Insights from Last 3 Meals of 2008

Amazingly, I didn't eat all my bowl of cooked cereal at BREAKFAST. However, I altered my usual cereal. Instead of adding rice bran to Bob's Red Mill gluten free Might Tasty Cereal with cardamon, hazelnut milk and chopped pears, I tried ground flax meal. I had heard other celiacs, who suffer from chronic irregularity, say flax meal keeps them 'regular'. So I wanted to try their suggestion to add flax meal to cereal. Unfortunately, the flax meal turned my usual 'whole body pleaser' cereal into a gelatinous, goo-ball which only vaguely reminded me of hot cereal. Nevertheless I was hungry (even 14 hours after dinner when I overeat), enough to suffer through cereal. After eating most of that nauseating gooey stuff, I fought the urge to throw up, which would cause even more regularity problems than flax meal might resolve. Nevertheless, I noticed how easily I could stop eating that bowl of goo, when I no longer felt hungry. My motive for eating that cereal was not to enjoy a pleasurable meal, but just to stop the hunger and keep myself unhungry while I ran errands this morning.

I don't want to return to eating unappetizing foods, just to control how much I eat. That's a sure path to occasionally bingeing on all the yummy foods, while I just at unappetizing stuff at most meals. BTDTWGB (Been there, done that. Won't go back.) However, I can remind myself when I eat really tasty food that my main motive for eating is to satisfy hunger, make myself feel better and stay unhungry for hours afterwards. Eating so much that I feel miserably full definitely does NOT make me feel better. I know I can eat just enough of 'whole body pleasers' and not get hungry again for 4-6 hours. Maybe carefully choosing WHAT I eat, as well as focussing on how I feel while I eat, is key to stopping at 'just enough'. I also realize that even enormous amounts of tasty food consumed at every meal from now until I die will never take away the sense of deprivation I developed when I only ate foods I loved during binge/purge episodes for about 40 years. Although I would like to spend 40 more years eating normal, responsible, nurturing (vs. abusive) meals, I can only commit to eat what I like, when I'm physically hungry, and stop when I'm comfortably satisfied and/or full (when I occasionally eat unsatisfying foods) one meal at a time.

LUNCH was another surprise. I wanted vegies, but couldn't decide between leftover turkey rice casserole with cooked brocolli or a cooked vegie salad. I feared I would overeat the salad, because I usually rationalize that I have to eat the entire salad, because I can't reheat it the next day. However, I really wanted a salmon salad with cooked brocolli and carrots, tangerine chunks and sesame seeds. I added more olive oil and agave to the leftover Italian dressing to improve the taste. I LOVED that salad, which felt very good in my stomach. Nevertheless, I started to feel full before I had eaten even half. So I considered how and when I could eat the rest in a future meal and imagined serving the reheated salad on brown rice for lunch tomorrow. Then I stopped after another bite, when I was just satisfied but not full. So I still had room for 1/2 of a small ginger cooky. I left the table feeling very comfortable and delighted that I ate just enough really tasty food! Maybe my previous posts have helped me think differently about eating only to the point of satisfaction and/or comfortably full.

DINNER didn't feel so good. I was definitely hungry, ate slowly and enjoyed what I ate (2 small apple/walnut pancakes with lots of maple syrup and coconut butter, 1-1/2 strips of turkey bacon and 2 teaspoonfuls of applesauce). I felt myself getting comfortably full. Then I noticed I had FORGOTTEN to take my vitamins, probiotic and HCl capsules which enable my stomach to digest proteins, absorb certain nutrients and empty at a normal rate, rather than so slowly that I feel horrible after any sized meal. I quickly grabbed those and took them with water. However I'm supposed to take the acid BEFORE and/or during the meal, rather than at the end of a meal, to prevent painful reflux as the acid sits on top of the stomach churning food. Unfortunately I forget to take those capsules before the meal and did need those to digest the bacon and other foods.

I did have horrible reflux within 5 minutes, but I kept swallowing cool water to wash the acid back down. The reflux stopped, but the digestive pain started, right below my stomach, maybe where the stomach empties into the small intestine with partially digested food ... After another hour I stopped feeling that pain and felt more like my meal began to digest normally ... WHEW!! I'm glad I took the HCl caps even if I did take them late. I used to have uncomfortable pain for 3-5 hours after every meal, before I started taking HCl.

I guess dinner was another reminder that indigestion and discomfort are only a few mouthfuls or a forgetful moment away. I will probably need to take HCl the rest of my life, but that's a small price to pay for comfortable digestion and avoiding the urge to throw up to relieve digestive discomfort. I also suspect I ate too fast to really sense when I felt satisfied, but I didn't feel bad until a few minutes after I ate and after I took the supplements, which don't cause discomfort when I take them before my first bite of food.

I don't think I will want sweet foods for breakfast after tonight's sweet dinner and painful indigestion, before the HCl kicked in. Unpleasant memories from meals always taint my memories of even the tastiest, most satisfying foods. I dislike digestive pain. I suffered for too many years before my CD and food allergies were diagnosed, which is all the more reason to eat slowly and consciously in order to recognize and STOP eating at satisfaction or a comfortably full point.

Full Circle

On this last day of 2008, I seem to have come full circle since I started this blog during November. My posts continually questioned my motivation for both overeating and eating just enough. I realized that despite restrictions from 7 food allergies and a few intolerances (like sorbitol types of sweetners and foods/beverages which exacerbate reflux like caffeine and alcohol), I STILL have freedom to eat many different foods. Last night I discussed my fears of deprivation everytime I considered stopping eating when I still had food on my plate. I realized that deprivation came from childhood experiences as well as years of dieting, bingeing, purging and unnecessary restriction. (I view my allergy restrictions as VERY necessary to prevent painful symptoms.)

I began this blog after an incident where a hangover made me so nauseas that I wanted to throw up, but I also craved bland foods to relieve the nausea. That was a perfect set up for a binge/purge episode. However after bingeing and purging twice that day, I committed to eat a healthy dinner and not throw up. I knew I needed the nutrition (and fiber for regularity). Nevertheless, I felt progressively more nauseas after dinner and experienced more and more reflux until finally, about 3 hours after dinner, I could not control the urge to throw up. That painful vomiting was similar to my previous experiences with continual 'dry heaves' when I had intestinal bacterial infections. I continued to reflux, no matter how little I ate, for the next 3 days. During that time I wondered if I would ever again normally digest food. That episode occurred over 5 weeks ago. During my night of uncontrollable vomitting, I realized I needed God's grace. I realized I couldn't overcome my beliefs about eating or my gastrointestinal problems on my own.

During the next 5 weeks I explored my beliefs about eating and worked on eating only when physically hungry, choosing foods that tasted good, felt good in my body and satisfied hunger for long periods, and stopping when I felt satisfied or comfortably full. Listening to my mealtime self-talk revealed my 'reasons' for not stopping when I was comfortably full or had eaten just enough to satisfy hunger. Some of those 'reasons' sounded pretty convincing and included:

(1)"I don't need to lose weight. I can get away with overeating."

(2) "If I overeat now, I just won't need to eat until I feel hungry again (WD's 'push the restart button' logic)."

(3)"I have ENOUGH restrictions from 7 food allergies, why should I restrict how much I eat at a meal?"

(4) "I serve myself small portions already. Leaving a few bites of food, even when I'm no longer hungry, makes me feel deprived."

(5) "I need more fiber for regularity, so I should consume all this high fiber food, even when I'm already full."

(6) "I feel too full, because my digestion is impaired by CD, hypochloridia, (fill in the blank), so I can ignore my stomach cues to stop eating."

One by one by God's Grace, I challenged each of those rationalizations. Here's what I now realize about those 'reasons to overeat':

(1) and (2) are "Overeating won't hurt me" rationalizations. Overeating at a meal and then delaying the next meal until I'm really hungry, as well as daily exercise, HAS kept my weight low over the years. However I DO experience reflux when I overeat, even if I don't eat foods that relax the esophageal valve. Overeating also erodes my self-trust. I sometimes concluded that I couldn't control myself around foods I overeat and decided to put those foods away for awhile. Of course, 'put those (tasty) foods away' sets me up for bingeing, when I experience emotional pain. Unnecessary restriction can lead me to rebellious feasts (or binges) of those foods I 'put away' because I fear I will overeat them. Overeating causes discomfort and stresses my gastrointestinal system. I suspect anything which causes discomfort may influence irregularity and other digestive problems. I already have enough gastrointestinal challenges from CD, food allergies and hypochloridia. Why create unnecessary pain by overeating?

(3) and (4) are 'deprivation' rationalizations. In my previous post I quoted Geneen Roth's comments about deprivation in her "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" book. Refusing to 'deprive' myself of unnecessary food after I feel satisfied actually deprives me of physical comfort and self-trust. I want to leave the table feeling comfortable, confident that I can take care of myself and delighted with the satisfying meal I just consumed, NOT painfully, unconfortably full, uncertain about whether I can eat certain foods responsibly and sad that I ruined a potentially great meal by making myself miserable through overeating.

(5) and (6) are my "I need to overeat to cope with gastrointestinal problems" rationalizations. Those seem logical on the surface, but upon reflection (and reading what I wrote about rationalizations (1)-(4), I realize that overeating causes pain, which indicates I'm not taking good care of my body. I can easily consume fiber in comfortable sized meals. Before I eliminated all my food allergies and started taking betaine hydrochloride to correct hypochloridia, I may have mistaken bloating for 'fullness'. However, 'not hungry' or 'the food doesn't taste as good as it did when I started this meal' is ALWAYS a sign that I'm satisfied and have eaten enough, no matter how I feel. If I'm really ill, I don't need to challenge my body with extra food. My body will tell me when I need more.

The previous 3 'answers' to my 6 rationalizatons sound pretty convincing. However, my actions, whether I can eat just enough at meals, after challenging those rationalizations, will show whether my answers convinced me to trust my body cues and eat in a way that nurtures rather than abuses my body. My next post about today's meals showed me that I could trust myself to take care of my body.

So I came full circle, back to my original motivation to eat when hungry, to consciously eat foods that satisfied my physical hunger for long periods and to stop when I felt comfortably full and satisfied, NOT because I need to lose weight (I don't), not because I want to save money on food, but because eating in a way that nurtures my body will improve my gastrointestinal health and overall well-being.

Stop at Enough or Feel Deprived?

