Deleting FTGF Board

After over a month of deliberation, I decided to close my Find Truth Get Free board late on July 20. Several reasons for this decision come to mind:

(1) I created that board after I left Karen Koenig's 'Food & Feelings' board. There one very active member became angry after I and several other members mentioned specific foods in our posts (despite the fact that the board was a FOOD & feelings board). That angry member preferred to just talk about feelings (i.e. VENT about her life and eating difficulties), but not talk solutions. So I wanted to start a board where people talked about specific problems and considered specific solutions for those problems. I also wanted to inspire members to DO something different to effect change, rather than talk about thinking about change. At first everyone who joined my board was very excited about resolving problem eating habits.

Little did I realize at that time that most people who post on boards are in the CONTEMPLATION mode of habit change. They know they have difficulties, but they are ambivalent about change, despite the difficulties their problem habits cause. All but one member of my FTGF board was very heavily entrenched in the contemplation (but resist change) mode. Now I know why therapists charge exorbitant fees to patiently listen to people who want to complain about their problems, but aren't ready to change. SIGH

(2) When I created my board, I felt sick and chronically tired. So sitting in front of the computer posting on the board let me believe I was accomplishing something, when I was too exhausted to do anything more active. Little did I realize that I was suffering symptoms of a yet undiagnosed C-diff (clostridium difficile) potentially fatal bacterial infection in my gut. After I FINALLY convinced my doc that I needed another DNA microbial stool test, despite his belief that 'stress' caused my gut symptoms, I still had to wait another 3-1/2 weeks for the results of that test. So I felt really sick during most of May. After I finally got the test result (high levels of c-diff) in June, I soon began taking one of the worst drugs I've ever taken to treat bacteria (flagyl). The flagyl side effects of headaches, nausea, fatigue, stabbing gut pain, strong metallic taste and lack of hunger cues (other than more intense nausea when I needed to eat) lasted for over 2 weeks (although the treatment was only 11 days). So I didn't start to feel more energetic until early July. Then I no longer wanted to sit in front of this computer for long hours posting on my board.

(3) Even before I finished taking flagyl and recovered from c-diff, warm summer days had arrived in Seattle. We don't have many sunny days, so we go crazy when the sun shines. We have to get outside, wear shorts and flipflops and soak up the rays while we can, rather than rely on vitamin D supplements. LOL However this summer was like no other. It started in late MAY. We went almost 2 months without measurable rainfall. My garden vegies and berries flourished. Even when I was so sick with undiagnosed C-diff that I could hardly stay awake, I did a 20 mile bikeride, just to be in the sun, albeit riding very slowly.

So after I recovered from c-diff and flagyl side effects, I resented every minute I spent in front of this computer, when I could have been outside in my garden, or walking or biking around our local lake, or even being in any other (sunnier) room of the house (my computer is in a north facing room). As the summer progressed I needed to harvest and freeze produce. I needed to prune flowers and vegies. I wanted to eat dinners and sit talking with my husband after dinner on our front porch. I wanted to spontaneously stop to gab with my neighbors on my walks. I wanted to do anything but be in the house in front of this computer on sunny days. So I often answered posts early in the morning or late at night. Either way I didn't get enough sleep, for someone who just recovered from c-diff.

(4) Finally I started reading the classic "Intuitive Eating" by Tribole and Resch after trying to describe intuitive eating to diet oriented FTGF members. That book reassured me that many of my eating habits WERE intuitive eating. However that book also revealed that I still struggled with some diet mentality and unnecessary food restriction. Above all, I realized that the FTGF board members who struggled the most actually caused their problems with their diet (restriction) mentality. I could no longer support their restrictive diets, which caused overeating and food fears.

Although I began the board with the intention of encouraging members to find their own solutions, I could no longer support one member whose 'solutions' actually caused her problems. When I told her in no uncertain terms that her restrictive diet caused her problems, she left the board. At that point I realized how much she reminded me of myself, my own longterm struggle with bingeing and purging habits, because I continued to unnecessarily restrict what I ate. I knew that I could only offer intuitive eating, rather than support for members who wanted to lose weight by restrictive dieting. I considered changing the board description to explain that I supported intuitive eating, but not restrictive weight loss oriented dieting. However, by that time I just wanted to be free of the board so I could enjoy summer, gardening, freezing produce and outdoor recreational activities (like biking, playing tennis, walking and paddleboating).

