If I Never Ate While Standing Up

This is one more version of the 'What Would I miss if I Never ...' exercise. I often eat before I feel hungry and/or binge waaaay past comfortably full while standing at my kitchen counter, sometimes while preparing food, sometimes while bingeing. I never binge while sitting down. So stand up eating at the kitchen counter can feel like bingeing or even lead to bingeing, even when I don't intend to binge. So I asked myself:

WHAT WOULD I MISS IF I NEVER ATE WHILE STANDING UP??

The rebellious freedom to break an eating rule;

Free samples in grocery stores;

Bites from soups and/or sauces which reassure me that what I'm cooking tastes good;

Distraction from boring food preparation chores;

Distraction from post meal cleanup tasks;

Immediate relief from feeling famished after I waited too long to prepare a meal;

Eating licks of peanut butter or melted ice cream from containers rather than putting that into a dish or preparing an actual meal;

Getting to eat some satisfying food after eating an unsatisfying meal (like eating peanut butter from the jar AFTER feeling unsatisfied from eating a low fat meal);

A way to decive myself about how much I'm eating;

The belief that I'm eating less by eating from containers, rather than putting the food on a plate and being confronted with the 'clean my plate or stop at satisfaction' dilemma;

All that food (mostly condiments) stuck to the from jars which I intend to rinse before recyclin, but not before scraping the sides with my finger or a spatula so as not to waste a single 'lick';

Sharing a medjool date with my husband while he does dishes after dinner;

Feeling less hungry before I begin a meal, but also not enjoying the meal;

(I'll add more items as those occur to me.)

What I seem to get from stand up eating is opportunities to eat what I don't let myself have at meals, as well as quick hunger relief when I'm starving. When I started this post, I believed stand up eating or snacks always triggered binges. However today I realized that I often want extra fingerfulls of peanut butter after eating a relatively low fat or unsatisfying lunch. I rarely want to snack on peanut butter between meals after eating a breakfast of peanut butter and fruit on a muffin or a dinner with healthy fats from salmon or olive oil. Nevertheless, stand up eating is often MINDLESS eating, when I don't focus on how my stomach feels. So I don't notice that I'm getting full. Also stand up eating what I REALLY wanted after I feel full from a meal, means I ignore my 'fullness' cues in order to feel emotionally satisfied. That often leads to feeling painfully full. A better solution to standup eating after a meal would be carefully considering what would satisfy my cravings and hunger BEFORE I choose food for a meal. Then I can feel satisfied and full after a meal.

If I Never Ate Past Full

The 'what would I miss' exercise is so enlightening that I decided to ask myself about other disordered eating habits, which I intend to replace with normal eating, but which I often continue to use. I often eat past physical sensations of 'satisfied', 'just enough' or 'comfortably full'. So I asked myself:

WHAT WOULD I MISS IF I NEVER ATE PAST SATISFACTION OR COMFORTABLY FULL?

Reassurance (from an uncomfortably full stomach) that I wouldn't feel hungry for a several hours, long enough to 'last' 4-6 hours, (maybe that's really 'freedom' from fear of feeling hungry before I want to prepare a meal);

Reassurance that I ate enough fiber or fat or protein or whatever food nutrient I overate;

Freedom from feeling 'deprived' when I stop eating before I clean my plate;

Freedom to eat as much as I served myself (clean my plate);

Freedom to eat everything on my plate AND dessert, whether or not I am satisfied;

Feeling virtuous about not wasting food;

Freedom from dealing with leftovers;

Procrastinating unpleasant activities which I planned for after the meal;

Distraction while I waited for my husband to finish his meal;

(I'll add other items as those occur to me.)

