I wanted to make a special New Year's Eve dinner tonight. So I made buckwheat with shredded apple pancakes and chicken apple breakfast sausage. I only ate 2 pancakes, 1-1/2 sausage with about 1/4 cup of real maple syrup and Earth Balance dairy/soy free margarine. However, I was thoroughly satisfied (and full). That was a perfect year end dinner to celebrate a year of legalizing (making peace with?) all nonallergenic foods.
Years ago I would fear that pancakes with syrup would disrupt my blood sugar so much that I would binge the rest of the night. I so feared any sweet foods that I either binged on them or adamantly avoided them. 5 years ago I learned that I was allergic to pancake ingredients (wheat, milk, egg, cane sugar), but the maple syrup was perfectly safe for me. However, I still needed several years to completely 'legalize' all foods to which I didn't have diagnosed allergies, like the buckwheat pancakes made from allergy free ingredients, which I ate tonight.
2009 was a year of unbelievable changes for me. First of all, I went from bingeing and throwing up an average of once a month during 2008 to bingeing and purging once in January 2010, just eating and throwing up because I was sick with undiagnosed c-diff infection in late March, to not bingeing or throwing up for the rest of the year (over 9 months). Now bingeing seems as gross as purging ... no maybe worse. I did wake up with uncontrollable nausea and dry heaves on the first night I took flagyl for c-diff. However, I don't consider dry heaves from drug induced nausea 'purging'. Nevertheless, I controlled the nausea by drinking ginger tea during the next 3 weeks of flagyl treatment.
The next big change was 'regularity'. Before I contracted the c-diff bacteria (and still don't know how or where), I had chronic constipation unless I ate lots of fiber and took lots of magnesium. I only had relief from that irregularity when I took massive doses of probiotics after eradicating an intestinal bug. However, that 'relief' usually only lasted a month or 2, usually during Maui vacations. Ever since I began treating c-diff with first flagyl and then vancomycin, I've had lots of diarrhea, but sometimes normal regularity. Although c-diff is a dangerous and sometimes lethal bacteria with side effects of headache, nausea, cramping pain, passing mucous and, of course, diarrhea, that last side effect 'cured' my irregularity.
The c-diff infection was the most dangerous and prolonged change. I've previously blogged about how my naturopath initially discounted my symptoms until I insisted on a stool test. Then he treated an infection I'd already had for over 2 months with a 'mild infection' drug, flagyl, which made me sicker than the c-diff infection. When c-diff symptoms returned (because flagyl really wasn't strong enough), he gave me another flagyl 10 day treatment prescription. I didn't finish that prescription, because I was sooo sick from both flagyl and c-diff symptoms. Then he told me to take a 3 day treatment break before starting vancomycin. I later learned that 3 day break allowed the c-diff spores to morph into even higher levels of bacteria.
However my doc only gave me a week's worth of vanco, when the usual treatment was for 10 days. So I should have expected that I would get another recurrence of c-diff. Then I asked for a 2 week treatment dose, but before I finished that dose I discovered online the most successful treatment regimen for recurrent c-diff (tapered and pulse dosing). Unfortunately I didn't do the pulse dose long enough and got another (6th) c-diff recurrence while on vacation in Maui.
After jumping through many medical bureaucratic hoops, we were finally able to get a month's (full dose) prescription for vanco. I took that 4x daily for 17 days, then tapered to 2x a day for a week, once a day for a week, once every other day for 8 days, once every 3rd day for 2 weeks and then once every 4, 5th and sometimes 6th day for awhile. About that time I read about taking stronger doses every 4-6 days. So when I reexperienced some c-diff symptoms I took a stronger dose. That approach worked twice to relieve the symptoms. Then I returned to one vanco every 3, 4 or 5 days.
Thereafter I didn't notice any 'recurrence' symptoms. So I took my last vanco last Sunday (5 days ago). Tomorrow I will go off all meds, digestive enzymes and probiotics for 3-4days before taking another stool test to determine whether I'm finally free of c-diff. I struggled with c-diff for over 9 months, like pregnancy. I wonder what that 9 month struggle did for me, besides resolve my irregularity problems?? I'll consider that in another post. This post is already too long.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Benefits of Mindful Eating
During the past few days of mindfully eating meals, I did not want to stop eating when I felt comfortably full, perhaps because I focussed on how much I enjoyed the food, RATHER than how my stomach felt. So in the future I plan to pay more attention to my stomach cues than the taste and textures of food. When I really enjoy the tastes and textures, I don't want to stop eating before my plate is empty. So I need to serve myself comfort conscious portions in order to feel comfortably full after I finish my plate. I'm still not always comfortable with stopping and leaving food on my plate at home, even though I usually do that in restaurants. I suspect some childhood connection. LOL
HOWEVER, mindfully enjoying the food during the meal prevents after meal nibbles, tastes, and 'on second thought' desserts. I really get tired of tasting and chewing after focussing ONLY on the food (without distractions of tv or reading) during a 15-30 minute meal. So when I'm finished with the meal, I don't want to taste anything else.
Another benefit of mindfully enjoying every bite of food is that I slow down, which does wonders for my already challenged digestive system. When I try to eat slowly, I seem like I'm following some 'diet rule'. However when I get lost in the tastes and textures of my food, I just naturally eat slowly. Obviously, 'getting lost in the taste of food' is something I do when I eat alone, rather than with others. I'm still learning how to balance conversation and socializing with eating and enjoying my meal.
I've tried mindful eating several times during my IE journey. I will eat mindfully for a few meals (usually when I eat alone) and notice the benefits. However, after a few days or weeks, I eventually return to mindless eating while I watch tv or read. Amazingly during this attempt at mindful eating, I noticed that I really LOVE just focussing on the food and my stomach sensations. Now I feel 'cheated' when I can't just focus on the food, because I eat with someone else. I guess that says a lot for 'try, try again'. LOL
HOWEVER, mindfully enjoying the food during the meal prevents after meal nibbles, tastes, and 'on second thought' desserts. I really get tired of tasting and chewing after focussing ONLY on the food (without distractions of tv or reading) during a 15-30 minute meal. So when I'm finished with the meal, I don't want to taste anything else.
Another benefit of mindfully enjoying every bite of food is that I slow down, which does wonders for my already challenged digestive system. When I try to eat slowly, I seem like I'm following some 'diet rule'. However when I get lost in the tastes and textures of my food, I just naturally eat slowly. Obviously, 'getting lost in the taste of food' is something I do when I eat alone, rather than with others. I'm still learning how to balance conversation and socializing with eating and enjoying my meal.
I've tried mindful eating several times during my IE journey. I will eat mindfully for a few meals (usually when I eat alone) and notice the benefits. However, after a few days or weeks, I eventually return to mindless eating while I watch tv or read. Amazingly during this attempt at mindful eating, I noticed that I really LOVE just focussing on the food and my stomach sensations. Now I feel 'cheated' when I can't just focus on the food, because I eat with someone else. I guess that says a lot for 'try, try again'. LOL
Positive Intentions
I often 'resolve' to eliminate habits or stop using habits that cause problems for me. However, I realized that NOT doing something is much more difficult that simply replacing a habit with another habit. After spending the past 3 days considering how I eat past comfortable fullness, as well as how I mismanage my time during the day, and what I want to do differently, I've developed an 'intention' list for 2010:
(1) Continue eating without distractions (tv and/or reading) as often as possible. (I can't focus as well on my food and stomach sensations when I eat with my husband--he's a great distraction!! LOL)
(2) Read and reply to emails, post here or on other sites, etc. during late afternoon, when I'm tired and want to sit, rather than in the morning when I'm energetic and have other things to do and errands to run.
(3) Go off probiotics, digestive enzymes and all meds (esp. vancomycin) so that I can do another DNA Microbial stool test to determine whether I still have c-diff. (I'm tired of guessing. 10 days off vanco should be enough time to let the spores morph into bacteria if I still have spores. Then the test will measure the bacteria, if I had spores which morphed during those 10 days.)
(4) Write SHORTER posts and/or blog entries. LOL (Rather than trying to say it all in one long, confusing post, I'll try to think about what I want to say and/or edit my comments to achieve brevity.)
That's enough for now. If I list any more than 4 'intentions', I probably won't consistently keep them. Maybe after I send my stool test sample, I can consider another intention. However, those 4 'intentions' will keep me busy for the next week or so.