I finally learned that many people who post on the internet are NOT out enjoying life. They are NOT actively solving their problems. Some want sympathy for enduring difficulties with problems they are ambivalent about solving or habits they feel ambivalent about changing. They love to talk about change, but they always have excuses about why they are not ready to change. They love to hear how I changed my habits, but they think they are different and can't do what I did. Maybe someday, they say, they will change, but right now they can only do what works for them, which often means using the same habits which make them unhappy and posting about their unhappiness on message boards.

Although many people suggest that I write books, rather than moderate message board, to inspire others with problem eating habits, I know how I collected 'intuitive eating' books while I continued to restrict myself, feel deprived, then binge, purge and start the whole cycle again. So I wanted to help people actually change their habits, rather than think about but feel ambivalent about change. I've learned not to expect more than microscopic change from people who post on message boards or online support groups. I guess I found the truth about message boards and now I want to free myself of obligation to moderate a board. Enough already ...

"Intuitive Eating" by Tribole and Resch

After grappling with how I defined intuitive eating in previous posts, I decided to finally read the classic book, "Intuitive Eating" by Tribole and Resch. I may have skimmed through that book years ago and decided I had already read enough books by authors who encouraged intuitive eating. As I read, I realize that I already learned and incorporated many of their suggestions into my approach to eating. However, "Intuitive Eating" also explains how my eating (pseudo dieting) habits and beliefs perpetuated my binge/purge habits for so many years. Reading that book helps me understand how I can now become even more attuned to my body cues and food preferences in order to eat even more intuitively and permanently end food struggles and overeating.

Eat According to Body Cues

My previous 2 posts convinced me that I need 3 rules for intuitive eating: (1) Eat only when physically hungry (empty, knawing sensation in stomach); (2) choose foods that will provide the tastes, textures, flavors, stomach comfort and staying power (feel unhungry for awhile) you want; and (3) stop eating when satisfied or comfortably full.

However, I wonder whether I need to follow a rule that says pay attention to your food (and body) while you eat, in order to sense satisfaction or comfortable fullness. On the other hand, does intuitive eating automatically imply that I AM connected to and aware of my body sensations when I feel hungry, when I choose what to eat and when I notice I'm satisfied or full? Many 'intuitive eating' authors suggest that we need pay attention to the food to get the most enjoyment possible while eating, so that we won't mind stopping when we feel full. However I believe I need to pay attention to my STOMACH and how it feels, while I eat, so that I will notice when I feel full or no longer hungry.

Does 'intuitive eating' by definition mean that I pay attention to my body cues, before, during and after I stop eating? If I only pay attention to my body while eating, rather than before I begin to eat or when I choose what to eat, I wouldn't notice hunger. So maybe I should assume that if I listen to my body sensations to recognize hunger, I continue to consider my body cues when I choose what to eat and as I eat. Maybe there's a simple rule that summarizes those 3 rules about eat when you notice hunger, eat what feels good and stop eating when no longer hungry. Maybe that one rule is EAT ACCORDING TO BODY CUES. That covers start when hungry, stop when full and choose foods that match the physical sensations you crave (like taste, flavor, texture, stomach comfort and staying unhungry).

However, I choose foods most of all according to body comfort, somewhat because of staying power and least according to taste enjoyment. If a food tastes great, but doesn't keep me hungry very long, I may only eat that food in combination with other foods with more staying power. I might sometimes eat that food when I expect to eat a meal within 1-2 hours. So staying power is important to me. Although I enjoy the tastes, textures and flavor of food, and want to stay unhungry for awhile after eating, if I don't feel comfortable in my stomach during and after eating, I don't care about tastes and textures. My 7 food allergens taste great, but cause excruciating pains in my stomach and intestines. So stomach comfort trumps taste and staying power.

