Monday, November 30, 2009

Additional Reactions to Food, Inc.

The documentary didn't specifically mention the following ideas, but we (my husband and I) intend to:

(1) Eat more vegan meals. We already eat vegan breakfasts daily, vegan lunches 2-3x a week, and vegan dinners twice a week. We can easily increase the number of vegan lunches and dinners (from legumes and grains or legumes and nuts or seed combination foods) which we consume.

(2) Limit our consumption of poultry to organic, free-range, antibiotic free poultry, but at least turkey once or twice a year.

(3) Limit our consumption of other meats to organic, free-range, antibiotic free animal sources.

(4) Mostly eat local or homegrown products. Some of our foods come from Pacific Northwest companies like Bob's Red Mill in Portland, which produces many of our gluten free grains and cereals. However, we buy most of our gluten free sandwich breads from Ener-G foods in Seattle. My husband drives right by their bakery on his way to work. I make all of our quick breads and pastries, like fruit breads, cakes and cookies. We previously made all our own dairy/soy free icecream. However, we recently began buying Truly Decadent coconut milk based frozen desserts. I intend to either investigate that company's location and practices or resume making my own vegan 'vice' cream.

(5) Continue to freeze whatever we don't immediately consume from our produce garden harvest and other farmers' market purchased produce for later use.

(6) Try some local vegan restaurants. Perhaps that will introduce us to more vegan entree ideas. I already found many great vegan meat substitute recipes in my allergy free cookbooks.

(7) Finally, continue to eat nonallergenic foods that are healthy for our bodies. Above all, eat no more than we need according to physical hunger/fullness sensations. Serve ourselves only as much as we can comfortably consume. Then freeze leftovers for future meals. Cook in quantity to save food for future meals. We can waste less food by only serving ourselves what we need. If we feel overly full or even stuffed after a meal or if we eat more than necessary to maintain our ideal weight, WE ARE WASTING FOOD. Obviously weighing more than our ideal healthy weight means we wasted food just as effectively as throwing away good food. The solution is not to serve ourselves more than we need.

The "Food, Inc." documentary really opened our eyes to unhealthy practices in the food industry. We now better understand all the 'fuss' about non GMO foods, free range raised animals, antibiotic free meat and organic produce. We're glad we belong to and shop at a local food coop. Most of all, we appreciate what that coop is doing to support local farmers and oppose big food industry conglomerate practices.

Suggestions from "Food, Inc."

Here are suggestions from Food, Inc. to help us avoid illness from foods we eat and to avoid supporting big food industry conglomerates which promote dangerous and inhumane techniques to raise produce and meat products:

(1) Proper handling of meats: We already sterilize cutting boards and wash our hands thoroughly after handling raw meats. However I intend to abstain from poultry that isn't organic, not fed antibiotics or isn't raised free range. Of course 'free range' can merely mean the door of the chicken coop was left open the day the food inspector came to the farm. So we intend to ascertain how our meat was raised before we buy chicken or other meat in the future. We're considering buffalo.

(2) Read labels: We already read the ingredients on everything we buy, because we have multiple food allergies.

(3) Buy locally: We already buy many local products, but we can do better.

(4) Buy organic, non GMO products: We can easily do that at PCC. However, some fruits, which we peel, don't need to be organic. Nevertheless, we can still buy local 'farmers' market more than store bought produce.

(5) Raise your own produce: We already do that and store much of our harvest in the freezer for later consumption. We grow strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and grapes. We also grow lettuce, kale or spinach, carrots, leeks, green beans, peas, zucchini or crookneck or spaghetti squash (depending on the year), brocolli, tomatoes and 20 different herbs. After watching 'Food, Inc.' we discussed increasing the size of our gardens to raise even more produce.

In another post, I will describe how we plan to implement some suggestions from "Food, Inc."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Reactions to Food, Inc.

Last night we finished watching the Netflix DVD of the documentary "Food, Inc." I was both shocked by what I saw and embarrassed because I didn't know how big food companies controlled how farmers raised animals and plant crops for maximum yield in minimum time. Ironically before I watched that DVD, I had read a "Consumer Reports" article about how most raw chicken meat in this country contained high amounts of salmonella and campylobacter. As someone who has struggled with several intestinal bacterial infections, that article introduced me to what I saw in 'Food, Inc.'

I was most shocked to see how farmers for huge poultry conglomerates raised chickens for slaughter. Multitudes of chickens were crowded into chicken houses with overhead feed mechanisms. So the chickens ate and defecated in the same area with little room to even move. So they constantly stood and layed in their excrement. If one chicken developed bacterial infections, they all got the same bacteria. Furthermore, they were fed antibiotics purportedly to keep them healthy. However those antibiotics sped up the growth rate and helped develop heavier birds. Many birds were so heavy they had difficulty walking or even standing. Heavier, sick birds died and lay in the coop with the healthy ones until the 'gatherers' came to take the chickens to market.

I won't describe the inhumane treatment of those chickens during that 'gathering' process, because they would be killed for market anyway. However that 'treatment' just increased the possibility of bacterial infection. Of course the poultry industry warns us to thoroughly cook poultry to kill the bacteria, as well as sterilize any utensils or cutting boards used in preparation. However, the presence of those salmonella and campylobacter bacteria in most chickens says the antibiotics in the chicken feed don't eliminate those bacteria. The antibiotics just create bigger, heavier chickens which can barely walk. Then we consume unnecessary antibiotics, which can make our bodies resistant to those antibiotics, should we ever need those drugs to fight an infection.