(1) Continue eating without distractions (tv and/or reading) as often as possible. (I can't focus as well on my food and stomach sensations when I eat with my husband--he's a great distraction!! LOL)
(2) Read and reply to emails, post here or on other sites, etc. during late afternoon, when I'm tired and want to sit, rather than in the morning when I'm energetic and have other things to do and errands to run.
(3) Go off probiotics, digestive enzymes and all meds (esp. vancomycin) so that I can do another DNA Microbial stool test to determine whether I still have c-diff. (I'm tired of guessing. 10 days off vanco should be enough time to let the spores morph into bacteria if I still have spores. Then the test will measure the bacteria, if I had spores which morphed during those 10 days.)
(4) Write SHORTER posts and/or blog entries. LOL (Rather than trying to say it all in one long, confusing post, I'll try to think about what I want to say and/or edit my comments to achieve brevity.)
That's enough for now. If I list any more than 4 'intentions', I probably won't consistently keep them. Maybe after I send my stool test sample, I can consider another intention. However, those 4 'intentions' will keep me busy for the next week or so.
Apparently Irrelevant Decisions
In my recent quest to eat only until I feel comfortably full, I noticed that a few habits almost guarantee that I will feel overly full when I stop eating. A few years ago I read "Relapse Prevention" by Alan Marlatt. In that book he described "Apparently Irrelevant Decisions" (AIDs) which lead to eventual slips or relapses back into using undesirable habits. So I realized that a few of my food preparation and eating habits actually set me up for almost inevitable overeating at my meal.
One of those habits is just serving myself too much, rather than remembering that my empty stomach is only about the size of my loosely clenched fist. Experience has taught me that I can eat more salad containing meat and vegies (maybe 2 cups) than I can bread, peanut butter and fruit. So I now know about how much I need of almost any food to feel satisfied, if I start eating when I'm moderately hungry. Yeah, Perhaps eventually I will consistently recognize my fullness, stop eating and leave food on my plate. However, I don't always feel comfortable with doing that.
However another AID habit is eating standing up while preparing my meal. Often I enter the kitchen starved, because I don't want to be bothered with food until I feel hungry. Then I want to grab and eat something to reduce hunger pain while I prepare the meal. Then I forget all those tastes and nibbles when I sit down to eat my meal. I also want to enjoy what I served myself without feeling too full. Because I'm not totally hungry when I begin the meal, I can overestimate how much I need to feel comfortably full.
So I committed for awhile to not eat anything while preparing a meal to save my hunger for that meal. Being moderately hungry when I start the meal will enhance my enjoyment. Above all, I will have a clear starting point (moderately hungry) to assess how full my stomach feels as I eat.
One of those habits is just serving myself too much, rather than remembering that my empty stomach is only about the size of my loosely clenched fist. Experience has taught me that I can eat more salad containing meat and vegies (maybe 2 cups) than I can bread, peanut butter and fruit. So I now know about how much I need of almost any food to feel satisfied, if I start eating when I'm moderately hungry. Yeah, Perhaps eventually I will consistently recognize my fullness, stop eating and leave food on my plate. However, I don't always feel comfortable with doing that.
However another AID habit is eating standing up while preparing my meal. Often I enter the kitchen starved, because I don't want to be bothered with food until I feel hungry. Then I want to grab and eat something to reduce hunger pain while I prepare the meal. Then I forget all those tastes and nibbles when I sit down to eat my meal. I also want to enjoy what I served myself without feeling too full. Because I'm not totally hungry when I begin the meal, I can overestimate how much I need to feel comfortably full.
So I committed for awhile to not eat anything while preparing a meal to save my hunger for that meal. Being moderately hungry when I start the meal will enhance my enjoyment. Above all, I will have a clear starting point (moderately hungry) to assess how full my stomach feels as I eat.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Eating What I Want Eventually
I played mind games with my cravings before lunch today. I planned to have a peanut butter/banana wrap (on a brown rice tortilla), but I decided to substitute leftover apple slices for the satsuma, because I didn't want anything acidic. Likewise I decided to eat the glazed brownie at dinner, rather than risk reflux (from chocolate) at lunch, because I planned to walk after lunch. Ironically I found my way to those brownies after finishing the wrap and 3-1/2 slices of apple.
I rationalized that I needed to repackage them into a smaller container, now that the glaze had hardened. LOL Of course I had to sample one small brownie (1"x1"x2"). Obviously, I use portion control with treats by cutting them into small pieces. However, I could easily stop after one and a half of those brownie pieces. I felt satisfied. Unfortunately I also experienced the dreaded reflux. Fortunately I don't have 'last supper' reactions to treats. I know I can have them, when I want them. So when I finally let myself have what I want, I can stop after eating a small portion.
However, that mind game avoidance and then eventually eating the brownie tells me that I still restrict somewhat. I'm not concerned with calories, but I am still affected by all those rules about what causes reflux, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, etc. So I'm going to experiment with decreasing the Betaine Hydrochloride I take for digestion.
During the first 2 years HCl improved my digestion and protein absorption. However, this year, when I began taking vancomycin for my c-diff infection, I also began to have more reflux, which was actually ACID reflux for the first time in my life. Before I took HCl I had no obvious stomach acid in reflux. So I suspect the vancomycin hydrochloride antibiotic either increased my stomach acid too much OR eliminating the c-diff infection eliminated my need for additional HCl for digestion. I'm uncertain which, but I need to stay off all digestive supplements and probiotics for 3 days before I do another stool test for c-diff (or other bacteria, parasites and/or fungus).
So I'll just taper off the HCl tomorrow and begin abstaining for the first 3 days of January. Then I can take the test early next week. I just hope that's long enough after my last vanco to allow the c-diff spores to morph into bacteria for the test, IF I still have any spores. I HOPE I don't have any spores or bacteria now, after 9 months of c-diff treatment, tapered treatment and pulse treatment. However, only that test will tell me for sure.
I rationalized that I needed to repackage them into a smaller container, now that the glaze had hardened. LOL Of course I had to sample one small brownie (1"x1"x2"). Obviously, I use portion control with treats by cutting them into small pieces. However, I could easily stop after one and a half of those brownie pieces. I felt satisfied. Unfortunately I also experienced the dreaded reflux. Fortunately I don't have 'last supper' reactions to treats. I know I can have them, when I want them. So when I finally let myself have what I want, I can stop after eating a small portion.
However, that mind game avoidance and then eventually eating the brownie tells me that I still restrict somewhat. I'm not concerned with calories, but I am still affected by all those rules about what causes reflux, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, etc. So I'm going to experiment with decreasing the Betaine Hydrochloride I take for digestion.
During the first 2 years HCl improved my digestion and protein absorption. However, this year, when I began taking vancomycin for my c-diff infection, I also began to have more reflux, which was actually ACID reflux for the first time in my life. Before I took HCl I had no obvious stomach acid in reflux. So I suspect the vancomycin hydrochloride antibiotic either increased my stomach acid too much OR eliminating the c-diff infection eliminated my need for additional HCl for digestion. I'm uncertain which, but I need to stay off all digestive supplements and probiotics for 3 days before I do another stool test for c-diff (or other bacteria, parasites and/or fungus).
So I'll just taper off the HCl tomorrow and begin abstaining for the first 3 days of January. Then I can take the test early next week. I just hope that's long enough after my last vanco to allow the c-diff spores to morph into bacteria for the test, IF I still have any spores. I HOPE I don't have any spores or bacteria now, after 9 months of c-diff treatment, tapered treatment and pulse treatment. However, only that test will tell me for sure.
Do More of What Works
As I sat to eat my breakfast this morning, I realized I almost always feel comfortably full AND satisfied after breakfast. I don't struggle with eating past fullness at EVERY meal. Then I recalled what I learned from solution-oriented brief therapy principles: Nobody uses disordered eating habits EVERY minute of the day. So in order to decrease using those habits, they can look for and learn from their exceptions. In other words, they can do more of what work, rather than focus on what doesn't work. So I asked myself, what helps me stop eating when I feel comfortably full at breakfast and realized:
(1) I eat what I love at breakfast. I have either a peanut butter and fruit topped muffin or a bowl of hot cereal with almond butter, hazelnut milk and chopped fruit. Those foods are easy to digest vegan protein (nuts and grains), sweet, fatty and starchy foods.
(2) I serve myself the amount of those foods which usually makes me comfortably full. Do I feel like I'm dieting when I eat the same 2 breakfasts? No, because I love those foods. However, I have reduced the amounts over the years so that I feel comfortably full.