Perhaps stomach comfort is my prime incentive for intuitive eating. I want to eat when I feel moderately hungry, not famished. I want to eat foods that make me feel comfortable during and after I eat them. I want foods that keep me from getting uncomfortably hungry for awhile. I want to stop eating when I feel comfortably satisfied and/or full. Maybe intuitive eating can be considered the 'stomach comfort diet' with one basic rule: Eat according to body cues to avoid physical discomfort (from extreme hunger, indigestion and/or extreme fullness).

Making the Match

In my last long post I considered my choice to sometimes eat standing up, rather than seated at a table, whenever I feel hungry. However, I realized another problem with grabbing and eating food while I prepare a meal. If the 'grab and eat' food is exactly what I craved or 'matches' my craving, then I may not need to eat much of what I prepare. However if I grab and eat food that's convenient, but not exactly what my body craved to satisfy hunger, then I may overeat the meal I prepare, if that meal contains the food I craved.

Sometimes I really do crave cold Rainier cherries, rather than a hot meal. However the cherries won't completely satisfy my hunger, or will only keep me hungry for a short while. So I want the meat and starch or vegies from the meal as well as a few cherries. Sometimes I eat a whole meal and realize that I still want something sweet. So I eat my 2 teaspoons of ice cream while standing in the kitchen. Because I only crave a 'taste', I just have enough to satisfy that taste craving after I already satisfied hunger.

One important principle of intuitive eating is 'making the match' or choosing to eat what I crave. Correctly making the match lets me eat exactly what my body craves, what will feel good in my body, not just what my eyes see or my nose smells or what I hear someone else describe. When I consider what I crave, I consider how the food will taste (sweet, salty, sour or bitter), the temperature, the textures (crisp, mushy, chewy, soft, creamy, crunchy), flavors (fruity, spicy, bland, smokey, exotic), AND how the food will feel in my body. If I want chocolate, I try to avoid eating other foods which cause reflux (like tomato products or citrus or onions, etc.) If I'm feeling ill, I want food I can easily digest (like cooked vegies, easily digested protein like chicken or even vegan entrees).

When I consider what foods will feel good in my body, what foods will taste and feel good in my mouth, and what foods will keep me unhungry for awhile (my purpose for eating), I can resist grabbing foods that are merely convenient, while I prepare what I know will feel good in my body and satisfy physical cravings. So making the correct match will help me eat exactly what I want, feel satisfied with less, and stop when I feel no longer hungry, rather than full, because I feel so satisfied that I don't need any more food, after my hunger is gone. Making the correct match insures satisfaction as well as comfortable fullness.

Mindful Eating Rules vs. Intuitive Eating

I've read several books which suggest rules and exercises for mindful eating. Judith Beck (daughter of cognitive therapy guru Aaron Beck) in her book "The Beck Diet Solution" suggests ways that dieters can limit when and how much they eat because most dieters don't know how to diet and they do not recognize their hunger or fullness cues. They eat from external or internal triggers, especially sabotaging thoughts. However Ms. Beck also includes a chapter and exercises to help dieters learn to 'tolerate hunger'. She suggests her readers purposely skip lunch so they can realize the 'hunger is not an emergency'. She says "You definitely don't have to eat when you're hungry. Just because you want to eat doesn't mean you always should." Perhaps she confuses physical stomach hunger with mental wanting to eat.

'Eating the Moment' author Pavel G. Somov suggests exercises to limit how much we eat, because he believes most people ignore their stomach cues and eat according to visual cues. He says that we eat to satisfy needs of the body, needs of the mind, and out of habit when triggered by environmental cues. However, he also includes ways to tune into stomach sensations for physical hunger and fullness. So some of his exercises support intuitive eating goals.

Even Judy Halladay, author of "ThinWithin", suggests 8 keys to conscious eating, which include eat only when hungry and stop eating when satsified AS WELL AS eat sitting down, without distractions, eat slowly, etc. or rules to help us eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied, because most people have difficulty recognizing and obeying stomach cues. So those who suggest mindful eating rules assume that people will NOT obey their stomach cues. Rather than let their bodies tell them when and how much to eat, then must make conscious mental decisions about where and how to eat in order to limit when and how much to eat.