Sometimes I can stop eating and leave food on my plate, when I sense that I have eaten enough and feel satisfied. If I can put the food away for another meal, especially if I PLAN to save food for another meal, like in a restaurant when I request a takeout box when they serve my entree, or when I leave a plastic baggy by my plate to save extra fruit, or even when I leave a small container by my plate to save extra food to put into soup or casseroles or on salad at another meal. More often, the notion of stopping when there is still food on my plate, especially food which I can't save (salad, cooked cereal which is unappetizing later, etc.) sets off all kinds of DEPRIVATION alarms in my brain.

Usually I rely on externally limiting how much I ate. The TW book Day 2 says: "A surprising, yet little know fact is that your stomach when empty is about hte size of your fist, which means that approoximately a fist-sized amount of food is all that is required to take you from that 0 to a comfortable 5. That can be a great revelation to those who are accustomed to five-fisted eating; however, it is a reality, and when reckoned with can be quite freeing." I have long relied on serving myself smaller portions, so that I wouldn't have to face the dilemma of sensing 'enough', when there was still food on my plate.

Stopping eating when I feel satisfied and leaving food on my plate sets off all kinds of DEPRIVATION alarms in my brain. I really don't know where that comes from. As a child I was forced to sit at the table until I finished everything on my plate, sometimes until midnight. I often woke up and threw up in the middle of the night after being forced to eat cold, unappetizing food. Maybe I was really allergic to some of what I ate ... Whatever ... I don't know why leaving food sets off alarms now, except maybe my belief that I'll starve before the next meal if I don't eat as much as possible. There was a 'no between meal snacks' rule (for me only) in our house. I wonder if I fear punishment for wasting food or fear starvation if I don't leave the table stuffed to the gills ... okay, not that stuffed, but at least I believe I DESERVE everything I put on my plate, until I feel full, not 'just enough'. I don't want to let go of food until I feel a little uncomfortably full. Somehow I believe I will 'last until the next meal' if I leave the table uncomfortably full. However, I also know that eating comfortable amounts of 'whole body pleasers' like hot cereal with fruit, hazelnut milk and almond butter or other balanced combinations of fats, proteins and fiber, can keep me unhungry for 4-6 hours. I can eat a fist-full sized portion of whole body pleasers, feel comfortably satisfied and last 4-6 hours, but I need to feel 'stuffed' to last that long with other foods.

Suzie Orbach in her book "On Eating" says:

"It is easier to notice when you are full if you stay alert while your are eating. IF YOU SAVOR EVERY MOUTHFUL, YOU WON'T FEEL CHEATED. THE SENSE OF FULLNESS WON'T COMETOO SOON AND YOU WILL BE READY TO STOP EATING. Your body will send you a message that you are satisfied."

OK, I've eaten slowly and focussed on the taste of food. Yet I STILL don't want to let go when I have eaten enough. I STILL feel deprived. So I thought back to my childhood, when I was forced to eat my mom's terrible cooking or sit at the table sometimes until midnight until I DID finish the cold, unappetizing food on my plate. I STILL hate cold food, that was served hot. I still can't look at, smell or even think about hamburgers, because I was forced to eat cold, greasy hamburger once at midnight and later threw up hamburger in the middle of the night. So WHY don't I gladly leave food when I feel satisfied? Why do I force myself to 'clean my plate' as an adult?

When I think about 'cleaning my plate', I realize my tendency is more like 'licking the dish' of a really tasty food. If I don't really LOVE a food, I can more easily stop at satisfaction, throw it away or wrap it up for another meal. However, sometimes when I REALLY love something, I don't want to stop because I will feel 'deprived' if I let go of the food. Maybe that deprivation comes from being forced as a child to eat food I disliked (what my mother served at meals) and being deprived of desserts (cookies, cake, etc.), because she thought I was 'too fat' for those desserts. Instead of sugar laden cookies, I got sugar syrup laden canned peaches or pear, which I still detest to this day. I prefer the fresh fruit to canned fruit. So I only feel deprived if I love the food. Nevertheless, I'm trying to choose foods I LOVE and which satisfy my body (whole body pleasers), which makes letting go of even one bite rather challenging.

When I consider how I ate beyond my childhood, I remember months and years of dieting interrupted regularly by binges. Maybe my deprivation mentality came from years of self-imposed dieting, when I was not overweight, but FEARED I would gain weight or wanted to be as thin as possible to offset my chronically celiac bloated belly. Even though I 'rewarded' my diet deprivation with regular binges, I did not really enjoy the food I ate during binges, beyond the first few bites. So I spent years either depriving myself of foods I loved or eating those foods frantically to the point of extreme discomfort during binges. Maybe I don't trust myself now to regularly give myself the foods I love. I'm just beginning to regularly choose 'whole body pleasers'. I still follow a few 'healthy eating' rules (mostly about high fiber for regularity). I still have 7 food allergy restrictions. I do miss some dairy based and egg based foods which I can no longer enjoy without suffering excruciating pain.

Nevertheless I suspect I don't want to deprive myself of those last few bites of food on my plate after I'm satisifed because I believe the lie I was told for years, "Thin people can eat as much and as often as they want." Maybe that's true for undiagnosed celiacs who don't absorb nutrients, have chronic dehydration from diarrhea or don't eat much when they're alone because of gut pain. However, I know thin, normal eaters, don't eat gross amounts all the time or they won't remain thin.

Moreover, I think Geneen Roth in "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" describes my exact dilemma when she writes:

"I could eat from morning till night for the next six months or six years and I would have still dieted and binged for seventeen years of my life ... There isn't enough food in the world to heal the isolation of those years. there isn't enough food to fill the space created by the deprivation and the ensuing feelings of craziness.

We can't go back. We can't eat for all the times we didn't eat. We CAN use that pain as an indicator of what doesn't work. We don't have to deprive ourselves any longer. Beginning today.

A balance exists, however, between not depriving yourself of the food you want when you are hungry and using food to make up for all the other ways you feel deprived. All the ways you can't have what you want ... Eating what you want gets translated to eating whenever you want regardless of your hunger ... Consequently we turn to and use food as the area in our lives in which we can have exactly what we want when we want it ... And while it is true that you cannot trust the feeling that because you want something you must have it, it is not true that YOU cannot be trusted.

Trust develops and builds when I am given a choice (and not, as in dieting, denied it). Trust deveops when I chooose to make myself comfortable, not miserable, to take care of myself, rather than hurt myself ... Trust develops when you learn from actual experience that you can decide which desires to act upon and which you will leave to fantasy."

I can NEVER make up for all those years I spent dieting, then bingeing and purging, then returning to restrictive diets. I CAN choose to leave the table comfortable, rather than miserably full. I can choose to leave just enough on my plate or bowl so that I only eat 'just enough' food to feel satisfied and comfortably full. I can learn through one eating experience after another than I can trust myself to take care of, rather than abuse my body, starting at the very next meal.

Invisiline Retainers: Snack Deterrents

6 months ago I consulted an orthodontist about my crooked lower front teeth and problem bite. (I bite the insides of my cheek and lips fairly regularly while eating. My top front teeth no longer closed over my bottom teeth. One of my lower front teeth practically laid over the top of the adjacent tooth. For many years I had complained to my regular dentist that my teeth were getting more crooked. However that dentist was VERY CONSERVATIVE and didn't want to unnecessarily work on teeth which didn't have decay or root problems. Maybe he considered my desire to correct my teeth alignment 'vain' or cosmetic. Years earlier, he actually botched a root canal, which a more skilled endodontist discovered when he examined an adjacent tooth. So I endured progressively more crooked front teeth, which my dentist told me everyone gets with age and/or my teeth wouldn't get any worse. Then I realized I was letting another authority figure tell me what I needed, just as I had endured abuse from my mom for many years. So I DEMANDED a referral to a good orthodontic dentist.

Finally my denist did something right. He referred me to a GREAT orthodontist who described the pros and cons of regular braces and Invisiline retainers. After that discussion, we decided to use a series of Invisiline (plastic) retainers to gradually shift my lower teeth to the left and my upper teeth into proper alignment to correct my bite. The advantage of Invisiline retainers (over regular 'braces') is that I can remove those to eat, floss and brush my teeth. So with good dental care, the chance of decay from food stuck in the retainers (unlike braces) is VERY low. Also Invisiline retainers move the teeth in tiny increments, which don't cause as much pain, as usual braces.

The disadvantage is I have to remove the Invisiline retainers to eat and then floss and brush my teeth and the retainer before reinserting. I tried eating 'soft foods' between meals, because I believed soft foods wouldn't hurt the retainers. However ANYTHING I eat gets stuck, not only outside the retainers, but also inside the crevices of the retainer, which are almost impossible to clean by brushing. I usually need to remove small pieces of food with my fingernails.

So, when I'm really starved, but not ready to eat a meal, I need to eat or drink SOMETHING which won't get stuck in my retainers. Praise God for hazelnut milk!! (Most other nondairy milks have ingredients to which I have food allergies.) That milk gives me protein, fats and liquids to sustain me until I can prepare a meal. If I really need to bring my blood sugar up quickly, I drink apple or pear juice. (Orange juice doesn't work as well, because it gives me reflux.)

HOWEVER, I also tend to eat past satisfaction at meals, so that I don't need to eat for 4-6 hours, because I have to remove the retainers to eat anything, then brush, floss, brush retainers and reinsert. When I first got the lower retainer, I obsessively abstained from between meals snacks. Then I started just yanking out the retainer (just had lower for 6 months), shoving it into my pocket and shoving snacks (especially free fresh fruit samples at Whole Foods) into my mouth, not brushing after eating and reinserting the retainer. NOW that I have 2 retainers to remove and reinsert, I'm really hesitant to snack even if I'm physically hungry. As mentioned, the hazelnut milk and apple juice allow me to consume something to restore my blood sugar, if I'm really hungry.

My new upper retainer is VERY difficult to insert and remove. I have 5 attachments on 5 different upper teeth (little bumps where the retainer hooks onto my teeth). The dentist initially created 6 attachments, but the first one came off when I 'practiced' taking off the retainer. My orthodontist said "It must be a sign." We both laughed and went with just 5 attachments. Nevertheless retainer removal and reinsertion next to impossible and very painful for maybe a few days. The goal is to move my upper teeth into a better 'bite' formation so that they close over my bottom teeth. The first upper retainer initiates that 'movement' and is very uncomfortable at first. About an hour after I insert the retainer, I forget it's there, but it hurts at first.

With all that difficulty and discomfort I want to minimize the insertion/removal process and NOT eat between meals. So I rationalized overeating at both lunch and dinner today. I wanted to leave the table 'stuffed' so that I didn't have to eat anything for 4-6 hours. Hmmm ... I remember doing that when I first got my lower retainer, until I realized I was making myself more uncomfortable longer by overeating than I could with the retainer. Now I also know I can drink hazelnut milk and apple juice if I really get famished before the next meal. Sooo enough of that overeating silliness. I don't have to stuff myself to last until the next meal. After a few days of eating just enough, I really dislike being overly full.