Then I watched how cows were raised for slaughter and saw similar situations where cows were crowded together and covered with their excrement. If one cow got bacteria, they all were susceptible. I never have liked beef that much anyway. So that portion of the documentary turned me completely against buying big name brand 'beef'.

However, we began watching that documentary a day after Thanksgiving. We had purchased and baked an organic, free range turkey from our local Puget Consumers Coop, mainly because they don't add sugar to their turkeys. However I had previous purchased some Foster Farms chicken drumsticks. The Consumer Reports article study showed that 'FF' chickens rated high salmonella and campylobacter. Those cute chicken commercials don't tell the whole story.

Another part of the documentary showed how big food industries (specifically corn and soybean) controlled how the farmers raised their crops. I don't eat soy anyway because I have a diagnosed allergy to soy. After my husband previously had a suspicious thyroid nodule, he also limits how much soy he consumes. However we both consume products made from corn, because we abstain from gluten to avoid gluten intolerance and celiac reactions.

My first reaction to the documentary was to decide to go 'vegan' and not eat any more meat. Then I recalled how difficult a vegan diet can be without soy, which we can't eat. So I decided to use only vegan protein combinations (like legumes and grains or legumes and nuts or seed) PLUS fish. Then my husband and I discussed whether we could find any 'free range', humanely handled, locally grown poultry. We will look for those 'labels' the next time we go to PCC or even Whole Foods. However, I doubt we will find many poultry products with those labels. I don't care whether I ever eat beef again.

I was pleased and intrigued by the suggestions at the end of the documentary about how to fight big food conglomerates' hold on farmers and prevent illness from store bought meat or other food products. In another post I will describe what the Food Inc. documentary suggested to avoid supporting big food glomerate tactics. I will also comment on what we already do.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This year we've simplified Thanksgiving dinner. Instead of making 'stuffing', we followed a recipe which uses chopped apples and onions to 'stuff' the turkey. We limited side dishes to 3, which are brussel sprouts (my favorite), corn (necessary for my husband) and yams (we both like). Instead of dessert, we'll just enjoy some nonalcoholic wine with dinner. If we want dessert later, we still have my husband's birthday carrot cake with orange/peach/ginger icing. YUMMEEE!!

Rather than eating later in the day, we're trying to have a mid afternoon meal. I'm usually hungry midday and not as hungry by evening, when I'm just tired and want to go to bed. Also we will have time and space after dinner to begin a new jigsaw puzzle on the dining room table. Hopefully we will finish that puzzle before we need the table for Christmas dinner. LOL

Rather than trying to fit in exercise sometime between food preparation or after dinner before darkness falls, we walked after breakfast this morning. I also prepared as much food as I could during the previous 2 days. So we only had to season and stuff the turkey and cook that along with the vegies. (I made cranberry relish 2 days ago to intensify the flavor.)

With simpler dinner preparation, we have more time to focus on the 'thanks' or gratitude part of Thanksgiving. So today I feel grateful for the following:

(1) I finally know how to eat normally any food that feels good (doesn't cause allergic reactions) in my body. Whether that food is considered 'healthy', high fat, high sugar, or whatever, I can listen to my body cues of hunger, satisfaction, fullness and comfort to tell me when, what and how much to eat. I no longer fear 'losing control' or overeating. I can easily maintain my ideal weight by eating intuitively.

(2) I feel healthy, even though I don't know whether 7 months of treatment has completely eradicated all my c-diff 'spores', and have none of the usual 'life style' maladies which plague people my age.

(3) I feel blessed by financial security, a house without a mortgage, an adequate health insurance plan, enough 'classic' clothes which flatter my figure, no matter what fashion dictates, and time to do whatever I want.

(4) I am continuing to learn and grow in my relationship with my husband, who has both taught me and learned from me during the past 15 years of our marriage.

(5) God's grace, both through salvation for the afterlife, and His daily presence, pardon and provision for my health and well-being in this life.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Then vs. Now

Yesterday morning I awoke from a disturbing dream. I remember that I wanted to throw up. I wanted to get away from other people to find a private bathroom. I didn't feel sick, but I was aware of too much food in my stomach. Maybe I felt guilty about what I eat. I sensed I had eaten cookies and felt full of doughy, sweet food. When I finally found an empty bathroom, I tried but could not throw up. Then I woke up.

My first reaction to the dream was to wonder why I even wanted to throw up when I felt no discomfort and was not refluxing from being overly full. After 8 months of successfully resisting bingeing and purging, I felt alarmed about even dreaming about wanting to purge. Over the past 8 months I have endured discomfort of overeating and resisted throwing up, no matter what.

Later I realized that dream had a positive message, because I had wanted to throw up but physically could not. That's dramatically different from my experience over the past 10 years. More often than not, I had not intended to throw up, but I felt painfully full after consuming moderate amounts of allergens and the food was already refluxing, when I decided to throw up. However, many years ago, I decided to throw up after feeling guilty about eating too many calories or too much high fat food. Usually I decided to continue overeating after I decided I would eventually throw up. Nevertheless, more recently food allergies and other intestinal problems caused discomfort and severe reflux before I considered throwing up.

Ironically I overate later that evening at my husband's 'birthday dinner'. Then I experienced severe reflux which showed me why I could so easily throw up after eating too many sweet foods. My husband requested liver and onions, french fries and green beans for his birthday dinner. I had already baked and frosted a carrot cake, which we planned eat for dessert after dinner. So I intended to eat only a small serving of the liver, fries and beans. However, the liver was SOOOOO tender and tasty, that I decided to eat the whole portion. I also recalled how good I always felt after eating liver, because I had borderline anemia for many years. So I felt obviously full after the meal BEFORE dessert.

