Rebellion or Boredom?

Whenever I decide to do or eat something different, I eventually tire of that action or food. I also dislike following rules dictated by other people. I prefer choice and variety in my actions and food. Am I rebellious or easily bored?

For example, I used to LOVE my allergy free ice cream, especially after allergy diagnoses precluded me from eating ice cream brands. When I discovered store bought (coconut milk based) allergen free ice cream, I bought and ate that regularly. I even binge ate whole pints occasionally. Then during flagyl treatment, I often ate ice cream to offset the metallic taste of flagyl and relieve nausea. Eventually I began to associate my favorite ice cream flavors with that horrible metallic flagyl aftertaste. Later I was advised to take vancomycin with high fat foods 4x daily. So I decided to take my last late night vanco dose with a few bites of ice cream. Eventually I realized I could take the vanco with a large glass of water and no food. Now I'm relieved that I don't have to eat before bed (when I'm still full from dinner) and I don't have to eat ice cream. Maybe I will crave ice cream when I'm in Maui and can't buy my allergen free brand locally. However, for now, I have absolutely no cravings for ice cream, maybe because I associate it with taking medication, rather than a delicious treat.

Likewise I had to stay up late enough to space my last vanco dose 4-5 hours after dinner. As the days became shorter and darker much earlier, I felt tired enough to go to bed at 9pm. However I often had to stay up until after 11 pm to take my vanco 4hours after dinner. Now I'm taking vanco 2x a day, 10am and 10pm. So I'm very relieved to take that last dose much earlier and get to sleep earlier. I suspect my wake/sleep cycle is affected by daylight. Ironically I used to habitually stay up until 11pm or later. Even though I believed I needed the sleep, I stayed awake reading or watching tv. Now I feel soooo relieved to take that last vanco earlier so I can get to bed even earlier, because I don't HAVE to stay up to take a pill.

Amazingly Karen Koenig (author of "Rules of Normal Eating") posted on her blog today an article entitled "Are You a Rebel Without a Cause?" Some of her comments totally nailed my behavior. She said:

"If you want to become a “normal” eater, you have to/must/need to ditch your rebellious attitude. Got to do it. Unless you’re living with someone who is trying to control your eating (and, why, as an adult with free choice, would you choose to live with this kind of person?), your thoughts of, “He can’t make me eat healthy,” “I’ll show her, I'll do what I want," ... are empty threats made to no one about nothing. If you’re still acting out your anger at parents who were controlling, dominating, rigid and manipulative, it’s time to let it go and move on ... Doing what people want you to do and doing the opposite of what they want you to do both back you into a corner. Automatically rebelling—You can’t make me, and I’ll do whatever I want—robs you of the chance to make wise decisions. It keeps you childlike and stuck in childish behaviors."

I realize that as a child I disliked my mom's efforts to control everything I did and was. I did not openly rebel as a child, because my mom also physically abused me. I feared corporal punishment for open rebellion. So I learned to rebel surreptiously, like sneak eating cookies after school when nobody was home, because she forbade me to eat sweets or anything between meals. As a high school senior I also climbed out my bedroom window to meet my boyfriend for late night trysts. My mom suspected I ate the cookies, but she never discovered my late night trysts.

Ironically I even rebel against rules I create for myself. Perhaps I just don't like boredom with food or activities. However, I suspect I dislike loss of choice. I prefer moment to moment freedom to decide what I want to do, say, eat, wear, etc. So when I want to create a new habit or eliminate an old one, I need to totally convince myself that I CHOOSE that habit change for positive reasons or benefits, rather than fear of negative consequences.

Karen Koenig also mentions adolescent rebellion in her blog post:

"Maturity means not making decisions solely to please or piss off other people. Anything else is immature reaction. Adolescence is full of rebellion because the goal of this developmental stage is to separate from parents. Teens push and pull to be unlike parents to move through this phase and individuate to become emotionally independent adults. Unless you’re an adolescent, if you’re still sabotaging your eating or weight because you don’t want to give someone the satisfaction of doing what they want or making them right, you are psychologically stuck. Now it’s time to define what’s right for you—no matter what anyone else thinks. Remember, you’ll be doing it because you want to, not because they want you to. Therein lies the (very big) difference."

Do I still rebel against control, when I resist making beneficial changes in my behaviors? More precisely can I choose to change habits without feeling controlled? After I choose to change habits, I often I slip back into older, comfortable, more practiced behaviors. Does that mean that I am rebelling against my mom's control during my childhood? Or does slipping back into old behaviors just mean I need to consciously practice the new behaviors until they become 'comfortable' and automatic?

I could find hidden psychological reasons for everything I do or don't do. However I might more easily change my behaviors by simply staying aware of my choice to change. According to eating disorder therapists my abusive childhood gave me psychological reasons to continue bingeing and purging. However, I realized those habits no longer served me as an adult. So I successfully replace those habits with more effective ways of coping with emotions and physical problems. As Karen Koenig emphasizes in her recent blog post, it's time to decide what's right for me, no matter what anyone else says or ever said to me about my choices.