I Don't Relate to Any Group

The ThinWithin community message board finally approved my registration. So I'm allowed to post there and receive replies to my posts. However after reading posts by other members who struggle with overweight, diagnoses of food allergies which they question, and anorexia, I doubt any TW member can relate to my situation, but I may be wrong. I just feel very isolated right now. I value TW principles and intend to apply them to my eating and renewed relationship to God. However I'm neither a newcomer to TW nor a recognized longterm member (I left over 4 years ago.) I thoroughly worked through all the TW workbooks and TW books the first time around. I led a TW support group and taught the material over 2 years. I didn't regain a lot of weight after I left TW. I didn't resume frequent bingeing and purging. I still averaged 1-2 episodes a month. However, I did neglect my relationship with God. I slowly stopped daily prayer and Bible study. I didn't see my CD and food allergy diagnoses as answered prayer (about why I suffered so much gastro pain). I was angry, because I previously believed I caused those symptoms with my disordered eating and now wanted to believe that my food allergies caused my disordered eating. So my relationship with God changed as I threw myself into celiac research and group leadership.

However, I couldn't completely relate to most celiacs in my group or to online CD support groups. I felt grateful to learn what caused my symptoms and I gladly abstained from gluten, then dairy, then soy, then each of my other diagnosed allergies. I wanted to eliminate anything that caused pain. I didn't feel sorry for myself, like many newly diagnosed celiacs, because I had to abstain from gluten containing foods. However the pain and impaired digestive symptoms continued even after I abstained from all 7 allergies and was treated for bacterial imbalances, fungus, a parasite and hypochloridia. Few of my CD support group members could relate to all my dietary restrictions. Actually most believed that I 'had it all figured out', because I led the group. They believed I should have all the answers and sympathy for them, because they were newly diagnosed, even though I assumed leadership only a year after my diagnosis. Above all, many CD group members either dieted to lose weight or ate gluten free 'junk food' to regain weight they lost before diagnosis. Members who didn't have additional food allergies restricted foods to avoid excess calories. Most couldn't imagine eating only when hungry and stopping when satisfied.

As I forgot what TW taught about seeking God's comfort and guidance when I felt stressed, I saw myself bingeing more often to cope with stress. Rather than return to TW which taught me about God's grace, I read books about normal eating and completed a 'Food & Feelings Workbook', which taught me more effective ways (than eating) to cope with feelings. So I knew how to change beliefs that motivated me to use food to cope and I knew more effective ways to cope with feelings. However, I didn't feel motivated to replace bingeing with better coping habits, because I was not overweight. Eating responsibly most of the time, exercising daily and purging after binges possibly prevented weight gain. So I didn't relate to many members of the Food & Feelings board who wanted to change how they coped with feelings so that they could lose weight. I was thin and had been thin for over 40 years. I didn't believe a monthly binge/purge episode was that harmful.

However, my gastrointestinal symptoms persisted despite abstinence from allergens and treatment for other gastro problems. I can only conclude that occasional binge eating and purging does disrupt my gastrointestinal system enough to perpetuate those symptoms. So here I am an ex-TW member and support group leader, an ex-celiac support group leader and reluctant member of the Food & Feelings board who doesn't seem to fit into any of those groups. Hence, I'm writing this blog to sort out fact from fiction, truth from fantasy, honesty from self-delusion. By God's grace, His presence, power and provision, I believe I will eventually understand and resolve my gastrointestinal and faith related challenges.