(3) I'm hungry when I start breakfast. So I know when I reach my full point.
(4) More recently, totally focussing on the food and my body sensations lets me enjoy the food so much that I don't want more 'tastes' and want to do something else.
How can I use 'what works' at breakfast to help me stop when I feel comfortably full at lunch and/or dinner?
(1) I need to seriously consider before preparing the meal: what I really want to eat, what would feel good in my stomach, which means what would digest easily, what would keep me unhungry for awhile, as well as what 'needs to be eaten', 'what I planned to eat at the next meal' or what is 'healthy' when I have a cold, fatigue or nutrient deficiency symptoms.
(2) I can usually visualize how much would feel good in my stomach. So I feel comfortable after eating with a small petit pan full of soup, casserole or even mixed foods for dinner. However I think I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied while eating any size of plate full of food. I can usually 'eyeball' a restaurant meal and plan to save a certain amount to take home. Why don't I do that at home? I consider restaurant meals excessive and always expect to take home some of my entree. At home I don't serve myself grossly large portions, just a bit too much, but enough to make me uncomfortably full. So I can either plan in advance to save some of that meal at home or I can take some off my plate and store in the refrigerator before I sit down to eat. Alternatively, in the future, when I store leftovers in individual frozen meals, I can use petit pans, rather than plates. Although that seems like 'cheating', because I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied, I want to do whatever works. Besides telling myself to stop eating when I still have food on my plate reminds me of all the 'fat' teasing from my dad and brother who said "You'll get fat if you eat more of that." So I rebel against stopping with food on my plate.
(3) I need to be moderately hungry, but not starved before a meal, in order to stop at comfortably full.
(4) Focussing at lunch helps me resist more 'snacks' or 'tastes' after lunch. However, eating dinner with my husband is more of a challenge to focussing. Tonight I'll try the netflix during dinner again, but with more comfort conscious portions.
Realizing that I don't overeat at every meal gives me the confidence to do more of what works when I stop at comfortably full: Eat satisfying foods, eat when I'm comfortably hungry (not starved), serve myself comfort conscious portions and focus on tastes, textures and stomach sensations. I'll try those ideas at lunch and dinner.
(1) I eat what I love at breakfast. I have either a peanut butter and fruit topped muffin or a bowl of hot cereal with almond butter, hazelnut milk and chopped fruit. Those foods are easy to digest vegan protein (nuts and grains), sweet, fatty and starchy foods.
(2) I serve myself the amount of those foods which usually makes me comfortably full. Do I feel like I'm dieting when I eat the same 2 breakfasts? No, because I love those foods. However, I have reduced the amounts over the years so that I feel comfortably full.
(3) I'm hungry when I start breakfast. So I know when I reach my full point.
(4) More recently, totally focussing on the food and my body sensations lets me enjoy the food so much that I don't want more 'tastes' and want to do something else.
How can I use 'what works' at breakfast to help me stop when I feel comfortably full at lunch and/or dinner?
(1) I need to seriously consider before preparing the meal: what I really want to eat, what would feel good in my stomach, which means what would digest easily, what would keep me unhungry for awhile, as well as what 'needs to be eaten', 'what I planned to eat at the next meal' or what is 'healthy' when I have a cold, fatigue or nutrient deficiency symptoms.
(2) I can usually visualize how much would feel good in my stomach. So I feel comfortable after eating with a small petit pan full of soup, casserole or even mixed foods for dinner. However I think I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied while eating any size of plate full of food. I can usually 'eyeball' a restaurant meal and plan to save a certain amount to take home. Why don't I do that at home? I consider restaurant meals excessive and always expect to take home some of my entree. At home I don't serve myself grossly large portions, just a bit too much, but enough to make me uncomfortably full. So I can either plan in advance to save some of that meal at home or I can take some off my plate and store in the refrigerator before I sit down to eat. Alternatively, in the future, when I store leftovers in individual frozen meals, I can use petit pans, rather than plates. Although that seems like 'cheating', because I 'should' be able to stop when I feel satisfied, I want to do whatever works. Besides telling myself to stop eating when I still have food on my plate reminds me of all the 'fat' teasing from my dad and brother who said "You'll get fat if you eat more of that." So I rebel against stopping with food on my plate.
(3) I need to be moderately hungry, but not starved before a meal, in order to stop at comfortably full.
(4) Focussing at lunch helps me resist more 'snacks' or 'tastes' after lunch. However, eating dinner with my husband is more of a challenge to focussing. Tonight I'll try the netflix during dinner again, but with more comfort conscious portions.
Realizing that I don't overeat at every meal gives me the confidence to do more of what works when I stop at comfortably full: Eat satisfying foods, eat when I'm comfortably hungry (not starved), serve myself comfort conscious portions and focus on tastes, textures and stomach sensations. I'll try those ideas at lunch and dinner.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Surprising Results
In my last post I described how I committed to do whatever seems necessary to stop eating when I feel comfortably full, rather than painfully full. So I first decided to eat mindfully or eat meals sitting down without any distractions, like tv or reading material. Although I previously tried 'focussed eating', I didn't try to resolve my conflicts between focussed and distracted eating. I didn't consider what distracted eating gave me and then try to get that while I ate without distractions. I already described what overeating does for me and how to get that even when I stop at comfortably full. However, I didn't previously realize the similarities between benefits of overeating and distracted eating 'benefits'. Now I realize those are the same.
At breakfast I noticed how much I really enjoyed eating with no distractions. I really got lost in the tastes and textures of my meal. I also let myself watch tv before and after the meal, without eating while the tv was on. I was not acutely aware of my stomach sensations while I ate, but I felt comfortably full when I finished my meal. I didn't want any more 'tastes', because I was 'tired of eating and ready to do move on.
At lunch I observed that I felt disappointed by the sandwich I prepared. The cranberry relish wasn't sweet enough. Yet the overall sandwich ingredients (deli turkey, margarine, lettuce, relish, bread) worked well together. (Note to self: add more sweetner to relish before next use. LOL) I only eat 2-1/2 slices of apple so that I could 'save room' for the cooky I chose for 'dessert', my favorite fruitcake refrigerator cooky. As with breakfast, I felt comfortably full when I stopped eating and felt comfortable until the dinnertime.
Then came dinner ... with my husband ... sitting at the dining room table with candlelight and no tv ... yet with those awkward silent moments when I wanted to just eat and my husband wondered why I wasn't talking ... and those questions I needed to answer just after I took a bite which I wanted to enjoy ... and those comments I needed to make after taking bites which I wanted to savor. SIGH Now I know why I chose to watch tv or Netflix movies during meals with my husband. I have never learned to stop eating long enough to talk, unless the food is supposed to be cold, because I HATE cold food, which is supposed to be hot (another side effect of being forced to sit at the table until I 'cleaned my plate' as a child). Given all that, I ate everything on my luncheon sized plate (saurkraut with apples and carrots over sausage) which could fill my stomach, but not satisfy me without the addition of a starchy (cooky) dessert.
However, I noticed I was feeling full a little over halfway through my plate, but I didn't know what I'd do with 2/3 cup of saurkraut and sausage ... not enough for a meal, but not my kind of 'snack' and certainly not something I'd want to 'throw into' casserole or soup. So I ate the WHOLE PLATE FULL, felt full but not satisfied. So I ate one tiny datenut bar (1"x1"x1") and felt STUFFED! Of course taking a high dose probiotic (127 billion good bacteria per packet) before dinner always makes me feel fuller than just eating food. Whatever ... I still feel uncomfortably full, not what I wanted to feel after a meal and especially not what I planned. However, I realize this is a learning process. Progress, not perfection ...
What I learned from dinner is:
(1) Watching tv while eating with my husband does help me eat less, because I can enjoy each bite without having to quickly swallow to talk. However, I need to find a way to stay aware of my stomach sensations. I also need to find a way to assert my need to tell my husband to stop the tv or movie, before I feel too full so I can put the rest of my food away, rather than continuing to eat. Then I can 'save room for dessert or just feel comfortably full, rather than stuffed.
(2) If I eat a 'distracted meal', I need to serve myself a 'comfort conscious' platefull of food. I feel much more comfortable with a petitpan full of food (about 1-1/2 cups) such as soup, stir fry or casserole. Even when I have separate foods, such as meat, vegie and starch, I usually mix the meat and vegie together as I eat them, because I don't like dry meat (or maybe I just don't digest meat as well?). So maybe I could prethaw my freezer dinners and serve them in a petit pan, which is all I can comfortably eat. Ironically, I don't have problems with overeating in most restaurants, because the portions are so ridiculously huge that I can easily divide my plate in half and save half for another meal. However, at home I often dish up about 50% more than I need, when I freeze individual meals for myself.