However, I also hear another 'rationalization' voice at meals now that I'm at ideal weight. That self-talk says: "If you want to maintain your weight, you need to eat more than just enough. People who need to lose weight need to stop at 'satisfaction'. You don't want to lose any more weight. So you can eat until 'full'." That sounds logical ... Nevertheless, I trust that God created my body's hunger/fullness cues to tell me when I've had 'just enough' to eat. Those cues won't let me lose too much weight if I eat when hungry and stop when satisfied and comfortably full. I choose to trust God's creative wisdom over my doubting self-talk. Nevertheless, I sense another discussion topic emerging. So I'll stop here and start a new post on that topic.

Mealtime Self-Talk 12/29/08

I described in my previous post about 'rationalizing snacks and high fiber diets' my thoughts when I chose to eat grapes with ginger tea, while standing in the kitchen preparing my 'real' BREAKFAST. Here's my reaction to that breakfast of oatmeal with apples, almond butter and hazelnut milk:

I was soooo glad to eat this meal alone, because my husband returned to work for 3 days this morning. Focussing on my reactions to eating is more difficult when I eat with other people, even my husband to whom I've been married for over 14 years. So posting my mealtime self-talk in this blog has helped me stay more aware of my reactions. I LOVED the oatmeal, how it tasted, the textures of chewy oatmeal, bits of almond and apple, creamy almond butter and hazelnut milk, how it felt in my stomach, and how it satisfied my hunger. I ate very slowly for over 25 minutes with no distractions except a burning advent candle. Hot cooked cereal with fruit is DEFINITELY a whole body pleaser for me. I felt satisfied, but not uncomfortably full after that meal. I can easily see how eating whole body pleaser MEALS, rather than isolated foods which taste good, but don't readily satisfy hunger (like grapes LOL) allow me to feel satisfied and not want any other food for 4-6 hours afterwards. I suspect I crave desserts (or another sweet taste) after meals where I eat too quickly and/or don't eat combinations of foods which are whole body pleasers. However I also suspect enjoying a sweet taste (like one date) after a meal is just a pleasant habit.

For LUNCH I ate a turkey sandwich with my favorite gluten free bread (tastes closer to whole wheat bread than other GF breads), mayonnaise, lettuce and cranberry relish (includes cranberry, orange, apple and walnut bits), 1/2 a small apple and 5-7 black grapes (I lost count) for dessert. Although I brought in the mail and started to look at clothing catalogs while I ate, I immediately remembered how much more I enjoy food when I can focus on tastes and textures without distractions. I remembered I'll have enough distractions when my husband is home from Thursday though Sunday and eats most meals with me. I absolutely LOVED the turkey sandwich and apple slices. That was another whole body pleaser meal. I could actually feel my hunger levels going from VERY hungry to a little hungry to almost satisfied and full, before I ate the grapes for dessert. The grapes took me to absolutely satisfied (after a balanced meal) and comfortably full. (I've already described my experiences with and conclusions about grapes as 'dessert' in previous posts.) I also took about 30 minutes for eat that meal. So my body could register satisfied as well as full. I was amazed that I could actually feel my hunger/satisfaction cues change as I ate. Hopefully I can stay aware of those cues even while engaged in conversation during meals with my husband. At least that's my intention--to make conscious eating second nature after I've practiced conscious eating and journalling my self-talk reactions for awhile.

After 2 very 'conscious eating' meals, I was ready to stop journalling mealtime self-talk after today. However tonight's DINNER was very different, probably because it was very DELAYED. About an hour before I expected my husband home, I felt very hungry, cold and weak (my usual low blood sugar symptoms). So I drank a glass of warm hazelnut milk, which made me feel much better. Unfortunately I then got a call from my husband saying he would be very late, because buses were infrequent today. He got home an hour late. I was STARVED and desperately grabbed 2 cooked brussel sprouts from what I was adding to a chicken stirfry dish for myself. (My husband wanted soup.) Here are my reactions to dinner of chicken/vegie stirfry (not quite 2 cups) and dessert of 1/4 cup of pumpkin ice cream (homemade vegan recipe):

I really enjoyed the chicken stirfry, especially with extra brussel sprouts. Olive oil which I used in preparation gave that dish a very satisfying flavour and mouth feel. That was another 'whole body pleaser' dish. However I didn't fully concentrate on the food, because I was talking to my husband. So I felt satisfied and comfortably full BEFORE I ate the ice cream. I really didn't need ice cream, but I planned to have that dessert and my 'mouth' (not my stomach) craved that taste, maybe because I was too distracted to really enjoy all the stir fry dish. My husband took a couple of spoonfuls of ice cream, I ate about 1/4 cup and put the rest back into the freezer. That didn't seem like very much, but I felt uncomfortably full. I had forgotten how miserable I can feel after eating just a bit too much.

At least I HOPE overeating caused my discomfort. I also accidentally licked the spoon I used to stir my husband's soup which contained some SOY protein (to which I'm allergic). When I checked the label and saw soy, I quickly gargled with water, rather than swallowing. I sure hope I didn't get any soy contamination. My last painful soy reaction lasted 2 weeks. SIGH This is the first time I wanted my discomfort to be caused by overeating, which disappears as my stomach digests the food. Soy contamination symptoms not only don't disappear readily, they get much worse before they get better. I pray I successfully avoided contamination. I'll know for sure by tomorrow morning.

I probably won't post more mealtime self-talk descriptions. This journal topic has become monotonous. Nevertheless, I've learned from the past 3 days that: (1) Focussing on eating (no distractions) allows me to enjoy the food more or quickly realize I didn't choose a 'pleaser'; (2) When I pay attention to my stomach sensations I can feel myself go from hungry to not hungry to satisfied to full and/or beyond full; (3) I can more easily let go or stop at satisfaction when I eat alone and focus on the food; (4) I want to choose 'whole body pleasers' more often than teasers or mere pleasers.

Rationalizing Snacks and High Fiber Diet Rules

This morning my longterm nemesis (irregularity) influenced my choice to snack on fruit while I prepared breakfast this morning. Actually I was 'irregular' yesterday and FEARED that pattern would continue today. So rather than let my body naturally return to its 'regular' pattern, I got scared and rationalized that I should eat some fruit (black grapes) and drink hot tea when I first got up to get things moving. However, standup snacking at the kitchen counter, while preparing my REAL breakfast (a bowl of oatmeal cooked in hazelnut milk with apples and almond butter), ONLY gave me low blood sugar symptoms, because I ate low fiber grapes (with no additional protein or fats) after a 13 hour overnight fast. I've officially decided that grapes are 'teasers', not whole body pleasers, because they taste good, but don't keep me unhungry for even a few minutes.

That whole prebreakfast snack experience, i.e. rationalizing eating whatever fruit (grapes) I could easily grab, reminded me (1) how often I used to rationalize bingeing when I was irregular and (2) how I have judged foods by their fiber level and fear eating low fiber meals will cause irregularity. I know from my recent experience with nutmeg that any allergy reactions or intestinal imbalances (from bacteria, fungus or parasites) more often causes irregularity than consuming a few low fiber foods. I know that meals containing a balance of high fiber, high protein and high fat foods are my whole body pleasers, which keep me unhungry for hours afterwards. However, just as normal eating can include teaser foods (taste good, leave you hungry) and pleaser foods (taste good, satisfy hunger), a 'healthy diet' can include low fiber foods that merely taste good. BTW I waited to eat breakfast after I got hungry an hour later. Then my irregularity disappeared after my 'regular' high fiber oatmeal breakfast.

My fears about irregularity seem rather irrational, until I recall my excruciatingly painful experience (10 years ago) with a botched outpatient hemorrhoid treatment, then 48 hours of unrelenting pain, as well as nausea and vomiting after taking only one of the prescribed pain pills, then inpatient 'complete hemorrhoidectomy' (surgical removal of all inner and outer hemorrhoids), followed by 8 weeks of bedrest recovery with 2 Demerol (narcotic) every 4 hours with an antiemetic to prevent me from throwing up the Demerol (which also lowered my already low blood pressure and made me feel faint) and laxatives. I've heard that recovery following hemorrhoid surgery is more painful than any other and I totally agree. So I obsessively fear that irregularity could cause more hemorrhoids. I can't take most laxatives, because I react badly (excruciating cramps) to sorbitol, senna and ingredients in most laxatives. Instead I take daily magnesium aspartate with potassium and try to include high fiber foods in each meal. Fortunately high fiber foods also satisfy my hunger and keep me unhungry longer, when combined with proteins and fats. However, the benefits of high fiber foods make me FEAR the effect of low fiber foods. Nevertheless, I've believe that I can eat low fiber foods in moderation (with other foods) without serious negative regularity problems, just as I can eat high sugar foods moderately with other foods without serious negative blood sugar consequences. If I consider high sugar and/or low fiber foods as tasty 'teasers' or occasional pleasers, I don't need to completely abstain from either of those kinds of foods.

Do You Want to Get Well?

I was so inspired by our minister's sermon at last night's service that I posted the following on the ThinWithin community board and wanted to also post this here:

Tonight our minister preached about John 5:1-19. As the story goes:

Some time later Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which ... is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here (many) disabled people used to lie ... One ... had been an invalid for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

"Sir", the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked."

That story seemed appropriate as we approach New Year's Day, when many people vow to change their bodies, their habits and their lives. However, many of those people resist the very changes they seek, which makes us wonder: "Do they really WANT to change (or get well)?"

Our minister said "Questions, not answers, are the key to change." We may get answers but still feel stuck, because we don't ask the right questions. Jesus asked the right question. Ironically the invalid's answer seemed to ignore Jesus's question. The invalid blamed his failure to recover on his circumstances, his lack of people to help him into the pool, and other disabled people crowding ahead of him. Although the man by the pool may have wanted to be well, maybe that change meant he would have new responsibilities, less help from friends than he had as an invalid. Maybe he feared that he really couldn't change.

The man by the pool saw only one solution to his problem, being the first person to dip into the pool when the waters were stirred. He didn't consider any other way to recover. Jesus broke into the man's closed reality and gave him greater imagination to see answers 'outside the box', when He said, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." However, change through Jesus often requires that we take the first step, like the invalid who had to risk standing up. We may have to risk trusting that God can satisfy us better than the internet (or food) when we are stressed. Following Jesus can mean asking more questions, rather than just clinging to one answer.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago whether I wanted to change my habits of bingeing and purging, I would have said, "Of course. That's a silly question." Yet as I clung to those habits, I realized I didn't have a mental disorder, but I used those habits to cope with some fears about food as well as gastrointestinal problems. I never really believed I was powerless over my disordered eating. I knew I chose to binge and then chose to purge afterwards. However, I couldn't see any other answers.