'Freedom' and 'distraction' from feelings seem to be a common theme in my answers. Perhaps I'm reacting to my 'subjugation' schema thoughts by wanting 'freedom' to eat past full. Learning to cope with painful emotions can help me stop when satisfied as well as avoid bingeing and/or purging (mentioned in previous posts). I suspect my 'deprivation' schema influences my desire to continue eating past satisfaction, because stopping if there is food still on my plate feels like deprivation. I try to serve myself just enough so that I don't feel deprived, but I can't always guess how much my body needs. So I have to confront 'deprivation' feelings when I feel full and still have food on my plate. I suspect at that point I could shift my focus to what else (besides food), I could give myself. Anticipating an enjoyable activity after a meal may motivate me to stop eating when I'm just satisfied.

If I Never Again Purged

This topic naturally follows my previous post "If I Never Again Binged", because I seldom binge without purging. So I did the same exercise which I described in that post, substituting the word 'purged' for binged. Here's what I discovered:

IF I NEVER AGAIN PURGED, I WOULD MISS:

BINGEING!!!!!!! (duuuhhh ... I only purge after bingeing)

Relief from guilt about overeating and/or bingeing;

Relief from fears about weight gain from overeating (I irrationally tell myself that purging will 'get rid of' most of the binge food calories);

Relief from discomfort after overeating;

Relief from discomfort after bingeing;

Deceiving myself that bingeing doesn't matter;

Temporary relief from digestive pain;

The fantasy that my life and physical health will be great after I stop purging;

A convenient excuse for longterm digestive problems;

Working toward a lifelong goal of normal eating without bingeing or purging.

(I'll add more items as those occur to me.)

Those answers suggest that I believe purging offers relief, especially relief from physical discomfort of bingeing, but also relief from guilt about any amount of overeating. Like bingeing, purging offers a convenient explanation for my ongoing gastrointestinal symptoms. Purging DOES exacerbate some of those symptoms. However 3-6 month periods of abstinence from purging does not eliminate those symptoms. Nevertheless, like bingeing, I believe purging offers relief from painful emotions. If I never again purged, I would be forced to acknowledge and cope with negative emotions, as well as challenge beliefs which trigger those emotions.

I have previously confronted how I cope with negative emotions. After reading Karen Koenig's "Food and Feelings Workbook", my binge/purge episodes went from average 1-2 each month to once every 3 months. Nevertheless, 'once every three months' seems like I'm using binge/purge episodes for relief from pent up emotions which I have not acknowledged. Understanding my common schemas (maladaptive mindsets of negative thoughts and feelings) can help me more easily recognize and cope with negative emotions. How WOULD my life be if I never again purged?

If I Never Again Binged

I hate the consequences of bingeing and purging. I know that allowing myself to purge gives me permission to binge. Yet part of me holds onto that purging 'option' for when I find myself overeating. Then I can binge to avoid painful emotions or distract myself from physical pain. With one quick 'oh what the heck', a grazing/overeating episode can become a binge/purge episode. I suspect my 'failure schema' thoughts sometimes interpret 'overeating' as 'failure'. So I decide "Oh what the heck, I might just as well binge".

A recent thread on the "Food & Feelings" board discussed "Action and Intent" or why we end up overeating or even bingeing when we intend to eat normally. In her "Confusion" chapter in "Food & Feelings Workbook", Karen Koenig wrote:

"A hallmark of mixed or conflicting feelings is repeatedly saying you want to do one thing, but not doing it, or doing its opposite ... The problem is you're in touch with only one set of emotions, the 'positive' ones (the pros) telling you that it's a healthy move to (for example) ditch the scale (or only eat when hungry, stop when full, etc.). The other set of feelings, which is comprised of your fears (the cons), is hidden out of awareness. When you think about it, there are real reasons you'd be scared to stop weighing yourself: dependence on a number to tell you what and what not to eat, lack of trust that your body can take over the job, fear of getting fat or of no longer being thin."

I recently developed a great exercise, which helped me discover the hidden fears and beliefs which kept me overeating (and sometimes bingeing), when I intended to eat normally and especially stop eating when full. I asked myself what I would miss if I never again binged. Here's what I learned about the 'benefits' of bingeing. (I'll ask myself that same question about purging in another post.)

IF I NEVER AGAIN BINGED, I WOULD MISS ...