What I learned from all 3 meals is that I need to plan to include something really sweet in every meal in order to feel satisfied, at least for now. My cravings may change after I have sweet foods at every meal for awhile. Breakfast is usually not a problem, because sweet fruit on peanut butter and a muffin or sweetened cereal with fruit is very satisfying. So I just need to plan a satisfying dessert for lunch and dinner. Then dessert won't be an 'after thought' or 'after full' food.
Above all, I realized I want to journal about each eating experience for awhile. So I can observe and record what works and what doesn't work in my quest to stop eating when I feel comfortably full. Anyone who has read my previous blog entries will know that I have grappled with the 'stop when satisfied and comfortably full' issue several times. I write about what I intend to do and go into great detail about how I intend to do that. I even quote several authors' suggestions about accomplishing my intended habit change. Then I 'try out' the new habit for a few days or even a few weeks. Then I rationalize how 'normal' eating includes using the habit I wanted to eliminate (like occasional overeating). Finally, I return to using that habit so often that I realize I never changed anything. SIGH
My strongest rationalization for letting myself overeat at meals is that I don't gain weight. I also seldom feel hungry between meals. So I don't have to snack. However, I make myself uncomfortable everytime I overeat. I cause reflux by overeating. I could consume the same amount of food with smaller meals and 1-2 snacks as I consume with my one comfortable meal and 2 uncomfortable meal. Ironically, I eat a small breakfast, because I'm not that hungry after I just ate a early morning snack 1-2 hours before breakfast. Perhaps I could have a similar fruit snack late afternoon and not feel as famished before dinner. Lots to think about.
Meanwhile I intend to blog about my mindful eating attempts for awhile to see what I can learn from both my successes and my mistakes. Right now stopping at 'comfortably full' seems a lot more difficult than resisting bingeing. Maybe I need to conside my rationalizations for overeating, just like I examined my self-talk and rationalizations for bingeing, before I eliminated that habit.
At breakfast I noticed how much I really enjoyed eating with no distractions. I really got lost in the tastes and textures of my meal. I also let myself watch tv before and after the meal, without eating while the tv was on. I was not acutely aware of my stomach sensations while I ate, but I felt comfortably full when I finished my meal. I didn't want any more 'tastes', because I was 'tired of eating and ready to do move on.
At lunch I observed that I felt disappointed by the sandwich I prepared. The cranberry relish wasn't sweet enough. Yet the overall sandwich ingredients (deli turkey, margarine, lettuce, relish, bread) worked well together. (Note to self: add more sweetner to relish before next use. LOL) I only eat 2-1/2 slices of apple so that I could 'save room' for the cooky I chose for 'dessert', my favorite fruitcake refrigerator cooky. As with breakfast, I felt comfortably full when I stopped eating and felt comfortable until the dinnertime.
Then came dinner ... with my husband ... sitting at the dining room table with candlelight and no tv ... yet with those awkward silent moments when I wanted to just eat and my husband wondered why I wasn't talking ... and those questions I needed to answer just after I took a bite which I wanted to enjoy ... and those comments I needed to make after taking bites which I wanted to savor. SIGH Now I know why I chose to watch tv or Netflix movies during meals with my husband. I have never learned to stop eating long enough to talk, unless the food is supposed to be cold, because I HATE cold food, which is supposed to be hot (another side effect of being forced to sit at the table until I 'cleaned my plate' as a child). Given all that, I ate everything on my luncheon sized plate (saurkraut with apples and carrots over sausage) which could fill my stomach, but not satisfy me without the addition of a starchy (cooky) dessert.
However, I noticed I was feeling full a little over halfway through my plate, but I didn't know what I'd do with 2/3 cup of saurkraut and sausage ... not enough for a meal, but not my kind of 'snack' and certainly not something I'd want to 'throw into' casserole or soup. So I ate the WHOLE PLATE FULL, felt full but not satisfied. So I ate one tiny datenut bar (1"x1"x1") and felt STUFFED! Of course taking a high dose probiotic (127 billion good bacteria per packet) before dinner always makes me feel fuller than just eating food. Whatever ... I still feel uncomfortably full, not what I wanted to feel after a meal and especially not what I planned. However, I realize this is a learning process. Progress, not perfection ...
What I learned from dinner is:
(1) Watching tv while eating with my husband does help me eat less, because I can enjoy each bite without having to quickly swallow to talk. However, I need to find a way to stay aware of my stomach sensations. I also need to find a way to assert my need to tell my husband to stop the tv or movie, before I feel too full so I can put the rest of my food away, rather than continuing to eat. Then I can 'save room for dessert or just feel comfortably full, rather than stuffed.
(2) If I eat a 'distracted meal', I need to serve myself a 'comfort conscious' platefull of food. I feel much more comfortable with a petitpan full of food (about 1-1/2 cups) such as soup, stir fry or casserole. Even when I have separate foods, such as meat, vegie and starch, I usually mix the meat and vegie together as I eat them, because I don't like dry meat (or maybe I just don't digest meat as well?). So maybe I could prethaw my freezer dinners and serve them in a petit pan, which is all I can comfortably eat. Ironically, I don't have problems with overeating in most restaurants, because the portions are so ridiculously huge that I can easily divide my plate in half and save half for another meal. However, at home I often dish up about 50% more than I need, when I freeze individual meals for myself.
What I learned from all 3 meals is that I need to plan to include something really sweet in every meal in order to feel satisfied, at least for now. My cravings may change after I have sweet foods at every meal for awhile. Breakfast is usually not a problem, because sweet fruit on peanut butter and a muffin or sweetened cereal with fruit is very satisfying. So I just need to plan a satisfying dessert for lunch and dinner. Then dessert won't be an 'after thought' or 'after full' food.
Above all, I realized I want to journal about each eating experience for awhile. So I can observe and record what works and what doesn't work in my quest to stop eating when I feel comfortably full. Anyone who has read my previous blog entries will know that I have grappled with the 'stop when satisfied and comfortably full' issue several times. I write about what I intend to do and go into great detail about how I intend to do that. I even quote several authors' suggestions about accomplishing my intended habit change. Then I 'try out' the new habit for a few days or even a few weeks. Then I rationalize how 'normal' eating includes using the habit I wanted to eliminate (like occasional overeating). Finally, I return to using that habit so often that I realize I never changed anything. SIGH
My strongest rationalization for letting myself overeat at meals is that I don't gain weight. I also seldom feel hungry between meals. So I don't have to snack. However, I make myself uncomfortable everytime I overeat. I cause reflux by overeating. I could consume the same amount of food with smaller meals and 1-2 snacks as I consume with my one comfortable meal and 2 uncomfortable meal. Ironically, I eat a small breakfast, because I'm not that hungry after I just ate a early morning snack 1-2 hours before breakfast. Perhaps I could have a similar fruit snack late afternoon and not feel as famished before dinner. Lots to think about.
Meanwhile I intend to blog about my mindful eating attempts for awhile to see what I can learn from both my successes and my mistakes. Right now stopping at 'comfortably full' seems a lot more difficult than resisting bingeing. Maybe I need to conside my rationalizations for overeating, just like I examined my self-talk and rationalizations for bingeing, before I eliminated that habit.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
One Conflict to Resolve in 2010
Our guest minister at this evening's service pointed out that when we make resolutions for the new year, we resolve to do certain things. However, we also decide to RESOLVE conflicts in our lives or resolve to resolve. When I consider what I have 'resolved to do' in past years, I usually want to do something that I don't consistently do. For example, during the past year, I wanted to replace bingeing with normal eating or eliminate my former binge eating habit. I had been conflicted between eating normally and binge eating. Most of the time I ate normally, but occasionally (1-2 times a month) I binge ate foods I didn't eat often enough and felt deprived of those foods. So I had to resolve my conflict about whether or not to binge. I resolved that conflict by considering what was positive about binge eating or what it did for me, as well as what was bad about binge eating. I learned to eat former binge foods regularly and resolved the conflict
With that same approach I want to resolve another eating conflict during 2010. I usually eat to the point of comfortably full. However I regularly (sometimes once a day but usually once every other day) eat to the point of uncomfortably full. In order to resolve my conflict between eating just enough and overeating, I want to consider how overeating 'serves me' or what overeating gives me, which I don't believe I will get if I eat just enough. Here's what overeating allows me to do:
(1) 'Clean my plate' so I don't feel guilty about serving myself too much and 'wasting food';
(2) Eat what I REALLY wanted after I eat the foods I thought I wanted (or thought I should eat to get/stay healthy);
(3) Eat enough so that discomfort made me not want to bother with preparing food for a long time after overeating;
(4) Keep my husband company as he overeats his meal;
(5) Not have to get up and put away leftovers (from my plate) while watching a Netflix movie during dinner.