Nevertheless I planned to eat a small amount of cake with ice cream with my husband. I served myself and ate about 3 bites of cake and 2 spoonfuls of ice cream. However, that small amount took me from obviously full to painfully full. I knew from experience that sipping ginger tea and just distracting myself from the discomfort would give my stomach time to digest the food, which would relieve my discomfort. However, while putting away the birthday candles, I bent over to reach a bottom draw. Bending over when I was overly full made me reflux my dessert. So I quickly stood up to prevent throwing up. I swallowed some tea to wash the food back down. Then I recalled reading that foods with high amounts of sugar and fats (like frosting) caused the lower esophageal valve to relax, just like caffeine or alcohol (which I avoid). I know I can eat small amounts of high sugar/fat containing foods and not reflux. However overeating foods that relax the lower esophageal valve almost guarantees reflux for me.

Then I understood why years ago I could easily throw up after drinking too much alcohol or overeating sweets or chocolate. I never forced myself to throw up. I just 'went with the flow' because the food was coming up anyway. That all makes sense now ... especially the panicky sensation I experienced after eating some sweet foods. I now know that I have a cane sugar allergy, which causes immediate rapid heart beat (tachycardia), which can seem like a panic attack. Even when I wanted to eat moderate amounts of sweet foods those tachycardia symptoms would make make think I was overly excited or frightened by the food.

I also felt out of control around foods which I restricted until the next binge eating episode. I believed I could avoid binges by abstaining from those 'binge' foods. However, I eventually learned that restriction actually influenced me to binge eat those foods, rather than eat them moderately. Although refluxing and rapid heart beat symptoms influenced me to throw up, fear, restriction and feeling deprived influenced me to binge.

That was then and this is now. Now my diagnosed allergies restrict me from eating certain ingredients (like wheat, dairy, eggs, cane sugar, soy, vanilla and nutmeg). However I can still eat all pastries (cake, cookies, pies, breads) which are prepared from allergen free ingredients. For example, I made a carrot cake with beet sugar, palm kernal shortening, cinnamon, flax meal (instead of eggs) and gluten free flours like rice, tapioca and bean flours. I can still eat sweets made from allergen free ingredients. So I don't feel deprived of favorite foods. I just prepare (or buy) any foods with safe ingredients.

I no longer fear I will 'lose control' and binge, because I know I DECIDED to binge and I DECIDED to throw up, when I could have resisted even when I felt painfully full and was refluxing. Above all, I can trust my body to stay in a healthy weight range when I usually eat only when hungry and stop eating when I'm moderately or comfortably full. After an overeating episode, I just don't want to eat as much, because I remember the discomfort and don't want to suffer that pain again.

After overeating birthday dinner and cake, I ate much smaller meals (and more snacks) so that I would not feel 'full' today. I enjoyed eating 'just enough', rather then reach full every time I ate. I initially thought I would not want any more birthday cake for several days, after the reflux incident. However after a small lunch I wanted to try another taste. So I sliced off a 1/4 inch sliver and enjoyed about 4 small bites without feeling overly full. I didn't want any dessert after dinner tonight. I plan to have a small salad and a larger piece of cake for lunch tomorrow. After that, I may return to fruit or ice cream for dessert. Besides, at the rate my husband is eating his cake, there won't be any left in few days. LOL

After 8 months of consciously training myself to eat foods I loved to prevent feeling deprived, stop eating when I felt full, rather than stuffed, resist throwing up no matter how sick I felt, I finally prefer feeling comfortably full or even just satisfied. I can confidently eat any foods I want and maintain my ideal weight. I can quickly recover from an occasional overeating episode and return to normal eating, without considering 'compensation' by purging or starving. Even with 7 diagnosed food allergy restrictions I eat more 'normally' now than I ever did before.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Taste vs. Stomach Cues

Every so often I reread "Appetite Awareness Workbook" by Linda Craighead. I suspect that book, more than any other, helped me stop bingeing and purging, but also learn to prefer feeling comfortably full rather than stuffed when I stop eating. I previously had read in 'Weigh Down Workshop' and 'ThinWithin' that the flavor of food diminishes as we become satisfied. So the authors of those 2 books suggest that diminished taste is a good signal to tell us stop eating. However Linda Craighead says:

"Taste, or rather anticipated taste, is not a good signal to use when deciding when to eat ... Taste is also not a good signal to decide when to stop eating. Most foods still taste good at the moderate fullness point. If you rely on the taste as your signal to stop, you will eat until the food no longer tastes good, or until the food is gone ... Since taste is a very powerful and natural signal, it is better to respect that signal and work with it rather than try to trick it ... Use taste as one of the signals you use to decide what type of food you are going to eat; doing so protects you from developing feelings of deprivation ... Balance the power of the anticipated taste with accurate predictions about how that food is going to make you feel once it gets past your mouth."

Linda Craighead also explains why relying on stomach cues, rather than taste, to decide when to start eating and when to stop eating, prevents inner struggles and/or feelings of deprivation. She says:

"When you listen more to your stomach and less to your mouth, you will find it easier to stop after moderate amounts of food. Your mouth is focused on taste, so you may end up feeling deprived is you don't eat as much as you want. Your stomach signal is based on fullness, not taste. Your stomach signal is the secret to eating less without feeling too deprived. You don't debate the issue or try to justify eating more. By using stomach signals, you take the decision to stop eaitng out of the psychological realm. If you focus on getting psychologically satisfied, anything less feels negative. When your goal is just to get food, you can feel good about stopping at moderate fullness."

