Friday, January 30, 2009

Revised Passions List

On second thought, I decided to edit my passions list. I feel strongly about and get lost in activities related to the following passions:

(1) Health: Cooking allergy free food, promoting CD and food allergy awareness, learning to eat intuitively (start when hungry, eat foods my body needs, and stop when satisfied), and even activities like walking, biking, tennis are all related to my passion for improved health and well-being, after suffering years of misdiagnosed gastrointestinal symptoms.

(2) Clothes: Shopping for, modelling, sewing, altering, wearing classic, sometimes fashionable, but always flattering garments.

(3) Sunny, warm weather: I live in Seattle. I prefer to live in Maui. Need I say more? LOL

(4) Birds: Besides feeding crows and coots during daily walks, my husband and I maintain 5 feeders, a birdbath and 2 nest boxes. However, I'm also a penguin 'freak' and collected stuffed penguins and other penguin related memorabilia until I started telling everybody 'no more penguins' LOL. Nevertheless, my husband still calls me 'Queen Penguinea' and refers to stuffed penguins as my loyal subjects.

(5) Music: Besides playing the piano, I love listening to music while I sew, and prefer a contemporary praise song oriented worship service at our church. I previously sang in church and other choirs, but now I just sing during long walks, hikes, bikerides or whenever I need to motivate or energize myself. I also love to visit musical instrument stores and try other stringed instruments (besides piano).

My husband often says that we most want as adults what we most missed as small children. That may explain some of my passions:

(1) HEALTH: As a child I hated what my mom cooked for dinner, was forced to eat it anyway, often threw up during the night, had chronic eczema and constipation (which were related to undiagnosed celiac disease), had 'sinus allergies' which I later traced to dairy allergy, and was teased for being 'fat', because I had a 'fat' stomach (which was I later learned was 'bloated' due to food allergies). My original college major was honors pre-med. Though I later switched to psychology, I continued to read health related books and magazines all my life.

(2) CLOTHES: When I was very young, I wore my older brother's hand-me-down clothes. When I was older, my mother often told me that she would buy me nice clothes when I was thin. She also told me how she wished she had a pretty little girl whom she could dress in nice clothes. (I interpretted that to mean she got me with my bloated tummy, instead of the 'pretty little girl' she wanted.) After I lost enough weight in college to look 'thin', I began and never stopped wearing flattering clothes.

(3) SUNSHINE: I grew up in Eastern Washington (Spokane) and Kansas. We moved to gray, rainy Seattle in my senior year of high school. Seattleites go crazy when the sun comes out momentarily. I hate being inside when the weather is sunny or outside when the weather is gray. I have full spectrum lights throughout my house and 2 special SAD light boxes in studio and breakfast bar (where I eat 2 meals a day). I love my Seattle home and neighborhood, but after my husband and I married in Maui, I would prefer to live in Lahaina, Maui.

(4) BIRDS: We had (3 or 4) parakeets when I was young. I still love visiting pet stores and talking to cockateils. As a child I often had 'flying' dreams. I have read 'flying dreams' signify a desire for freedom, which for me was freedom from an abusive childhood.

(5) MUSIC: I took piano lessons when I was in grade school, but my mom always showed me how she could play much better than I ever could. (She also ripped up and resewed my homec sewing projects.) My parents constantly played LPs from those great musicals from the 50s and popular classics. My favorite early memory is sitting in my dad's lap and listening to classical music. I sang in an 'all city chorus' during junior high. Even though my parents didn't attend any church, I found a nearby church, attended VBS and then regularly attend Sunday School until we moved across town. Then I attended a church, where my cousin also attended. I never forgot the hymns I learned to sing at those 2 churches.

We may never be able to 'go home again', but we may carry pieces of our childhood in our hearts as we pursue our passions.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Passion vs. Obsession

Someone on the Food & Feelings board asked about the difference between passions and obsessions. So Karen Koenig posted this:

"As with food, this subject is all about self-regulation. Passion is a healthy amount of enthusiasm/attention for an activity and is life-enhancing in the long run, whereas obsession is too much enthusiasm/attention and is life-harming in the long run. Passion adds to your life while obsession detracts. Passion nourishes while obsession sucks you dry.

In my personal and professional experience, I've found that as people recover from eating problems that have consumed their focus, they make room for other outlets. You have to be careful that you're not driven to produce but to enjoy; that's what creates passion. Here are passions of people I know: politics and the news, quilting, working to rescue animals, computer games, reading, films, playing the piano, photography, cooking, learning Spanish ... People engage in these activities not because of the end product but because of how they feeling during the activity.

Passion is an end in itself. People with eating problems often have no activities in which they can relax, have fun and make a mess. Passion allows messes and mistakes; productivity doesn't. Allow yourself to find your passions and your life will be infinitely enriched. However, look for balance. It feels good when you've done a job--any activity--well. You feel a sense of mastery and achievement. You don't have to choose between passion and productivity. You can have both, but it's important to understand the difference and know what you need in the moment and in your life."

I suspect obsession involves fear of what might happen if we didn't pursue the obsessive (compulsive?) activity. However passions involve only pleasure and fulfillment. So I can easily talk myself out of pursuing my passions, in favor of more productive activities, which I believe I 'should' do for fear of what will happen if I don't. For example, I enjoy reading and even blogging, but I try to limit reading in bed or blogging late at night, because I know I need sleep and will feel tired, irritable and headachey the next day, if I don't get enough sleep. I enjoy sewing new clothes, but I know I need to do the laundry regularly, especially when I'm almost out of underwear! LOL I don't think I'm obsessive about sleep or clean underwear, but those were just 2 examples that occurred to me.

I also suspect any activity can become either a passion or an obsession, depending on how I approach the activity and what I tell myself while pursuing that activity. I also know that as I have 'normalized' my eating habits and eliminated any disordered eating habits, I more often FEEL excitement and boredom, anticipation and dread, pleasure and pain both sides of most feelings. Rather than distracting myself from negative emotions, in order to only experience positive emotions, I let my emotional reactions to activities guide me to choose to do more of what I enjoy and less of what I don't enjoy. I also suspect any 'shoulds' or activities which are motivated by fear can become 'obsessions', rather than passions.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

More about Passions

Just when I was about to list activities which I consider my passions, Karen Koenig posted the following on her "Food & Feelings" board:

"There sure is alot of confusion about passion and productivity. They're like apples and oranges, if you'll excuse the allusion. Passionate activity has no aim but itself. With passion, there is no goal, measurement of success, no endpoint except stopping the activity. The purpose of passion is to be engaged, to feel full up with joy, to be in the moment and nowhere else. Productivity is another story. It is outcome-oriented and can be measured. There is nothing right or wrong with either process, but they should not be confused with each other.

What are your beliefs about passion and not being productive? Where did you come to (wrongly) believe that being productive is better than being non-productive? That doing is better than simply being? That every action must have a purpose or goal? That perfection is better than having fun? Two books which might help sort this stuff out are: Eckhart Tolle's THE POWER OF NOW and Thomas Moore's CARE OF THE SOUL."

Hmmmm ... I realize many of my activities involve productivity. I sometimes discount what I do online, writing for my own blog, commenting on other's blogs, supporting friends with daily IM or email exchanges. I keep thinking I should limit my online time so that I can do something more productive like sew, walk, cook, clean, etc. Am I really passionate about writing, even when nobody reads or comments about what I write? Can I write just for the sake of writing? I certainly did that with this blog, although I deleted previous blogs, because I didn't receive many reply comments.

Nevertheless, I want to honestly acknowledge what I feel passionate about. I sometimes discount many of the following items as unnecessary, too difficult, wasted time, unsuitable for my situation, age, health challenges, etc. However, I feel strongly about the following and/or lose track of time while engaged in the following:

(1) WILD BIRDS: Feeding coots (waterfowl) while walking around our local lake, watching songbirds at our feeders, bird bath and nesting boxes;

(2) SUNNY WEATHER: being outside (walking, biking, playing tennis, etc.) in the sunshine, which is limited during Seattle winters and why I want to live in Maui, after we retire;

(3) CLOTHES: I love shopping for and trying on clothes, whether or not I buy them, making new garments and altering old garments to fit better, and "What Not to Wear" on TLC. Yes, I modelled for awhile in vintage fashion shows. I would love to work for a boutique like Serendipity in Maui!

(4) SEWING especially garments, but also doing alterations for my husband's clothes. I dislike doing pattern alterations, because I just want to sew. Last Christmas I only requested and received one gift from my husband: a new sewing machine.

(5) HELPING other people with digestive issues, especially celiac disease, food related IgG allergies and other intestinal imbalances. (I led a celiac disease support group for 2 years and organized 2 celiac disease awareness walks in my city.)

(6) READING, esp. anything related to fashion, sewing, health, allergy free cooking, or any of my other passions. (I devour books like I used to binge.)

(7) POSTING entries on this blog and comments on others' blogs, especially about recovering from gastrointestinal issues or disordered eating habits.

(8) COOKING healthy allergy free food (I seldom follow exact recipes, because I prefer 'creative' cooking.)

(9) MUSIC, especially inspirational, instrumental. I would like to find more time to play my piano. I love our Sunday Evening Worship services which features contemporary praise songs and frequently original compositions by the music team leader and/or members.

(10) Did I mention MAUI? LOL

I intended to analyze whether each of those activities are passion or productivity. However many of those items are both, i.e, I enjoy the process, but I also create a 'product'. In order to allow myself to enjoy the process, during activities like sewing, I need to release any expectations about the 'product'. Playing my piano is mostly a process. Maybe walking around the lake to feed coots is predominately a 'process', because I enjoy watching those funny looking birds run on water or land to get to me and my peanuts. However I still get walking exercise. Feeding the coots just motivates me to get healthy exercise during cold, gray Seattle days, when coots are abundant and hungry. Nevetheless, I won't analyze the other items on my list. I suspect readers will add their own analyses. LOL

Satisfaction vs. Living Passionately

I've written previously about my struggle to stop eating when I feel 'satisfied'. I've tried several suggested techniques with limited success. However, I recently read comments by Karen Koenig (author of 'The Rules of Normal Eating') on her 'Food & Feelings' board about how we may not want to stop eating, if we don't feel passionate about anything else in our lives, besides eating. Karen said about how to stop eating when satisfied:

"(1) If you eat with awareness without distractions and keep asking yourself if you're still hungry or are satisfied yet, you will reach an ah-ha moment. That is when you may want more food because it's there, but know you've had enough. Don't focus on what you can't have, but all the good you get from stopping. If you have trouble in this area, return to reframing beliefs. That's probably where you're stuck. Regularly leaving food on your plate is a great idea. Also, try noticing that you want more food, ie, that it's a feeling/urge you have, without acting on it and observe how it passes.

