Changing Beliefs, Changing Habits Part 3

I grouped the following beliefs together, because my experience with food allergies taught me that what I believed about the food, not the food itself, influenced my binges. After each irrational belief I will describe what helped me change that belief and/or list my new belief.

IB Eating certain foods will make me binge.

After I learned which foods caused painful allergic or celiac reactions, I easily abstained from those foods. I wanted to believe my allergy foods had 'triggered' my binges. So I believed abstaining from those foods would eliminate my binges. After I began to binge on non allergic or 'safe' foods, I considered whether my BELIEFS about those foods, rather than the specific foods, motivated my binges. For example, I believed certain 'binge' foods were 'safe', but also less nutritional than other foods. So I felt conflicted about whether I 'should' eat those tasty, safe, but less nutritional foods. That conflict influenced me to sometimes binge and sometimes responsibly eat those foods. So my new belief became: My BELIEFS about certain foods influence my choice to binge on those foods.

IB I can't keep my 'binge foods' in the house, because I will always overeat or binge eat them.

Because the presence of certain foods doesn't make me binge, I can choose whether or not to eat any food responsibly. So my new belief became: I can CHOOSE to either abstain from a food or responsibly eat that food when I'm hungry and stop eating when I feel satisfied.

IB I binge, because I am bulimic.

Labels like 'bulimia', 'anorexia', 'binge eating disorder', or 'orthorexia' only describe symptoms or behaviors. Those labels do not explain why someone chooses those behaviors or how to change those behaviors. Those labels may be useful for mental health center billing purposes. However those labels don't help individuals change their disordered eating habits. So my new belief is: I binge because (1) I will not allow myself to eat certain foods 'normally' (within the boundaries of hunger and satisfaction), or (2) I choose to ignore physical hunger/satisfaction cues in order to comfort myself or distract myself from painful emotions or (3) I want to reward myself by eating my 'forbidden' foods when I feel deprived.

IB I binge because I have food allergies (which I believed until I started bingeing on my 'safe' or nonallergenic foods).

As mentioned under "Eating certain foods make me binge", after I was diagnosed with food allergies, I easily abstained from those foods, because I was so glad to learn what caused my gut pain and how to prevent that pain. I read theories about food allergies causing cravings and binge eating and believed I would never binge again UNTIL I started bingeing on my 'safe' nonallergen dessert foods. Then I realized what I BELIEVED about the foods, not the ingredients of the foods, influenced my decision to binge. If I believed the foods caused pain, I could easily abstain. If I could eat a food without painful reactions, but I believed the food was NOT as healthy as other foods, I went back and forth about whether I 'should' eat the food or whether I should eat a 'healthier' food than the one I wanted. Those conflicting feelings made me sometimes eat those foods moderately, sometimes binge on them after feeling guilty about wanting to eat an unhealthy food, and sometimes abstain from them (especially after I binge ate all of the food and didn't buy more). So my new belief became: My BELEIFS about certain foods influence me to binge eat those foods.

IB I must eat low calorie foods to compensate for regular binges during which I eat waaay too many calories.

Eating low calorie foods may not satisfy my hunger or keep me unhungry very long. Then I may overeat those foods in order to get enough nutrition to feel satisfied. That overeating can feel so uncomfortably that I may continue to overeat to distract myself from the discomfort or guilt about overeating. So restricting myself to 'low calorie' foods can backfire, because I may consume even great amounts (and more total calories) from low calorie foods, than I would consume with a smaller amount of higher calorie or high fat foods. Feeling unsatisfied or chronically hungry after eating only low calorie foods can also influence future binges. So my new belief is: Rather than try to compensate for overeating or bingeing, choosing to eat foods that will satisfy my hunger and keep me unhungry for long periods will prevent future binges.

In my next post I will list my irrational beliefs about purging and bingeing followed by purging and describe how I replaced those beliefs.

Changing Beliefs, Changing Habits Part 2

As mentioned in my previous post, I will describe how I changed my irrational beliefs and list more logical beliefs which replace those irrational beliefs in this post. Rather than force the reader to flip back and forth between the 2 posts to match irrational beliefs and 'replacement' rational beliefs, I will list all the irrational beliefs preceded by 'IR' and then follow each belief with a comment about how I replaced the belief and the new more rational belief (in bold type).

