Birthday/Pity Party

Tomorrow is my birthday. Instead of having a birthday party, I may have a pity party. I don't want cake and ice cream, because I easily reflux very sweet foods, even if I have allergen free cake and ice cream. The caprylic acid, which I take for my current bacterial infection, makes me more susceptible to reflux. I don't want to shop for new clothes, which I usually love, because caprylic acid causes bloating and cramping gut pain. So I will won't feel comfortable in anything except a burlap bag or maybe maternity clothes. I don't want to attend a special event for my birthday, because I can't predict how much time I need to spend in the bathroom. I don't want to go out to eat, because (1) I have to negotiate at least a day in advance with chefs, managers and waiters to provide an allergy free meal so that I don't get even more pain from allergen reactions; (2) I hurt after I eat almost anything; and (3) I have to take my caprylic acid and probiotics with meals, which make me bloated, gassy and embarrassed in public.

If I could have anything for my birthday, I'd like a new, healthy gastrointestinal system which doesn't have celiac disease, 7 food allergens, sensitivities to foods which cause reflux (like caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, onions, sugar, fats, tomato based foods and citrus fruit), sensitivities to artificial sweeteners, and susceptibilty to one gut infection (bacterial or parasitic or yeast) after another. I'd like one day when I could eat anything without experiencing bloat, gas, cramping pain or reflux that makes me want to give in and throw up. I'd like to just eat when I feel hungry, enjoy the food until I feel full and stop eating and then not feel anything in my body until the next time I feel hungry. I'd like a day when I don't feel anything in my intestines until I have to 'go' and then nothing after I go until I need to 'go' again. I'd like to experience normal, healthy digestion, even if I have to avoid food allergens, for just one day.

I'd like to invite anyone who reads this to my birthday/pity party. At this point I don't know whether I will celebrate my birthday or wallow in self-pity, because I'm soooo tired of gastrointestinal problems despite abstaining from food allergens and treating gut infections for the past 5 years. The good news is that I finally learned, after struggling with 'eating' problems for over 35 years, that I didn't have anorexia, when I delayed eating to avoid pain. I didn't have bulimia, when I threw up, after some foods caused horrible reflux and others just caused pain. I didn't have a binge eating disorder, when I binged on all the foods that tasted good but caused painful digestive problems. Maybe I can celebrate the fact that I have a gastrointestinal disorder, rather than an eating disorder.