'Getting rid of' all the tempting foods, which I enjoy but often overeat;

Procrastinating unpleasant chores;

Freedom to eat as much as I want of anything I want anytime I want;

Standup eating (especially bingeing) at the kitchen counter to entertain myself while I do boring kitchen chores, especially food preparation;

A release from pent up emotions, which I don't want to acknowledge ...

Entertainment on a boring day;

Temporary relief from gas and constipation;

Distraction from guilt about overeating prior to the binge;

Nurturing myself with food, when I feel 'deprived';

The fantasy that my life and physical health will be great after I stop bingeing;

Taking a time out from planned activities as well as painful thoughts and feelings;

Distraction from painful physical symptoms;

Relief from feeling deprived of anything in my life;

Working toward a lifelong goal of normal eating without overeating or bingeing.

(I'll add more items as they occur to me.)

NOTE: I'm not looking for advice about how to change my binge habits. I'm just sharing this list to clarify how I did the exercise. Results of this exercise revealed my unacknowleged 'benefits' of bingeing. So I understood that I often chose short term benefits of bingeing, rather than long term benefits of normal eating. I hope this exercise helps anyone else who wants to honestly acknowledge conflicting feelings which sabotage their intent to eat normally.

My answers to that question suggest that I BELIEVE that bingeing offers relief from negative emotions like boredom, anxiety (esp. fear of failure), frustration, sadness (about 'deprivation') and even hopelessness. (As long as I binge, I can hope for a perfect life after I stop bingeing.) So if I never again binged, I would need to find other ways to cope with painful emotions and perhaps change beliefs that trigger those emotions.

I also BELIEVE (and sometimes observe) that bingeing offers temporary relief from constipation as well as distraction from gastrointestinal discomfort from unknown causes. (Bingeing provides an obvious explanation for gastrointestinal discomfort.) If I never again binged, I may need to reframe my beliefs about ongoing gastrointestinal symptoms. After many years of searching for a cure and only finding solutions to relieve a few symptoms, I may need to consider acceptance. Perhaps my search for a cure for gastrointestinal symptoms is similar to my belief about life without bingeing, i.e., that life will be wonderful if I never again binged or suffered gastrointestinal symptoms. Yet I repeatedly observe that those symptoms persist after 3-6 month periods of abstinence from bingeing.

Failure Schema

The author of "Emotional Alchemy" says that the FAILURE schema is characterized by "that feeling of being deficient despite our accomplishments". Common roots of the failure schema include "overly critical parents, who make a child feel inept ... constant put-downs ... and constant negative comparisons between (the child) and other children or highly successful parents ... The hallmark of this pattern is feeling like a failure underneath it all, no matter how successful you are. A typical thought is you're just not good enough to succeed at this. Typical emotional reactions to such thoughts are "deep self doubt and anxious sadness ... (This schema) centers on feeling that ones successes are undeserved or one can't succeed at anything, no matter how hard one tries ... (Those feelings) can lead to pushing oneself very hard to do well, despite the constant fear of failure."

"The failure schema can be a self-fulfilling prophecy ... some people to behave in a way that ensures they will not succeed." They may "take an avoidant path--too leery of trying out new skills or taking on the new chalenges that might allow them to succeed. Or they put things off until it's too late, or they manufacture a ready excuse for the failure they anticipate."

(Although) this schema can lead to the thought that you can never succeed, "mindfulnes can help you identify and challenge the internal put-downs that so easily take over your mind, so you can more accurately assess your actual talents and abilities, or accept that your accomplishments are truly deserved."

I only recently realized I have a 'failure' schema. Previously I thought I had a 'perfectionist' schema and pushed myself to perform perfectly. However, I recall that my parents never praised 'perfect' work, but they criticized anything short of perfection and discounted any success as unimportant. So I feared failure more than I strived for perfection.