Relying on stomach cues vs. taste or psychological 'satisfaction' simplifies for me the entire eating decision process. If I don't feel satisfied when I feel comfortably full, I can choose another food the next time I feel hungry and eat. If I enjoy how a food tastes, but feel comfortably full while I'm still enjoying that taste, I can always have that food the next time I feel hungry.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Habit Change: Observations

I'm amazed at how well I did during the past few days with eating 'just enough' at all 3 meals. I suspect motivation was key to my success. Rather than let rationalizations like, "I'll starve if I don't leave the table stuffed" or "I don't need to lose any more weight, so I should ignore fullness", I wanted to just see if I COULD stop at comfortably full. I doubted that I could even recognize 'just enough' or 'satisfaction'. I sometimes ate beyond 'no longer hungry', but I stopped at 'comfortably full' at each meal.

This experiment of stopping when I feel satisfied, 'just enough' and/or comfortably full reminds me of what Karen Koenig suggested in her "50 Tips to Help You Succeed at 'Normal Eating'". In the section about hunger, she said:

"14. Consider your hunger as a signal that you need fuel, not that you have to go out and seek the most fantastic eating experience of your life.

15. Practice believing that hunger is for fuel and pleasure, not for meeting emotional needs."

Those tips reminded me that eating can be pleasurable, but I have many other physical pleasures. However, overeating to the point of physical discomfort is NOT pleasureable. Above all, not every eating experience will be the 'most fantastic experience of (my) life'. Considering each meal as a way to nourish my body, rather than reward myself for enduring daily struggles or procrastinate unpleasant tasks, helps me stop eating when my BODY tells me (with slight fullness cues and absence of hunger) that the food served its purpose of nourishing my body.

This morning during my long hot shower, I contemplated what other physical pleasures I enjoy as much (or more than eating) and recalled the following:

Long hot showers

Wearing comfortable warm clothes on cold days and light clothes on hot days;

Long walks in any weather;

Aerobic exercises and/or yoga stretches;

Sound, restful sleep;

Drinking water when I'm thirsty;

Drinking ginger tea when I feel nauseas or have a cold;

Biking or playing tennis during the summertime;

Ice skating during the wintertime;

Active household chores when I feel energetic;

Smelling flowers in my garden or lavender scented pillows;

Restful activities (like blogging or sewing) when I feel tired.

I suspect I've overlooked other physical pleasures. However that list is enough to remind me eating is not my only physical pleasures.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Habit Change: Fears and Facts

Stopping at 'comfortably full' at breakfast and lunch seemed so easy that I wondered why I fall back into overeating at meals so easily. FEARS AND RATIONALIZATIONS influenced my slide back into overeating. Here are the fears and rationalizations, which I hear myself saying when I no longer feel hungry or even slightly full, but I still want to eat:

(1) If I don't leave the table feeling obviously full (or even stuffed), I'll get hungry before the next planned meal, like when I'm out walking or running errands, or even before my husband gets home for dinner. If I eat a snack when I feel that hunger, I either won't want to eat the meal with my husband or I'll eat what I really wanted to eat at the meal and feel too stuffed.

(2) I didn't get to eat enough of what I really wanted to eat.

(3) I took probiotics with this meal. So the fullness I feel comes from intestinal bloating, not 'enough' food.

(4) I don't need to lose weight. Why worry about stopping at 'just enough'? If I overeat at this meal, I can just eat less at the next meal.

In order to resist those rationalizations, here's how I can respond to thoughts which motivate me to ignore slightly 'full' sensations and keep eating to the point of physical discomfort:

(1) I can't believe I'm still listening to that silly rationalization. I now eat 4x daily. So my meals are no more than 4 hours apart after my early morning fruit snack. I'm seldom starved for meals unless I ignore my stomach cues. I also know which food combinations will keep me unhungry for at least 4 hours. Above all, my blood sugar seems to have stabilized (after 8 months on not bingeing). So I no longer get those blood sugar peaks and valleys. I also don't crave and/or consume sweet foods as often, perhaps because I finally eliminated candida overgrowth.

(2) I need to not only choose foods which I enjoy and which feel good in my body, but also decide which food (when I have more than one at a meal) I most want to eat. I already learned to prevent feeling psychologically deprived (to prevent binge cravings) by eating my favorite foods regularly. However, choosing to eat first the food I most enjoy usually ensures that I will feel physically satisfied, when I no longer feel hungry or even slightly full. In order to feel satisfied, I have to eat the most satisfying (for me) foods. That's a no brainer!!

(3) After taking higher dose probiotics for a while I treat c-diff, I can differentiate intestinal bloating from stomach fullness. However stopping at no longer hungry, rather than comfortably full, at dinners can only help me to sleep better, because we often eat within 3 hours of bedtime.

(4) The most important reason to stop at 'just enough' is to feel BETTER after eating, rather than worse. LOL For so many years, while I had food allergies, I grew accustomed to intestinal discomfort or even excruciating pain after eating, even though I no longer suffered discomfort from hunger. So eating and feeling better was a strange and new concept for me. Nevertheless, I'm now accustomed to feeling comfortable after meals, when I don't overeat. I DO deserve to feel comfortable after meals. Feeling comfortable frees me to think and do things unrelated to food or eating. Life is so much more than food or eating.