I believed that I would stop purging when I stopped bingeing. I eventually learned to abstain from purging after I overate, so that simple overeating didn't become a binge. Nevertheless, I still chose to binge an average of once a month. I wouldn't admit to other people that I believed bingeing and purging was the only way I could eat certain foods. However I feared my reaction to sweets. Eventually I learned I had an allergy to cane sugar, which caused tachycardia, which felt like a panic reaction. That certainly could have made me want to 'get rid of' whatever I ate before I got that reaction. Other food allergies caused painful gut cramps. Before I was diagnosed with those allergies, I thought purging would eliminate the gut pain I experienced after overeating. I didn't realize until after diagnosis, that even a tiny smidgeon of my allergen foods could cause weeks of pain. I didn't need to purge to control weight. I had been thin for many years. Nevertheless purging remained a necessary part of my binge episodes.

Even after I eliminated cane sugar and other food allergies, I still binged and purged on 'safe foods', especially after I restricted sweet (nonallergenic) foods for awhile. My pattern was: I'd try to eat sweets moderately. Then I would overeat a few times and feel guilty. So I would put the sweets away for awhile. However, if those sweet foods were still in the house, when I felt stressed or just deprived of anything else in my life, I'd binge on my stash of sweets. Then I'd go back to restricting. Did I want to change my binge/purge habit? Of course, but I didn't believe I had any other solutions, besides abstaining from my binge foods. Moderate consumption never 'seemed' to work.

So I worked on changing how I dealt with stress. I learned to cope with feelings, rather than distract or comfort myself with food. I also learned to cope with stress differently, by taking my concerns and frustrations, to God. I binged less often and had long periods of abstinence from my disordered eating habits. However, I still binge/purged an average once a month. Only when I began to ask myself "Do I want to become a normal eater?", rather than "How do I stop bingeing and purging?", did I begin to focus on eating only when hungry and stopping when satisfied, any food that I enjoyed (which included many of my former binge foods). I also suspended judgment when I didn't stop right at 'satisfaction' or 5. My goal was NOT to lose weight. I just wanted to eat as normally as I could with 7 food allergies, so that I wouldn't stress my body with binge/purge episodes.

So I experimented with the 'eat any foods your body wants' part of normal eating as much as I worked on 0-5 eating. After years of binge/purging certain sweet foods, I didn't really know whether my body wanted those or my mind wanted what I didn't let myself have. I needed to give those foods a fair trial with several nonjudgmental eating experiences, before I could understand whether those former binge foods were teasers, pleasers or whole body pleasers. During that process, I finally began to see my former binge foods as 'just foods', some great, some okay, and some worthless, according to how my body felt after nonjudgmentally eating those. I now suspect I binged because I wouldn't let myself eat some very desirable foods any other way and purged because I also believed those foods were 'bad' for my body. Changing the question helped me find a way to change those irratioinal beliefs which led to counterproductive behaviors.

If we keep returning to the eating habits we want to eliminate, if we don't see the results we want, if we keep slipping back into any undesirable habits, maybe we need to ask ourselves different questions. Maybe we need to consider different solutions. Do we want to get well?

Mealtime Self-Talk 12/28/08

For BREAKFAST I chose 1-1/2 buckwheat (with apple and walnut) pancakes, 1 strip of bacon and black grapes (5?). At first I heard myself saying: "I LOVE black grapes. These taste sooo good, but I'm eating too fast. I should slow down and try the pancakes." However I chose bacon next, as I recalled: "This bacon was soo satisfying last time I had it. Maybe I need the protein." My reaction to my first bite of the maple syrup soaked pancake (Is there any other way to eat pancakes?) was: "These are soooo sweet, more apple spice flavor than anything else. I can hardly taste the maple syrup. Next time I'll make blander, maybe banana, pancakes, so I can enjoy the syrup more." I didn't feel full, even after I finished the pancakes and bacon. I stopped eating grapes when I started eating pancakes, because those were sweeter than grapes. (I suspect some of my self-talk represented my fearful child and some came from my gracious parent voice.) However, I'm accustomed to feeling 'full', not just satisfied. So when I got up from the table, another more obvious conversation began between my fearful child (FC) and my gracious parent (GP) voices:

FC: I'm not satisfied. I need more. I feel unstable, like low blood sugar. Maybe I shouldn't eat syrup on pancakes for breakfast. Those can make me binge, you know.

GP: You did eat a little faster than usual, because you worried the pancakes would get cold. Maybe your body needs a little more time to register 'satisfied'.

FC: NOOOO! I need more ... more fats, more protein, more grapes ... I can't stand not feeling full. GIMMMEEE MORE FOOD!!!

GP: OK, if you really feel like you need a bit more fats and protein, how about a bit of nut butter or even a couple of salted nuts?

FC: I don't know. I think sweets are bad. Pancakes with syrup make me feel so unstable that I just know I'm going to binge. I'll start with salted nuts ...

GP: How about one half cashew and one half macadamia nut to see which you like better?

FC: (After eating 1/2 of 2 nuts) I feel fuller already. That's amazing. Maybe I feel too full now. I shouldn't have eaten so much.

GP: Each meal is another learning experience. Remember what you learned today.

I suspect my fearful child embodies all my food fears, guilt and shame about past binge/purge episodes. My gracious parent is like God telling me to focus only on the present moment, to observe how I feel after eating this food, right now, and forget any previous shameful experiences with overeating or even bingeing.

Before I post LUNCHTIME self-talk, I need to describe what happened before lunch. We left to walk around our local lake about 3 hours after I finished that 'iffy' breakfast. About 30 minutes in our walk I began to feel faint, light-headed, heavy limbs, my typical low blood sugar symptoms. Fortunately I brought a few peanuts in the shell for squirrels. So I at 3 little peanuts and hoped for the best. That did stop the shakiness, but I soon experienced obvious hunger. By the time I got to the kitchen to prepare lunch I wanted to grab some fruit to bring up my blood sugar. So I ate:

4-5 grapes, then a turkey sandwich with mayo, cranberry sauce and lettuce, 4 slices of a tiny apple, and a 2 spoonfuls of mocha almond fudge ice cream, while I heard my two self-talk voices saying:

FC (while preparing lunch): I'm STARVED, I need grapes NOW. GIMMMEEE!

GP: OK. Slow down. Save your hunger for what you really crave, that turkey sandwich.

Me (neutral voice): This apple slice tastes sooo good, but I want to enjoy the sandwich. OOOO!!! This sandwich tastes so good and feels sooo good in my tummy. (As I continued to eat the sandwich) Now I know what satisfaction is ... that point where I'm no longer desperately hungry, but the food still tastes good and all my senses are still keen enough to savor all the textures and tastes. No wonder I'm tempted to keep going past satisfaction. I keep thinking the food will continue to taste good, but it doesn't as I get more full. YUP, getting full now I've almost finished the sandwich. That will be just enough."

FC: But I STILL want something sweet. One more apple slice.

GP: Wait for your stomach to catch up and raise your blood sugar.

FC: NOOOOO! The apple wasn't enough. I want ice crean,

GP: OK. Use the tiny spoon and eat 2 bites very slowly.

FC: Look. It's too melted now. I'll have to finish this 1/4 cup of ice cream.

GP: Pour it back into the other container. You've had enough. You don't want to feel painfully full.

FC: (Feeling definitely full now) OK, You win.

I can see how letting myself get too hungry makes me desperate to cram anything into my mouth. I haven't felt faint like that for almost a year. I will think carefully about how I eat pancakes for breakfast (after fasting for 14 hours overnight). Maybe less syrup. Definitely less or no grapes before the meal. Maybe a higher fiber fruit, if I need fruit. Maybe more bacon. Or maybe just eat pancakes with syrup for dinner when I won't be burning so many calories while I sleep. I hate getting low blood sugar symptoms, but I don't need to overeat to prevent those. I just need to think about balanced foods at each meal (not too much carbs or too little fiber, fat and protein.)

1-1/2 hours after lunch when I ate 2-3 spoonfuls of mocha almond fudge ice cream, I got reflux again (3rd time after eating that ice cream). I decided I didn't really like what the ice cream did to my body (reflux). I also didn't like almonds in ice cream, too much mocha (caffeine which causes reflux) and too little fudge ribbon. So I threw the rest (1/2 cup) out and won't buy it again. Live and learn ...

For DINNER I prepared a salmon vegie salad with pineapple and sesame seeds. YUP, the same pineapple which was too sour for a sweet dessert was great on a vegie salad. I didn't have any huge battles between my 2 self-talk voices, but I thought as I ate: "I'm so glad to have a cooked vegie, easy to digest salad for dinner. I'm so tired of starchy sweets. Hmmm ... this dressing doesn't taste as good as I remember, so I'm glad I added the pineapple which makes it sweeter. I'm getting full but not really satisfied. I need a bit more sweet food. One medjool date would be just enough ... Who need's candy when I can eat super sweet dates? Now I'm full AND satisfied."

Mealtime Self-Talk 12/27/08

SATURDAY LUNCH:
I ate lunch at a theater while watching "Seven Pounds" (an inspiring movie with a very sad ending). I packed for lunch a peanut butter and peach wrap (in 1/2 brown rice tortilla) and 5 apple slices (about 1/2 apple). My first reaction was: "This Braeburn apple (slice) tastes sooo good. I want to slowly savor every bite." Then I bit the peanut butter and peach wrap and noticed: "The tortilla is a little dry. Maybe I kept it unthawed in the fridge too long. I'm glad the peach is very juicy. The peanut butter is very satisfying. I love how peanut butter, fruit and bread (or tortillas) always make my stomach feel good." As I finished eating lunch, I thought, "I feel just right, not uncomfortably full." I didn't feel hungry enough to eat another meal until 5 hours after lunch.