Here's what I dislike about overeating:
(1) Overeating makes me feel uncomfortably full;
(2) Overeating causes reflux;
(3) Overeating turns a potentially satisfying experience into an unpleasant experience;
(4) Overeating creates discomfort that keeps me thinking about (and regretting eating too much) food for at least an hour after the meal;
(5) Overeating makes me so uncomfortable that I don't want to sit or sleep for several hours afterwards;
(6) Overeating stretches my stomach, which already seems disproportionately large, compared to the rest of my thin body.
Although I don't like the results of overeating, I didn't previously realize what overeating allows me to do. How can I do same things without overeating?
(1) Rather than feeling stuffed after 'cleaning my plate', I can either serve myself less or keep a 'leftovers container' by my plate to remind me to put extra food away in the freezer, rather than make myself uncomfortable.
(2) Seriously consider what I REALLY want and what would feel good in my body before I prepare my meal. (Often I try to prepare for dinner what I think my husband would like, but he is happy with separate meals.)
(3) I KNOW I can snack on fruit if I feel hungry before the next meal. Fruit can restore my blood sugar but not ruin my appetite for an upcoming meal, like heavier foods might do.
(4) My husband is no longer overeating. He is storing leftovers for another meal while I continue to stuff myself. LOL
(5) I can eat more mindfully (without TV?) so that I enjoy my meal so much that I don't want more tastes after I'm full.
Above all, I need to 'get real' with myself and not discount overeating. During the past 9 months, I rationalized as I overate, "Well, at least I'm not bingeing and purging." However, at least one meal a day was a mini binge, because I overate. I may not have thought 'Oh what the heck, I might just as well binge'. However, I did rationalize that I'm thin and can 'get away with' overeating. Nevertheless discomfort from overeating told me that I didn't 'get away with' anything.
When I committed to stop bingeing (which helped eliminate purging), I agreed thgat I would do whatever was necessary to prevent binges. I need to take that same approach with overeating. I need to do whatever is necessary to prevent overeating. I don't need to rate my hunger and fullness. I know when I stop feeling hungry and start feeling full. I just need to heed that slight fullness as a serious sign to stop eating, rather than wonder how much more I can stuff into my body before I feel uncomfortable. I need to stop at the crosswalk when I see the yellow light, rather than halfway into the intersection after I notice the red light.
I need recognize uncomfortable fullness as a problem which I create by choices. I don't need to make myself uncomfortable. I need to focus on eating when comfortably hungry to the point of comfortable fullness. Any eating beyond that point is counterproductive and self-destructive.
With that same approach I want to resolve another eating conflict during 2010. I usually eat to the point of comfortably full. However I regularly (sometimes once a day but usually once every other day) eat to the point of uncomfortably full. In order to resolve my conflict between eating just enough and overeating, I want to consider how overeating 'serves me' or what overeating gives me, which I don't believe I will get if I eat just enough. Here's what overeating allows me to do:
(1) 'Clean my plate' so I don't feel guilty about serving myself too much and 'wasting food';
(2) Eat what I REALLY wanted after I eat the foods I thought I wanted (or thought I should eat to get/stay healthy);
(3) Eat enough so that discomfort made me not want to bother with preparing food for a long time after overeating;
(4) Keep my husband company as he overeats his meal;
(5) Not have to get up and put away leftovers (from my plate) while watching a Netflix movie during dinner.
Here's what I dislike about overeating:
(1) Overeating makes me feel uncomfortably full;
(2) Overeating causes reflux;
(3) Overeating turns a potentially satisfying experience into an unpleasant experience;
(4) Overeating creates discomfort that keeps me thinking about (and regretting eating too much) food for at least an hour after the meal;
(5) Overeating makes me so uncomfortable that I don't want to sit or sleep for several hours afterwards;
(6) Overeating stretches my stomach, which already seems disproportionately large, compared to the rest of my thin body.
Although I don't like the results of overeating, I didn't previously realize what overeating allows me to do. How can I do same things without overeating?
(1) Rather than feeling stuffed after 'cleaning my plate', I can either serve myself less or keep a 'leftovers container' by my plate to remind me to put extra food away in the freezer, rather than make myself uncomfortable.
(2) Seriously consider what I REALLY want and what would feel good in my body before I prepare my meal. (Often I try to prepare for dinner what I think my husband would like, but he is happy with separate meals.)
(3) I KNOW I can snack on fruit if I feel hungry before the next meal. Fruit can restore my blood sugar but not ruin my appetite for an upcoming meal, like heavier foods might do.
(4) My husband is no longer overeating. He is storing leftovers for another meal while I continue to stuff myself. LOL
(5) I can eat more mindfully (without TV?) so that I enjoy my meal so much that I don't want more tastes after I'm full.
Above all, I need to 'get real' with myself and not discount overeating. During the past 9 months, I rationalized as I overate, "Well, at least I'm not bingeing and purging." However, at least one meal a day was a mini binge, because I overate. I may not have thought 'Oh what the heck, I might just as well binge'. However, I did rationalize that I'm thin and can 'get away with' overeating. Nevertheless discomfort from overeating told me that I didn't 'get away with' anything.
When I committed to stop bingeing (which helped eliminate purging), I agreed thgat I would do whatever was necessary to prevent binges. I need to take that same approach with overeating. I need to do whatever is necessary to prevent overeating. I don't need to rate my hunger and fullness. I know when I stop feeling hungry and start feeling full. I just need to heed that slight fullness as a serious sign to stop eating, rather than wonder how much more I can stuff into my body before I feel uncomfortable. I need to stop at the crosswalk when I see the yellow light, rather than halfway into the intersection after I notice the red light.
I need recognize uncomfortable fullness as a problem which I create by choices. I don't need to make myself uncomfortable. I need to focus on eating when comfortably hungry to the point of comfortable fullness. Any eating beyond that point is counterproductive and self-destructive.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Nine Months Without Bingeing
Christmas Eve Day marked 9 months of my abstinence from binges. 10 years ago I abstained for almost 6 months. However during the next 10 years I struggled to abstain 3-4 months in a row. So I averaged a little more than one binge a month until last March, when I committed to do whatever was necessary to eliminate binges. Initially I counted weeks without bingeing. Then I counted months. Eventually not bingeing, no matter what or how else I ate, became my norm. Now I focus on eating just enough to feel comfortably full, when I feel comfortably hungry. I resist eating past 'full'. I also resist eating just because the food is there. However, I don't condemn myself when I do eat beyond full or before I'm hungry.
Above all, during the past 9 months I committed to not let myself throw up no matter how much I refluxed or felt nauseas after eating any amount. I realized that giving myself permissioin to throw up, when I felt uncomfortably full or nauseas, also gave me permission to continue to overeat or even binge. I only threw up once during the past 9 months, when I was so sick from flagyl side effects that I woke up with extreme nausea at 3am (long after dinner had digested) and couldn't fight spontaneous heaving as my body reacted to that drug. However, I learned to cope with flagyl induced nausea and didn't throw up again during flagyl treatment.
However, allowing myself 'antideprivation eating' also prevented me from wanting to overeat great amounts of any one food. Antideprivation eating allowed me to eat a few bites of dessert, even when I felt full after a meal, so that I wouldn't feel 'deprived of' that dessert food. I don't often want 'sweets' or desserts when I feel hungry. Nevertheless, I crave a 'sweet ending' to lunches and dinners.
Also I stayed aware of my 'self-talk', especially when I was in former binge situations. I avoided 'all or nothing' decisions. When I felt too full after a meal, I didn't let myself say "I blew it. I might just as well binge." When I snacked between meals, I tried to stay aware of my stomach fullness. So I would stop eating when I felt full, whether or not I started eating when I was hungry. I didn't think "I'm eating standing up between meals. This is a binge. I might just as well eat everything I haven't let myself eat for awhile" because there were no foods I restricted unless those contained my diagnosed allergens. However, my allergens are mostly ingredients. So I can still enjoy tasty 'treats' made from allergen free ingredients.