(2) When you start to realize it takes less food than previously to satisfy and fill you up, you may feel angry, disappointed, or sad--all natural feelings. Acknowledge them. Also try looking for the positive in the situation--you don't need to buy as much food, spend as much on large quantities, or even take up so much time eating. Of course, if you don't have much of a life, that's not good news! It means, however, that you have to create more passion for yourself. Food is pleasurable, but there should be many, many things which bring you more joy, satisfaction, happiness, etc. than what's on your plate or in the refrigerator. Food is a poor substitute for living a meaningful, passionate life."

In response to questions about living a passionate life, Karen said:

"Food is too often the highlight of a day or of one's life. Take a minute to think if that's true for you. Are you someone for whom life is full? Do you feel empty inside and disconnected from all the wondrous possibilities around you? Only you can define what engages you, what makes you feel energized and alive. If you move mechanically from one boring activity to another, if you're surrounded by people who don't make you feel warm and fuzzy, food may, indeed, be the most exciting, stimulating, satisfying activity in your world. It doesn't matter what your passions are: crossword puzzles, music, writing, hiking, para-sailing, volunteering. Food should bring pleasure for sure, but not be your only pleasure. Over-focusing on food too often means that it's the center of your life, not simply an integral part of it."

Karen's comments made me begin to wonder about my 'passions'. 20 years ago I passionately lived, breathed and even dreamed about painting. I supported myself by selling my watercolor paintings in arts & crafts fairs, juried shows, galleries and commissioned projects. I even taught others how to paint. When I initially began painting for 'fun', my ex-husband, my mom and my MIL had other ideas about what I 'should' do with my time. So I made my 'hobby' my business, to legitimize what I loved to do. My MIL and mom continued to rant about doing more with and for them. However, my ex encourages me, because I earned more $$, which he 'managed' until I learned he spent everything I didn't spend on painting supplies.

After we divorced, I supported myself with my watercolor business for 7 years. I lived alone and spent my days painting, framing or selling paintings. However, in order to profit from my business I let my customers and gallery owners began to dictate what I painted. As my passion became a business, I spent less time painting and more time selling. I resisted suggestions about how I could increase my income, because those suggestions required even more time away from painting (like working with printmakers to make prints of my paintings). I just wanted to paint. However, I often felt lonely on holidays and wanted to remarry.

7 years after my divorce, I did remarry. We didn't need my income from painting to live a comfortable life. (Of course 'comfort' for a struggling artist, like me, required much less than people who were accustomed to more. Nevertheless, I eventually began to listen to people who suggested I find more lucrative pursuits. I didn't 'need' to earn money from my painting, but I hadn't painted for 'fun' for so many years that I didn't know what I wanted to do. I also became overwhelmed with domestic chores, like landscaping, cooking, decorating (all creative pursuits, but not painting).

I painted less and focussed more on my health as I developed painful symptoms, then had major surgery, suffered new symptoms, and finally was diagnosed with celiac disease, 7 food allergies and many gastrointestinal complications (of previous misdiagnoses). Sometime during all that I completely stopped painting and drawing. During the past 7 years I led a ThinWithin support group for 2 years, moderated my own website for women struggling with disordered eating, led a celiac support group for 2 years, organized 2 annual celiac awareness walks and learned how to cook and eat with 7 food allergies, while I received diagnoses of and treatments for bacterial dysbiosis, candida and a parasite in my intestines. Maybe my passion changed from painting to 'health'. However, I recently tired of leading my CD support group.

I wanted time to pursue sewing, which I began to learn after I stopped painting, before I developed painful symptoms. Yet I have also continued to post online. I started and deleted 6 previous blogs. I fear I will eventually delete this blog. As much as I love writing, I can't believe a left-brained pursuit, like writing, is my 'passion'. I'm so accustomed to right-brained creative activities like painting, sewing, landscaping, interior decorating, even cooking. Several people have suggested I write a book. Another person asked me to help rewrite workbooks. As much time as I spend posting online and in blogs, I just don't want to commit to a large project like a book or even writing for 'other people'. So I currently feel confused about my 'passion'. Maybe that influences my struggle to stop eating when I feel 'satisfied'. I know food never satisfies all my needs. I need to express myself creatively, but how?????

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Change of Heart

After a series of comments in response to a friend's blog (thanks again, Heidi!), I realized that my current symptoms cause me more emotional pain than physical pain. (I'm more disillusioned because I still have symptoms, than suffering from severe physical pain.) I want these symptoms to end yesterday, but I ignore all the progress I have made over the past 4+ years. The symptoms I currently experience are nowhere near as painful as I suffered before my CD or food allergy diagnoses. Although I disliked enduring side effects of caprylic acid and nystatin, I felt pain free and nausea free (until today) after I finished those treatments. Now I wonder if overeating at breakfast and lunch caused my nausea. I have been ignoring satisfaction cues lately, because ... well, I'm not certain why, except maybe I'm trying to comfort myself emotionally by rebelling against what I viewed as 'restriction' (stopping before I felt uncomfortably full), rather than view stopping at 'enough' a logical way to prevent discomfort.

Anyway I realize I have dealt with (or treated) many of the gastrointestinal issues that caused painful symptoms during the past few years. I'm not completely 'normal' or 'regular', but I'm certainly not suffering like I did previously. Maybe God is trying to teach me patience. He has answered my prayers for healing, not all at once, but one diagnosis at a time and sometimes 2 after allergy tests. Maybe I need to focus on gratitude. I'm certainly healthier than many women my age. I have a very treatable disease, although most doctors may misdiagnose or treat only CD symptoms without ever looking for the cause. That condition has forced me to choose foods that nourish my body, not just taste good in my mouth. (Gluten and dairy tasted wonderful, before I learned they caused painful reactions.) Even though I disliked the side effects of antifungal treatment, doing that treatment immediately after eating moldy food may have prevented a much worse condition.

So this pity party is winding down. I intend to eat mindfully (according to hunger/satisfaction) at my next meal. I recently reread some of Susie Orbach's "On Eating" and I enjoy her simple, straight forward nuggets of wisdom about enjoying food while eating in a way that nourishes, rather than abuses my body. However, I only need to think about eating when I'm hungry and/or enjoying a meal. I DO have a life outside of eating. LOL I want to resume sewing. I need to alter several garments. I have not begun garments I planned to sew after the holidays. Nevertheless, I will share how eating mindfully helps my physical recovery in future posts.

Treatment Side and After Effects

Last week I finished the Nystatin (antifungal) treatment for ingested moldy food. The Nystatin side effects (nausea, headaches, bloating, gas) continued during the 4 days of treatment. The day after I stopped taking Nystatin, I had nonstop headaches, which Tylenol wouldn't touch. I had planned to begin followup high dose probiotics that night, but I didn't want to endure more side effects (gas and bloating from high dose probiotics). So I waited 24 hours and began the probiotics, which had the expected side effects. Fortunately I had no more headaches or nausea ... until today ... maybe because I substituted a low dose probiotic for the high dose probiotic, to give myself a break from nightly gas and bloating and sleep more soundly.

I woke up feeling more rested this morning, but also felt nauseas within 2 hours of breakfast. So I will continue the high dose probiotic treatment tonight. At least the gas/bloating side effects mostly disappear by the next morning. I really don't know what caused the nausea. I haven't consumed alcohol for the past 9 weeks. I can only assume changing probiotics caused that symptom. I really don't know. I'll just keep on keeping on ... still hopelessly resigned to follow through with treatment, but not very optimistic about recovery. Been there, done that, been disappointed too many times before ...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Present Moment Eating

The hopelessness I described in my previous post has affected how I eat recently. I didn't binge or purge or even overeat to the point of uncomfortable fullness. I just ate past satisfaction, to the point of "I'm full, so I'd better stop eating before I feel uncomfortable." I noticed two kinds of thinking influenced my choice to keep eating past satisfaction.

First, I rebelled against guidelines about stopping at 'enough'. Previously I practiced leaving and/or throwing away a bite or 2 at every meal. That exercise freed me from guilt about throwing food away and taught me that my physical comfort was more important than not 'wasting food'. However, I suspect I began to use that exercise as a 'rule', i.e., I 'must leave food at every meal', rather than I 'am free to leave food when I feel satisfied'. Of course, rebelling against self-imposed rules can feel like distraction or even comfort when I feel depressed. As Geneen Roth said in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating":

"When you want to escape a feeling, you will often do so by breaking a restriction you have imposed upon yourself. When you are in pain and want release, any kind of release will do, even when the release (not leaving food on my plate) and feeling you want release from (hopelessness about physical recovery) are unrelated."

I recall hearing myself say that I didn't care about that 'leaving food' guideline. I just wanted to enjoy as much as I wanted. Fortunately I didn't serve myself large portions. I've learned from throwing away food (and regretting 'waste') to serve myself smaller portions. However rebelling against a guideline about leaving food seemed to comfort me with thoughts of 'I got away with that'. Nevertheless, that 'rebellion' revealed that I was had made the guideline into a 'rule'. Obeying that 'rule' prevented me from eating in the present moment by being sensitive to how much my body needed at that specific time.

Secondly, during the past 2 days I have eaten desserts, which I planned to eat, despite already feeling satisfied by other foods in the meal. When I binged regularly (about once a month), I often ate all the dessert foods that I usually declined to eat after filling meals. I didn't 'save room' for those desserts at meals. Sometimes I just enjoyed the meal foods so much, that I didn't want the dessert. Often I rationalized that I needed 'healthier' foods, rather than the dessert food. So I eliminated my binge habit by consciously 'saving room' or otherwise planning to eat all those dessert or sweet favorites with meals. Sometimes those foods were the main meal (like pancakes with syrup or cranberry bread with almond butter). Sometimes those foods were small dessert after a small meal. So eventually those 'sweet dessert' foods became just foods in my mind.

When I recently suffered uncomfortable side effects from treatment for mold, I never considered bingeing or eating forbidden foods to comfort myself. I enjoy those special foods too much to want to eat them mindlessly during a guilt-ridden binge or when I'm not really hungry enough to taste them. Above all, I no longer have any 'forbidden' foods. Unless I have food allergy reactions, all foods are 'permissible', even though some are more 'beneficial' (1 Corinthians 6:12 says: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.")

Nevertheless, in the process of making all foods permissible, by planning to have small desserts with smaller meals (where I left 'room' for desserts), I created another 'rule' in mind: I 'must' eat desserts at every meal to prevent binges. That rule prevented me from responding to my hunger/satisfaction cues in the moment. In the "Tao of Eating", author Linda Harper says:

"Eating what you really want also includes not eating what you really do not want ... If you planned to have dessert but find yourself too full, pass it up. Or you may eat a few bites of your dessert and leave the rest."

