Thoughts about Recovery

Today marks 24 weeks since the last time I binged and purged. Not quite 6 months, 24 weeks is the longest period I previously abstained from those binge/purge habits until this year. During the year when I previously abstained 24 weeks, I binge/purged 44 times before and after my long abstinence period. 3 years later I binged/purged 50% less often (19x). Then I continued to average 1-2x a month, until this year when I binge/purged 3x before I began the 24 week abstinence. I know I won't use those habits any more, because I strongly dislike eating to the point of discomfort and can't stand throwing up. Does that mean I 'recovered' from bulimia?

I also dislike assigning disease sounding labels to symptoms, like 'IBS' for bloating, irregularity and gut pain. Likewise I dislike assigning disease sounding labels to habits like bingeing and purging. Labeling those habits with a disease sounding name implies that the person using those habits is not responsible for their behavior, because they have a 'disease'. I believe that the only true diseases are caused by viruses, bacteria, parasites or fungus. All other medical conditions are just that ... 'conditions' caused by lifestyle habits. Likewise many mental health 'disease' labels are assigned to counterproductive thinking and believe habits. Many of those 'labels' were created by drug companies in order to market their drugs to treat those symptoms and thinking processes. For example the term "IBS" was created to market Zelnorm. The term 'social anxiety disorder' was created to market Paxil as an antianxiety drug, rather than just an SSRI like Prozac. So I never really liked the term 'bulimia', even though I used habits characteristic of that mental health 'label'. I always believed I used those habits because I didn't know other ways to get what those habits gave me.

So I could stop bingeing and purging after I realized how I could get what I believed bingeing and purging gave me. For example bingeing allowed me to eat whatever I wanted. Purging allowed me to binge without feeling guilty and then relieve the discomfort of gross overeating. When I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted in comfortable portions, I no longer needed to binge or purge. Of course, I still sometimes felt guilty when I overate, but I didn't let that guilt overwhelm me with fear so that purging seemed like the only solution. I changed how I thought about bingeing or purging. I didn't need to take a drug to change how I thought. Perhaps the right therapist could have helped me change my beliefs or thought patterns to eliminate my binge/purge habits. However, I didn't encounter a cognitive behavioral therapist when I was seeking therapy to overcome those habits. I later read about CBT in various books and slowly used that approach to change my counterproductive beliefs about eating.

I don't miss bingeing and purging. However, I feel a bit disappointed that my life did not change dramatically after I eliminated those habits. Perhaps I believed all those eating disorder recovery suggestions that recovering from (eliminating) disordered eating habits would greatly improve my life. Perhaps I made recovery oriented changes before my 24 week abstinence. Perhaps those changes in my thinking and behavior facilitated that abstinence. Nevertheless, I still struggle with a few extra pounds (which I recently gained while taking meds to treat c-diff). I still feel guilty when I overeat, probably because I want to lose 3 pounds. Perhaps, if I didn't plan to wear a bikini on Maui beaches 4 weeks from today, I might not worry about the extra weight (or extra inches around my waist or loose skin hanging from my upper arms). Does my desire to lose 3 pounds and firm my upper arms mean I still have an 'eating disorder'? In this culture, those may be normal desires for someone planning a warm climate vacation.

During that previous year when I abstained from bingeing and purging for 24 weeks, I believed that eliminating those disordered eating habits would relieve my ongoing gut symptoms (bloating, gas, irregularity, cramping pain). Several ED 'experts' claimed that bingeing and purging caused those symptoms. 5 years later I learned that I actually had celiac disease, food allergies and bacterial infections in my gut, which caused those symptoms. Ironically an ED website claims that ED habits cause celiac disease! However, I now know that accidental ingestion of my allergens as well as bacterial, parasitic or fungal gut infections can cause uncomfortable symptoms no matter how long I abstain from bingeing and purging.

So how did eliminating binge/purge habits change my life? Most of all, I trust myself. I know I won't intentionally harm my body in a moment of despair or hopelessness. Of course learning to abstain from gluten, dairy, soy, eggs, cane sugar, vanilla and nutmeg gave me the confidence that I can consistently choose foods which will nourish, rather than harm, my body. Likewise learning to stop eating when I feel any discomfort, rather than continuing to eat until I'm so full that I naturally reflux (I never forced myself to throw up), proved that I can trust myself not to harm my body. Furthermore, resisting throwing up to relieve nausea, when I felt nauseas all day for 17 days while taking flagyl to treat c-diff, proved that I won't use extreme measures to cope with discomfort.

I wish I could say that abstaining from disordered eating habits positively transformed my body and my life. However the reality is that eliminating disordered eating habits freed me to deal with underlying problems (food allergies and bacterial dysbiosis) which made binge/purge habits appeal to me. Eliminating those habits freed me to cope with the problems I tried to escape when I binged. Changing the thought patterns that rationalized bingeing and purging gave me the confidence that I can logically resolve other problems and situations in my life as they occur.