However, I also consider what I really want to eat and don't feel driven to overeat foods I previously restricted. Right now I have in my house 4 kinds of cookies, 3 different flavors of ice cream, 2 kinds of candy, leftover frosted birthday cake, zucchini bread, jam, nuts, crackers, chips. I've eaten small amount of every one of those foods within the past month. I know I can eat those anytime I want them. So I don't crave sweets or snack foods any more than I crave other foods. It's all just food now.
I wish I could say at the end of this year that I haven't binged for a year. However, I know that time will come in a few months. Meanwhile, I continue to practice grace, tolerance and moderation with my eating habits.
Above all, during the past 9 months I committed to not let myself throw up no matter how much I refluxed or felt nauseas after eating any amount. I realized that giving myself permissioin to throw up, when I felt uncomfortably full or nauseas, also gave me permission to continue to overeat or even binge. I only threw up once during the past 9 months, when I was so sick from flagyl side effects that I woke up with extreme nausea at 3am (long after dinner had digested) and couldn't fight spontaneous heaving as my body reacted to that drug. However, I learned to cope with flagyl induced nausea and didn't throw up again during flagyl treatment.
However, allowing myself 'antideprivation eating' also prevented me from wanting to overeat great amounts of any one food. Antideprivation eating allowed me to eat a few bites of dessert, even when I felt full after a meal, so that I wouldn't feel 'deprived of' that dessert food. I don't often want 'sweets' or desserts when I feel hungry. Nevertheless, I crave a 'sweet ending' to lunches and dinners.
Also I stayed aware of my 'self-talk', especially when I was in former binge situations. I avoided 'all or nothing' decisions. When I felt too full after a meal, I didn't let myself say "I blew it. I might just as well binge." When I snacked between meals, I tried to stay aware of my stomach fullness. So I would stop eating when I felt full, whether or not I started eating when I was hungry. I didn't think "I'm eating standing up between meals. This is a binge. I might just as well eat everything I haven't let myself eat for awhile" because there were no foods I restricted unless those contained my diagnosed allergens. However, my allergens are mostly ingredients. So I can still enjoy tasty 'treats' made from allergen free ingredients.
However, I also consider what I really want to eat and don't feel driven to overeat foods I previously restricted. Right now I have in my house 4 kinds of cookies, 3 different flavors of ice cream, 2 kinds of candy, leftover frosted birthday cake, zucchini bread, jam, nuts, crackers, chips. I've eaten small amount of every one of those foods within the past month. I know I can eat those anytime I want them. So I don't crave sweets or snack foods any more than I crave other foods. It's all just food now.
I wish I could say at the end of this year that I haven't binged for a year. However, I know that time will come in a few months. Meanwhile, I continue to practice grace, tolerance and moderation with my eating habits.
C-Diff Update
I didn't mention in my last 'preChristmas' post that my husband bought me one expensive Christmas gift, a $350 DNA Microbial stool test to determine whether I still have c-diff. That gift seems more like a health related necessary expense than a Christmas gift. However, I often said that all I want for Christmas is freedom from C-diff.
Nevertheless, the test results won't necessarily guarantee that I'm well, even if the test is negative for bacteria. Given my experience with spores, which hide out in gut lesions and later morph into bacteria in the absence of antibiotics, I fear the test will only show that I have no bacteria, while I still may have c-diff spores. I want to wait until I have no c-diff symptoms, after I stop taking vanco at least a week. However I experienced obvious c-diff symptoms when I delayed taking a 'pulse' dose for 6 days. I only took one vanco after 6 days. Then I felt better for a day, but got more c-diff symptoms 2 days later. So more recently I only skipped 3 days and took 2 vanco on the 4th day. Then I took high dose probiotics last night. I fear that if I wait too long between doses to take the stool test, I will have such a high amount of bacteria that I can't kill those with 'pulse doses' of vanco. I really have no idea what's going on in my gut, but I recognize know my c-diff symptoms when they occur.
Meanwhile I keep getting vancomycin side effect symptoms, specifically a plugging and ringing in my ears, which is a precursor to hearing loss, a common side effect of long term vanco use. I defintely want to stop taking vanco before I lose my hearing. However, I want to kill off the spores before they morph into bacteria which causes pseudomembraneous colitis which could destroy my colon. What to do? What to do?
My naturopathic doc is totally clueless about how to treat recurrent c-diff. However, traditional docs only use diagnostic tests which require the patient be very ill, i.e., (1) the toxin test, which measures toxins (which cause symptoms) produced by large amounts of bacteria (toxin test) or (2) a colonoscopy to look for signs of the 'pseudomembrane' on the colon. I don't want to wait until I'm sick enough for their tests. I want to keep killing off the bacteria as they morph from spores, since I can't really kill the spores with antibiotic. I want to keep killing the bacteria until there are no more spores. Unless, I have spores on the surfaces of my bathroom counters, I most likely can kill all the spores and erradicate this c-diff infection. The question is when ...
Nevertheless, the test results won't necessarily guarantee that I'm well, even if the test is negative for bacteria. Given my experience with spores, which hide out in gut lesions and later morph into bacteria in the absence of antibiotics, I fear the test will only show that I have no bacteria, while I still may have c-diff spores. I want to wait until I have no c-diff symptoms, after I stop taking vanco at least a week. However I experienced obvious c-diff symptoms when I delayed taking a 'pulse' dose for 6 days. I only took one vanco after 6 days. Then I felt better for a day, but got more c-diff symptoms 2 days later. So more recently I only skipped 3 days and took 2 vanco on the 4th day. Then I took high dose probiotics last night. I fear that if I wait too long between doses to take the stool test, I will have such a high amount of bacteria that I can't kill those with 'pulse doses' of vanco. I really have no idea what's going on in my gut, but I recognize know my c-diff symptoms when they occur.
Meanwhile I keep getting vancomycin side effect symptoms, specifically a plugging and ringing in my ears, which is a precursor to hearing loss, a common side effect of long term vanco use. I defintely want to stop taking vanco before I lose my hearing. However, I want to kill off the spores before they morph into bacteria which causes pseudomembraneous colitis which could destroy my colon. What to do? What to do?
My naturopathic doc is totally clueless about how to treat recurrent c-diff. However, traditional docs only use diagnostic tests which require the patient be very ill, i.e., (1) the toxin test, which measures toxins (which cause symptoms) produced by large amounts of bacteria (toxin test) or (2) a colonoscopy to look for signs of the 'pseudomembrane' on the colon. I don't want to wait until I'm sick enough for their tests. I want to keep killing off the bacteria as they morph from spores, since I can't really kill the spores with antibiotic. I want to keep killing the bacteria until there are no more spores. Unless, I have spores on the surfaces of my bathroom counters, I most likely can kill all the spores and erradicate this c-diff infection. The question is when ...
PreChristmas Update
I haven't posted for awhile, because I've been busy with Christmas decorating, baking, cards and visiting with friends and neighbors. This year my husband and I decided to not give Christmas presents to each other, because we both have difficulty deciding what to buy for each other. 2 years ago we just gave each other gift certificates to our favorite stores. However, I love shopping, but he doesn't. I used all my gift certificates within a few months. My husband, who warned me that the certificates would soon expire, kept his unused certificates for almost a year.
Last year we decided to buy each other one expensive gift. I wanted to buy my husband a new bicycle. However, he's very attached to his old bicycle, which needed lots of repairs and part replacements. So we took his bike to REI and I paid for a complete overhaul of that bike. I had a sewing machine which requires tricky installation of a special attachment to evenly feed both layers of fabric (a walking foot). So he bought me a new sewing machine with a dual (even) feed option. Then we just stuffed each other's Christmas stocking with edible gifts.
This year I decided to give my time, rather than spend money on presents, so that my husband didn't have to shop for presents. I baked 4 different kinds of Christmas cookies, decorated most of the house, spent a day cooking a preChristmas dinner and will spend this afternoon preparing winter (butternut squash) soup. We originally planned to eat that on Christmas Eve. However we also plan to attend an early evening Christmas service. So I decided to just cook the soup today and put away the leftovers after dinner, which we can't easily do, if we need to rush off to an early evening church servicee.
