Change of Heart

After a series of comments in response to a friend's blog (thanks again, Heidi!), I realized that my current symptoms cause me more emotional pain than physical pain. (I'm more disillusioned because I still have symptoms, than suffering from severe physical pain.) I want these symptoms to end yesterday, but I ignore all the progress I have made over the past 4+ years. The symptoms I currently experience are nowhere near as painful as I suffered before my CD or food allergy diagnoses. Although I disliked enduring side effects of caprylic acid and nystatin, I felt pain free and nausea free (until today) after I finished those treatments. Now I wonder if overeating at breakfast and lunch caused my nausea. I have been ignoring satisfaction cues lately, because ... well, I'm not certain why, except maybe I'm trying to comfort myself emotionally by rebelling against what I viewed as 'restriction' (stopping before I felt uncomfortably full), rather than view stopping at 'enough' a logical way to prevent discomfort.

Anyway I realize I have dealt with (or treated) many of the gastrointestinal issues that caused painful symptoms during the past few years. I'm not completely 'normal' or 'regular', but I'm certainly not suffering like I did previously. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience. He has answered my prayers for healing, not all at once, but one diagnosis at a time and sometimes 2 after allergy tests. Maybe I need to focus on gratitude. I'm certainly healthier than many women my age. I have a very treatable disease, although most doctors may misdiagnose or treat only CD symptoms without ever looking for the cause. That condition has forced me to choose foods that nourish my body, not just taste good in my mouth. (Gluten and dairy tasted wonderful, before I learned they caused painful reactions.) Even though I disliked the side effects of antifungal treatment, doing that treatment immediately after eating moldy food may have prevented a much worse condition.

So this pity party is winding down. I intend to eat mindfully (according to hunger/satisfaction) at my next meal. I recently reread some of Susie Orbach's "On Eating" and I enjoy her simple, straight forward nuggets of wisdom about enjoying food while eating in a way that nourishes, rather than abuses my body. However, I only need to think about eating when I'm hungry and/or enjoying a meal. I DO have a life outside of eating. LOL I want to resume sewing. I need to alter several garments. I have not begun garments I planned to sew after the holidays. Nevertheless, I will share how eating mindfully helps my physical recovery in future posts.