This is a great time to practice eating 'just enough' without fear of weight loss. For me the 'holidays' begin Monday with my husband's birthday, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by leftovers and holiday get-togethers, followed by Christmas and post holiday get-togethers. I've also learned that eating comfortable sized portions of those higher calorie density foods allows me to eat less volume, feel more satisfied (from fats) and then feel 'unhungry' much longer. What a great time to practice eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied!!

Habit Change: Acknowledgment

In order to change a habit, I need to nonjudgmentally acknowledging what I do. In order to acknowledge what I do, when I overeat, I need to define overeating. For me 'overeating' means continuing to eat past 'no longer hungry' or 'satisified'. However, 'satisfied' is elusive for me. Does that mean 'physically satisfied' or 'emotionally satisfied'? I often go for extra food because my 'mouth' (or my mind?) wants a taste of something sweet. Actually I can eat less when I stop at physically 'enough to no longer feel hungry' and then eat one or 2 bites of something sweet. Obviously I have difficulty with the notion of 'enough'.

Maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry AND I lose interest in the food I'm eating. Or maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry AND the food, which tasted WONDERFUL when I was hungry, just tastes 'so so'. Or maybe 'enough' is when I no longer feel hungry but begin to rationalize that I need to finish my vegies to get more fiber or finish my meat dish to get more protein or similar 'healthy eating' rationalizations. My confusion about 'enough' may influence my overeating.

Maybe I need to consider occasions when I do not overeat, when I feel stop eating at comfortably full. I seldom overeat at breakfast. I'm usually hungry before I eat that meal. So I decided to observe what I did at breakfast. Just deciding to observe myself made me more aware of my body sensations and my behaviors. I refrained from 'tastes' while I prepared my meal, which was a bowl of hot cereal with chopped pears and almond butter, one of my favorite meals. Although the tv was on while I ate, I paid attention to how each bite tasted, but mostly to how my stomach felt.

I noticed that I felt bored with eating toward the end of the bowl of cereal. I was glad when I took my last bite, because the cereal didn't taste as fantastic, I was bored and I was ready to move on to another activity. Nevertheless, I really enjoyed what I ate. I didn't scrape every last bit of cereal from my bowl, because I was motivated to stop when I felt satisfied, in order to observe how that happened. So I mindfully observed physical sensations and thoughts while eating.

I noticed at breakfast that eating mindfully by paying attention to physical sensations and thoughts and eating exactly what I wanted helped me stop at 'just enough'. So I decided to apply those ideas to lunch. I got home from running an errand late (after 2pm), but knew I had previously prepared tuna salad and a presliced apple in the fridge, plus a bit of apple Lara bar in the cupboard. I heated an English muffin and served the tuna salad atop the muffin. I knew I really would enjoy the muffin/tuna salad combo, but I also wanted a few bites of apple. So I started with 2 slices of apple, but wanted to save most of my 'hunger' for that tuna salad topped muffin. I observed how my stomach felt as I ate and REALLY enjoyed the tuna muffin. After I finished that, I no longer felt hungry, but still wanted another bite of apple. That's when I often start to overeat. However, I just ate another slice of apple and stopped when I felt slightly full. (I no longer wanted to eat any Lara bar.)

Getting up from the table without feeling obviously full seemed really strange. I must overeat so often that 'comfortable' seems weird. Nevertheless, I was committed to observe what I thought and felt after stopping at comfortably full at lunch. My motivation was not preventing weight gain or even preventing discomfort. I was just curious and wanted to see how stopping at comfortable full felt at that time of day. Although I thought I might get too hungry before the next meal (a fear which can influence my overeating), I enjoyed that comfortable, light feeling of 'just enough' in my stomach. I could easily bend over to pick threads from the rug without refluxing immediately after lunch. I wonder how often I cause reflux simply by overeating.

Stopping at 'just enough' seemed too simple. Why don't I do that more often? However, mindful eating (paying attention to stomach sensations) and eating first what I most enjoyed required conscious decisions. I also resisted 'tastes' while I prepared lunch, because I wanted to save my hunger for the most enjoyable part of my meal (the tuna topped muffin), rather than just poke food into my mouth to stop the hunger ASAP. Above all, nonjudgmental curiosity, rather than fear of weight gain or discomfort, motivated me to stop at 'just enough'.

I initially intended to discuss in this post what influences my overeating at meals. However, considering what works to help me stop at just enough seems more effective that focussing on what doesn't work. So at future meals, I'll try to: (1) decide what I really want to eat, (2) save my hunger for that food, (3) mostly eat that food, with only a few supplemental bites of lesser favorites, (4) pay attention to my stomach sensations and (5) stop eating at the instant I sense any fullness or stomach distention. Above all, I will let my stomach sensations tell me when to stop eating, rather than listen to fears or rationalizations about why I should continue eating.

Habit Change: Motivation

During an IM conversation a friend said she continued to overeat because she was 'addicted' to food. I prefer to view my overeating as a series of well-practiced habits, rather than 'addiction'. I practiced overeating for many years, especially while I binged and purged. So I have well-practiced overeating habit patterns in my brain. When I don't consciously try to stop eating at 'just enough' or 'comfortably full' or even 'satisfied', I can easily slip into old habits of eating until my plate is empty, getting up from the table to get a bite (or even more) of something sweets to satisfy my mouth cravings or even eat bites of leftovers while I put food in refrigerator containers. Obviously I don't just have one kind of overeating habit.