SATURDAY DINNER:
I chose for dinner a serving (1-1/2 cups) of homemade (frozen and reheated) turkey vegie soup (from our Thanksgiving turkey and LOTS of vegies) and a small piece of gingerbread man cooky (about 1/3). I first ate the broth and thought: "Broth is sooo soothing for my tummy when I'm hungry. When I started to eat the turkey and vegies, I thought: "This is exactly what I needed tonight, no too heavy, but warm and soothing." Then I said to myself (maybe I should call this inner voice 'greed'?): This doesn't look like enough to totally satisfy my hunger. I'm glad I brought that piece of cooky. Oh, and I can also eat a slice of that fresh pineapple which (my husband) chose for his dessert." The another voice (maybe the grateful, saner part of me) said: "Let's just enjoy this soup and see whether it satisfies you." As I ate I noticed: "This soup will be enough. I'm almost full, but I also planned to have that small piece of cooky. Maybe I still have room." Then I remembered the pineapple (was this my 'greedy' voice?) and thought: "I should at least try a bite of the pineapple. Maybe that will taste good, too." However, the first bite of a pineapple spear was rather sour, which I told my husband. He said, "Try a bite off the other end, because that's sweeter." I thought, "Well, it's just a bite, even if I am already full." I noticed "Yes, this is sweeter, but I STILL want my cooky." As I ate about 3 bites (all) of that cooky piece, I realized, "This is what I craved to 'go with' the soup. I wish I hadn't wasted my appetite on pineapple, but I know I didn't have any appetite left when I had the second bite of pineapple. Now I don't feel very well. My stomach is rather acidic. Pineapple is great as dessert after fatty meats or fish, when I need a digestive boost from bromelain in pineapple, but I just didn't need that with bland turkey soup. The pineapple was a 'teaser' in that situation, but the soup and cooky were 'pleasers'."

I observed during dinner 2 different kinds of self talk. One seemed like a 'greedy' voice which initially wanted more than soup and a cooky and later wanted a bite of pineapple, which my body didn't crave, but which my eyes convinced me to 'just try'. The other more gracious voice didn't judge the greedy voice's comments, but suggested I 'eat and see whether the soup satisfied' me. The greedy voice wanted pineapple after I felt satisfied. The gracious voice reminded me that pineapple would feel better after a higher fat meat meal. So I could enjoy pineapple another time, even though it didn't feel good tonight.

I seem to have 2 different self-talk voices: one is the voice of irrational, rebellious greed and the other is the voice of reasonable, gracious gratitude. The greedy voice reminded me of a rebellious, irrational child, while the gracious voice sounded like a loving parent. The gracious voice sounded like 'gratitude' or the voice that is grateful to have 'just enough' rather than always wanting 'more' than my body needs. Maybe in future posts, I'll label the different kinds of self-talk 'greed' and 'gratitude' and describe my mealtime self-talk as a conversation between the 2 voices. Before listening to and describing my mealtime self-talk, I thought I only had one voice which urged me to overeat. After describing what I heard, I realize I DO have a voice of reason guiding my choices of what and how much to eat. Maybe that's the Holy Spirit within me, guiding me to honor and cherish my body with loving, grateful eating choices, rather than greedy, rebellious eating choices. I intend, when I prepare my meal, to listen more carefully to the grateful voice which considers how little I need to feel satisfied, rather than the greedy voice which considers how much I can eat (stuff into my mouth?) before I feel uncomfortably full.

Self-Talk While Eating

Yesterday I posted about changing behaviors in order to challenge and change unhelpful beliefs. According to Karen Koenig (author of 'Rules of Normal Eating') and many others who use rational emotive therapy, our beliefs influence our emotions which in turn influence our behaviors. So changing beliefs helps us to change behaviors. However, I decided this year to risk changing some behaviors to disprove my beliefs about certain foods, i.e., whether I could moderately eat sweet foods which I previously consumed during binges. Of course, the real proof of belief change will come after the holidays when I'm alone with leftover goodies. LOL Nevertheless, I want to clarify that learning to eat any 'safe' (nonallergenic) foods is part of my desire to become a normal eater. According to Karen's "Rules" book, normal eaters:

(1) Eat when they are hungry or have a craving;
(2) Choose foods they believe will satisfy them;
(3) Stay connected to their bodies and eat with awareness and enjoyment;
(4) Stop eating when they are full or satisfied.

So I intend with my holiday 'experiment' of eating sweet foods I crave and enjoy, to determine whether those foods actually satisfy my body (pleasers), or are just tasty, but unsatisfying foods (teasers). In order to carry out that experiment I also need to follow (3) '... eat with AWARENESS and enjoyment;'

I have most difficulty with (4) 'stop eating when ... full or satisfied', most likely because I do NOT always 'eat with awareness'. This morning I tried following Karen's suggestions about how to implement '(4) Stop eating when ... full or satified', but observed that I resisted and heard myself repeating some old counterproductive beliefs like "I'll get hungry too soon if I stop now" or "One bite won't make much difference" (after I asked myself how the next bite would make me feel) or "I served myself less so I can eat all of this no matter how full I feel".

In order to challenge and change beliefs which hinder my attempts to eat normally, I need to LISTEN to my self talk and hear what I say to myself, (1) when I feel hungry or crave a specific food; (2) when I choose what to eat; (3) while I'm eating (hopefully WITHOUT distractions); and (4) when I begin to feel satisfied or full. So during the next few days, I will try to nonjudgmentally listen to my self talk during those 4 times. I'll post more later about what I heard myself saying and try to learn from what I hear. Maybe I can replace any counterproductive beliefs with facts or at least more rational beliefs.

Holiday Sweets and That Next Bite

I have a history of post holiday binges. I suspect I binge after my husband returns to work and I'm alone with holiday sweet treats, because I don't enjoy them enough during the holidays. Actually I have a history of bingeing on sweet foods. So I both crave them and fear I will overeat them. I don't have much history of eating sweets moderately. So I can't easily convince myself that I CAN eat sweets moderately. Since beliefs affect behavior, I often repeat history and binge on sweet holiday treats, which I either entirely avoided or only ate in moderation in the presence of other people during the holidays.

During some previous years I chose to completely abstain from sweet holiday foods (cookies, fruitcake, ice cream, candy, etc.), because I thought I wouldn't miss them if I just didn't eat them. I believed one taste would just make me crave more and more. I ignored the fact that I HAD eaten most of those foods or similar foods previously and I had NOT forgotten how they tasted and how much I enjoyed those tastes. Nevertheless, I felt self-disciplined and healthier, while I abstained from sugary treats.

After I learned I had a cane sugar allergy (which explained the rapid heartbeat I experienced after eating sugary treats), I believed I had previously binged on cane sugar containing foods because my tachycardia reaction made me keep eating to try to calm myself down. Thus I thought my binges were allergy related. I decided foods from any other 'safe' sweetners (honey, agave, maple syrup, etc.) would not influenced my binges ... UNTIL I started bingeing on the 'safe' sweet treats. Perhaps my history with bingeing on cookies or ice cream prevented me from REALLY believing that I could moderately eat cookies or ice cream with 'safe' (non allergenic) ingredients.

Nevertheless, during Christmas seasons after allergy diagnoses, I eliminated sources of each food allergen (first year: gluten and dairy, next year: soy, next year: cane sugar and eggs and last year: vanilla and nutmeg). So I thought I could moderately eat holiday treats prepared with safe, nonallergic ingredients. In fact I DID eat small amounts of those treats in the presence of other people at meals. I feared eating those foods when I was alone, as a snack, or even a taste while preparing them (like cooky dough). I really didn't trust myself. I still believed I would binge on those foods, if I were not very, very careful and eat them within certain boundaries. With those beliefs, I usually binged after the holidays when I was alone in the house with sweet treats, which I had eaten in moderate amounts during the holidays.

Furthermore, I developed even more good/bad food beliefs about sweets when my naturopath suspected I might have candida. The candida treatment diet recommends the patient abstain from all sources of sugar (even fruits), except stevia, and strictly limit grains. Since I really didn't trust myself around sweets, I jumped at the chance to restrict sweets, even before I got results from my candida test (which was normal on 3 subsequent tests). The last test (a DNA bacteria/fungus/parasite test) indicated that I had enough Candida to cause problems and treat, as well as a bad parasite. After my doc treated the parasite, he started me on a 2 month regimen of Nystatin to kill the candida fungus. When I previously followed the candida diet, I still ate eggs, before that allergy was diagnosed. When I received the last test results I already had 7 food category restrictions. So I decided I'd limit sugar, but continue eating fruits, while I treated the Nystatin. After 3 months of Nystatin (which had uncomfortable side effects), I decided that was enough to get rid of Candida. I also didn't want any more (unnecessary) restrictions. I realized unnecessary 'good/bad food' or 'diet mentality' restrictions influenced my regular (about once a month) binges.

Sooo this Christmas I focussed on normally eating anything I wanted or craved. Normal for me means I wait until I'm hungry to eat; I eat foods which (l) I enjoy, (2) feel good in my body during and after eating, and (3) keep me 'unhungry' for long periods; and I stop when I'm satisfied or comfortably 'full'. Karen Koenig in "Rules of Normal Eating" differentiates 'satisfied' as an emotional sensation and 'full' as more of a physical sensation; whereas, ThinWithin differentiates satisfied as 'just enough' or not hungry, not full and 'full' is more than satisfied, beginning to feel uncomfortable. After attempting to eat to the point of not hungry, not full at most meals, I noticed I ate until I felt 'full' and satisfied at least once a day, usually when I was VERY hungry when I started eating.

This year I wanted to once and for all learn to view holiday treats as 'just food', not 'bad' or unhealthy foods. I can certainly create 'healthy' cookies from allergen free sources. However, if I believe those cookies are 'bad' because I should be eating foods with higher fiber or more nutrition or less sweets, I can set myself up for 'famine then feast' post holiday binges. I know that if I don't eat certain foods regularly, I tend to overeat them, if I really enjoy them, the first time I eat them after a long period of not eating them. Maybe I don't believe I can eat them again anytime I want them. Maybe my past history of bingeing on certain foods and then restricting myself makes me feel like every opportunity to eat those foods is my 'last chance'. So I also decided this year that I wouldn't 'guilt' myself if I overate certain holiday foods that I haven't eaten for a long time. I'm not overweight; I'm not worried about gaining a few pounds during the holidays. However, I also got a lot of additional daily exercise trudging through snow and ice to 'walk' errands during the past 10 days. So I haven't gained anything yet.

With my goal of 'normal eating' any foods I craved, I ate either of 2 kinds of ice cream for dessert after dinner and/or lunches, I baked and ate cookies at lunches, I had a few salted nuts at the beginning of one lunch (but decided I eat some kind of nut butter every morning, so salted nuts aren't a 'treat'), I made and ate apple walnut buckwheat pancakes with maple syrup for Christmas Eve dinner, I baked and ate cranberry bread with almond butter and cranberry relish for Christmas morning breakfast. I ate most of those sweet foods moderately, but I also overate the first time I had a few of those (like the mocha almond fudge ice cream and the pancakes.) Nevertheless, I reminded myself that I needed to eat those foods at least a few more times to convince myself that I didn't need to overeat, because I could have those foods regularly.