Again eating in the moment allows me freedom from any guidelines or even rules I create from guidelines. Guidelines can motivate me to try new behaviors which I previously feared or resisted. However, when obeying those guidelines make me ignore my hunger/satisfaction cues or cravings for specific foods, I'm not eating in the present moment. I'm eating according to what my head dictates, rather than what my body needs.

For me, the most important guidelines are: eat when I'm physically hungry, foods which satisfy hunger, and stop when I'm satisfied. Any other methods, like focussing on the tastes and textures of foods, eating slowly, eating without distractions, can allow me to enjoy the food enough that I feel psychologically as well as physically satisfied when I stop eating. However, the underlying premise of 'normal eating' is eat when you're hungry. If I only eat when I'm hungry, I will naturally stop when I'm no longer hungry. Although guidelines can show me behaviors which help me stop eating when I'm no longer hungry, making those guidelines 'rules' can motivate me to eat beyond satisfaction and ignore my body cues.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Hopeless Resignation

3 days ago I started taking an antifungal supplement to treat accidental ingestion of mold (and possibly bacteria) on hummus. After discovering I had eaten moldy hummus and experienced bloating, cramping pain, headaches and nausea, I emailed my doctor about the mold ingestion incident. I also told him I still had some caprylic acid (antifungal supplement) and some Nystatin (antifungal drug), as well as a some Phytofuge (a general purpose antibacterial, antifungal supplement which has horrible side effects). He told me I could take what remained of the caprylic acid and the Nystatin, because they both did the same thing (kill fungus/mold) in my gut, and continue for 7 days (2 capsules 2x daily).

I started taking the caprylic acid (CA), because I had forgotten what side effects I experienced with that supplement. I soon realized (and verified online) that the CA side effects were very similar to my mold reaction symptoms, i.e., bloating, pain, nausea, headaches. So I initially wasn't sure the CA was still effective. My doc reassured me the CA should still work. After one day of CA I noticed one beneficial side effect (diarrhea for most people), which just made me more 'regular'. That was similar to my experience with Nystatin.

I only have enough CA for 3-1/2 days of treatment. Then I take the remaining Nystatin for 3-1/2 days to complete a week of treatment. So I probably won't adjust to the CA in that short of time, which means I'll suffer uncomfortable side effects during the time I take CA. Then I get to start Nystatin, which I KNOW causes initial nausea and headaches, but also ongoing bloating and eventually improvement in 'regularity' (because it has the same diarrhea side effect).

My doctor thinks that 1 week is adequate treatment for 'acute ingestion'. However, he also suggested that I could continue CA, which I told him I preferred over Nystatin (before I experienced side effects), if CA 'made me feel better'. Surely he was joking. LOL I don't think ongoing bloating and gas, despite improvement in regularity, is 'feeling better'.

This is NOT my first experience with CA. I took it for a month TWICE previously: once to treat a Klebsiella bacterial infection and another time to treat an Enterobacter Cloacae bacterial infection. I remember I believed that after I finished the treatment I would feel wonderful, be 'regular' and never again suffer from bloating, cramping pain and nausea. Actually both CA treatments gave me a couple of months' freedom from irregularity and other symptoms. I recall I went to Maui after both treatments. I felt GREAT for almost 3 months. Then all my gut symptoms returned.

I wasn't so lucky with my Nystatin experience. That drug, which I took for low levels of candida albicans, made me VERY nauseas and headachey initially. Then I experienced progressively more bloating and gas. The good news was that drug also made me more 'regular'. When I checked online sources for Nystatin side effects, diarrhea, nausea, headaches and bloating were included in every report. When I told my doc about the symptoms, he told me that was not 'side effects', but the result of candida 'DIE OFF'. I really didn't believe that after reading numerous reports about Nystatin's side effects. If my symptoms were due to 'die off', I wouldn't experience less effect on regularity as time passed. I would think that the effect would be greater as the Nystatin killed off more candida fungus. When I tapered off Nystatin, I also experienced less side effects. When I went back on Nystatin, I got all the side effects again.

So I'm not looking forward to starting the Nystatin tomorrow night. The Nystatin side effects of nausea, headaches and bloating are very severe intially. After a few days, the nausea disappears, but the bloating never does. Of course, I won't take Nystatin long enough this time to notice relief from nausea. I'll just take it, feel crappy and wonder if it does any good. My previous treatment with Nystatin for candida lasted over 3 months. Initially that drug also improved regularity (with its 'diarrhea' side effect). However, as my body adjusted to the drug that beneficial side effect disappeared. I did NOT feel wonderful after stoping Nystatin, just relieved that I no longer had to suffer constant bloating and gas.

As far as treating gut symptoms with either drug or supplement, I really think I'm d****d if I do and d****d if I don't. When I take antifungal meds, I feel horrible, but I'm more 'regular'. A few weeks after I stop taking those, the cramping, bloating and gas disappears but the irregularity returns. If I had to choose to continue one of those treatments, I'd choose CA, because I had positive results after ending treatment, unlike Nystatin which gave me no ongoing benefits. Nevertheless, I feel rather hopeless, because I have endured treatments for 2 bacteria, candida and one parasite during the past 3 years. Before that I eliminated 7 different food allergies. Now I STILL have some symptoms I had before I began that recovery journey. This experience feels like: 'Life is hard and then you die'.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Thrifty But Risky Food Habits

After my recent experience with eating moldy hummus and communicating with my naturopath, I realize I risk consuming bacteria and mold daily. I don't just eat condiments which have been in the refrigerator too long. Today I began to notice other questionable or even risky habits. I feel very embarrassed as I list these:

I didn't sterilize (with bleach) my cutting board until it was very stained;

I didn't clean my automatic toothbrush until the gunk and mold was noticeable;

When I removed my Invisiline retainers, I stored them in my jeans pocket;

I reused cutting knives, sometimes after rinsing off residue, sometimes not;

I often planned meals according to what foods in my fridge were oldest;

I didn't immediately refrigerate leftovers from meals (we often let cooked food sit, while we eat dinner, before preparing individual dinners for the freezer);

My hubby and I used rags to wipe kitchen spills too often before changing rags (I suspect he cares more about the enviroment than preventing contamination);

I sometimes forgot to wash my hands before preparing meals;

I believed taking HCl capsules before meals guaranteed that my stomach killed food born bacteria before those reached my intestines (my symptoms say otherwise);

I reused dental floss (not food, but still unsanitary);

I merely rinsed the apple slicer after cutting apples or pears;

I used my fingers to eat peanut butter out of the jar;

I ate out of ice cream containers, rather than serve myself a separate dish;

I served myself condiments with already used dinner utensils and contaminated the jar contents (which sometimes made brocolli bits look like mold).

That's enough embarrassment for one day. I may list more bad habits as I continue to observe how I prepare and store food.

Obviously I wrote all those in past tense. Just admitting what I did made me change many habits. Of course having to take caprylic acid, then Nystatin and finally high dose probiotics, to treat the mold/fungus reminds me to consider every food I handle and/or put into my mouth. Both the caprylic acid (supplement) and Nystatin (drug) cause side effects, which remind me that I'm treating a self-induced condition.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Good Food Gone Bad

Despite my ongoing struggle with gastrointestinal cramps, bloating and gas, I suspect I ate some moldy food yesterday and then again today. As I prepared a chicken salad sandwich spread for lunch today, I noticed the top edge of a hummus and (homemade) mayonnaise mixture jar had mold. Unfortunately, I noticed that AFTER I put a large spoonful of that mixture into my chopped celery, herbs and chicken. After I noticed the mold on the jar, I carefully picked out moldy parts of the hummus mix. I thought the mold was limited to the edge, not throughout the mixture.

However, I previously had bad gastro symptoms yesterday afternoon and last night after eating a sandwich of deli turkey with the hummus-mayo spread on one slice of bread. Ironically, even after remembering those uncomfortable symptoms and seeing mold on the upper edge of the jar, I risked even MORE symptoms, when I chose to eat one open-faced sandwich with the chicken salad with hummus mixture. Part of me assumed that I got rid of all the mold. So there wasn't any in my sandwich spread. The other part of me suspected this mold wasn't like mold on cheese. Maybe just cutting off the moldy part didn't mean the rest was safe. Nevertheless, I took a chance, ate the spread on an English muffin half and hoped for the best.

Unfortunately I didn't feel so well about an hour after lunch. Nausea and bloating told me that picking out what may have been moldy and throwing out the obvious mold, when I cleaned the jar, didn't prevent symptoms. At one point stomach pain made me wonder if I'd get so nauseas that I would throw up. However, after recalling my last experience with hangover induced nausea, throwing up and continual reflux, I decided to treat the nausea with ginger tea to prevent throwing up.

Now I have to ask myself: WHY do I take chances with food like that? Why do I eat foods which could be contaminated by mold or bacteria, which could make me sick? Why do I risk getting sick by 'finishing up' foods which have been in the refrigerator too long? Why do I risk getting sick by eating reheated leftovers?

I realize my thrifty but risky eating habits were influenced by several people. First, my mom got very angry if I didn't want to 'clean my plate' at meals. Not only would she force me to sit at the table until I DID clean my plate, but she would always tell me how hard she worked to put food on the table. I often had to eat cold, unappetizing food late at night just so I could go to bed. Not surprisingly, I often work up ill and threw up during the night, especially after eating cold, unappetizing food. My mother always explained that as 'stomach flu'. However her complaints about hard work obligated me to eat as much as she served me. Ironically I was also teased and scolded for being 'chubby', while I had to clean my plate. I grew up feeling very ashamed when I asserted my desire to stop eating when I felt full. I learned to NOT 'waste' food, or risk being punished.

Ironically I married a man who hated 'wasting money on food'. He would eat well when someone else paid for the food, but he preferred to spend his own money on other things. For many years, while he handled household finances, I believed we were 'poor'. When we both worked in well-paying jobs, he banked my salary and gave me a very limited grocery allowance from his pay check. I never had access to the savings account. I let him handle finances, because he had training in accounting. Meanwhile I learned to cook almost everything from scratch, raise produce and freeze that for future use, and shop very frugally. Years later I learned he had invested all our savings, double mortgaged our house and accumulated much more debt, through risky investments, which he never recovered.

Initially, I decided to redouble my thrifty efforts, while we paid off all those debts. However I soon learned he had no intention of doing without any of his usual pleasures (like season tickets to football games), while I did without to pay off the 'family debt'. Although I had endured unfair treatment during childhood, I FINALLY decided I didn't want to be married anymore to someone who dishonestly treated me unfairly.

Fortunately my thrifty methods helped me survive starting over on my own with a marginally profitable business to support myself. Nevertheless, experiences with limited resources for food shaped my eating habits. I swung between restricting my consumption of inexpensive food to bingeing on very cheap food. I continued to feel guilty about spending money on food for many years.