In contrast, intuitive eating, by definition, is eating according to physical cues, rather than mental cravings. The longer I practice intuitive eating, the less I want to follow rules about how and where I eat. To me intuitive eating means eatingin response to physical cues of hunger foods which feel good in my body (not just taste good) and keep me unhungry for awhiile (which is why I eat), stopping when I feel physically satisfied and/or comfortably full. I initially needed to eat without distractions while I learned to recognize those stomach cues. However I now wonder: do I need to ALWAYS eat sitting down while focussing only on my food and stomach sensations in order to recognize stomach cues that I am no longer hungry and can stop eating? If I needed to always focus only on my body cues, I could never eat with another person. If I can only eat intuitively when I completely focus on eating, I must always eat in a quiet, uncluttered room lest I be distracted and overlook my physical sensations of fullness and/or satisfaction.

I'm least likely to follow the suggestion that I always eat sitting down. I usually like to eat meals sitting down, because I can use eating utensils and eat messy foods (like peanut butter and fruit on a muffin) over a plate without spilling if I sit at a table. However, I sometimes feel so starved when I finally enter my kitchen to prepare a meal that I want a bite of something to bring up my blood sugar, prevent dizziness and irritability, and make me feel less desperate while I prepare the meal. I like 1-2 cherries, a slice of apple, a chunk of cantaloupe, or a bite or 2 of other fruits which can stabilize my blood sugar without destroying my appetite for the upcoming meal. After a small snack, I may not need to eat a whole plateful of my meal. So I toss or save leftovers for another meal, because my stomach tells me when I no longer need food, not the empty plate.

Likewise, I often want a taste of something sweet after a meal. I don't need a whole dish of dessert. I'm already full, but just want a sweet finish to satisfy a craving for something sweet. So I eat a bite of fruit, 1 date, 1-2 teaspoonfuls of ice cream or a bite of a cookie. If I'm sitting at the table and my husband offers to bring me a dish of ice cream or a container or whole piece of fruit, I decline. I only want a taste, which I can have standing up at the kitchen counter, rather than facing a whole dishful of dessert, when I only need a bite or 2. I can still focus on the tastes and textures of that 1-2 bites while standing in the kitchen. I want to get up from the table to move on to my next activity. I'm done with eating, but I still want a taste. So I eat that taste while standing up, rather serving myself 2 cherries on a plate, which looks rather empty, sitting down at a table and eating. Maybe I'm rationalizing stand up eating. However, if I take the time to serve myself a dish of ice cream, I'm less likely to want to just eat 2 bites.

Perhaps the only advantage of sitting down to eat with my plate of food in front of me is that I can see how much I plan to eat. If I only eat with my 'eyes' or what I think my stomach needs, but disregard my stomach hunger or fullness cues, sitting down with my plate of food could limit how much I eat. However, if I grab food, when I enter the kitchen famished, and eat that food while I prepare more food, my stomach WILL tell me that I'm full, sometimes before I finish what I prepared. I may feel 'deprived' if I choose to obey my full cues and stop eating, unless I remind myself that I also ate while I prepared the food.

Sometimes that deprived feeling motivates me to eat less or not eat the next time I prepare food. However, I never regret eating a few bites while I'm famished while preparing a meal. If I don't eat a few bites, I may think I need to prepare or serve myself a LOT more than I really need to satisfy my hunger. (A few bites of fruit, like 2 cherries, decreases my hunger from intense to moderate.) So even if I forget abou those bites of food while I prepare food, my stomach does not forget and reminds me even before I finish what I prepared. If I honor my fullness cues, whether I eat standing up or sitting down, I stop eating when I feel comfortably full. If I allow the amount on my plate dictate how much I eat, I'm not really eating intuitively.