IR I must avoid eating certain foods in order to lose weight and/or maintain my ideal weight.

I learned at a church sponsored class that I could eat ANY food I wanted between the boundaries of hunger and comfortable fullness, which I did during that class, and still lost weight. After my food allergy diagnoses I learned to abstain from any food that caused painful allergic reactions. So my new rational belief is: I can eat any food between the boundaries of hunger and satisfaction and still maintain my ideal weight, but I choose to avoid foods that cause painful reactions.

IB I must exercise every day if I don't want to regain all the weight I lost (at age 20).

I observed after surgery which required complete bedrest and eating every 4 hours before taking meds that I could lose weight with no exercise. My ratioinal belief became: My body will require less food if I exercise less. So I can maintain my ideal weight by eating according to my body's hunger/fullness cues.

IB I must avoid snacking between meals, because snacks always turn into binges.

That belief is similar to "I must avoid between meal snacks, because I will 'spoil my appetite for the next meal." I suspect guilt about 'ruining my appetite' influences my decision to keep snacking to distract myself from guilt. HOWEVER, When I obey my hunger/satisfaction cues, I can easily eat just enough of a snack to satisfy hunger for the moment and still feel hungry again for a planned meal.

IB If I eat too much while snacking, I might just as well binge to get rid of any tempting foods so I won't snack again.

If I feel too full after a snack, I can either delay the next meal until I feel physically hungry or eat much less at the next meal so that I don't feel stuffed.

IB Once I start overeating, I might just as well binge (the 'oh what the heck' response) and get it over with.

Every bite is another decision point, when I can stop eating, put the food away and let my body digest the food. I don't have to binge or purge to 'undo' overeating, because my body will digest even excess food eventually.

That's enough for now. In my next post I'll list my irrational beliefs about stopping when I feel physically full or satisfied and bingeing and my new 'replacement' logical beliefs.

Changing Beliefs, Changing Habits Part 1

As I reviewed my 'binge' history on my calendar, I saw months when my total episodes decreased or increased. During the year my total episodes decreased by more than 50%I learned to trust my body to tell me when and how much to eat. During a later year I realized that my body had also told me WHAT to eat with painful symptoms. A few years later I learned to resist binges by acknowledging and coping with negative feelings. Later I realized I put myself into situations or volunteered for roles which triggered long unresolved childhood beliefs.

I now recognize that each time I decreased my binge frequency, I confronted and changed my basic beliefs about myself (including my body), life and relationships. So I will list in this post the irrational beliefs (many are food or eating beliefs)which influenced my binge/purge habits. In order to change those habits, I acknowledged, challenged and changed those beliefs. In a later post, I will also list the more rational beliefs (RB) which replaced my irrational beliefs. Here are irrational beliefs which influenced my binge/purge habits for many years:

I must avoid eating certain foods in order to lose weight and/or maintain my ideal weight. (A related, but nonfood belief follows:)

I must exercise every day if I don't want to regain all the weight I lost (at age 20).

Eating certain foods will make me binge.

I must avoid snacking between meals, because snacks always turn into binges.

If I eat too much while snacking, I might just as well binge to get rid of any tempting foods so I won't snack again.

Once I start overeating, I might just as well binge (the 'oh what the heck' response) and get it over with.

I can't keep my 'binge foods' in the house, because I will always overeat or binge eat them.

Once I start overeating, I might just as well binge (the 'oh what the heck' response) and get it over with.

I must eat low calorie foods to compensate for regular binges during which I eat waaay too many calories.

I binge, because I am bulimic.(I replaced that with the next belief.)

I binge because I have food allergies (which I believed until I started bingeing on my 'safe' or nonallergenic foods).

Once I start bingeing I can't stop until I binge enough to purge.

Purging will eliminate the 'binge' calories.

If I feel uncomfortable from indigestion or nausea (after eating a moderate amount of food), I might just as well binge so I can purge and 'get rid of' whatever caused the nausea or stop digestive pain.

Purging won't hurt me as much as bingeing without purging.

Bingeing and purging are shameful habits, which I must never reveal.

Bingeing and purging cause my painful gastrointestinal symptoms.