After living alone for 7 years in a 20 year old house with a leaky roof, which I 'won' from my divorce settlement, I eventually remarried a man who loved me unconditionally even after he knew my history with food and eating. He also vowed to never deny me any food I wanted. Of course I continued to either deny myself food during my restrictive periods or 'waste' lots of food during binges. However, I seldom saw my new husband 'waste' food. He carefully took small first servings and only took 'seconds', when he knew I didn't want more. He clipped coupons and helped me shop frugally, even though he wanted to buy me more. I rarely saw him throw away any food. He occasionally would leave 2 bites on his plate and then put that in the refrigerator for future consumption. However, he usually forgot about that food. So I eventually threw out his moldy leftovers. He repeatedly told me I didn't have to 'clean my plate' and that I could throw out food. However, he modeled just the opposite behavior: He rarely left food. He rarely served himself more food than he could eat.

I couldn't understand why he gained weight during our marriage. I considered him a 'normal eater'. Then I learned that he snacked after dinner on foods he really liked (peanuts, candy, cookies), after he politely ate small portions of meat and vegies I served for dinner. That reminds me of when I endured my mother's horrible dinners, but I snacked after school (before dinner) on 'forbidden' cookies, which I preferred to mom's dinners.

I FINALLY learned to stop eating when I felt satisfied, before my plate was clean. I've described in this blog my experiences with storing or throwing out what remained on my plate after I stopped eating. However, I continued to frugally 'use up' foods that had been in the refrigerator or freezer awhile, by planning my meals around those foods. Even after I had been treated for 2 different intestinal bacteria, a fungus and a parasite, possibly all from contaminated foods, I STILL planned my meals according to what needed to be 'used up'. Although, during the past few years, I started freezing leftovers into 'tv dinners' on the nights those were first prepared, I seldom suspect condiments might be contaminated ... until today.

I recall one incident after my mom died, when I cleaned out her refrigerator and prepared and ate a meal with old 'Cheez Whiz' before looking at the expiration date. Of course I got very ill after consuming that product.

More recently, 2 years ago in Maui, I packed chicken sandwiches for a beach picnic. However we swam and sunbathed before eating those sandwiches. So I suspect they developed some bacteria sitting in 80+ degree weather. We ate them anyway. Later than night I woke up very ill and dry heaved for several hours afterwards. My husband just got a little bacteria. A later stool culture indicated that I had high levels of a bad (but not the worst) bacteria from the E. Coli family. I never again packed meat sandwiches for 'away from home' lunches.

Now I wonder whether my thrifty food habits have contributed to my recurrent gastrointestinal symptoms (with emphasis on the 'gas' part LOL). Everytime I have been treated for infections and then taken huge amounts of probiotics to reestablish the 'good bacteria' in my gut, I haveno disturbing symptoms for awhile. Then slowly all my cramping pain, gas and bloating return. Then I get another stool test which reveals another gastro infection and the cycle starts again. For awhile I thought that hypochloridia (low stomach acid) caused my recurrent infections, because I didn't have enough stomach acid to kill off food born bacteria. However I've been taking HCl with every meal for over a year. 6 months ago I was diagnosed with an intestinal parasite and a recurrent fungus. Treatment with an antiparasitic drug and an antifungal drug eliminated the pain. I seemed to get better for awhile. Now I'm back to square one, except this time my symptoms were worse than gas, bloating and cramping pain. Today I felt nauseas, chilled and headachy before dinner. I still don't feel well several hours after dinner.

DO I DESERVE SAFE FOOD? I don't just mean non allergy foods. I mean DO I DESERVE TO THROW OUT OLD, POSSIBLY CONTAMINATED FOOD? HOW OFTEN DO I MAKE MYSELF SICK BY 'NOT WASTING' FOOD? DOES MY FRUGAL EATING ATTITUDE PERPETUATE MY GASTROINTESTINAL SYMPTOMS???

I don't know how to answer all those questions right now. So I'll consider the answers in another blog post.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

What I Would Not Admit

For years, while learning to eat 'normally', I still continued to binge and purge about once a month. I abstained from those habits for long periods (up to 6 months), but always returned to using those habits to cope with physical problems and/or emotional stess. I even tracked those episodes on calendars, which showed me how I reduced the frequency of those habits over the years, but I never got below a once month average.

I finally realized that my beliefs about my 'binge foods' perpetuated a vicious cycle of (1) binge on certain foods; (2) restrict those foods (by removing them to a downstairs freezer or throwing them out); (3) abstain from bingeing (and purging) for several weeks or months; (4) crave former binge foods; (5) begin to believe I could eat those binge foods moderately; (6) bring them back into the kitchen; (7) eat them moderately but with certain restrictions (tiny amounts only after certain meals), but still consider those foods nutritionally worthless (low fiber, low nutrition, etc.) and regret eating them; (8) feel guilty after overeating meals with binge food desserts several times; (9) encounter emotional or physical stress (gut pain or fatigue); (10) remember how bingeing distracts me from stress; (11) remember how I love my binge foods, but don't let myself eat them very often because I consider them 'worthless'; (12) decide to 'get rid of those worthless, tempting binge foods' in one large 'last supper' binge'; (13) begin the whole cycle again. (Notice I itemized 13 'unlucky' thought processes.)

For years I heard from 'nondiet' experts that stocking our kitchens and learning to eat our common binge foods as 'just food' without all the guilt would free us from cravings to binge eat those. I realized that I seldom binged on foods I really valued (enjoyed, believed were nutritious and consumed daily). Likewise, I NEVER ate foods which contained any of my 7 food allergens. I had absolutely no temptation to eat foods which I knew caused excruciating pain or other scary symptoms (like tachycardia). However, when I wanted to binge I chose foods I enjoyed, but didn't let myself have very often, because I believed those foods weren't as nutritious as my daily fare. I believed that if I ate anything, I should get as much nutrition as possible, since I couldn't eat much without feeling too full.

That "uncomfortably full" feeling sometimes motivated me to 'throw in the towel' and binge, with the understanding that I would purge afterwards. Although I tried to learn to eat my 'binge foods' moderately during one phase of my vicious cycle, I still felt guilty about eating those 'unnutritional foods', even in small amounts. Of course that guilt kept me from really enjoying those foods. So the only time I really let myself enjoy those without guilt was when I intended to binge and purge afterwards. Rather than teaching myself to view those binge foods as 'just food' and eat them moderately, I actually taught myself that I could only enjoy those foods during binges. As long as I had in my house foods which I enjoyed, but felt guilty about eating, I always had binge supplies.

Despite that viscious cycle I abstained from bingeing for long periods, from one month to 6 months. Before my last binge I had abstained over 3 months. However, during those 3 months I regularly overate at meals and fought urges to give into binge/purge episodes to distract myself from guilt by bingeing and relieve the discomfort by purging. I felt proud of my 'willpower' to resist binges when I felt too full. However, I knew I was not really preventing binges. I was just resisting urges to binge. I could do that only when I wasn't overwhelmed with physical and emotional stress. However, when I felt overwhelmed AND deprived of foods I loved but felt guilty about eating, I knew I could comfort myself with all the foods I only ate during binges. Usually after long abstinence periods, I again wanted to learn to eat those foods in moderation. (Steps 5-6 of my cycle) So I had begun to purchase and occasionally eat a few of those. (Step 7 of my cycle) Perhaps if I had only eaten those at restaurants or only purchased and eaten one serving at a time, I would never accumulate a small supply of binge foods. However, overconfidence and desire to learn to eat normally kept me restocking small amounts of binge foods as part of my cycle.

However, on the day of my binge/purge episode, I experienced after a nutritious dinner which I didn't want to lose, uncontrollable dry heave vomitting and then horrible reflux which continued for 3 days, no matter how what or how little I ate. That horrible experience made me honestly look at how I viewed 'binge foods' and what I had taught myself about eating those foods over the years. I vowed to change how I ate and viewed those foods. I knew in my heart that when I could view them as 'just food', like the foods I ate for most meals, I would no longer categorize foods as 'unnutritional binge foods', 'safe' foods and allergen source foods. I will always view my allergen foods as 'unsafe', because they cause painful symptoms and physical damage. However I believed that viewing my former binge foods (and any sweet, low fiber 'treat' foods) as just foods, equal to what I commonly ate at meals, I would no longer turn to certain foods when I felt physical or emotional pain. Food would become the solution for hunger, rather than painful feelings. (For readers who still struggle with overeating and/or binges, those ideas may sound a little far-fetched. However, I knew in my heart that what I believed made certain foods appealing, but 'bad', rather than just 'foods'.)

My last 'horrible binge/purge to uncontrollable vomitting and reflux' day occurred a few days before Thanksgiving, after my husband's birthday when I drank a glass of wine at a restaurant. I suspect the alcohol caused the hangover which cause the nausea, which made me want to throw up anyway, before drank coffee to cope with hangover fatigue, and then craved chocolate to go with the coffee, before I binged and purged, which led to horrible reflux, more nausea and uncontrollable vomitting 3 hours after a small meal, which led to 3 more days of chronic reflux. All that motivated me to never choose purge again. However, I knew just teaching myself to resist purging when I overate, didn't really resolve the problem. I had gotten into my vicious cycle too many times before. I needed to (1) prevent overeating and (2) eliminate the need for and attractiveness of bingeing.

So rather than continue to let myself overeat and try to resist bingeing or purging, I focussed on learning to stop eating when I was satisfied, not stuffed or uncomfortably full. I won't describe that here, because I already devoted many of my previous posts to insights from that learning process.

In order to eliminate the need for and attractiveness of bingeing I had to convince myself that I would never again restrict foods I enjoyed. With the holiday season rapidly approaching I knew I would have plenty of opportunities to practice eating my former 'binge' foods without guilty or restraint. For Thanksgiving dessert we made pumpkin ice cream. From the batch of cranberry relish I made for dinner, I also baked a loaf of sweet cranberry relish bread. A few weeks later my husband and I baked cookies. I baked gingerbread people and he made rice crispy treats, which I wouldn't eat because he used his soy based margarine. Fortunately we both loved the gingerbread cookies. Then we found a maple sugar candy which I love and which is only availabe during the holidays. Because I had been craving pancakes with syrup (more the latter than the former) for MONTHS, we planned to make those for Christmas Eve. We ate those again for a breakfast and then again on New Year's Eve. Then we received some coupons for my favorite vegan (nondairy) ice cream. So we stocked up on chocolate and passionate mango flavors. I also bought one large gingersnap cookie, which was conveniently broken into smaller bite size pieces. I ate some of all of those 'treat' foods, whenever those sounded good to me, but usually as desserts at lunch or dinner, except for pancakes, which were dinners. Today, 7 weeks after this binge food transformation odessey began, I STILL have some of all of those foods, except the pancakes which we finished on New Year's Eve. (Next time I vow to make waffles, because they hold more syrup. LOL)

I won't describe my irrational beliefs which made me consider all my former binge foods 'bad', especially because some of them were VERY nutritional and high fiber. However I will say that I now eat small portions of sweet foods as dessert after almost every lunch and dinner, if not the entire meal occasionally. Besides pancakes, I also loved the cranberry bread so much that I ate that topped with almond butter and cranberry relish for 2 breakfasts, one lunch and one dinner. I'm still uncertain which meal was the appropriate time for that treat.