However I kept looking at those empty stockings until I decided to buy and wrap a few edible gifts for my husband. Then I added a few snack bags full of Christas cookies (to remind him of all the cookies I baked for him?). Today I want to buy for him one more 'stocking' gift of warm socks for our cold Seattle winter. Although I told my husband that I didn't need anything, I'm glad I received gifts from friends and relatives. I suspect my husband will do some last minute shopping for gifts to fill my 'sock'.
I totally enjoyed yesterday. I delivered plates of Christmas cookies to 2 different neighbors and spent time chatting with each of them. During the early afternoon an old friend came to visit me. We walked around the lake and fed crows, coots and squirrels. Then I made lunch which we enjoyed, while we continued to share our latest news.
I'll post more later about how we actually celebrated Christmas ...
Last year we decided to buy each other one expensive gift. I wanted to buy my husband a new bicycle. However, he's very attached to his old bicycle, which needed lots of repairs and part replacements. So we took his bike to REI and I paid for a complete overhaul of that bike. I had a sewing machine which requires tricky installation of a special attachment to evenly feed both layers of fabric (a walking foot). So he bought me a new sewing machine with a dual (even) feed option. Then we just stuffed each other's Christmas stocking with edible gifts.
This year I decided to give my time, rather than spend money on presents, so that my husband didn't have to shop for presents. I baked 4 different kinds of Christmas cookies, decorated most of the house, spent a day cooking a preChristmas dinner and will spend this afternoon preparing winter (butternut squash) soup. We originally planned to eat that on Christmas Eve. However we also plan to attend an early evening Christmas service. So I decided to just cook the soup today and put away the leftovers after dinner, which we can't easily do, if we need to rush off to an early evening church servicee.
However I kept looking at those empty stockings until I decided to buy and wrap a few edible gifts for my husband. Then I added a few snack bags full of Christas cookies (to remind him of all the cookies I baked for him?). Today I want to buy for him one more 'stocking' gift of warm socks for our cold Seattle winter. Although I told my husband that I didn't need anything, I'm glad I received gifts from friends and relatives. I suspect my husband will do some last minute shopping for gifts to fill my 'sock'.
I totally enjoyed yesterday. I delivered plates of Christmas cookies to 2 different neighbors and spent time chatting with each of them. During the early afternoon an old friend came to visit me. We walked around the lake and fed crows, coots and squirrels. Then I made lunch which we enjoyed, while we continued to share our latest news.
I'll post more later about how we actually celebrated Christmas ...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Mortality and Memories
After my cousin's husband received my Christmas card, he called to tell me that she died on November 6. He knew my cousin and I had been very close, but he couldn't find a phone number or email address for me at the time of her death. When her health was seriously deteriorating before she died, I was in Maui. So she died within a week after I returned. I wish I had known so that I could have attended the funeral.
I'm still in shock. My cousin was like a sister to me. She was 6 months younger than I am. Her mom was my mom's only sister and my closest aunt. That aunt encouraged and supported me more than anyone else in my younger years. When my mom would criticize me for being 'fat' (because I wasn't as thin as my older brother), my aunt would defend me. My aunt was the mother I wished I had. When I was in junior high every Sunday I walked 4 miles to attend Sunday school at a church which my cousin also attended. After Sunday School I went home with my cousin and spent the rest of the day at her house until my dad drove over to pick me up, because my mom didn't want me to 'bother' my aunt. My aunt NEVER considered me a 'bother'. My cousin treated me like her twin sister, although we didn't look exactly alike.
I talked to my cousin on the phone during early September, before I went to Maui in October. She had just come home from a long hospital stay where she struggled with congestive heart failure, contracted c-diff and began regular kidney dialysis. She had been overweight and had diabetes for years. So the heart and kidney problems were results of long term diabetes. When we talked on the phone, my cousin couldn't remember much of her recent hospital stay, because she was in and out of consciousness. However, she did remember getting treated for c-diff, tested and treated for a recurrence of c-diff. So we shared our c-diff experiences. Even though my cousin had just spent several months in the hospital literally fighting for her life, she eagerly listened to my c-diff experience. I wanted to know about her hospital experience and health challenges, but she wanted to hear about my health challenges. She had always been interested in me, no matter what struggles she endured.
I can hardly believe my cousin died, even though I mentally know the extent of her health problem from diabetes, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, etc. She had just turned 62 in late August. I've been 62 for almost a year and don't feel old. Most people tell me that I don't look my age. They guess that I'm 15-20 years younger than I am. Even though I read obits about women who die during their 40s, 50s and 60s, I just can't believe my cousin died of diabetic complications at age 62.
My father also died of diabetic complications in his 60s (age 65). In fact most people in his side of the family over the age of 40 developed type 2 diabetes and later died of diabetic complications. So I know I would be susceptibleto diabetes if I let myself become overweight. That spectre of diabetes partly influenced my decision to lose 40 pounds after I gained the 'freshman 25' and stay on the 'thin side' for the past 40+ years. However, I must admit that my commitment to never give anyone reason to tease me about being 'fat' again initially had a greater influence on my decision to stay thin for the rest of my life.
When I was in junior high and high school I was average weight and intelligent. I also had many close friends. However, I wasn't in the 'popular clique'. I belonged to the 'brainy' clique of students who took all the honors classes in high school. Nevertheless, my mother regularly chided me for not being 'thin, pretty and popular' like my cousin. Fortunately I didn't let my mother's attitude (that I was never good enough) interfere with my relationship with my cousin. When we attended the same high school, we were in different social circles. However, she always was friendly to me.
When my parents decided to move across the state during the middle of my senior year, I was devastated. I had attended grade school, junior high and high school with many of the same friends. I loved my high school and looked forward to graduating with a class of almost 1,000 students. So my aunt asked my mom if I could live with their family (and graduate with my cousin) for the remainder of my senior year. I really wanted to live with them and graduate with my class. However, true to form, my mother said she didn't want to 'burden' my aunt. So my mom insisted that I move during the middle of my senior year and finish the year at a new school 600 miles away from my friends and cousin. My mother rationalized that she had done that as a high school student (and was still bitter about her move), so I should be able to also adjust. I DID adjust. I graduated with a 3.95 average (one B in the latter part of my senior year in the new school but all As for the rest of high school). However, I didn't make many close friends at my new school. I did find ways to secretly rebel against my mom during the rest of my senior year.
After high school I saw my aunt and my cousin infrequently. My cousin and I went our separate ways until her father's unexpected death in his early 50s. I saw my cousin at that funeral and 2 years later at the funeral of her mom and my aunt, who committed suicide after struggling with grief for 2 years after her husband's death. Then I saw my cousin only a few more times, once after my mom's death and another time when she and her husband and 2 children visited Seattle. I met her and her girls for shopping and then again in the evening for a long dinner. Thereafter I talked to my cousin at least once a year on the phone. I called her on holidays, like her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Occasionally she called me. She always loved to talk when I called, but I eventually suspected that I missed her more than she missed me.
Now I miss her painfully. The shock is wearing off and the pain is setting in. Maybe her death triggers all the pain from other deaths of my aunt, my ex-husband's mom, my own mom and dad. Perhaps my pain comes from regret about missed opportunities to get together. I regret not calling my cousin again after I got back from Maui. However, I also realize that she may have not been available to talk. At the end of October her health was rapidly deteriorating. During one of her last hospitalizations, she contracted MRSA. Her husband told me that she recovered from MRSA after getting antibiotic treatment. However she also had been put on a c-pap machine to facilitate her breathing which was diminished by congestive heart failure. Soon thereafter she developed pneumonia. She never recovered from that and died November 6, one month and one day before I learned of her death.
Perhaps because I look younger than I am and because I actively work to stay healthy, I seldom think about death from illness. I eat healthy foods, because I abstain from my food allergies (which eliminates junk and fast foods) and eat mostly a vegan diet. I exercise daily, get enough sleep, don't smoke, drink alcohol or take any OTC drugs. I've never used 'recreational' drugs. Despite having CD and 6 food allergies, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, high HDLs (the good cholesterol) and healthy CBC test results. I initially feared complications from c-diff, when I was first diagnosed with that bacteria. However, I now believe I will eventually eradicate all the c-diff spores with 'pulse dose' vancomycin treatment. I don't feel 'old'. I feel healthier than I felt 10 years ago. However, the death of my cousin, who was 6 months younger than I am, vividly reminded me of my own mortality.