AFTER I LEARNED TO EAT ONLY WHEN I WAS PHYSICALLY HUNGRY AND STOP EATING WHEN I FELT SATISFIED, THE FOLLOWING BELIEFS MADE ME RESIST STOPPING WHEN I FELT 'SATISFIED':

If I stop eating when I feel 'satisfied' or comfortably full, I will feel 'deprived', esp. if I don't eat dessert, which will make me binge later.

If I stop eating when I feel 'satisfied' or comfortably full, I will get hungry between meals, start snacking and then binge. (The next belief is similar:)

If I snack between meals, I won't feel hungry for a scheduled meal with my husband. So I will eat when I'm not hungry, which will make me overeat at that meal.

If I stop eating when I feel satisfied or comfortably full, I will get low blood sugar symptoms before the next meal, feel desperate to eat and either binge or overeat at the next meal.

AFTER I LEARNED THAT I BINGED TO COPE WITH PAINFUL EMOTIONS, I BELIEVED:

I can't control how I react to events of my life--stress happens.

I can't control when I binge, because I can't control what will happen to me.

I can resist bingeing if I only experience a couple of stressful situations, but I will always binge when I feel overwhelmed by physical pain and emotional stress.

I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN A FEW OF MY IRRATIONAL BELIEFS, BUT WILL ADD THEM AS I REMEMBER.

My next post will list the corresponding 'rational' or logical beliefs with which I replaced the irrational beliefs listed in this post.

Binge/Purge History

During the past 10 years I tracked on my calendar each day I had a binge/purge episode. Over the years those episodes had decreased to once a day. So each day usually represents only one episode. Besides tracking yearly total days, I also tracked long abstinence periods between episodes. The longest abstinence period (24 weeks or almost 6 months) ironically occured during the year I had the most b/p episodes.

I also noticed that my total yearly binge/purge (b/p) days decreased by over half during 2002, when I learned to eat only when I was physiologically hungry and stop eating when I was satisfied or comfortably full. Although each subsequent year's total decreased, the lowest yearly total occurred 2 years after my diagnoses of celiac disease and several food allergies as well as treatment for bacterial dysbiosis (bad bacteria which caused cramping pains and bloating in my gut). So I may have used b/p to cope with physiological symptoms (of nausea, bloating and cramping) from undiagnosed CD, food allergies, indigestion and intestinal problems.

Unfortunately the yearly totals increased a little during 2007, possibly because I continued to battle another intestinal bacteria, then a fungus and a parasite. The treatment side effects for those 'critters' caused as much discomfort (bloating and nausea) as the 'bugs' themselves. So I suspect I again used my binge/purge habit to distract myself from the discomfort from treatment as well as general hopelessness about recovery from symptoms. Perhaps the 2008 total was less than 2007, because I learned to cope with negative emotions without using my b/p habit.

So far this year (2009) I have binged 3 times in 4 months. Continuing at that rate will make this year's total the lowest yet. However, there's much more to my 'history' than the numbers would suggest. Nevertheless, reviewing my b/p history and recalling what influenced decreased yearly totals during recent years gives me even greater hope that I have now learned to cope with life without using my b/p habit. I'll describe in a new post the beliefs I confronted and changed during that learning process.

Being Human Rules

Many years ago I saw in the restroom of a gallery, where I sold my paintings, the following list of "Rules for Being Human". Perhaps you also read those rules somewhere in the past. Nevertheless, those rules inspired me so much that I want to share with anyone who reads this.

RULES FOR BEING HUMAN (author unknown)

(1) You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live. How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life.

(2) You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time school called Life. Each day you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know. The lessons presented are often completely different from those you THINK you need.

(3) There are no mistakes -- only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. You can learn as much from failure as you can from success.

(4) A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and behavior), then you can go on to the next lesson.

(5) Learning lessons does not end. There is no stage of life that does not contain some lesssons. As long as you live, there will be something more to learn.

(6) "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will obtain another "there" that will again look better than your "here". Don't be fooled by believing that the unattainable is better than what you have.

(7) Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.

(8) What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. Remember that through desire, goal-setting and unflagging effort, you can have anything you want. Persistence is the key to success.

(9) The answers lie within you. The solutions to all of life's problems lie within your grasp. All you need to do is ask, look, listen and trust.