I never wanted to admit that my beliefs about my 'binge' foods, not the foods themselve, made me think I could only eat those when I planned to purge afterwards. I acted on that belief so many times over the years that I automatically turned to those foods when I wanted to rebel against what I perceived as 'unfairness' of life, painful physical symptoms or how others treated me. Only after I honestly admitted that I had trained myself to binge on certain foods, did I realize I could train myself to eat them as 'just food' just like I ate any other nonallergy foods. Today bingeing no longer appeals to me, because I enjoy my former binge foods too much to just mindlessly stuff them into my mouth, when I'm preoccupied with emotional or physical stress. I prefer to slowly, mindfully savor the foods I wouldn't let myself enjoy for too many years. So I'd rather eat when I'm hungry, foods I enjoy and stop when I'm comfortably satisfied. I finally get 'normal' eating.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Emotional Pain, TW and Prayer

Yesterday I completed a facebook study of "ThinWithin: A Grace-Oriented Approach to Lasting Weight Loss". I previously (5 years ago) read, wrote chapter summaries and discussion questions, and led a study of that book for my local TW support group. However more recently, I wanted to review many of the TW principles, like their 8 keys to conscious eating, and support a friend who wanted to lose weight by following TW guidelines. However, ThinWithin offers so much more than a weight loss program. I knew rereading the book could help me draw closer to God, just as my original experience with the ThinWithin website and workbooks had. At that time TW also helped me decrease my use of bingeing and purging (b&p).

Before I describe how my recent TW study helped me, I want to share a little history: I came to TW from Weigh Down, another Christian (??) program which emphasized hunger/fullness eating and obedience to God who created our bodies and our stomach cues. While attending a local WD conference, I heard the founder interpret some scripture in a way that totally disagreed with what I had learned. After that conference I could hardly believe that group considered itself a 'Christian' group. While reading about others' experiences with WD, I learned about ThinWithin's online program. So by the time I joined TW, I had already practiced eating when I was physically hungry, foods I loved, and stopping eating when I felt full. I also used WD tricks to slow down my eating and consume less. However I was STILL bingeing and purging occasionally. Less often than once a month, but often enough to feel ashamed and powerless over triggers to b&p. Above all, WD taught me that God designed reliable bodies which could regulate our weight, if we obeyed our hunger and fullness cues.

However, ThinWithin described God's ongoing GRACE in a way that made me believe God loved and forgave me for years of bingeing and purging, as well as every other shameful act. I had heard about forgiveness for years in churches I attended (and was a member), but I didn't think God could forgive me, because I had thought, said or done so many things for which I felt shame. I believed God's grace applied to other people, but not to me. I loved TW's explanation about grace as not only God's pardon, but also His presence (guide me), His power (to strengthen me) and His provision (of people and circumstances to comfort and support me).

According to TW's definition of God's grace was their principle of 'observe and correct', similar to religious "confess and repent", without all the shame and ritualistic penances. 'Observe and correct' helped me lose the shame I felt about my struggles with bingeing and purging. Rather than feel overwhelmed with shame after each b/p 'slip', I could instead learn from what happend. I could 'observe' the situation, my thoughts and my physiological condition that preceded my binge and purge incident. Then I could ask God for guidance in how to 'correct' that habit, or what I could do in a similar situation, to prevent repeating my b&p behavior.

Understanding that God forgave my 'slips' allowed me to honestly acknowledge that I chose to binge and chose to purge. Those weren't automatic habits which occurred without my conscious decisions. Acknowledging, that I chose to use those disordered eating habits, empowered me to choose NOT to use those habits. I lost my fears about certain foods 'triggering' a binge, and learned to eat more foods between the boundaries of hunger and fullness.

Above all I learned to pray about painful emotions, rather than distract myself by binge eating and purging. I learned to take problems to God in prayer, before I felt overwhelmed by feelings about those problems. Talking to God (or even writing letters to God) helped me sort out what I really thought and eventually challenge whether my beliefs were true or irrational reactions to what I perceived happened.

ThinWithin uses the term 'Flesh Machinery' to describe all the irrational beliefs, habitual behaviors, past failures and past experiences with food, eating or our bodies. Those 'flesh machinery' influence us to eat when we aren't hungry and keep eating beyond satisfaction. TW taught me to challenge those beliefs, identify triggers to using disordered eting habits, and view past failures and experiences differently. Years later I read Karen Koenig's Food & Feelings Workbook, which taught me how to challenge irrational beliefs, which caused painful emotions, and then replace those beliefs with truth, in order to change my behavior. That process was easier to understand and implement after learning about challenging irrational beliefs through TW.

I suspect my recent success with learning to eat for physical needs, rather than eating to cope with emotions, is due in part to previously learning to acknowledge and work through painful emotions. My recent TW book study reminded me that I can most easily do that 'acknowlege and cope' process through prayer. I've learned to not carry painful feelings any longer than it takes me to take those emotions to God in prayer. I write a daily 'letter to God' in my prayer journal about my worries, frustations and regrets. I ask for His forgiveness about actions I regret. I describe my frustrations with myself, other people and life in general. I give Him all my fears, especially about ongoing physical symptoms. I often feel frustrated because I continue to experience gut symptoms which I can't understand or resolve, despite almost 5 years of treatments and diagnoses. So I give to God, those symptoms and any other burdens which I don't need to bear alone.

Above all, my prayer journal provided a place to honestly admit what I knew about my eating habits, but didn't want to acknowledge. Knowing that God accepts me as I am and forgives my faults, allows me to honestly write about counterproductive beliefs and habits and consider what I could do differently by God's Grace (especially His power). I'll post later more specifically about irrational beliefs that kept me returning to monthly binge and purge episodes. Here I just want to say that daily prayer and journalling helped me finally change those habits after I honestly admitted why I did what I did. "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

Friday, January 9, 2009

Store or Toss?

Readers of my blog tell me how much they appreciate my honest posts about my self-talk and insights from each meal. So here are more insights from today's breakfast:

I prepared oatmeal with a few slices of dried apples, 3 slices of chopped fresh apple, a tablespoon of rice bran, cinnamon, hazelnut milk and a 2 teaspoons of almond butter. I wanted to try flax meal again. I had a previous bad experience, when I added flaxmeal to another hot cereal and made it too gooey. However, I like 'gooey' oatmeal. So I added 1 heaping teaspoon of flaxmeal midway through cooking (microwaving) the oatmeal.

I was definitely hungry when I began to eat. I finished dinner over 14 hours earlier. However, my experience with being very hungry for each meal helped me appreciate how intense hunger just makes food taste and feel sooo much better. So I wasn't desparate, just hungry.

However the first bite of oatmeal didn't seem sweet enough. I tasted more apple, cinnamon, oatmeal and flax than anything else. I contemplated adding more sweetner. OK, I want to honestly admit (especially for readers who disdain artificial sweetners or believe all the negative hype, probably written by the sugar industry, about aspartame and saccharin): I USE ASPARTAME AND SACCHARIN to sweeten beverages. I USE ASPARTAME on hot cereal. I also use STEVIA, but that's more expensive. I started using those first mentioned artificial sweetners years ago, when I didn't understand why consuming cane sugar gave me tachycardia (rapid heart beat). I also hated how cane sugar sunk undissolved to the bottom of a bowl of cereal or cup of tea. So ... having said all that ... I considered adding more sweetner to my oatmeal, but decided to first observe my reactions to the tastes. Here's what my parent (P) and child (C) voices said:

(C): I like the chewiness of the oatmeal and apples, but this isn't sweet enough. Maybe the flax ruined my oatmeal.

(P): Just eat. Flaxmeal is good for you.

(C): I'm not that hungry. I'd rather not eat food that doesn't taste good.

(P): But you haven't eaten since dinner last night, almost 15 hours ago.

(C): I'm bored. I want to do something else.

(P): Aren't you still hungry?

(C): Yeah, but not for bland oatmeal and apples.

(P): OK, I'll add a little more sweetner.

(C tasting oatmeal with more sweetner): Ahhh ... much better. I like this.

(P) Maybe you can finish this oatmeal ...

(C after a few more bites): No, I can't. I'm TOO full now. You tricked me into eating too much. I don't want anymore.

(P) Well, we can save this for another breakfast. If we save all the cereal you leave everyday, you will have enough for whole other bowl.

(C) UGGGGGGHHHHH!! THROW IT OUT! NO REHEATED OATMEAL!!

I really did contemplate saving the oatmeal. I save small amounts of dinner vegies, meats and casseroles and freeze them away. Then I combine them into a new casserole for another lunch or dinner. I suspect I really do that because I eat dinner with my husband, who seldom throws away any food. He will store 2 bites of food from his plate. When we first met, I often saw in his refrigerator large containers with 2-3 bites of food which had taken on new (often moldy) forms. During the past 14+ years of our marriage I have almost never seen him eat small amounts of leftovers. I usually have to throw out his LGBs (leftovers gone bad). So I feel embarrassed when I don't want to save something that I was too full to eat. I think I 'should' have served myself less, like my husband, who takes small first servings and goes back for 'seconds'. However, I'm just still learning how much my body needs after years of either eating too little or too much. My husband knows I'm trying to be more attentive to my 'enough' sensation and applauds me for stopping, but favors saving leftovers.

I almost always eat breakfast alone. My freely throw away food I no longer want to eat, because I've eaten enough. I don't purposely prepare too much breakfast. I suspect I believe I need more because I'm hungrier. As mentioned in a previous post, much hungrier doesn't necessarily mean I need more food. The more often I throw out leftover breakfast food, the more I can adjust what I prepare for breakfast. The more often I toss leftover cereal, the more my 'normal eater' inner child voice emerges from the shadows of my 'controlling' parent voice. That inner child is teaching me how I would have eaten, if I had not been forced to clean my plate, eat foods I hated, ignore 'hunger' until mealtime, and to ignore many other bodily needs, which 'bothered' my mom.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Feeding My Inner Child

I did get hungry before I returned home from my walk yesterday. However, I remembered what I read in "Eating The Moment" about hunger ('Studying the Moment of Hunger Relief'):

"You might be surprised to find that your intensity of hunger isn't necessarily proportional to the amount of food you need to relieve it. Hunger operates more like an alarm system than an indicator of how much to eat. Just because you're very hungry doesn't mean that you have to eat a lot ... A small (amount) will do just fine."