A week ago I had been working on a garment, which I created from a pattern that was too large for my body. I had altered the pattern somewhat, then sewed the garment, tried on the garment and then altered the garment. After again trying it on, I realized not only did the garment not fit, but my alterations had not addressed the real problem. Furthermore, my alterations made the garment too small. I contemplated altering the pattern to correct the problems I discovered while altering the garment. However, even looking at the garment reminded me that I FAILED AGAIN. That was my second 'failed' garment out of the last 3 garments I attempted. Nevertheless, I didn't realize those 'failure' thoughts until AFTER I binged, an attempt to procrastinate facing my 'failure'. After the binge, I considered why my sewing project triggered 'failure thoughts' and painful emotions.

Then I remembered that every time I brought home a sewing project (from home ec class), my mom would criticize my work, rip out my stitches and resew the project. She also critized how I practiced the piano and would often 'show me' how to play a piece correctly. She discounted my academic success by telling me that I may be good at school but I didn't have any common sense so I would never succeed in life. No matter how much I succeeded she reminded me that my cousin and/or brother were successful in other, more important areas. Even years later whenever I had difficulty with any project, I could hear her criticizing me and telling me I would never succeed at anything important. I feared even a tiny 'failure' would mean she was right, that I would never succeed.

In retrospect I recall that I often binged while working on difficult projects, which I feared I would fail to complete correctly, if at all. Sometimes I worked on projects while I was bingeing, which numbed my fears of failure enough to work on the projects. At other times I used bingeing to procrastinate continuing projects which I believed were doomed to failure. At still other times I would not even attempt projects or activities which I believed I might fail. For example, people often compliment my writing skills and ask why I don't write a book. I remind them that writers endure lots of rejection from publishers before their manuscripts are accepted and published. For me rejection seems like failure.

I have lowered my former perfectionist standards. However the fear of 'failure' still looms over any sewing project I begin. So I try to remind myself that I really don't need any new clothes, but I want to learn to sew. If I complete a garment which doesn't fit well, I at least have learned many new sewing and/or altering techniques. The only failure is failure to try.

Subjugation Schema

Acccording to Tara Bennett-Goleman, author of "Emotional Alchemy", the SUBJUGATION schema "revolves around the feeling in an intimate relationship that one's own needs never take priority. The other person always rules. The core belief is 'It's always your way, never mine.' ... While people with this pattern give in easily, they build up a hidden resentment that can smolder into anger ... This suppression breeds frustration that can build into rage."

"This schema typically originates in a childhood dominated by controlling parents who give the child no say ... For children whose parents are too powerful and domineering, passivity--the avoidance strategy--keeps at bay the fear of being punished or disapproved of ... Frustration and anger over being trapped or having no autonomy are typical in people with the subjugation schema ... Reactions to being subjugated can (take the form of) rebellion particularly in childhood and adolescence, typically bringing even greater efforts at subjugation by their overbearing parents. Such rebels can become free spirits, hyperreactive to the least sign of being controlled, quick to express anger at those in authority."

"Their main focus is pleasing other people while ignoring their own wants and needs ... This propensity to please others is out of balance: such people are unable to set limits on what's expected of them, and they end up doing far more than their share of the work or doing too many things for others ... Despite (their) easygoing exterior, (they) feel used or controlled, and (they) think that people take advantage of (them)."

"If you see the subjugation schema in yourself, you need to get in touch with your resentment and frustration over being controlled. You need to assert your own wishes and needs. Mindfulness can be a useful tool to help you track the automatic reactions, the anger, and the thoughts primed by the fear that you are being controlled again."

As a small child I regularly rebelled against my mother's dietary restrictions for me, by eating whatever I was forbidden (usually cookies or other sweets), when I was home alone after school. I was not overweight at age 6 when she wanted to put me on a weight loss diet. My pediatrician advised her to just switch my whole milk to skim. However she instituted even more food restrictions. I reacted by regularly sneaking restricted foods and actually gained weight, which made my mother restrict even more foods.

Even more abusive was my mother's habit of giving me enemas when she didn't like the appearance of my stools. Due to undiagnosed dairy allergy I had chronically hard stools. The enemas did nothing to change that condition, but regular enemas made me feel ashamed of my elimination habits for many years afterwards.