I also need to consider my motivation to replace overeating with eating just enough. I was VERY motivated to eliminate bingeing and purging, but only recently became motivated enough to do whatever was necessary to change those habits. After many years of regularly bingeing and purging, I slowly decreased my binge/purge episodes. Learning and practicing intuitive (hunger/fullness) eating helped me decrease those episodes by 50% (I went from over 40 episodes a year to under 20 a year when I learned to obey my stomach cues.) After a few years of averaging once a month, I committed to totally eliminate binge/purge episodes. I tried committing not to purge no matter what. However, I have a long history of reflux, nausea and vomitting from illness. I realized there are occasions when I get so sick (especially in the middle of the night) that I uncontrollably vomit and continue dry heaving for hours afterward. So I decided that I needed to commit to not binge, which can make me reflux and easily throw up.

I recognized that I DECIDED to go from overeating to bingeing when I told myself "Oh what the heck, I'm overeating anyway, I feel uncomfortably full, I might just as well eat whatever and as much as I want, get sick and throw up." So in order to prevent binges, I needed to commit to commit to STOP eating when I felt discomfort, rather than continue eating past the point of discomfort. After enduring several episodes of feeling uncomfortably full, I learned to stop sooner and sooner.

I also learned to eat foods I really enjoyed, so that I wouldn't feel so 'deprived' that I wanted to eat all the foods I missed all at once in a binge. So I did 'antideprivation' eating, which made me eat the foods I craved when I craved them. I didn't make perfect progress toward eliminating bingeing. After 5 months of abstinence, I binged once this year in January and 2x during March. However, those 3 episodes just motivated me to work even harder to examine how I decided to binge and change those thought and behavioral patterns. I also tracked on my calendar the days that I did NOT binge. The days turned into week, and then weeks turned into months. Now I have not binged (or purged) for 8 months. I believe with the same kind of motivation and conscious examination of my thought and behavior patterns I can eliminate overeating.

However, I have NOT always been motivated to change my overeating habits. I rationalize that I'm not overweight. I can overeat at one meal and then eat less at other meals that day and not gain weight. Although I know that continual overeating (and eating before I feel hungry) can cause weight gain, I can easily rationalize that I don't need to stop eating when I no longer feel hungry, because I don't need to lose weight.

Nevertheless, overeating causes reflux and that uncomfortable 'stuffed' feeling. When I take probiotics (usually with dinner), I get that 'stuffed' feeling more easily, because my intestines become bloated as they adjust to additional 'good bacteria'. I can feel uncomfortably full more quickly when I take probiotics. So I use that 'uncomfortable' feeling as my 'stop eating' signal. Unfortunately, I sometimes continue eating until I feel uncomfortably full at meals, when I don't take probiotics.

So my greatest motivation to stop eating at 'just enough' is comfort. I previously described that motivation in my 'comfort diet' post. However, I wonder whether that motivation is enough, because I continue to eat past comfort sometimes. So I may need to look at the specific situations where I overeat and the different kind of overeating habits I practice. Maybe I use different rationalizations for different situations or different overeating habits. I will discuss that in a futuret post.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

How Much Is Enough?

I haven't posted for almost 2 weeks. Several situations influenced me to ask myself "how much is enough". First, my treatment program for recurrent c-diff ... I just took the last 'every other day' dose and wonder how to proceed with an every third day pulse dose phase. Secondly I overate to the point of discomfort at lunch for the past 2 days. So I wonder how I decide 'enough' when I eat. I wonder whether I'm looking for emotional resolution, rather than merely physical satisfaction, when I eat. Finally, I hesitated to post on this blog, because not much has changed during the past 10 days. I'm still treating for c-diff, I'm still overeating to the point of discomfort once every few days or so. I'm still wondering how much time I want to spend online. So I'll elaborate on those 3 areas ...

When I first began this round of treatment for recurrent c-diff, I had not decided how long to continue 'pulse dosing'. Previously I stopped after 8 days of every other day. Then I took high dose probiotics for 7 days before we went to Maui. Unfortunately that treatment failed to eliminate c-diff. So I altered the treatment slightly this time. I took vancomycin 4x a day for 17 days, rather than 14 days. Then I started the tapered doses (2x a day, then once a day), followed by pulse (once every other day) doses. As previously, I took one daily probiotic capsule (8-12 billion viable good bacteria). However I continued to have diarrhea while doing the tapered dose phase. So I decided to take 2 daily probiotic capsules (to increase the 'good bacteria' to 16-24 billion) daily. That resolved the diarrhea almost immediately. I haven't had any diarrhea for almost 2 weeks.

However recently (for the past 2 nights) I've woken up with severe cramping pain in my intestines. The first time began with right sided pain which moved to left sided pain, then back right and left again, as though some allergen were moving through my gut. Since I had purchased and eaten some supposedly safe (allergen free) deli salads just before experiencing that pain, I suspected allergens. Then the pain seemed to disappear during the day. However, I experienced the same cramping but moving pain last night after having no discomfort during the day. Perhaps that pain is related to taking probiotics at night, because my usual allergy cramps continue during the day often for several days or weeks.