Since I had no choice (no money and no food), I just kept walking. However I prepared lunch as soon as I got home. My 1/2 apple and turkey with lettuce, mayo and cranberry sauce on "Seattle Brown (gluten free) Bread" tasted sooooo good. As I finished 2 more apple slices after the sandwich (for a total of 6 of 1/2 apple), I distinctly heard my inner child say, "OK, no more apple. I've had enough." Yet, as I got up, that same inner child wanted another 'taste' of something sweet, preferably 'Passionate Mango' vegan ice cream. My inner parent said: "You said you had enough. You could have eaten more apple."

However I then recalled advice from "Eating the Moment" about craving specific tastes ('Exploring Sensory-Specific Satiety'):

"Try to remain conscious of whether you're eating to satisfy your biological hunger or sensory hunger. Ask yourself, 'Do I want this food because I am still hungry, or am I just intested in its taste?' If chasing the taste, then just taste; have a mindful bite. You don't have to eat a whole serving just because you are interested in a taste! Also, factor in sensory-specific satisety by cutting bac on portion size. leave room for the curiostiy of your tongue ... when faced with a diversity of tastes, choose to taste alll you can taste, not necessarily to eat all you can eat."

So I fed my inner child about 2 spoonfuls of that ice cream. She was satisfied and didn't want anything else.

How many times have I let my critical parent rule my frightened inner child? How many times have I ignored my child's hunger and then later stuffed her with food after she felt satisfied. How many times have I forced my inner child to eat large servings of 'healthy' foods, when she really wanted a small serving of healthy food followed by a taste of something sweet? My mother may have stopped either ignoring my hunger or overfeeding me YEARS ago. However, my critical inner parent has carried on her work since my mom stopped dictating how, when and what I ate. I can't make up for all the times I deprived myself of foods I loved or stuffed myself with 'healthy' foods or even binged and purged on sweets. Nevertheless I can lovingly acknowledge and feed my inner child's needs for food, rest, play and LOVE in whatever form she needs.

Listening for 'Enough'

Yesterday I tried leaving a bite or 2 of food at each meal in order to learn to stop eating when I felt comfortably full or satisfied. However, I can't deny that I sensed my stomach saying 'enough', before I chose to stop eating. I rationalized that I left food, so I must not be overating. Eventually I understood that 'satisfaction' isn't just a nebulous 'lack of hunger, but not full' sensation. I do notice 3 definite 'satisfaction' clues (as I described in my previous post "Irony of Mindful Eating"). I sense 'satisfaction' at almost every meal, but I CHOOSE to continue eating.

This morning I was determined to listen more carefully to my self-talk when I noticed those 'enough food' clues. I prepared for breakfast my usual hot cereal with hazelnut milk, almond butter and 1/2 chopped pear. (That is usually enough or a little more than I need to satisfy hunger.) Since I had not eaten for 14 hours overnight, I THOUGHT I could comfortably eat most of that bowl of cereal. However, I noticed the following clues as I ate:

(1) At first the cereal and pears tasted great, even though I had to eat slowly to let the hot food cool;

(2) Then the cereal didn't taste as good as the pear chunks;

(3) Then I wanted to glance at a grocery store ad laying on the counter. I realized that was a 'sign' and decided to take a break from eating, read the ad and reassess my hunger/satisfaction level before eating the remaining less than half of my cereal;

(4) When I returned to eating, I felt a little desperate to eat more of the cereal, maybe because I sensed I was almost satisfied and I didn't want to stop eating;

(5) After a few more bites, I heard my 2 inner voices, except this time the parent (P) was urging child (C) to keep eating:

P: You need to eat a few more bites. Remember that you intend to walk around the lake before lunch and you don't want to get hungry or low blood sugar symptoms before you get back.

C: I won't say a thing if I get hungry.

P: You know how you need to remove your retainers if you want a snack before lunch.

C: My stomach doesn't feel hungry now. Can I stop eating?

P: You know you have to take HCl capsules before eating any protein snacks.

C: (Staring at cereal left in bowl): That's too much. Do I have to eat all that?

P: OK, one more bite and you can stop.

C: (Swallowing last bite): UGGGGHHHH!

I was absolutely AMAZED to hear my inner child say "Do I have to eat all that?" It seems like my inner child is finally emerging from years of submitting to others' opinions about eating. That was the child who learned to ignore her stomach cues to obey parents who forced her to 'clean her plate. I always wondered why I continued to clean my plate even after I hated how my parents made me sit at the table for hours to finish cold, unappetizing food. Maybe years of dieting and restricting turned that inner child into a rebellious child who didn't want to be restricted from eating when hungry. Fortunately that inner child is finally rebelling against being forced to eat when she feels satisfied.

I threw out about 3 heaping spoonfuls of cereal and feel just fine 2 hours after finishing breakfast. I will take about an hour walk and then see how I feel. Nevertheless I intend to prepare less cereal next time, maybe less almond butter or less pear, but I will honor my inner child's preference to eat 'just enough'.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Irony of Mindful Eating

When I really focus on tastes and textures of food, I enjoy eating so much that I don't want to stop, even when I sense I'm satisfied or slightly full. Mindful eating enhances my enjoyment of the food so much that when my stomach says "Enough", my mouth says "NO WAY!!!" LOL Geneen Roth suggests in her chapter about 'Knowing When to Stop Eating' (in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating"): "Pay close attention to the point at which your focus moves from how good the food tastes to the urgency or desire to eat all you can while you can. The shift usually occurs after you've had enough and before all the food is gone." I recall that 'shift' occurs during almost every meal I mindfully eat.

As I read soooo many exercises for mindful eating in "Eat the Moment" by Pavel Somov, I can imagine myself enjoying food sooo much I'll never want to quit eating. HOWEVER, something happens when I really enjoy food. I slowly savor every bite's multiple tastes and textures (even with those 6 invisiline 'attachments' on my teeth LOL). That slow savoring process slows down my eating enough that my body has time to digest the food before I have eaten all the food on my plate. My body can indicate 'satisfaction' before my plate is empty.

Unfortunately my enjoyment of the food diminishes as my tastebuds become less sensitive. Very sweet foods taste less sweet; salty enough foods need more salt or seasoning; moist foods seem drier as my mouth salivates less. If I'm really intent on eating, rather than sensitive to my mouth cues (less acute taste and 'mouth feel' sensations), I will add more salt or condiments to the food left on my plate. However, when I recall that my tastes diminish as my hunger is satisfied, I can interpret that diminished taste as indicative of my body becoming satisfied. Although 'satisfied' is not as obvious (or uncomfortable) as hunger or fullness, that dimished taste IS a reliable cue. Boredom with eating, especially eating what initially was a really delicious food, is also indicative of becoming satisfied. Emotionally, as Geneen Roth says, the 'shift', from enjoying good food tastes to urgently wanting to eat as much as I can while I can, usually occurs after I'm satisfied but before I've 'cleaned my plate'.

So there are 3 quiet, but obvious signs of satisfaction: (1) diminished taste; (2) boredom with eating; and (3) urgency to keep eating despite stomach sensations of 'satisfaction'. Ironically, 'mindfully' experiencing tastes and textures of foods can help us notice the signs of satisfaction. Above all, staying aware of physical eating cues like tastes also allows us to notice that we are no longer hungry or even pleasantly full (with only slight stomach distention). The same mindfulness that makes food so enjoyable that I don't want to stop allows me to observe that the food doesn't taste as good and I'm no longer hungry. What I do with that information determines whether I stop at 'just enough' or continue looking for pleasure after food no longer tastes as good and I become uncomfortably full.

Today I ate past the point of 'just enough' at all 3 meals, even though I left food at each meal. I felt slightly uncomfortable after dinner, even though I left about 1/2 cup of food. I recognize that 'just enough' point of satisfaction, but I rationalize continuing to eat, because I only have to leave a couple of bites or because I fear getting hungry before I can prepare the next meal. I don't just fear hunger ... I fear low blood sugar symptoms. That motivates me to carefully choose foods that keep my blood sugar stable for hours.

I'm getting tired of admitting that I noticed satisfaction, but decided not to stop eating. What's the big deal? The 'point of satisfaction' is key to freedom from digestive discomfort. After years of eating from pain of hunger to pain of overly full, I keep choosing the path of pain, rather than the path of comfort and peace (the path of God's provision?). Well, I have 3 more chances tomorrow to decide to 'take care of (myself) even though it may not seem like it at the moment'. I have more opportunities to "stop eating and say, 'I want to feel good. I want to take care of myself. I do not want to get up from this table feeling stuffed and miserable and unable to concentrate.'" (Geneen Roth in "Breaking Free ...")

Resist Old Habit vs. Create New One

During the years I struggled with bingeing and purging, I often read that resisting the urge to purge would eliminate binges. I could occasionally resist the urge to binge and purge, when I overate and felt painfully full. However, I almost always chose to binge with the understanding that I would purge afterwards. After I had eaten a usual 'binge' amount, food naturally refluxed. I never had to force myself to purge, although I often drank lots of water to facilitate purging.

I eventually learned to resist urges to binge after I overate, so that overeating didn't trigger bingeing and purging. I almost never purged after simple overeating. However, I always paired bingeing with purging. So allowing myself to binge but trying to resist purging seems like putting myself into the well-worn brain rut of my binge/purge habit and expecting not to follow through. (See my previous post "Replacing Old Habits with New Ones".) That relies on 'will power'. I always believed I didn't use will power, but I used 'won't power' to prevent binges. I avoided situations and foods which seemed to trigger binges.

However I couldn't always avoid all my binge/purge triggers. No matter how much I planned to avoid those triggers, I still averaged a once a month binge/purge episode. Usually that occurred after feeling guilty about MANY episodes of overeating (but not bingeing or purging). I got sooo tired of feeling uncomfortably full that I gave in to bingeing on a day when I felt very stressed and overate. I believed that I could resist bingeing in response to a couple of stressful situations. However when I was overwhelmed with physical, emotioinal, relational and situational stressors, I stopped resisting and distracted myself with a binge episode. I often considered that 'rewarding' myself for several months of resisting a binge, because the process of overeating and enduring painful discomfort was not very rewarding.

Only when I changed my focus from resisting my old habit (bingeing) to creating a new habit (eating only to the point of comfort or 'enough') did I finally eliminate binge/purge episodes, because I greatly reduced overeating episodes. Creating a new brain path, by mindfully eating to the point of satisfaction, helped me completely avoid the old brain rut of overeating, bingeing and purging.