I had craved pancakes with syrup for over a year, while occasionally bingeing on syrup soaked bread, because I didn't want to make a whole batch of pancakes. My first impression of those apple/walnut/buckwheat pancakes soaked in maple syrup was "These are awfully sweet. I don't know why I craved this for so many months. What's the big deal?" Then I thought, "OK, I'll eat them one more time, eat more slowly and really decide whether those pancakes are 'pleasers, teasers or whole body pleasers'". (Pleasers taste good and really satisfy hunger; teasers taste good but don't feel as good as they taste; total body pleasers taste good, feel good in your body and keep you unhungry for long periods.)

Then I realized I needed several 'normal eating' experiences with previous binge foods or sweet foods which I seldom ate, just to allow myself to decide whether I really enjoyed and felt good after eating those (pleasers) or whether I craved those foods, because they tasted good, but didn't really like how they made my body feel. I needed to eat those foods consciously but mostly without judgment, just to give them a 'fair trial' before I decided whther they were true 'pleasers' or just 'teasers'. Above all, I needed to replace my memories of binge eating certain foods with memories of normally eating those foods. If memories of binges influenced my fears that I would always binge on certain foods, then memories of normally eating those foods could challenge or even replace my fears with more rational beliefs about my ability to eat those in moderation.

As mentioned, I've recently overeaten (to the point of full or beginning to feel discomfort) some of those holiday sweet foods. I suspect I would have felt just right if I would have eaten less of the dinner, before I ate the holiday sweets as dessert. Nevertheless, I ended up feeling uncomfortably full after eating the sweets, which made me decide to (1) save room for dessert, especially when I try a new holiday treat food or (2) serve myself a much smaller portion of the dessert food, so that I would remember that food as a physically comforting 'pleaser', rather than a 'teaser' which made me feel worse, merely because I overate it.

Sometime during this process, perhaps as answered prayer, I distinctly heard the words "Will the next bite make you feel better or worse?" I have long struggled to stop eating at satisfaction or comfortably full. I usually succeed at 2-3 meals daily, especially when I eat familiar foods which I know how much I need to feel comfortably satisfied or full. However, with new foods or long avoided sweet treats, I don't know how much I need to feel satisfied. I need a 'mantra' to help me stop eating at satisfied. I don't have the spectre of overweight to help me check my eating. When I overeat, I simply don't want to eat until I feel hungry again or I eat much less at the next meal, because the memory of being uncomfortably full from the previous meal makes me eat less at the next meal. So I don't gain weight from overeating at 1 or sometimes meals daily.

However, eating to the point of discomfort affects my memory of whatever I eat. I tend to conclude that the food made me feel uncomfortable and therefore I shouldn't eat it again. Nevertheless I still remember how much I enjoyed the taste. So I have this inner push/pull between my beliefs about how the food 'made me feel' and how the food tasted, UNTIL I can eat just enough of the food or just enough of a meal which includes that food, so that I can objectively decide whether the food made me feel uncomfortable or the WAY I ate the food (or the amount I ate) made me feel uncomfortable. I suspect some of my beliefs about 'binge foods' were influenced by how I felt after eating the food. I know that other beliefs were influenced by physical reactions to allergen foods.

I eat in order to feel better, to relieve discomfort of hunger, as well as to enjoy the taste and textures of food. I DON'T want to make myself feel worse. I experienced enough feeling worse after meals, because of previously undiagnosed allergy reactions, to last for the rest of my life. I want to leave the table comfortable. I know I recognize satisfaction and 'beginning to feel full, but not uncomfortably full.' I sense that point at almost every meal. So I commit to ask myself, when I sense that 'enough' point, "Will the next bite make me feel better or worse?" to slow down and consciously choose how to proceed.

Nutmeg and Kneecaps

Another week passed since my last post. I've been recovering from exposure to nutmeg, one of my 7 food allergies. Last Thursday evening I attended a neighbor's open house. When she offered me hot cider, I inquired whether that contained cane sugar. So she showed me the ingredients listed on the container, which didn't include cane sugar or any of my other allergies. So I thought the cider was safe. After a few sips of the cider, I told my neighbor that I had to avoid any amount of my food allergies, which I named. Then she told me that she had ADDED NUTMEG to the cider. Of course, I didn't drink any more and hoped for the best.

No such luck ... Within an hour I had right lower abdominal cramps which spread by the next morning to the middle of my abdomen. For the next 4 days I had constant cramping pains, bloating, excessive gas and more irregularity, enough to exacerbate hemorrhoids. I guess I learned the hard way to name ALL of my allergies when I'm inquiring about ingredients in beverages or foods. I wonder why my neighbor didn't mention she added nutmeg when I scanned the ingredient list for allergens?? SIGH Fortunately I seemed to have recovered after 5 days of painful symptoms ... just in time to slip and fall on solid ice during a walk today. Just what I needed ... COUNTERPAIN! LOL

Actually getting up and continuing to walk in the very cold (low 30s) weather kept my knee from getting stiff and swollen. I may need to sit with ice packs (or snow in baggies) while I eat dinner. But I don't think I cracked my kneecap or any other bones. I have very strong bones, despite refusing to consume dairy products (one of my allergies) or take calcium supplements and being thin most of my life. From what I've read, magnesium (which I take in massive doses for regularity) and Vitamin D are more important for bone health. I'm lucky I didn't break bones in previous falls, before I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (which impairs calcium absorption in the intestines) and hypochloridia (which impairs calcium absorption in the stomach). Although I don't take calcium or consume dairy I daily eat other good sources of calcium (canned salmon or sardines with bones, sesame seeds and/or tahini, and green vegies like brocolli or kale). So I suspect all that keeps my bones strong. I really was surprised that I could walk after slapping my kneecap on ice. That reminds me of all the times I fell when I ice skated and never broke anything.

Nevertheless I've had enough snow (over a week now) and impassable roads. Neither I nor my husband (who drove on ice and snow in Colorado) have ventured out in the ice and snow this past week. Seattle drivers don't know how to drive on snow. The city has only a few snow plow trucks, because we rarely get snow. So many streets are unplowed, unsanded and hazardous. Many accidents have occurred daily during this snowy period. I don't care whether we have a white Christmas. I'm dreaming of a typical Seattle WET Christmas with no more snow. Maybe we should spend next December in Maui. Where's this global warming? Certainly not during December in Seattle or most of the rest of the country.

Sabotaging My Best Intentions?

Shortly after I participated in a ThinWithin 4 Life discussion about whether gluttony influences overeating, I discovered 2 separate articles about how we can sabotage our own best intentions to change habits, whether those be eating habits, health habits or any behaviors.

The first article entitled "Setting Intentions" was a post by Karen Koenig (author of "Food and Feelings Workbook") in her blog "Normal Eating". In that post she described how to identify what we want to do (our intentions) and then how we might react when we say that intention out loud. She then explained how to deal with those voices which can sabotage our intentions:

"Is there a voice in your head laughing at you, insisting you’ll never succeed, or admonishing that you’re prideful in wishing for such an unattainable goal? Try to understand where these voices come from, then silence them. They’re protecting you from disappointment, hurt, or wounding from the past. At one point in your life they were helpful and adaptive, but no longer. Next, write down your intention and again notice and analyze your reaction. Keep repeating and writing your intention until the negative messages stop.

Intentions aren’t negotiable. They’re goals set in the cognitive part of your brain to enhance your life. Don’t get derailed by feelings about your intentions. In fact, for once, forget emotions. They don’t belong in the equation. Once you’ve already made a decision, your emotions have no place in turning it into action. Avoid debating with yourself. Don’t allow discussion to begin because, when you do, your intentions will get lost in the shuffle and it’s more than likely that your heart will over-rule your head.

What if you’re in the moment and totally forget that you had an intention to say, stop agreeing to do things that aren’t in your self-interest? Well, you have to back track and think about whether you really want to have that intention. If it’s healthy for you, then redouble your efforts and next time someone asks something inappropriate of you, say no. Now hear this: If you continually “forget” about or don’t follow through with an intention, it means you have an equally strong (hidden) intention that’s getting in the way. In the case of saying no and speaking up, maybe the unconscious intention is to never have people angry at you. If so, you have to undo the unresolved, underlying conflict before you can succeed at putting your intention into consistent action."

On the same day I read an article in the January 2009 OPRAH magazine entitled "You Don't Need More Willpower". The author (Holly Brubach) reported on the work of 2 Harvard educators who "argue that our best-laid plans often fall through for smart, self-protective (and ingeniously hidden) reasons." They say "Our flat-out failure to bring about the change we desire is not for lack of good intentions ... While we beat ouirselves up over our lack of willpower ... our dark side that wins out time and again ... those change-resistant behaviors have a very good reason for being ... What you see as demonic is actualy in some ways a very tender expression, a protection of something you feel vulnerable about ... The behavior you're trying to extinguish is just the tip of the iceberg ... And until you get below the waterline, you can't see why this behvaior is brilliant. What lies underneath the surface is anxiety which (is) the most private emotion in public life."

The 2 educators "see anxiety as our brain's background noise, revving up when we're confronted with something new, unfamiliar, or threatening, and operating most of the time at such a low volume that we don't even hear it ... We don't think of ourselves as continually fearful, because we've figured out how to manage this undercurrent of anxiety." In order to illustrate how our background 'anxiety' noise operates they describe the following exercise to help us see how we sabotage our intentions with fears about what might happen if we carry out our intentions. Here's their exercise "What's Holding You Back?":

"1a) CHOOSE THE RIGHT GOAL. Our goals are often disguised as chronic complaints--basically your biggest gripes complain information about what you most want. Start with what's bothered you most this year.

(1b) Now think about how you might turn that general dissatisfaction into a specific goal and write out that goal.

(2) ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PART IN THE PROBLEM. List what you do that works against this goal. Ask yourself "WHAT AM I DOING (OR NOT DOING) TO UNDERMINE MY PROGRESS? Be as honest and precise as possible--and avoid self-flagellation.

(3a) DISCOVER YOUR COMPETING COMMITMENTS. Ask yourself: WHAT FEARS COME UP WHEN I THINK ABOUT DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WROTE IN (2)? Someone whose goal is to lose weight, but who knows she ignores portion sizes, might realize that she's most worried about turning into a calorie-counting control freak.

(3b) Consider how your current behavior (in part 2) reflects your determination to keep what you fear most from happening. Competing commitments are often rooted in secret anxieties. In the case of weight loss goal, the woman might write "I want to be fit" vs. "I don't want to become totally neurotic." Then explain how you've used competing commitments to manage your life or emotions.