Today was my last every other day vanco. So I planned to skip 2 days before taking another vanco. However that nighttime pain plus the nausea I experienced this morning makes me wonder if I have some c-diff symptoms. I've also read that some pulse dose programs recommend a higher dose every 3 days. So rather than my usual 125 mg, I could take 250 mg. I'm also considering taking another vanco today (12 hours after my other vanco) to increase today's total dosage. I just don't know what those cramping and nausea symptoms mean. I sure hope this is not recurrent c-diff. However, if I do have c-diff symptoms, I certainly have enough vanco to increase the dosage on an every 3rd day pulse dose regimen. I'm going to pray about this decision.

As mentioned I overate to the point of discomfort for the last 2 days. Actually each situation was different. Yesterday I enjoyed a peanut butter with mango wrap and most of a small apple for lunch. However, I planned to walk to the mall (in the rain) after lunch. I suspect I nibbled on peanut butter out of the container, because I was anxious about getting wet and cold (after fighting a cold for the past few days). So I consider that extra tablespoon of peanut butter 'emotional eating'. I was eating to distract myself from anxiety about getting cold and wet.

Today I overate what I really wanted to eat after eating some grapes to 'stave off hunger' so that I could prune flowers before lunch, even though I was already hungry for lunch. Today was the first partly sunny (not rainy) day we've had for awhile. I wanted to prune overgrown hydrangeas for the past week. So I delayed lunch by snacking on grapes and went out to prune those flowers. However, I planned to have a tomato, lettuce and deli turkey sandwich for lunch (with a few more grapes). By the time I finished the sandwich and more grapes I was STUFFED, but I still wanted something sweet for desert. So I had one bite of an apple 'Lara Bar' (apples, dates, walnuts, almonds, raisins, cinnamon). I didn't want more after that, but I felt painfully full ... AGAIN. I wondered why I didn't stop at 'comfortably full'. I realized I planned to eat that sandwich, but spent my appetite on grapes. So I still wanted what I planned. The solution for that situation would be to just eat, when I initially felt hungry, what I planned to eat, rather than 'stave off' hunger with something I eat everyday (grapes), but doesn't appeal as much as the planned sandwich.

Still I wonder why I have such an emotional investment in 'lunch'. I usually eat 'just enough' at breakfast and dinner. Lunchtime (which can be anytime from 1:30-3pm) is when I most often overeat. I suspect I need to consider each overeating situation differently to resolve this problem, because I don't overeat for the same reasons each time. Maybe I feel most guilty about overeating at lunch, because I want to be hungry when my husband comes home so we can eat dinner together. When I overeat at lunch, he has to wait until I feel hungry enough again for dinner. I don't worry about weight gain, because that amount of overeating doesn't seem to effect my weight at all. Maybe I naturally compensate by eating less at the next few meals after overeating. However, I regret overeating at all, because I cause myself unnecessary discomfort.

Finally, blogging ... Should I post shorter comments more often? When I wait so long between posts, I tend to write longer posts. I know at least one person reads this blog. However, am I writing for myself or for 'silent' readers? Lately I've hesitated to write anything, because I STILL don't know whether I resolved the c-diff problem, I'm STILL eating past satisfaction an average of once every other day or so. The good news is I have abstained from bingeing (and purging) for almost 8 months now. Maybe the eating past full is the last disordered eating habit for me to eliminate. Time will tell with c-diff, overeating and this blog ...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Comfort Diet

During the past 7 years I learned to eat 'intuitively' or 'normally' (according to which book I read). However, I disliked obeying so many 'rules' for normal eating or 'guidelines' for intuitive eating. I actually liked the simplicity of obeying my body cues for hunger and satisfaction (or fullness). I preferred eating foods that felt good in my body, especially after learning I had celiac disease and food alleriges which caused extreme discomfort after eating certain foods. Nevertheless, I resisted obeying rules like 'focus on the food while eating', 'eat sitting down', 'eat in a calm environment', etc. Some of those 'rules' came from ThinWithin 'guidelines for conscious eating'. Other suggestions came from 'normal eating' gurus like Karen Koenig and Geneen Roth.

Rather than memorize and obey a checklist of eating behavior rules, I preferred a simpler, more physical approach. Above all I wanted to eat only when hungry, foods that felt good in my body and stop eating when I felt satisfied to resist feeling uncomfortably full. I didn't believe I needed to follow a list of rules about specifically where I ate and what I did while I ate in order to honor my body cues of hunger (or not) and physical comfort.

Evemtually I decided that I only needed to consider physical comfort. I followed a 'comfort diet'. I preferred to eat when I was moderately (or comfortably) hungry to avoid discomfort of extreme hunger and avoid discomfort of indigestion when I ate before I was hungry. I preferred to eat foods that didn't cause allergic reactions or other painful symptoms (reflux, cramping intestinal pain, etc.) in order to avoid gut discomfort. I preferred to stop when I felt satisfied or comfortable to avoid the discomfort from being overly full. When I did occasionally eat past 'comfortable', I interpretted that 'overly full' feeling to mean 'stop eating this instant' or 'not another bit', because more food would just make me feel worse, not better.

Obviously, my 'comfort eating' approach revolves around PHYSICAL comfort (or discomfort) sensations, rather than emotional comfort (or discomfort). I know that no amount of eating or not eating can resolve emotional issues. Actually I prefer to not eat when I'm emotionally upset. However, I also won't let myself get too uncomfortably hungry, when I'm coping with negative feelings.