For the past almost 7 weeks, I've worked on stopping (eating) at 'just enough', which totally prevents guilt from overeating or digestive discomfort which sometimes motivates me to consider purging. I've also allowed myself to eat freely of any nonallergic foods I wanted, while letting my stomach cues of satisfaction tell me how much I could comfortably eat. Focussing on creating a positive habit (doing something), rather than resisting a negative habit (not doing something) has taken me beyond old cravings, struggles and brain ruts.

Mindful Eating vs. Portion Control

When I eat foods I've previously eaten, I know about how much I need to feel satisfied. So I can serve myself a comfortable, personal sized portion and not worry too much about overeating. For example, I know a bowl of hot cereal (1/4 cup dry), prepared with hazelnut milk (1 cup), almond butter (1 Tablespoon) and chopped pear (1/2 pear) will satisfy me without making me feel overly full. I can still leave a bite of that and feel satisfied.

However when I eat something new or foods I don't usually have, I really can't predict how much I need to satisfy my body. If I guess and then eat everything on my plate, I can feel uncomfortable full. Rather than relying on a known portion, I need to mindfully assess how my stomach feels as I eat. I need to be willing to stop eating before I finish what I served, even when I really enjoy the food. Nevertheless, familiar foods make 'portion control' seem much easier. If I felt satisfied by 1-1/2 cups of cereal yesterday, logically I should feel satisfied by the same amount today. However that logic ignores any physiological changes from yesterday to today.

I suspect 'portion control based on familiar foods is similar to diets which prescribe specific foods and specific portions. The diet promises weight loss, if the dieter eats the foods and portions described in the diet. If the only goal is weight loss, which is guaranteed by obeying the diet, the dieter doesn't need to consider whether she feels satisfied or overly full after eating the diet prescribed meal. Of course, when the dieter encounters foods not on the diet, she may not know how much to eat. She may even believe she's 'off the diet' and can ignore portion size altogether.

After eating unfamiliar foods for breakfast this morning and feeling torn between stopping when I felt satisfied and continuing to enjoy the food, I realized how much I rely on 'portion control' (or how much I know will satisfy me) from familiar or frequently eaten foods. Eating the same foods all the time, even when I eat those mindfully, is similar to eating a diet with prescribed foods and portions. I don't think about satisfaction or fullness. I just rely on past experiences with eating those foods.

However mindful eating requires that I pay attention to how my stomach feels even while eating foods which I've previously eaten and observed how much is necessary to satisfy me. Geneen Roth (in 'Breaking Free ...") says "Satisfaction is relative to your moods, your emotional needs, your physiological well being. What satisfies you one day may not be enough the next day." I will need more the next day after a day of eating very little. I may want more or different food when I feel tired or sleep deprived. I like different foods in cold weather than I like in hot weather. I don't like to eat the same foods day after day or meal after meal. So I need variety to feel satisfied.

I try, but can't always predict what or how much food I will need from meal to meal. Maybe because I don't want to 'waste' food or maybe admit that I guessed wrong or served myself too much, I often just eat what I served myself, despite my stomach cues about 'enough'. Then I rationalize that I'm thin and don't need to worry about overeating a little, when I feel uncomfortably full. The reality is that I DON'T know how much food I will need until I reach physiological satisfaction. I can't always serve myself a portion that exactly matches my body's needs, any more than I can predict today what food I will want a month from now. I can only rely on my physical sensations as I eat to tell me 'enough'.

Trying to control how much I eat by serving myself a familiar sized portion of a familiar food is like relying on a prescribed diet, a one size fits all scheme for eating. Just as diets don't adequately meet everyone's needs, familiarity with foods and previous portion sizes don't always match my body's needs. I need to approach each meal and each food as a first time experience. Only my body knows ... If I ignore my body cues about satisfaction or 'enoughness', I ignore the only accurate information I have.

Insights about Leaving Food

I committed last night to 'leave at least 1-2 bites on my plate at each meal'. I often serve myself sliced fruit in a baggy. So I have a ready container for what I don't eat. However, I often don't want to leave food that's still on my plate, ESPECIALLY when I enjoy the food. Here's what I experienced with breakfast:

I chose a thick slice of homemade cranberry relish bread topped with almond butter, peanut butter and cranberry relish (containing apples, tangerine, cranberries and walnuts) and some apple slices. I cut that bread into 2 parts, because all those toppings can easily all off a whole slice. I first enjoyed 2 apple slices, but remembered I really wanted the cranberry/nutbutter bread. After a few bites of half the bread, I felt less hungry. I thought "OH NO! I really wanted the bread. I hope I didn't already get full on the apple slices." I also considered whether I could save half the bread with toppings for another meal. I tend to think in terms of 'meal-sized' leftovers. However I wanted to eat what I prepared, because I'd anticipated this meal for awhile. So when I heard my stomach say 'enough already' before I ate much of the second half, I kept eating. Then I remembered my commitment to leave food at every meal. SAVED by the commitment! I left about 2 bites' worth, stopped eating and wrapped it up.

Then I started thinking about those 2 bites: "Should I have just thrown that away? What can I do with 2 bites?" I also remembered Geneen Roth's question (in 'Breaking Free from Emotional Eating'): "If you were told you could have food again anytime you wanted it, would you still be eating it?" I recalled all the times I didn't want to stop eating something that I loved, because I couldn't trust that I would let myself eat that the next time I felt hungry. I wanted to trust that I could have my breakfast leftover the next time I was hungry, like for lunch, but that didn't sound good when I was full after breakfast.

When I returned home after a long walk I was hungry again (about 5 hours later) and the cranberry bread with toppings sounded good again. Actually when I'm really hungry almost any starchy/fatty/protein with fruit meals sound good. However, I had 4 slices of leftover apple plus the 2 bites of that bread with topping. I contemplated making just 1/2 slice of bread with toppings, so I wouldn't have leftovers. However I decided to have a very thin slice of the bread, with very thin layers of the toppings plus my leftover apple and 2 bites of bread from breakfast. Amazingly I felt satisfied after eating all that EXCEPT about 3 bites of the thinly sliced bread with toppings. LOL How ironic!

Nevertheless, that was a good 'experiment'. Do I plan to have that leftover 3 bites of bread with toppings again for dinner? NOOOOO WAAAAAYY!! Enough already with cranberry bread with toppings and apple slices. I get really bored with eating the same thing 2 meals in a row, much less 3. I'll have turkey, vegies and rice for dinner (a frozen leftover meal from Christmas dinner). I'll add the wrapped 3 bites of bread to the other small leftover containers accumulating in my freezer. Yeah, I could throw out small amounts like that, but I do love creative cooking with leftovers. I suspect the bread with toppings will be a dessert for some low starch/low protein meal, when I want some bread.

I understand why I'm reluctant to leave a few bites. I don't want to see that food again so soon, even when I love it. I also don't want to figure out how to plan a meal around 3 bites of food. LOL Can I throw away remaining bites of foods I enjoy? I often do that with breakfast cereal, which I eat 3-4x a week. Maybe I'll try throwing away 2-3 bites next week. This week saving 1-3 bites at each meal is all I want to attempt.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Enough Already with Long Posts

I know several of my readers appreciated my long posts about meal-time self talk. However those posts and most of my other posts seem too long to hold anyone's interest, much less mine when I reread them. So, just as I'm learning to say 'enough already' when I eat meals (and maybe leave a bite or 2), I want to write shorter posts about my day to day experiences with mindful eating.

I'm currently reading "Eating the Moment: 141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating One Meal at a Time" by Pavel G. Somov, Ph.D. So I may describe my experiences with some of those mindful eating practices within the next few posts. I seem to more easily 'stop eating when satisfied' if I eat mindfully. However I haven't read any more helpful suggestions (to stop eating when satisfied) than the following 3:

(1) "It is much easier to notice when you are full if you stay alert while you are eating. If you savor every mouthful, you won't feel cheated. The sense of fullness won't come too soon and you will be ready to stop eating." (Susie Orbach in "On Eating")

(2) "Listen for the small quiet voice that says 'I've had enough'. The difference between hunger and enoughness can be, and often is, a bite or maybe two. If you are quiet enough and not directing your attention elsewhere you can hear the bodily transition to satisfaction. ... Your body is saying 'I've had enough. You can keep eating if you want but I'm ready to stop.' That voice is quiet and easy to miss, especially when you aren't used to hearing it or when the food tastes so good you don't want to hear it." (Geneen Roth in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating")

(3) "Decide beforehand that for a period of a few days or a week you are going to leave a few bites of food on your plate at each meal ... Decide that you want to know what it's like to consistently be comfortable with your food intake, to feel powerful and in charge of your eating ... It's not always going to be easy. But you can get through the hard moments by reminding yourself that (1) you can eat anytime you get hungry and that (2) you are taking care of yourself even though it may not seem like it at the moment. Ask youself how you want to feel when you get DONE eating." (Geneen Roth in "Breaking Free ...")

Replacing Old Habits with New Ones

The January "Today's Christian Woman" magazine featured an article by Karen Linamen, entitled "Put Down That Candy", which described how we form habits and how we can replace bad habits with good habits. Here are the author's recommendations:

(1) KNOW YOUR BRAIN: "Every time we repeat that action, thought or feeling, that pattern becomes more entrenched in our brains. Pretty soon all we have to do is start down the path of that familiar feeling, thought, or action, and our brains go on autopilot and attempt to complete the thought or action the same way we've done it tens of thousands of times before." That tendency facilitates learning. However it also makes us feel "'triggered' to repond the same way we've responded a hundred times before, even if we meant to respond diffently". So learning new habits requires powerfully opposing well established brain grooves.

That explains why just walking into the kitchen, where I previously binged, can make me want to snack, if I feel even close to hungry. I try to avoid time consuming food preparation projects when I'm hungry. So I often do chopping and slicing for stir fries or soups an hour or 2 after a meal or before the next meal. If I must prepare food (rather than reheat frozen dinners) just before a meal, I keep my tummy happy with warm herbal tea.

(2) KEEP TAKING THE NEW PATH: "When you're creating a new habit, half the battle is simply remembering to go down the newly blazed path of your new habit before your brain sends you down the well-trodden path of your old one ... It doesn't take much for your brain to fall back into the rut of a well-established habit. Look for 'cues' in your environment that direct your brain onto the path of a bad habit. When you identify a cue, change your environment. Either remove the cue or make it hard for your brain to follow through ... Disrupting an old pattern can make it harder for your brain to go on autopilot."

That explains why I so easily fall back into overeating at meals. I PRACTICED overeating for sooo many years. Now I need to mindfully acknowledge my stomach cues as I eat, stay aware of satisfaction symptoms (like boredom with eating) and convince myself that I will feel better in the long run if I stop at 'just enough', rather than eating until I feel full (or uncomfortably full). A few reminder cue cards might also help.

