enough, and so they turn others off with their constant demands ... Or they can become self-indulgent, spending far more than they can afford on themselves or overeating in an attempt to give themselves the nurturance they crave ... They can seem so together than they need no one to care for them ... Sometimes people with deprivation schema gravitate to careers in the helping profession (like) social work, nursing, psychotherapy. When such helping is schema-driven, it can backfire, particularly if they push themselves to do so much that they burn out."

"If you recognize the deprivation schema in yourself, you need to become clearer about how your need for nurturance shapes your relationships ... You can use mindfulness to make behavioral changes ... by starting to communicate your own needs clearly and appropriately to others, or by seeking out partners who are emotionally available."

I recognize my 'deprivation' schema every time I try to stop eating when I feel just comfortably full. I HATE 'depriving' myself of food I enjoy eating. Nevermind that overeating deprives me of comfort after the meal. Understanding that I tried to nurture myself with excess food when I really needed nurturing from significant others or other ways to nurture myself really helped me stop eating more often when I felt satisfied.

Like others with deprivation schema, I chose for my first husband someone who was emotionally unavailable, who seldom revealed his thoughts and more often ignored what I said. For years I felt unappreciated and unloved, despite his expressions of love. Those painful feelings were familiar, because my parents did not nurture me emotionally.

I also realize that I spent a lifetime as a 'helper' (crisis counsellor, teacher, group leader, etc.), while I appeared too strong to need help from anyone else. I regularly 'burned out' and quit helping positions only to assume a new one later. More recently I realized I felt resentful and bitter while leading my Celiac Disease support group, because nobody understood how much I continued to suffer gastrointestinal symptoms. I also gave and did much more than anyone expected, because I didn't know when to stop ... until I felt overworked, angry and resentful. Of course I received empathetic comments when I occasionally shared my struggle, but I never felt supported enough, because my deprivation schema deficit was too big.

Fortunately, before my second marriage I somehow recognized and began to ask for what I needed emotionally. Nevertheless, for many years I still believed on some level "don't bother asking, because nobody cares". I only now see how that affected my eating habits as I overindulged in food to make up for what I missed in intimate relationships.