How many rules do I need in order to eat intuitively? I count 3: (1) Eat when I sense true, physiological stomach hunger; (2) Eat foods which feel good in my body and keep me unhungry for awhile (unless I'm just trying to raise blood sugar for a brief period); and (3) Stop eating when I feel comfortable (no longer hungry but not overly full). Some intuitive nondiet gurus add "Eat consciously or pay attention to the food while you eat." I prefer to pay attention to how the food feels in my STOMACH as well as how the food tastes and feels in my mouth. Enjoying mouth feel while ignoring stomach sensations can influence me to keep eating to prolong mouth pleasure. Nevertheless I believe 'intuitive eating' by definition requires conscious eating or paying attention to stomach cues, before, during and after eating. How can I eat only when hungry, foods that feel good in my body and stop when I feel comfortable full if I DON'T pay attention to my body?

I suspect many intuitive eating writers (like Geneen Roth in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" and Karen Koenig in "Rules of Normal Eating") include many exercises to help former dieters and/or overeaters LEARN to eat intuitively. However, they may not always need to follow those learning rules or exercises after intuitive eating becomes their normal eating style. Maybe I've progressed far enough in my intuitive eating that I feel freer to break a few rules and see what happens.

Physical and Emotional Well-Being Update

In my last 3 posts I grappled with discontentment about moderating my board (Find Truth Get Free). I considered whether I felt appreciated by board members or effective in helping them change their problem eating habits. After chatting (IM) with one member and reading comments to my last 2 posts, I realized my issue was neither appreciation nor effectiveness, but BOUNDARIES.

After treating C-diff with flagyl and suffering those awful side effects, I felt so much better that I didn't want to feel obligated to sit at this computer to moderate my board. I want more time to enjoy our unusually warm summer weather, do gardening chores, bike and take day trips with my husband. During the past few months while I was sick with undiagnosed C-diff bacteria and then suffering through flagyl side effects, I didn't feel well enough to get out and do much. So I loved posting on my board. When I started feeling better, I didn't want to feel so obligated to spend so much time posting (unless I felt tired and wanted to sit). I realized that I just needed to set better boundaries on my time or to decide to post only at certain times of day, like when I didn't feel so energetic.

Ironically on the day I wrote my "appreciated vs. effective" post I began to suffer symptoms of more gut inflammation (irregularity, bloating, cramping pain and passing lots of mucous). Yesterday I didn't feel well enough to do much. I also worried that I still had raging C-diff bacteria. However, I decided to just keep taking my probiotics, getting exercise, drinking lots of fluids and see what happened. This morning, I still had cramping pain but almost no mucous or irregularity. Maybe my good guy bacteria (from probiotics) fought off whatever caused the inflammation. Maybe I unintentionally ate some allergen. Something caused inflammation (indicated by mucous), but I seem to be doing better today.

Some nonceliacs have asked me why I continue to have gut problems, even though I abstain from gluten. Most celiac medical gurus say the intestinal villi (damaged by gluten antibodies) will completely heal in 6 months to 2 years after someone stops eating gluten. Most say people who were diagnosed with CD as adults, may need 2 years, because they sustained long term damage during the years they may have been misdiagnosed (or discounted) by their doctors.

However I recently read an article on Celiac.com "Full Gut Recovery Rare in Adult Celiac Disease Despite Gluten-free Diet" by Jefferson Adams, which suggests that "complete recovery of intestinal mucosa occurs very rarely in patients with celiac disease, despite adherence to a gluten-free diet". From the results of a study, "the research team concluded that complete normalization of duodenal lesions is exceptionally rare in cases of adult celiac disease despite adherence to a gluten-free diet, disappearance of symptoms, and negative blood tests for celiac disease". That could contribute to 'leaky gut syndrome' where larger food proteins leak into the blood and cause food allergies. (I have 6 food allergies in addition to gluten intolerance.) Unhealed duodenal lesions could also explain why I continue to feel pain (not just pressure) when I have bloating or inflammatory reactions to bacterial dysbiosis or food allergies.