(4a) IDENTIFY YOUR UNDERLYING ASSUMPTIONS: Start by looking at the secret fears you wrote in (3a). These are driven by assumptions you've made (e.g. anyone who monitors protioins MUST be controlling) To unearth your hidden beliefs, answer the following questions: What have you convinced yourself will happen if you overcome your bad habit? Is this true?

(4b) Identifying the thoughts that sustain our immmunity to change is important, but insight alone will not result in lasting change. Most of us operate as if our assumptions are facts. Write ways that you can test whether your beliefs are true, starting with smaller experiments."

Although the 'Willpower' article offers a specific exercise to identify and challenge competing commitments or anxieties that sabotage our intentions, Karen Koenig's blog entry also addresses the same phenomena. This process of identifying underlying beliefs which hold us back is also described by the authors of the "ThinWithin" book which I'm studying in the "ThinWithin 4 Life" facebook group. I seem to be getting this message about how I sabotage my best intentions from all directions. I did that "What's Holding You Back?" exercise last night, but I suspect I need to reconsider my answers for 2 separate goals which now seem to overlap as competing intentions. I need to 'unearth (my) hidden beliefs' and list ways to test the assumptions which create my secret anxieties. I MAY share more in a later post.

Busy December Week

I haven't posted here for a week, while I've been busy with Christmas season activities. First, I began Christmas cards. Then I asked my husband to bring up the boxes of decorations. We only put up a small tabletop tree, but we decorate the living room, dining room, family room and kitchen with all kinds of candles and Christmas momentos. Much of that follows a penguin theme. Our tree has penguin lights and penguin ornaments. We have several penguins which sing Christmas carols or songs. We didn't intend to decorate around a penguin theme. Over the years we just acquired more penguins, who invaded our Christmas decorations. I usually get stressed putting out all those decorations. My husband has a few decorating tasks, but I prefer to do the rest. I suspect the stress comes from believing I have to accomplish the task all in one evening or one day.

This year we simplified Christmas customs by only buying one another one big ($$$) gift. My husband bought me a new sewing machine maybe after hearing me scream at my old one too often. After taking my old machine for maintenance and learning the company no longer manufactures the necessary replacement part, but would substitute a comparable part, I considered getting a new machine and looked at several models. One had a built-in feature for which I had to use a special, difficult to attach foot on my old machine. That feature alone would eliminate much of my frustration. My husband volunteered to buy that new machine for me as a Christmas present, when I couldn't decide whether I wanted to buy it for myself, because I anticipated buying presents for my husband. After test-driving that machine, I fell in love with its features and ease of operation. So I agreed that my husband could buy me the machine, if he would let me buy a big gift for him, like maybe a new bicycle. His current bike is a 1970s Schwinn which accumulated many miles of riding over the years. After looking at new bikes and not finding exactly what he wanted (his old bike in new condition), he decided to take his old bike to a local recreational equipment store which could completely overhaul his bike. So I bought the bike overhaul as my Christmas gift to him. Thus, we eliminated hours of wondering what to buy one another, hours of shopping and hours of wrapping gifts.

Likewise we discussed not decorating the house, and procrastinated the decision and decorating for a few days. We had already purchased two lighted penguins (about 2 feet high) which we placed on either side of our front door. I suspect those penguins started the whole decorating discussion this year. We saw those in the window of a 'Stupid Prices' (very cheap store) and talked the manager into selling us his window decorations for a ridiculously low price. I LOVE walking home carrying a life sized (for a King penguin) penguin decoration. Many people stopped to comment about our penguins. Even if we had no presents under our tree, I realized I would miss the decorations. Those decorations include many candles which we light during meals and during advent evenings. So I asked my husband to bring up the dozen large boxes of decorations. However, I decided to finish and mail my Christmas cards before opening those boxes.

2 days later, I slowly started putting out decorations. First, I had to make space for those by removing clutter and moving things around. When I looked at those dozen boxes, I could easily feel overwhelmed. So I reminded myself how much I loved seeing our house decorated and that I could do as little or as much as I wanted each day. I didn't put myself on a deadline or feel rushed. I just opened one box at a time and found places for everything. Then my husband assembled the tree, decorations and lights. He also hung lights on our front porch. I felt amazed that my decorating experience was so stress-free this year. Then I recalled that the ThinWithin book study is teaching me to stay in the present moment, seek God's guidance and take one day at a time, or sometimes one moment at a time.

Now we have time to just enjoy advent rather than scurry around doing Christmas shopping. My husband's extended family opted to not exchange gifts this year. We had already sent something to my brother. In that same spirit of just savoring advent, I have limited myself to 2-3 small tasks daily, besides self-care stuff like meals, exercise, prayer journalling, my TW 4 Life study, etc. I could (and 'should' if I want to 'should' on myself) do sooo much more, but for now I want to just take one day at a time. I have a list of tasks I would like to accomplish during December. Every day I tackle 2-3 of those tasks as I feel motivated. Obviously this blog didn't make my list. LOL

I initially began this blog to journal my physical recovery from gastrointestinal symptoms. I have noticed infintessimal improvements day by day. I can't explain those improvements. I'm not doing anything different, except focussing on 0-5 eating, daily and sometimes moment by moment prayer to take my frustrations and fears to God, rather than obsessing over what could destroy the peace I feel this month.

Yesterday I felt very worried about driving to a musical (for which we have season tickets). After a day of heavy rain and strong winds, the weathermen forcasted even stronger winds and heavier rain turning to snow after dark, which could mean traffic tie ups and accidents going to and coming home from the musical. So I just prayed all day for safety on that journal. Amazingly the winds died down and the rain was very light during our journeys to and from. The musical ('7 Brides for 7 Brothers') had EVERYTHING I love about musicals, humor, romance, great songs and fantastic dancing (including some ballet). I'm so glad we didn't let extreme weather forecasts keep us from attending.

I can only attribute my improvements in gastrointestinal motility to 'peace which passes all understanding'. I could feel stressed about 2 different decisions I currently face: (1) whether to agree to alter clothing for a local women's shelter; and/or (2) whether to lead an online ThinWithin workbook study group. Right now I don't want to do either, although both possibilities seemed exciting, when I first volunteered (1) and/or was asked (2). I don't want to take on anything that I don't feel God leading me to do. So I'm currently praying about those possibilities, waiting for clarity. Some days I lean toward alterations. On other days I lean toward leading a group. However, today I don't want to do either. I love not taking on anything else right now, while my focus is on healing my body and improving my relationship with God.

Stop Eating When Satisfied

Ever since I learned ThinWithin eating guidelines, I have struggled with the last 'key to conscious eating', 'stop eating when your body is satisfied'. During the years I struggled with undiagnosed food allergies and other gut ailments, I regularly went from painfully hungry to painfully full. I ate from pain to pain, rather than moderate hunger to 'comfortably' full. I had no idea what comfortable eating was. I hurt after every meal. During the past 4 years as I learned to abstain from food allergens, treated several gastrointestinal problems and added betaine hydrochloride to assist digestion, I began to occasionally feel BETTER after eating, rather than worse. Most of the time I felt too full, because I never learned to acknowledge and stop eating when I felt 'satisfied', rather than full.

After my recent experience with nausea, vomiting and reflux, I cautiously ate only as much as I needed to stop the hunger. So I got a sense of 'enough' and actually experienced 'satisfaction' when I ate really satisfying food. Now I'm doing better with digestion, but getting more lax with food choices. I don't always eat the most satisfying food on my plate first. I fill up with less satisfying foods. So I often feel 'cheated' when I finally get to the really satisfying food which I initially craved, enjoy only a few bites and then begin to feel full. I need to pay more attention to the whole notion of 'satisfaction', if I want to stop eating when I'm satisfied, rather than uncomfortably full.

Fortunately I found the following post by moderator Karen Koenig (author of 'Rules of Normal Eating') on the 'Food & Feelings' board. She explained what 'satisfied' feels like so well that I wanted to quote her description here:

"Satisfaction is a felt sense of having had enough pleasure, a marker that your attention is ready to be pulled in another direction, a signal that eating is as good as it's going to get for the moment. After that it's pretty much all down hill in terms of enjoyment. Satisfaction has to do with taste and texture, the reaction your appetite has to quality, whereas fullness is your response to quantity.

Most of the information your body has on satisfaction derives from taste and that comes from chewing food slowly and allowing it to sit on your tongue so your taste buds can give "enough now" signals to your brain. That's the problem with unconscious or fast eating--your tongue doesn't get to do its job. Oh, and you have to be looking for satisfaction to find it, at least until the behavior becomes automatic."

So satisfaction is more than a level of physiological 'fullness'. Satisfaction involves a food's taste and texture, as well as timing. I really like Karen's idea that satisfaction means "eating is as good as it's going to get for the moment. After that it's pretty much all down hill in terms of enjoyment."

I can't count how many times I have continued to eat after hunger disappears, because I want to keep enjoying a delicious taste. I ignore the fact that my taste sensations are sharpest when I'm hungry. After my hunger is satisfied, the food doesn't taste as good. Sometimes I keep taking bites, hoping to find one more tasty morsel, as I forget that food won't taste as good after satisfaction. At other times I stop eating when the food stops tasting good, but I get up and go for a few bites of a really sweet tasting dessert. However, those few bites can take me from comfortable to uncomfortably full.

Somewhere I got the idea that I don't want to stop eating until I hit that peak of satisfaction. Yet when I hit the peak before I feel full, I try to see how much more I can eat before I feel uncomfortable, rather than appreciate how little I need of a really satisfying food to feel 'satisfied'. Rather than ask myself how little do I need, rather than how much can I get away with, I still have a notion of 'entitlement' when it comes to eating. I mean I don't snack between meals. I wait for physiological hunger before eating. So I believe I DESERVE to eat what I serve myself, especially if it's really tasty, no matter how full I feel. Obviously that belief encourages me to eat 'satisfied' to the point of 'uncomfortably full' which I suffer for several hours afterwards.

Nevertheless, I know I more often feel satisfied AND ready to stop eating, when I eat without distractions. When I don't read, watch tv, talk on the phone or have emotionally charged conversations at a meal I feel READY to stop eating when I stop feeling hungry. When I have been fully present, totally aware of the whole eating process and every taste and texture of food, I don't feel cheated when my body says 'enough'. If I eat first the food I most enjoy, I can also easily let go (throw away or wrap up for later) whatever food remains on my plate when I feel satisfied. So for me, sensing and stopping at satisfaction requires: (1) satisfying food (duuuhhh!); (2) total focus on eating; and (3) slow enough eating pace to allow my body to tell my mind that it no longer needs food.