I recently realized that my 'comfort diet' perspective can help me avoid weight and/or body image related eating behavior. When I returned home from my vacation, I weighed exactly the same 'ideal' amount as when I left. However, I decided to weigh again after a week and noticed that I lost 2 more pounds. Maybe that weight loss came from dehydration from vancomycin related diarrhea or from eating less roughage. Whatever the source of weight loss, I panicked (I don't need to lose weight) and overate for the next few days. I ate more high protein, healthy fat foods, like sardines, which are a great source of vitamin D, but I still overate to the point of physical discomfort.

Then I realized that I cared more about physical comfort than I cared about the number on the scale. I haven't weighed to see whether I gained back those 2 pounds, but I won't let myself overeat again to the point of discomfort. Overeating just doesn't feel good. I've had enough digestive pain from food allergies, CD and bacterial infections (like c-diff). I certainly don't need to cause more digestive pain by overeating.

Maybe I should weigh again to reassure myself that I regained those 2 pounds. However, I will just trust that my body will return to whatever weight is healthy for me as I eat when I'm comfortably hungry, foods that feel comfortable in my body and stop eating when I'm comfortably satisfied. Why complicate that 'comfort approach' with external measurements (like weight)? My internal body sensations are more accurate and reliable than any number on the scale.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Time and Temperature Adjustment

I've been back in Seattle for the past 8 days. My first big adjustment was temperature. We left 86 degree Maui weather and experienced 46 degree Seattle weather on our first day back. I didn't begin to feel warm for another 48 hours, when Seattle temperature rose to mid and upper 50s (and I took a 20 minute hot shower). Today was a relatively warm (high in mid 60s) day, just before a string of rainy, windy and cold days. Fortunately I found time today to plant crocus bulbs which arrived while we were gone. I don't need to plant the 'hardy cyclamen' until later, because those are actually summer blooming bulbs. Slowly I adjusted to Seattle weather as I found and wore my favorite winter jeans, sweaters and coats.

The other big adjustment was time. Maui time is 3 hours later than Seattle (PDT) time, before we set clocks back on Halloween. When we first got back I went to bed late and woke up late, because my body was still on 'Maui time'. Returning to Pacific Standard time helped me adjust more quickly. Then I got a cold, which made me feel tired enough to go to bed right after dinner. That really helped me reset my internal clock.

Fortunately drinking lots of ginger tea, taking vitamin C and extra zinc helped minimize the symptoms and extent of that cold. However, I took advantage of my cravings for spicy, tomato based foods. So we had spaghetti when I first got the cold. Even though I was feeling much better today, I made 'Bengal Lentil' rice casserole for dinner. I wanted to prepare a dish with a microwavable pouch of very spicy 'Bengal Lentils'. After reading the very spicy ingredients, I decided to add some recently harvested garden vegies (leeks, carrots, tomatoes) as well as chopped red peppers and celery, a microwavable pouch of brown rice and a can of chicken (more protein for my nonvegan husband) to spread the spices farther over additional ingredients. I also served that with bland cooked sliced zucchini to tone down the spiciness. I LOVED that dish and my husband 'liked' it. He doesn't like tomato based spicy foods as much as I do. In retrospect I should have omitted the garam masala I added to the casserole. The 'Bengal Lentil' pouch was spicy enough. LOL

I've been soooo busy during the past week, that I haven't updated this blog until tonight. Since we returned from Maui over a week ago, I

unpacked and put away clothes, jewelry and makeup;

shopped for groceries (so we had more than frozen spaghetti with sauce for dinners);

sorted, prepped and did the laundry;

harvested the rest of the carrots, green beans and zucchini, most of the tomatoes and thinned the leeks;

transferred my winter clothes and sweaters into my 'active' closet and stored lightweight/summer clothes in my 'inactive' (office closet);

pruned dead flowers;

went to the mall to pay bills which arrived while we were in Maui (I try to shop at stores which don't require me to mail payments);

cleaned bathrooms;

handwashed lingerie and kitchen sheers (valances);

did my daily yoga/aerobic/weight lifting and daily 60-90 minute walks;

voted by mail in local election;

answered emails;

finished one week of 2x daily vancomycin and began once a day vanco tapered dose treatment.

So I'm still taking vanco to treat c-diff 6 months after diagnosis. I sure hope I can eliminate that bacteria with tapered and pulse dosing this time. I'm actually doing very well symptom wise. A few days ago I started having constant diarrhea (over 5 times a day) and wondered whether I was really eliminating c-diff. However, I also realized that my probiotic (good bacteria) levels (which control gut motility) are very low. Now that I'm only taking one vanco daily, I decided to increase the amount of probiotics I take, because the lower antibiotic (vanco) level won't kill off all the good bacteria from the probiotic. So last night I took 2 probiotics with dinner. The diarrhea completely disappeared by morning. Normal stools today. YAYYYY!!! So I took 2 more probiotics with dinner tonight. Maybe I'll also stop bruising so easily. With only one daily vanco I can time that dose to give the probiotics enough time to work before I take more antibiotic and kill good bacteria.

Even though I have time and enough vanco to stretch out the tapering and pulse dosing treatment for a month, I still have nagging fears that c-diff will recur. Not that I have any obvious symptoms, but 4 recurrences shook my confidence in vanco treatment. So I reguested prayer (and annointment with oil) during a healing service at my church on Sunday night. I believe God can heal me (as well as guide me toward healing). However, I also believe that there is a lesson in every experience. I'm uncertain what lesson God intends to teach me with this c-eiff infection. Nevertheless, I'm much more sympathetic toward thin women with bloated tummies. I want to tell them to get allergy tests, celiac tests or stool tests for bacteria, fungus or parasites. They don't have to 'live with' IBS symptoms.