I'm still in shock. My cousin was like a sister to me. She was 6 months younger than I am. Her mom was my mom's only sister and my closest aunt. That aunt encouraged and supported me more than anyone else in my younger years. When my mom would criticize me for being 'fat' (because I wasn't as thin as my older brother), my aunt would defend me. My aunt was the mother I wished I had. When I was in junior high every Sunday I walked 4 miles to attend Sunday school at a church which my cousin also attended. After Sunday School I went home with my cousin and spent the rest of the day at her house until my dad drove over to pick me up, because my mom didn't want me to 'bother' my aunt. My aunt NEVER considered me a 'bother'. My cousin treated me like her twin sister, although we didn't look exactly alike.
I talked to my cousin on the phone during early September, before I went to Maui in October. She had just come home from a long hospital stay where she struggled with congestive heart failure, contracted c-diff and began regular kidney dialysis. She had been overweight and had diabetes for years. So the heart and kidney problems were results of long term diabetes. When we talked on the phone, my cousin couldn't remember much of her recent hospital stay, because she was in and out of consciousness. However, she did remember getting treated for c-diff, tested and treated for a recurrence of c-diff. So we shared our c-diff experiences. Even though my cousin had just spent several months in the hospital literally fighting for her life, she eagerly listened to my c-diff experience. I wanted to know about her hospital experience and health challenges, but she wanted to hear about my health challenges. She had always been interested in me, no matter what struggles she endured.
I can hardly believe my cousin died, even though I mentally know the extent of her health problem from diabetes, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, etc. She had just turned 62 in late August. I've been 62 for almost a year and don't feel old. Most people tell me that I don't look my age. They guess that I'm 15-20 years younger than I am. Even though I read obits about women who die during their 40s, 50s and 60s, I just can't believe my cousin died of diabetic complications at age 62.
My father also died of diabetic complications in his 60s (age 65). In fact most people in his side of the family over the age of 40 developed type 2 diabetes and later died of diabetic complications. So I know I would be susceptibleto diabetes if I let myself become overweight. That spectre of diabetes partly influenced my decision to lose 40 pounds after I gained the 'freshman 25' and stay on the 'thin side' for the past 40+ years. However, I must admit that my commitment to never give anyone reason to tease me about being 'fat' again initially had a greater influence on my decision to stay thin for the rest of my life.
When I was in junior high and high school I was average weight and intelligent. I also had many close friends. However, I wasn't in the 'popular clique'. I belonged to the 'brainy' clique of students who took all the honors classes in high school. Nevertheless, my mother regularly chided me for not being 'thin, pretty and popular' like my cousin. Fortunately I didn't let my mother's attitude (that I was never good enough) interfere with my relationship with my cousin. When we attended the same high school, we were in different social circles. However, she always was friendly to me.
When my parents decided to move across the state during the middle of my senior year, I was devastated. I had attended grade school, junior high and high school with many of the same friends. I loved my high school and looked forward to graduating with a class of almost 1,000 students. So my aunt asked my mom if I could live with their family (and graduate with my cousin) for the remainder of my senior year. I really wanted to live with them and graduate with my class. However, true to form, my mother said she didn't want to 'burden' my aunt. So my mom insisted that I move during the middle of my senior year and finish the year at a new school 600 miles away from my friends and cousin. My mother rationalized that she had done that as a high school student (and was still bitter about her move), so I should be able to also adjust. I DID adjust. I graduated with a 3.95 average (one B in the latter part of my senior year in the new school but all As for the rest of high school). However, I didn't make many close friends at my new school. I did find ways to secretly rebel against my mom during the rest of my senior year.
After high school I saw my aunt and my cousin infrequently. My cousin and I went our separate ways until her father's unexpected death in his early 50s. I saw my cousin at that funeral and 2 years later at the funeral of her mom and my aunt, who committed suicide after struggling with grief for 2 years after her husband's death. Then I saw my cousin only a few more times, once after my mom's death and another time when she and her husband and 2 children visited Seattle. I met her and her girls for shopping and then again in the evening for a long dinner. Thereafter I talked to my cousin at least once a year on the phone. I called her on holidays, like her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Occasionally she called me. She always loved to talk when I called, but I eventually suspected that I missed her more than she missed me.
Now I miss her painfully. The shock is wearing off and the pain is setting in. Maybe her death triggers all the pain from other deaths of my aunt, my ex-husband's mom, my own mom and dad. Perhaps my pain comes from regret about missed opportunities to get together. I regret not calling my cousin again after I got back from Maui. However, I also realize that she may have not been available to talk. At the end of October her health was rapidly deteriorating. During one of her last hospitalizations, she contracted MRSA. Her husband told me that she recovered from MRSA after getting antibiotic treatment. However she also had been put on a c-pap machine to facilitate her breathing which was diminished by congestive heart failure. Soon thereafter she developed pneumonia. She never recovered from that and died November 6, one month and one day before I learned of her death.
Perhaps because I look younger than I am and because I actively work to stay healthy, I seldom think about death from illness. I eat healthy foods, because I abstain from my food allergies (which eliminates junk and fast foods) and eat mostly a vegan diet. I exercise daily, get enough sleep, don't smoke, drink alcohol or take any OTC drugs. I've never used 'recreational' drugs. Despite having CD and 6 food allergies, I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, high HDLs (the good cholesterol) and healthy CBC test results. I initially feared complications from c-diff, when I was first diagnosed with that bacteria. However, I now believe I will eventually eradicate all the c-diff spores with 'pulse dose' vancomycin treatment. I don't feel 'old'. I feel healthier than I felt 10 years ago. However, the death of my cousin, who was 6 months younger than I am, vividly reminded me of my own mortality.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Now What?
Last Wednesday was my 15th day of 'every 3rd day' pulse dose vancomycin treatment for c-diff. I never previously continued that far in the 'pulse dose' phase of treatment. This morning (3 days later) I experienced nausea, cramping pain and diarrhea again. I wonder whether my c-diff spores have 'morphed' into bacteria again right on schedule with the every 3rd day treatment plan. However, I had planned to go 4-5 days before taking more vanco. So I may just ride out these symptoms and take a vanco or 2 tomorrow.
I wonder whether the diarrhea is related to increased fiber during the past 3 days. I've eaten hot cooked cereal (with rice bran) for breakfast and soups or casseroles (with rice bran thickener) for dinners during the past 3 days. However, that doesn't explain the nausea and cramping pain, which are my usual c-diff symptoms. I want this long c-diff nightmare to be over YESTERDAY. I wish I had a doctor who knew how to treat c-diff recurrences. I can only rely on online articles about studies which successfully treated recurrences.
I observe that my symptoms appear about every 3 days and disappear after taking 1-2 vanco on that third day. Also daily taking 2 probiotic capsules seems to eliminate the diarrhea. I had thought that taking vanco caused the diarrhea, because vanco destroys the good bacteria. However I noticed after not taking vanco for 3 days that my c-diff symptoms and diarrhea returned today. I'm rather confused. I wish I knew for sure what's going on.
I could get another $350 DNA Microbial Stool Test which could confirm whether or not I still have c-diff. However, I prefer to wait until I'm symptom free before taking that test. As long as I have symptoms, I still suspect I have newly 'morphed from spores' bacteria which are creating toxins and causing those symptoms. Here I go again ... I told my husband that the only thing I want for Christmas is to be free of c-diff by Christmas. He told me to get that expensive test to tell me for sure.
I wonder whether the diarrhea is related to increased fiber during the past 3 days. I've eaten hot cooked cereal (with rice bran) for breakfast and soups or casseroles (with rice bran thickener) for dinners during the past 3 days. However, that doesn't explain the nausea and cramping pain, which are my usual c-diff symptoms. I want this long c-diff nightmare to be over YESTERDAY. I wish I had a doctor who knew how to treat c-diff recurrences. I can only rely on online articles about studies which successfully treated recurrences.
I observe that my symptoms appear about every 3 days and disappear after taking 1-2 vanco on that third day. Also daily taking 2 probiotic capsules seems to eliminate the diarrhea. I had thought that taking vanco caused the diarrhea, because vanco destroys the good bacteria. However I noticed after not taking vanco for 3 days that my c-diff symptoms and diarrhea returned today. I'm rather confused. I wish I knew for sure what's going on.
I could get another $350 DNA Microbial Stool Test which could confirm whether or not I still have c-diff. However, I prefer to wait until I'm symptom free before taking that test. As long as I have symptoms, I still suspect I have newly 'morphed from spores' bacteria which are creating toxins and causing those symptoms. Here I go again ... I told my husband that the only thing I want for Christmas is to be free of c-diff by Christmas. He told me to get that expensive test to tell me for sure.
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