OH JOY! I may suffer a painful sensitive gut for the rest of my life, which makes eating less enjoyable. Oh well, at least I can easily resist overeating, because getting too full is PAINFUL for me. So unhealed intestinal lesions will keep me thin, if not healthy. I want to (sarcastically) express my thanks to all those doctors who misdiagnosed my symptoms as IBS for over 10 years, while CD damaged my intestinal villae, which may never completely heal now. GRRRRRR!!!

Feeling Appreciated vs. Feeling Effective

My current ambivalence about moderating or posting on intuitive or normal eating boards reminds me of many previous volunteer leadership experiences. I start every position enthusiastically with the belief "I can do this". However I soon realized my intentions for the group don't quite match the intentions of others in the group. For example, I started a ThinWithin group at my church in order to teach people, who struggled with overweight, TW's approach to 'normal' or nondiet eating. So they could not only lose weight, but lose their obsession with food, eating and their bodies. I soon learned that many group members did not want to change their beliefs or eating habits. They just wanted sympathy for their struggles with weight and dieting. They wanted to vent about, rather than find solutions for, their problems.

Habit change gurus would say they are in the 'contemplation' mode of change, because they know they are unhappy, but they are ambivalent about changing their habits. Nevertheless those group members thanked me for starting and leading the group. I felt appreciated, but not effective. I wasn't doing what I intended to accomplish. I didn't think my efforts made any difference in the lives of the group members.

Now I realize that I can only coax people to view their problems differently. I can't force them to change before they are ready. So why would I choose to lead nondiet groups for people who struggle with weight loss diets? Why would I choose to moderate websites for people who struggle with overeating and overweight? How could I ever feel 'effective' about changing people who are ambivalent about change? If insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results, then I must be insane to believe I can ever convince people that they can learn to eat 'normally' from hunger/fullness cues, lose weight and maintain their ideal weight like I did.

As I typed that first paragraph, I realized I feel ambivalent about encouraging people who are ambivalent. LOL If they don't know whether they want to change their habits, I don't know whether I want to respond to their posts, encourage them or help them find what works for them to solve their problems. In 'Brief Therapy for Eating Disorders' Barbara McFarland suggests that asking people who feel ambivalent about change to visualize their 'miracle day' to help them realize change is not only possible but within their grasp. However those fanatasies don't convince some people that they could resolve their eating problems.

When I created my FTGF board I stipulated in the board description that members actively seek solutions for their problems. I didn't stipulate that they use intuitive eating or a nondiet approach. Several members really wanted support to follow their restrictive diets, which influenced them to binge occasionally, rather than give up dieting altogether. Eventually I found myself trying to dissuade them from following restrictive diets, which they believed were the only way they could lose weight. I now realize that their goals for themselves were different from my goals for them. Although I initially tried to support their goals, I slipped into telling them what worked best for me, which caused my current frustration.

Maybe my ambivalence is really about wanting to encourage them to work toward nondiet, intuitive eating goals, rather than supporting their efforts to reach their own goals. However, one member's initial stated problem (fantasizing about food) actually was the way she obeyed her very restrictive diet most of the time. Also most board members thanked me for telling them what worked for me (which was intuitive or hunger/fullness eating) even though they were counting calories and restricting certain foods in order to lose weight.

Perhaps my ambivalence stems from a general confusion about everyone's goals. Do they just want to lose weight as quickly as possible and then worry about learning how to eat intuitively after they lose the weight? Or do they want to learn to eat intuitively while they slowly lose the weight? Do they value intuitive eating more or less than weight loss? Some prefer IE and some prefer rapid weight loss with restrictive diets (despite slips).

I think I need to post some questions about: Where are you now (after 2 months of participating on this board)? What was the initial problem eating habit you wanted to change? Have you changed that habit? Have you changed the goal you originally said you wanted to reach? Have you decided to work on a different problem eating habit? Do you believe you can reach your goal or resolve that eating habit? Why or why not?

I realize that this post is full of 'maybes'. LOL So obviously I'm still undecided about what I want to do about my FTGF board. I'll start by asking those 'where are you now?' questions. However, I still hesitate to post on the IE board. One board is enough for me right now.