As a teenager I rebelled secretly against subjugation, rather than risk further controlling actions by my mom. During my senior year of high school, at least weekly I snuck out my bedroom window late at night, met my boyfriend and returned before sunrise. After hearing my mother repeatedly tell me that she was proud that she kept her virginity until marriage, I slept with my boyfriend regularly that year. I also started smoking during my senior year of high school. Although my mother discovered my smoking habit, she never discovered my late night trysts.

As an adult thoughts about my childhood, how my mother physically and emotionally abused me and how she tried to control everything that went into and/or came out of my body, triggered rage for me. I tried 'forgiveness' exercises to let go of my resentment and rage about how she treated me, but only felt more rage. During most of my adult years I bounced between a logical 'understanding' that she abused me, because she also was abused as a child, to deep sadness as my inner child grieved an abusive childhood.

I still resent anyone who tries to 'control' me. For years I also rebelled against my own attempts to change my eating habits and other behaviors. Only recently did I begin to understand the source of my rebellious nature and begin to openly assert my rights and desires to others.

Deprivation Schema

The author of "Emotional Alchemy", says that the DEPRIVATION schema develops "from a childhood where one or both parents were so self-absorbed ... that they simply did not notice or seem to care much about their child's emotional needs. In adults, the deprivation schema makes people hypersensitive to--and is often triggered by--signs that they are not being noticed or attended to, particularly in their closest relationships."

"The core emotions of the deprivation schema are a deep sadness and hopelessness stemming from the conviction that one will never be understood or cared for ... as adults, people with deprivation schema often feel angry about their needs being ignored. That anger in turn covers an underlying loneliness and sadness."

Some people with deprivation schema can get very angry and resentful attacking anyone who make them feel let down. "No matter how much others give to people with underlying deprivation schema, it never seems to be enough, and so they turn others off with their constant demands ... Or they can become self-indulgent, spending far more than they can afford on themselves or overeating in an attempt to give themselves the nurturance they crave ... They can seem so together than they need no one to care for them ... Sometimes people with deprivation schema gravitate to careers in the helping profession (like) social work, nursing, psychotherapy. When such helping is schema-driven, it can backfire, particularly if they push themselves to do so much that they burn out."

"If you recognize the deprivation schema in yourself, you need to become clearer about how your need for nurturance shapes your relationships ... You can use mindfulness to make behavioral changes ... by starting to communicate your own needs clearly and appropriately to others, or by seeking out partners who are emotionally available."

I recognize my 'deprivation' schema every time I try to stop eating when I feel just comfortably full. I HATE 'depriving' myself of food I enjoy eating. Nevermind that overeating deprives me of comfort after the meal. Understanding that I tried to nurture myself with excess food when I really needed nurturing from significant others or other ways to nurture myself really helped me stop eating more often when I felt satisfied.

Like others with deprivation schema, I chose for my first husband someone who was emotionally unavailable, who seldom revealed his thoughts and more often ignored what I said. For years I felt unappreciated and unloved, despite his expressions of love. Those painful feelings were familiar, because my parents did not nurture me emotionally.

I also realize that I spent a lifetime as a 'helper' (crisis counsellor, teacher, group leader, etc.), while I appeared too strong to need help from anyone else. I regularly 'burned out' and quit helping positions only to assume a new one later. More recently I realized I felt resentful and bitter while leading my Celiac Disease support group, because nobody understood how much I continued to suffer gastrointestinal symptoms. I also gave and did much more than anyone expected, because I didn't know when to stop ... until I felt overworked, angry and resentful. Of course I received empathetic comments when I occasionally shared my struggle, but I never felt supported enough, because my deprivation schema deficit was too big.

Fortunately, before my second marriage I somehow recognized and began to ask for what I needed emotionally. Nevertheless, for many years I still believed on some level "don't bother asking, because nobody cares". I only now see how that affected my eating habits as I overindulged in food to make up for what I missed in intimate relationships.