Observe & Correct vs. Obsess & Condemn

After initially learning ThinWithin’s eating guidelines described in the first 2 chapters of the TW book, the concepts in chapter (Day) 4 helped me keep returning to those guidelines during the past 3 years, even after I overate or even binged and/or purged. Day 4 explains explicitly how to benefit from God’s grace even when we feel least deserving of that grace. This is what Day 4 told me:

Despite God’s loving guidance, we stray from His path. Despite learning TW’s simple plan for eating, we may begin eating before we feel hunger or ignore satisfaction and continue eating. So this chapter explains TW’s powerful tool for getting us back on track: OBSERVATION AND CORRECTION. Grace reassures us that God won’t punish us for our sins, when we confess and repent, because Jesus already paid the redemption price. Likewise, observe and correct means we don’t have to punish ourselves, because we can merely acknowledge our errors, accept god’s forgiveness and correct our behaviors.

Here’s how I understand the Observe & Correct process:

• At any time, we can choose to consider behaviors, beliefs and attitudes that don’t work for us;
• We resist condemning ourselves to OBJECTIVE LY observe behaviors;
• We identify what we can do to avoid the same behaviors in the future. Then we change those behaviors to ‘correct’ now. Many people want to do something now in order to undo a mistake. However the Greek word for repent (‘metanoi’) means ‘change one’s mind’. So we ‘correct’ by changing our minds or the BELIEFS that led us to overeat or start eating before we felt true physiological hunger.

This chapter introduces the “CANOPY OF GOD’S GRACE’, which means that our mistakes are ‘covered by God’s grace’, because we can observe our sins and seek His guidance to correct mistakes. He knows we are flawed, so He provided grace to resolve our tendency to stray. Once we honestly admit that we choose to over eat (rather than saying ‘it just happens’), we may experience shame. However accepting God’s forgiveness and applying his forgiveness to ourselves helps us lose the shame.

On the path of God’s provision we may go 2 steps back and one step forward, but ‘going forward’ even with detours or slips along the way is STILL progress. In the Observe and Correct process the Holy Spirit works on our heart and minds, rather than giving rigid laws. He convicts us of our sin by bringing sin to our awareness through the feeling of guilt and helps us discern proper corrections.

In order to begin using ‘observe & correct’, we may need to observe and correct how we previously reacted to our eating habits. Previously, we may have reacted to guilt about eating with either shame or denial, which brought more overeating, which brought more shame, continuing the whole overeating cycle. Rather than using ‘observe & correct’ we may have (1) obsessed (about our eating) and condemned ourselves as a hopeless sinner; (2) ranted and raved, often blaming someone else for our eating habits; or even (3) denied that our habits are even problematic.

This chapter uses the metaphor of a pendulum swing from ‘legalism’ to ‘license’ to describe how we react to eating mistakes using the ‘obsess and condemn’ approach. Instead of changing our eating habits to avoid repeating the same behavior, we may either (1) give up (or start over with a different diet) or (2) try even harder with more rigid dieting rules. The ‘legalist’ swing of the pendulum is the ‘try harder’ approach, which makes us view almost any mistakes as ‘failure’, and leads us in the other direction of ‘license’, where we give up and often wallow in self-pity and sinful behavior until we swing the other direction into ‘try harder’ perhaps with more rigid diet rules.

In order to escape the pendulum swing and return to God’s path of grace, we need to allow ourselves to observe and correct, even when we don’t like what we see. We need to ask ourselves ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen if we honestly admit our behavior?’ We can’t live long in denial of eating problems, because our bodies soon show evidence of over- or under-eating. It’s difficult to choose God’s path of observe and correct after we lived years of loathing and condemning ourselves or others have condemned us and we missed the idea of applying God’s grace to ourselves. So we need to accept the truth of Romans 8:1: “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.” Accepting that verse paves the way for accepting God's grace and the observe and correct approach to learning new habits.

ThinWithin 4 Life

I joined and posted several topics and comments on a friend's facebook group "ThinWithin 4 Life". I also posted several comments and some new topics on the ThinWithin community forum board, after they approved my registration. Rereading the ThinWithin book (A Grace Oriented Approach to Lasting Weight Loss) and my old TW paper workbooks revealed how much I really have progressed since that time. I didn't realize how much I still use TW eating guidelines and rely on their explanation about God's grace ('observe and correct'). Although I resigned from leading a local TW support group and stopped participating in the online TW community forum, I seem to have continued to use what I learned through ThinWithin.

I currently don't want to jump into leading another group either locally or online. I need to focus on my own recovery from ongoing gastrointestinal problems, rather than getting too involved in a weight loss group, especially because I DON'T need to lose any weight. Nevertheless the TW 4 Life group community 'can help us live the abundant life here and now and for eternal life' (group moderator's words). If anyone would like to join TW 4 Life, here's a link to the group: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php? gid=39844444479&ref=mf. You will notice that we're reading the ThinWithin book (which is a 30 day/chapter text) and posting our insights from each day's information.

The gist of the TW approach to eating (and permanent weight loss/maintenance) is described in the first 2 chapters and Day 10 (chapter 10) which describes how to determine which foods are best for our individual bodies. The first day lists the 'keys to conscious eating'. However the first, last and middle keys really tell us when, how much and what to eat (but not specific foods). The first key is eat only when you are physically hungry (detected by growling or 'empty' stomach sensations). The middle key is 'consume only foods and beverages your body enjoys' (whether or not they fit the latest health food fad or research recommendation). The last key is "STOP eating when you feel satisfied (before 'full' or painfully stuffed). The other keys are suggestions to facilitate using the first and last keys (start when hungry and stop when satisfied). Those other keys include: eat sitting down in a calm environment, eat without distractions, relax before you begin eating (saying a prayer of thanksgiving helps) and eat slowly. Since TW doesn't promote special diets or include diet lists of good/bad foods, Day 10 discusses how to decide which foods are 'pleasers', 'teasers', 'total rejects' or 'whole body pleasers', according to our own eating experiences with foods we commonly eat. Those designations may differ from person to person depending on their experiences, food availability and health conditions. For example, food allergens, no matter how tasty, are total rejects for me. My body will begin painfully rejecting them, before I even realize I've eaten a 'total reject' food. So the TW book tells us when, how and how much to eat, but encourages each person to determine the 'what' to eat.

However, most people have difficulty changing long established eating habits. Those eating habits (good or bad) make developing a new approach to eating very difficult. So chapter 4 of the book introduces an 'observe and correct' technique which is similar to religious 'confess and repent' practices. Observe and correct is so valuable for any longterm behavior change, as well as developing different eating habits, that I will devote a separate topic to that technique. Because I'm tired, I plan to post the observe and correct topic later.

New Attitude Makes 0-5 So Easy Now

I didn't realize how much a week of painful reflux would change my attitude about overeating, bingeing and purging. For many years I tried to stop bingeing, but I knew I could use purging to avoid discomfort from being overly full. During several long periods, when I resisted purging after overeating to the point of uncomfortable fullness, I also resisted an all out binge, where I would eat to the point of painful fullness. However, I still relished the freedoms of bingeing, of eating with abandon, and of forgetting everything else but eating during that binge. I often chose to binge after a long period of abstinence which included many episodes of simple overeating, because I was tired of feeling guilty about overeating. I just wanted one more episode of eating anything and everything I wanted without feeling guilt, so I could get back to more responsible eating. Of course that all out eating episode just reminded me how much I loved the freedom of irresponsible eating, despite the physical discomfort.

Before I began to treat low stomach acid, throwing up within an hour or so after eating, especially eating starchy, creamy foods, was NOT at all painful. It came up the same way it went down, because I did NOT have much stomach acid. After I started taking HCl capsules to increase my stomach acid and better digest proteins, that all changed. I also began to experience painful reflux if I consumed foods which relaxed my lower esophageal valve, which keeps food and stomach acid in the STOMACH, rather than allow it to reflux up the esophagus.

My last experience with uncontrollable nausea and vomiting, followed by a week of reflux totally changed my attitude about bingeing and purging. Now I'm scared that consuming alcohol and caffeine can trigger uncontrollable nausea, vomitting, and relentless burning reflux. I also learned that if I don't take HCl capsules with meals, I won't have as much reflux, but I will have horrible bloating and cramping pain as undigested proteins and fats travel through my intestines. Above all I fear overeating which can also cause reflux, as I experienced for 3 days after my first hangover/nausea day. So maybe I think like a normal person now, because I believe: Vomiting is painful and gross. Overeating just facilitates painful reflux. Bingeing is a direct route to discomfort, uncontrollable vomiting and prolonged reflux.

So how do I eat now? Simply 0-5 meals. I wait until I'm obviously hungry. Then I choose a comfortable sized (about a loosely clenched fist) meal of foods which I know will feel good in my stomach, as well as taste good, and leave me feeling satisfied for 4-5 hours afterwards. I've learned over the years which foods actually satisfy me vs. which foods look, smell or even taste good, but leave me feeling unsatified or even uncomfortable an hour later. I've also eliminated all the foods which cause me physical pain either through allergy antibody reactions or simple intolerance (like sorbitol). Hunger/satisfaction eating seems sooo simple now. I look forward to meals, but only eat when I feel hungry. I enjoy the food, but only until I feel satisfied. I know continuing to eat past satisfaction only causes discomfort and possibly reflux. No tasty food is worth that discomfort.

For years I tried to eat like a normal person. One physically painful week dramatically changed my beliefs about overeating, bingeing and throwing up. During that week I only wanted to eat when I was truly hungry, because I didn't know whether I could keep the food down. I also feared eating beyond satisfaction, because I feared reflux from overeating. After I recovered somewhat, so I no longer refluxed, I did overeat on Thanksgiving and at dinner the next day (after I made a great turkey soup and pumpkin ice cream for dessert). However, I had 'practiced' eating only when hungry and stopping when I was satisfied often enough during that physically painful week, that I knew the difference between 'satisfied' and full. I also learned that I preferred 'satisfied'. I preferred feeling comfortable over feeling 'free' to eat as much as I could. I began to value really savoring a few bites of food more than quickly eating many bites of food, which I really didn't enjoy, because I didn't focus on the taste and texture of the food.

Sometime last week I seem to have crossed some kind of invisible line between disordered and 'normal' eating. Maybe everything I learned previously led me to that 'crossing' point. However, I prefer to believe that God answered my prayers and carried me over the chasm between distracted, pain-filled, disordered eating and focussed, enjoyable, responsible eating.