(3) CONCENTRATE YOUR EFFORTS: "The more practice you get in a short time frame, the more impression it'll make on your brain. It's kind of like training a dog ... And if you CAN'T practice more often in real life, practice in your head. Three or four times a day, close your eyes and picture yourself having mastered the habit you want to ingrain in your brain."

Maybe that explains why 'nothing succeeds like success'. The more consistently I practice a new habit within the first week or so, the more likely I will continue using that habit and replace the old habit with the new one. I haven't used visualization as much as just thoughtfully considering HOW I will implement a new habit.

(4) USE STOMACH-TURNING ASSOCIATIONS: "Associate (a troublesome habit) iwth something gross. Make it as disgusting as you can ... The same principle works in reverse. Is there a habit you'd love to embrace? Start associating it with stuff you enjoy."

Not exactly 'stomach-turning', but my fear of excruciating PAIN keeps me from eating any foods to which I have allergies. Maybe I could imagine what 'painfully full' feels like when I'm torn between stopping at 'just enough' and risking one more bite, which could send me into 'uncomfortably full'.

This article helped me better understand my difficulties with replacing disordered eating habits with 'normal' eating habits. That's a difficult process, but very doable when I understand how my brain works. I will put a cue card which says "Save hunger for the meal" on my refrigerator. Maybe I could place another card which says "Why am I eating? How do I want to feel when I finish?" beside my plate. I like the idea of reinforcing new habits with environmental cues. I need all the help I can get. LOL

Monday, January 5, 2009

Revisiting "Why Healthy Within?"

Shortly after I began this blog, I wrote a long, rambling post entitled "Why Healthy Within?" I don't know whether that post said what I intended to say about my purpose for this blog. An insight this morning prompted me to again answer "Why Healthy Within?"

I chose this title for my physical recovery journal, because after many years of struggling to change external habits, I learned that what I BELIEVE or my attitude about my body, food and eating habits determine whether or not I will successfully replace unhealthy habits (especially disordered eating habits) with healthier habits. So I wrote and will continue to write about the process of replacing counterproductive beliefs with more nurturing, gracious, healthier beliefs or becoming healthier 'within' my mind and belief system.

Some of my counterproductive beliefs came from childhood experiences, such as being forced to sit at the table until I cleaned my plate. So I want to remember 'that was then and this is now' as I consider what is true for my body, my relationships and my life today.

Other counterproductive beliefs resulted from failed attempts to change habits. For example, when I tried to resist bingeing, I sometimes started bingeing after snacking on sweet foods which I seldom let myself eat. Then I developed the counterproductive belief that certain FOODS made me binge, rather than my beliefs about those foods or even my beliefs about 'snacking'. I replaced those counterproductive beliefs with realizations that (1) Nothing MAKES me binge ... I CHOOSE to binge according to what I belief in the moment; (2) Although certain foods can make me hungrier, rather than make me feel satisfied for long periods, I can use that observation to combine 'make me hungrier' foods with foods that stay with me longer to avoid the experience of getting hungry soon after eating certain foods; (3) I can moderately, consciously eat any food unless I have diagnosed food allergies or experiences with intolerance symptoms to that food. When I examine counterproductive beliefs and consider how and when I developed those beliefs, I can see that circumstances change and long-held beliefs may no longer be true.

OK, enough examples. I don't want to write another long, rambling post. My point is my body can become healthier, when I replace unhealthy, counterproductive beliefs with more nurturing, healthier beliefs. I intend to use this journal to describe that process.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Reading at Meals: Pause & Assess

I previously read newspapers, magazines, books or even mail while I ate. Then I realized reading was distracting me from my stomach cues of 'not hungry or satisfied or even pleasantly full. I also missed the psychological enjoyment of tastes and textures of the food. So I stopped reading altogether for 1-2 meals several days a week. Then I forgot my intention to focus on the meal and started to read at a later meal. After a few moments I felt cheated. I preferred to enjoy the meal. I knew I could read later.

However, this morning before breakfast, I had laid the newspaper within reach (and view), although I didn't intend to read during breakfast. As I ate and began to feel satisfied, I started feeling 'bored with eating' no matter how tasty the food was when I started. I suspect that boredom occurs because my tastebuds are not as keen when I'm no longer hungry. So tasty food stops tasting as great.

When I reached that 'boring (maybe I'm satisfied?)' point this morning, I glanced at the paper. I didn't want to eat while reading. So I just put my spoon down, pushed my bowl of cereal aside and read the front page for a few minutes. Then I decided to return to my bowl of cereal to see if I really wanted more. My favorite cereal didn't taste as good. So I started picking out the cereal coated fruit (pear). After about 3 bites I didn't want more.

That experience showed me that stopping eating to read during a meal CAN provide a useful stopping point or pause to consider how satisfied I feel. I prefer to stop eating at pleasantly full (very slight but comfortable stomach distention), rather than 'not hungry anymore'. So stopping eating long enough to read or pray or converse with someone else for a few minutes, when I start to feel 'bored', can help me acknowledge that I'm satisfied and choose whether I want to quit eating or slowly eat a couple more bites. That pause also lets my body 'catch up' or digest the food enough for my blood sugar to rise and tell me I'm satisfied. I'm now considering saying 'grace' somewhere in the middle of my meal, to insert a prayerful pause that enables me to assess my satisfaction/fullness level.

Self-Trust Helps Me Let Go

Many 'normal eating' gurus say that we can more easily stop eating when satisfied IF we trust that we will feed ourselves whenever we feel hungry again. For example, Geneen Roth in Breaking Free from Emotional Eating says in her chapter about "Knowing When to Stop Eating": "Decide that you want to know what it's like to consistently be comfortable with your food intake, to feel powerful and in charge of your eating ... It's not always going to be easy. But you can get through the hard moments by reminding yourself that (1) you can eat anytime you get hungry and (2) you are taking care of yourself even though it may not seem like it at the moment."

Susie Orbach in 'On Eating" says in her chapter "Stop Eating the Moment You are Full": "If you aren't hungry for very much, don't worry. You will be hungry again soon ... Promise yourself that you will eat what you want the next time you are hungry."

Even Gwen Shamblein in "Weigh Down Diet" says in her chapter "How to Stop When You are Full": "Why in the world would we ever want morethan we need? ... We eat as if there is no tomorrow, thinking we had better 'get while the getting is good.' Perhaps we are not sure that we believe there is a God, especially a caring Father/Creator ... God is going to let you get hungry again and ... He is going to feed you again!"

Although I trust that God will provide food for me when I'm hungry, I don't trust that I will let myself eat when I'm hungry. After years of binge/purge episodes, which usually started after 'stand at the kitchen counter' between meal snacks, I feared any between meal snacks could turn into a binge. So I tried to limit all my eating to meals. Sure enough, I regularly binged after I ate while I prepared food between meals or when I continued to snack at the kitchen counter after an unsatisfying meal. Maybe my belief created a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Eventually I taught myself that I could snack or taste foods I prepared between meals WITHOUT feeling so guilty that I would say 'Oh what the heck! I might as well binge" and follow that self-talk with a binge/purge episode. I replaced that 'between meal snack' binge trigger by accepting that I wouldn't always perfectly abstain from eating between meals, but I didn't have to feel guilty, distract myself with a binge and try to undo the guilt with a purge episode.

Then I talked to my orthodontist about getting Invisiline retainers to straighten my lower front teeth and 'underbite' (my top teeth didn't close over the bottom teeth). When I learned that I could NOT eat while wearing Invisiline retainers, I decided that would be a great deterrent for between meal snacking. I regretted the few times I tried to snack with those retainers, because I spent a lot of time and effort brushing them afterwards to remove stuck on food particles. So Invisilines eventually helped me abstain from all between meal snacking.

However never snacking meant I often felt VERY hungry by the time I prepared the next meal. When I approached a meal after being hungry for a long time, I didn't want to stop eating until I was painfully full. I regularly ate from the pain of 'starved' to the pain of overly full. Actually I started that habit of eating from painfully hungry to painfully full long before Invisilines, when I feared snacking would lead to bingeing.

I had repeatedly read Geneen Roth's and Susie Orbach's suggestions about reminding yourself when you felt satisfied at a meal, that you could eat anytime you felt hungry again. However I could NOT trust myself to eat when I was hungry. I believed eating between meals meant bingeing between meals. Then after I got Invisilines, I convinced myself that either (1) snacking between meals when I felt hungry was too much hassle or (2) snacking would ruin my appetite for a meal (usually dinner) which I planned to eat with my husband.

Eventually I realized I would not let myself stop at 'just enough' if I could not trust that I could eat again when I needed food. I experienced a few scarey low blood sugar episodes, because I didn't anticipate getting hungry as soon as I did. I had to remove the retainer to eat something during one of those episodes. However, I still didn't want to 'snack' between meals, because I wanted to enjoy the meal I planned and eat foods I really enjoyed. I dislike most dry snack foods, although I enjoy fresh fruit which can bring up my blood sugar until I prepare a 'real meal'.

Nevertheless, the Invisiline retainer was a hassle. Then I got both upper and lower retainers, which made me even less inclined to snack. However, I repeatedly resisted stopping at 'enough' because I feared hunger and low blood sugar at inconvenient times. Nevertheless, I knew I needed a safe, easy to consume snack for those times I needed to prepare food when I was hungry or needed to run an errand shortly before my next anticipated meal. So I tried nourishing liquids, which didn't get food stuck under my retainers. First I tried apple or pear juice, but I didn't get much staying power from those. Then I tried hazelnut milk (which I use with cereals). That had enough fats, protein and natural carbs to bring up my blood sugar and sustain me for long enough.

After several experiences of drinking a little hazelnut milk, I finally began to 'let go' of food when I felt satisfied at meals. I could trust that I would give myself some nourishment if I felt hungry before the next meal. I didn't have to overeat to the point of 'painfully full' so that I wouldn't get hungry for a long time. I started leaving at least one bite of food on my plate or in my bowl at each meal, which made me feel even more sensitive to my body cues and comfortable when I stopped eating. I could FINALLY trust myself to take care of myself "even though it may not feel like it at the moment".

All those suggestions about stopping eating when I could trust myself to eat again anytime I felt hungry were absolutely true. I don't exactly eat anything I crave when I feel hungry between meals, because I usually crave a whole, sit-down meal when I'm hungry, rather than snack foods. However I found a few liquids which would resolve my hunger for a few minutes while I prepared what I really wanted or at least got home to food I liked. Trusting that I can use 'liquid snacks' when I feel hungry between meals helped me 'let go' of food when I feel satisfied. So I no longer eat until 'painfully full'.