(10) You will forget all this. Unless you consistently stay focused on the goals you have set for yourself, everything you've just read won't mean a thing.

One Week Later

Surprise, surprise ... I actually like my hair now. What changed my perspective? 1/8" of additional length on the too short sides and back edges, finding lots of cute hats from previous 'too short' cut experiences, 6 days of styling my hair my way, 6 days of getting 'used' to seeing myself in shorter hair, and above all a few warmer weather days, which make short hair seem appropriate, rather than silly. I also realized that in my facebook photo (of me in Maui) I have the same style and almost the same length.

In one week I went from wanting to hide from everyone to wanting to wear chic spring outfits with my flattering short hair cut. So maybe the weather most influenced my change of heart. Nevertheless I still bought another cute hat during today's shopping trip. I needed a red cap to match my red scarf, which goes with my red/black/blue plaid bomber jacket and black short trench coat. I love red and black together, especially with red next to my face to prevent the black garment from draining all the color from my face. Instead of draining my color, red makes me look healthy and alive.

I also bought another pair of large hoop earrings (orange). I used to believe short hair cuts needed short earrings ... until I tried a pair of thin, long hoops. I now wear lightweight, long earrings (esp. hoops) almost constantly. Maybe they balance my long neck and long ears, which short haircuts seem to emphasize, at least until the hair in front of my ears and on the back of my neck grow longer. Hmmm ... maybe my hair really hasn't grown out enough to suit my preference. Maybe I just learned how to accessorize to improve the overall appearance of my cut. Whatever ... I like my haircut (style?) now. I guess I'll keep my stylist, but I STILL plan to mark on my face and neck in lipstick how long I want the sides and back before I let her cut my hair again.

Bad Hair Month?

I wear my thick hair in a short pixie cut. So I need a trim every 6-12 weeks, depending on how my stylist did the previous trim, the weather (longer hair in colder weather), and how much time I want to spend styling my hair every morning. Yesterday was 10 weeks after my previous cut, which I considered 'perfect', with longer sides and back, but shorter top and bangs. I actually dreaded getting a trim, because the weather will turn colder this weekend. Yet I wanted a trim before Easter. So I kept my appointment (after rescheduling my previous week's appointment) and succumbed to my stylist's scissors.

She warned me that I may be shocked by the change, after I requested at least an inch off the top. Unfortunately I didn't specify the EXACT length of the hair in front of my ears or on my neck in back. My ears are long, not little delicate ears which look great with pixie cuts. So I need longer hair in front of my ears to balance my ear length. I also have a long neck, so I need longer hair on my neck to balance that length. So when I saw the 'finished' cut I WAS shocked. I didn't understand why the cut looked so 'masculine' (translate SHORT) until I looked at it again in a grocery store restroom. To my horror I saw that my stylist created the OPPOSITE of what I wanted: LONG on top and very short on the sides and back.

I can't ask my stylist to 'fix' the sides and back (she can't stretch short hair), although I could ask her to trim the top shorter to match the shorter parts. However, before the cut I asked her to not thin the top or cut it too short, because I still anticipated cold weather and needed thicker hair for warmth. I must have assumed that she would not cut the back and sides so short. SILLY ME! I now know that I need to tell my stylist (or mark on my face and neck) the EXACT length I want the sides and back of my hair, because my vision of my hair won't necessarily match my stylist's vision.

The extremely short sides and back appear at least 1/2 inch shorter than I prefer. Since my hair grows about 1/2 inch per month, I will have to endure this style for at least a month. The short sides and thick top make my face look very round, rather than its true oval shape. Very short hair can also make me look more masculine than feminine. I HATE THIS CUT!!!! However, I take full responsibility for what I told and what I failed to tell my stylist. So I'll just have to live with this cut as it grows out. I may wait 3 months until the next cut, because I won't like this cut for at least a month.

Fortunately with Seattle's cool spring, I can wear hats everytime I go out. Unfortunately almost NOBODY wears hats to our church service, even Easter services. So my choice to get a hair trim to look better on Easter totally backfired. I think I look much WORSE than I looked with my longer shaggier style. I'll just have to smile and confidently wear this too short pixie tomorrow. Easter is a good day to focus on other people and forget about my appearance for awhile.